kids

[buddy1]

Hey there guys

As u may or may not know, i have children, 3 to be precise, Jayda and jordan are my twins, and then Alyssa who is 6 months now.

Their dad left me in December and this wouldnt have affected Alyssa to much but it obviously has Jayda.

Jordan is ok, he is very much a mummys boy and clings to me, but Jayda was a daddys girl and now danyal isnt around (at all, he has dissapeared off the face of the earth) she is very emotional.

she told her teacher her surname was changing from Jayda Zakina Syed hussain to Jayda Zakina Worth (my family name) because her dad was dead - I have certainly never mentioned that word in front of her so i have no idea where she gets it from.

and now she gets put to sleep at 7 and when i go to get in bed, she will have snuck in to my room and got in my bed!

if i put her back she wakes up and climbs back in.

I dont know what to do, im becoming increasingly worried about her.

please help or advise?

Thanks

[S_87]

Hi

i have no idea what to say to this, but have you tried sitting down and explaining in her language what has happened to her dad/where he has gone? If he has literally just disappeared with no explanation i think that is what every child would think (that he is dead) especially since she was close to him.
I pray your situation eases up and you do get some answers as to where he has disappeared because that is a horrible thing to do.

[buddy1]

yeah, i have sat with the pair of them and explained that he has gone on a long holiday,

the thing is, he is so selfish and i feel like say "he clearly doesnt care about us, we're better off without him!" but iknow i cant. i dont work (i had a substantial inheritance and it instructed me to pay my mortgage and stay home with jayda and jordan (i didnt have alyssa then) so that what i did, we spend hours and hours painting, colouring drawing, cooking, (CLEANING!), we go out for walks, they had a puppy for xmas so we take him on walks for miles we go to parks feed the ducks, the list is endless so it cant be i dont spend enough time on them!

im at a loss at what to do!? cthanks for your advice, maybe woodrow will have some wise words! :D x

[glo]

How old is your daughter, buddy?

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[buddy1]

Jayda and jordan are nearly 4 and Alyssa is 6 mnths xx

[glo]

Jayda and jordan are nearly 4 and Alyssa is 6 mnths xx

I was 3-and-a-half when my father left us (he actually did die), and it affected my life for a very long time!

I will try to pm you when I have more time.

Hope all goes well. Peace :)

[buddy1]

thank you glo, its appreciated :)

[Faseeha]

Hi there Buddy

Maybe you could try taking the kids for counselling? The loss of a parent can have a really negative effect on kids.

[pipay]

hi there..

it's really difficult to be a single parent but you need to explain carefully to your kids about the situation. and the most important thing is not to make any promises or false hopes because children has good memories. just try to explain little by little, in simple words what really happened. but always keep in mind, there are always two roads, you don't which way your kids might take, either for better or for worse. the key is, make them feel that you are always beside them, ready to explain, ready to listen, and love them unconditionally.

[Muslim Woman]

In the name of Allah , the Most Gracious , Ever Merciful

Salaam/ Peace

...
Their dad left me in December

Sis , very Sorry to hear that . Where are your parents ? In my country , when a woman faces such problem , normally they start living with parents or brothers ( joint family concept is still popular here ).

If your kids can stay with grand parents , cousins , uncles , aunts ...may be ,they will feel more secure & comfortable.

May God ease the matter for you & kids , Ameen.

[Yanal]

If you don't mind me asking,why'd he leave?

Try giving most of your attention to Jayda.

[Sahabiyaat]

[QUOTE=Yanal;1132510]If you don't mind me asking,why'd he leave?
QUOTE]

i'd like to know too if you dont mind.

It upsets me so much to keep hearing from single mothers whose partners have just left them and their childern, and disappeared.

[Cabdullahi]

it also upsets me so much nowadays that more mothers are actually leaving their children and husbands :(

[Yanal]

This time it's the father leaving the mother and children.

[buddy1]

Hi there Buddy

Maybe you could try taking the kids for counselling? The loss of a parent can have a really negative effect on kids.

I dont want to take them to counselling, its not as though Danyal has passed away he has simply up and left, i dont think its what they need at this stage

In the name of Allah , the Most Gracious , Ever Merciful

Salaam/ Peace




Sis , very Sorry to hear that . Where are your parents ? In my country , when a woman faces such problem , normally they start living with parents or brothers ( joint family concept is still popular here ).

If your kids can stay with grand parents , cousins , uncles , aunts ...may be ,they will feel more secure & comfortable.

May God ease the matter for you & kids , Ameen.

My mum is in UK with me, I dont speak to my dad (through choice) my mother is very good with them, she spends alot of time with us, as she lives alone, i wouldnt want to move them in with my mum tho, because they are slightly unsettle enough, moving them out of their home makes it worse! and Im not moving my mum in, I lived with her long eonough, i love her dearly but couldnt do that again!!! :D

If you don't mind me asking,why'd he leave?

Try giving most of your attention to Jayda.

Id like to know too, he wanted children, he got children, he wanted a house, he got a house, he wanted to get married, he got married, he wanted to leave, he left....... nothing has ever been what i wanted, it was always what he wanted, he had the good life here, so im guessing a better model came along, minus the stretch marks from giving birth to 3 children! :D

This time it's the father leaving the mother and children.

Tell me about it, we mums dont have it easy! :D

[Faseeha]

I dont want to take them to counselling, its not as though Danyal has passed away he has simply up and left, i dont think its what they need at this stage

Hmmm, I do voluntary work at a counselling centre, We have stacks of clients bringing in their kids after a divorce or even separation. He may not have passed away but the fact that he just left could be traumatizing to them.

[Yanal]

:sl:
So you getting married and having kids was forced? You didn't want those two stuff to happen?

