Cant get out of depression all my life

[alone]

salaam alaykum,
i came across this forum seeking some advice from other muslims.
So...im a sister almost 22 years old and i suffer from constant depression,
self -hatred , lonelyness and suicidal thoughts since childhood. always when
i think my life is getting somewhere, i get back to deepest depression, but its
not a '' i-feel-pity-for -myself '' - type of depression but rather feelings
of complete emptyness and self -hatred. I tought i was out of the suicidal
phase, because at the age of 14 i tried to commit suicide, but that time
i wasnt really educated in religion and didnt know , after i learnt more
i felt totally guilty for my actions. now several years have passed and i
truly hate to say that i have this feelings coming back to me ....
i never had a stable friendship my entire life, they last about a year maximum
or either they are not very close at all....i always feel different from the others,
like i dont fit in at all. i dont prefer the things girls do in my age , i dont
have a family here, i live alone with my father who is sick and feel totally
left alone...
it seems that i just cant get along with anyone . Im very quiet and introverted, i dont enjoy social gatherings at all, for example i've never
been to a wedding before, just to name a classical one.
If i am invited somewhere, i enjoy just staying there and watch the people,
but i feel totally overwhelmed when they try to integrate me in their activity.
But since im that boring , quiet person , i dont have real friends since childhood. I know ppl give advice to pray and read quran . Its surely
helpful but i dont know to to overcome this empty feeling that i have all my
life. This feeling that everything is unimportant to me.
i really dont know why.
on the other hand, i get along with males better then with girls.
It sounds crazy, but i always mistrusted females in my life.
I grew up around men meanwhile females always symbolised evil to me , especially mothers. I know this comes from my negative experience with
the mothers in my family.
Some girls have attempted to make me femalish, dress barbie like them etc..
but i just cant. i am the way i am. and i never wanna be this way.
I really would love to be invited to gatherings, btu i prefer to just sit and
listen and be mute. But ppl always mistake my behaviour as boredom or
rudeness...what to do? im sorry i wrote so much no one cares...i needed to write from my heart... peace.imsad

[Mikayeel]

Bump

[jaanjaan1982]

sister, i too came across this forum..and have very similiar probs...its hard to get on with people when they already have u listed as 'that one'

Hamdulilah, i feel that i look front, back, left , right and see myself with no help...But only from above i find help.

Read and pray...hamdulilah when u start, whole heartedly, u will realise thati t doesnt matter what people want and think of u, that only u feel happiness when u remeber Allah. Allah loves u more then ur parents. remeber that. so seek help and guidance..It may not seem like it. But Allah says ask and i will give.

Inshallah i hope this helps