Bismilah-ir-rahman-ir-raheem.
Asalam-a-laikum, waramuth-alhay-wabarakatahu,
Dear Brother,
Subhan'Allah, you're learning that your actions were not right. It is only through Allah's (swt) blessing that you could even come to realize this. Everyone goes through a hard time in their life, maybe yours was harder than others', however that doesn't make a difference. You sound like you sincerely want to change, and alhumdulilah that's a great thing to happen to you. Allah's love and compassion for his creation is seen through his mercy, subhan'Allah!
Do not allow anyone else to judge, for in the end it is up to Allah (swt) to make the final judgement. Though this does not mean that I'm condoning your previous actions, haha.
Over and over in the Quran, Allah tells us the rewards and punishments of our actions, and yet, over and over again Allah (swt) tells us that in order to be forgiven all we have to do is ask, and ask with true sincerity in our hearts and our intentions. When we ask for forgiveness, we're almost making a promise to Allah (swt) that we're not going to do this act again, but if we do it again unintentionally we can ask for forgiveness again, this is Allah (swt)'s mercy, and this is his love.
There's even this hadeeth that goes something along the lines of, faith wears out like a cloth, so it's our duty to keep renewing it.
If you feel bad walking into a masjid, or you feel hypocritical, just keep going until you're no longer feel like you're doing wrong, because it is your total right to be there. You would not be a hypocrite at all, it's Allah (swt)'s house, and you're going there to learn and understand His message, so you would definately not be a hypocrite. You don't have to just go to pray the obligatory prayers, maybe you could just go and read the Quran there. The Quran is Allah (swt)'s words, so just by reading the Quran you'll start to feel better.
For me, one of the hardest things about getting back on the straight path was the friends I had and the stuff we did together for fun. I prayed to Allah (swt) to meet some Muslims, so I could have someone to relate to, and subhan'Allah, I met a whole lot of them. By meeting and gathering with other Muslims I learned that my journey in Islam is being done by so many others as well. We all have difficulties in our lives, but it's up to each of us to ask for guidance and forgiveness.
Here's a website that has a list of dua's on forgiveness:
http://www.geocities.com/mutmainaa/d...ran_duas2.html
I pray that Allah (swt) gives you the guidance you deserve (ameen) :)
Jazakallah Khairun
(May Allah (swt) bless you),
:sl:,
your sister in Islam