[buddy1]

:sl:
So you getting married and having kids was forced? You didn't want those two stuff to happen?

sorry i have only just seen this, been extremely busy! :D

no no no, my mistake i worded it in an angry way, we were young, i was 18 he was 20, we met at 15 and 17 and were TOTALLY inseperable, when i hit 18, he asked me to marry him, of course, i was head over heels in love and accepted the offer before he could finish his sentance, BUT, we got married 2 months later, and i knew straight away it was to soon, but he was so excited about it i couldnt say lets wait a year, we already had Jayda and Jordan so i knew (well, thought) i would spend the rest of my days with him, so i didnt see the point in waiting! (again I was young!) as for Jayda and Jordan, having a child at 17 years old out of wedlock, certainly wasnt my idea of bliss, but i would NEVER change my babies for the world, but i would have happily postponed children until i was financially stable, but everything happens for a reason right? admittidly my children wernt planned, but like i said, i wouldnt have dreamed of terminating my pregnancys, or changing them (well maybe the fact they dont tidy up after themselves!)

hope that clarifys it! :D

[cat eyes]

:sl: buddy i am sorry to hear of your troubles you are facing. You seem like a really nice woman. I don't know how any man could walk out on his own kids :'( btw i think its really cool to have kids at a young Age, u can grow with them.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you buddy1;

I am so sorry to hear about your separation, I know it can be very tough for the kids, but are you coping in yourself?

Some time ago I went to a bereavement counselling course, and one thing they said made sense to me was... However much time you spent together with the person you lost, is the amount of time you need to fill with something else that has meaning.

So I guess your daughter climbing into bed with you, is her way of trying to fill that empty time in her life, that she used to spend with her dad.

Our children kept creeping into our bed, until they were six or seven, as I remember.

Some one once said you spell love…….. TIME. How ever much you love someone is measured by the amount of time you spend with them, and your children are lucky that they have a caring mum. But you must need huge amounts of energy, to keep up with three young children, I hope you are ok.

We wait for words of wisdom from our friend Woodrow.

Every blessing be with you

Eric

[Woodrow]

Peace buddy1,

In spite of Eric's words, I doubt if I have any words of wisdom to offer. But I can share personal experience from a child's view. I was 7 when I lost my father. My sister was 4 same age as your Jayda. Like Jayda she was a Daddy's girl and like Jayda she did much of the same. Being the "Big Boy" in the house I acted indifferent.

My mother simply acted as if all was normal and my sister soon was ready to move back into her on room and by the time she was 10 she had little memory of our Father.

I myself who showed no external grieve. was torn to pieces and every night I looked for him, every night and always expected to see the door open and he would walk in. Because I never let my grief out I spent my years until I was 45 years old looking for my Father. I never had closer until I accidentally found his grave and finally cried the tears I should have cried 38 years earlier.

I feel the best you can do is try to live your life as close to normal as possible. Allow the children to express their feelings in their own way. Do not act surprised, angry or shocked if at some point out of anger either or both say "They wish they were with Daddy instead of you." Keep calm. allow yourself to show sorrow, but do not talk bad about the Children's father. Encourage both to speak about their father. On occasion say things like "I miss Daddy, don't you wish he was still here."

Always be ready to hug either child if they look withdrawn or sad.

[buddy1]

:sl: buddy i am sorry to hear of your troubles you are facing. You seem like a really nice woman. I don't know how any man could walk out on his own kids :'( btw i think its really cool to have kids at a young Age, u can grow with them.

and my goodness didnt i grow with them! the best bit of it was the finger painting! i can get away with doing really bad art and still be better!!! :D

Greetings and peace be with you buddy1;

I am so sorry to hear about your separation, I know it can be very tough for the kids, but are you coping in yourself?

Some time ago I went to a bereavement counselling course, and one thing they said made sense to me was... However much time you spent together with the person you lost, is the amount of time you need to fill with something else that has meaning.

So I guess your daughter climbing into bed with you, is her way of trying to fill that empty time in her life, that she used to spend with her dad.

Our children kept creeping into our bed, until they were six or seven, as I remember.

Some one once said you spell love…….. TIME. How ever much you love someone is measured by the amount of time you spend with them, and your children are lucky that they have a caring mum. But you must need huge amounts of energy, to keep up with three young children, I hope you are ok.

We wait for words of wisdom from our friend Woodrow.

Every blessing be with you

Eric

thanks eric, Im doing really well, which is a change to the original tune! i was in a hell of a state, but we are doing well, the twins start full time school after xmas, they are part time at the min but they turned five not long ago and now are ready to be shipped off to BIG SCHOOL! i hear it so often "you wont be telling me off for not washing my hands before lunch when im at big school!" they are so funny! right little sense of humour they both have! i started taking Alyssa to a mother and baby group so she could meet her own little friends and met a widower, he's a pakistani gentleman, he has a daughter the same age as lyss and he lost his wife when she gave birth to aisha (his daughter) we have become great friends, and have spent alot of time together doing things with the children, its really nice to have him around, he is a year older than me, but great with my 3 and a wonderful dad, he has coped with so much on his own i have a great deal of respect for him. but i think he is enjoying the company and i know having an adult conversation is doing me the world of good!! but its nice to have a man around every so often, the twins adore him, jordan thinks he is superman (dont ask!! :) ) and things are brilliant. they talk to him about there dad alot to him aswell, alot of what kamran does for the kids is usually replied to with "my daddy used too like this" and my dad has these shoes" kamran takes it very much on the chin and carrys on, with either, yeah but i bet ur dads was better, or your dad was probably better at it than me though! i couldnt have it much better at the moment! life is good at last!