Asalam alaikum Warahmatulah Wabarakatuh
"
They forced me..."
It’s always us quiet ones isn’t it? The ones who don’t speak out when their parents say to them that we’re getting you married to someone from abroad. We might say
'no..' quietly, but that doesn't really matter to them, because they've already made up their mind.
Why is it that the ones who speak out or make a really big noise get away with it? If only I could rebel, its only because i'm quiet that they're using me to get their own way.
That's how you're probably feeling if you've been told you're going to get married abroad. You really want to get married to someone from here, someone who has the same likes as you, someone who knows what you know...
But, its going to happen anyway.
I remember when I was younger, I dreamt I would marry at the age of 25 when I'd just finish uni. I used to dream that I'd chillout with that person and we'd drive around in a M3, watch the sunset together and chillax.
But that didn't happen. I went through some parts of life and reached a stage where I didn't want to be with anyone, I hated it, it felt it would be too much of a burden.
So it was during this exact period, I was told I had to get married.
But you're a guy, how can they force you?
Alot of people say that you're a guy, and you could say NO easily. So i just want to say to all the bros who are going through similar, don't worry - we know its not that easy. To everyone else, this happens in alot of households. Usually, everyone in the house is pressurised - sometimes even threatened - if they don't agree with what's been said. If guys could say no, they would - but some care for their families too much that they feel they have to accept - to keep the house together. Others can say no, and alhamdulillah there isn't much problems that happen after that.
With girls, yes - its hard. If the word slips outside the house that she rejected any idea of marriage, people will question why she said no. 'Has she got a boyfriend?' No. She just wants to be abit more independent, so if her husband turns out to be someone who just wants the visa, atleast she's got some education to support herself. But they don't understand this.
To the Parents
Parents, atleast choose someone who is religious in the proper sense that they have taqwa of Allah. Taqwa in the sense that they fear Allah to be just and fair to your son or daughter. The whole reason you say you get them married abroad is because 'the youth here are bad' - so pick someone whose got a good character from abroad, otherwise - you're wasting your money on the visa application.
Get to know the person, if not by yourself, then atleast through others (who aren't biased in their views) to see his/her character. See him under tough circumstances to see how he handles the pressure. Don't rush the marriage since you love your child, and the same way you spent on them as you brought them up - give them a good start to their life as a married young adult. Otherwise they might hate you for the rest of their life. Why waste all that good you've done for them? If you've spent over 16 years to bring them up, i'm sure it won't matter if you take a few months extra on the deciding someone suitable for marriage, while doing Istikharah prayer and discussing with family their opinions.
There's a Prophetic saying in which he (peace be upon him) said [its meaning]:
If he whose
character and
deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don’t, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption.
(Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami’ #270).
(“fitna” here can be understood to refer to the temptation for fornication, enmity and the cutting off of relations among the people and relatives, and the spreading of hatred. -
IslamQA)
So if you argue that its hard to find people who are religious, then atleast find someone who has a good character.
mini story
I know of some marriages which happened like this, they were rushed and both the guy and gurl weren't happy. Instead, all that happened is that they ended up in divorce - with the girl at loss because people might think twice before marrying her again, and the guys family at loss because now if they ever go Pakistan - their in threat of being shot by her relatives.
The Jannah on Earth - A Love & Hate thing
People abroad hear so much about
the west, especially our muslim lands and come to the conclusion that its Jannah (Paradise) on earth here. My wife told me that the people think that you can get anything you want, whenever you want here. Before my dad came, he used to think that the houses would be made out of glass.
That's why people want to get their own children here too, and many will do anything to achieve that. Since you only have a limited amount of kids you can get married off, some parents feel that they need to get the most respectable, beautiful, and richest families in their pocket, to boost up their respect. The family abroad thinks that the same will happen to them, with the bonus that their kid will come to Europe, or 'Amrrika'.
But sadly, they don't take the ones who are going to get married into account.
So yeah, fast forward. The marriage takes place, alot of people invited to the feast, and the family who was supposed to enjoy the wedding the most sweat the day out. They don't enjoy it, because they have to make sure everything goes to plan. The girl herself can't eat much because it would spoil her makeup, and the cameras always in the guys face so he can't look greedy.
Who enjoys it the most? The guy with the biggest stomach on the invitation list. Do you enjoy it? No.
Then the time comes when everyone believes its forced to have intercourse on the first night, when it isn't.
"It is not obligatory for the man to have intercourse with his wife on the wedding night. They may delay that until the time that they choose. But intercourse -- in general -- is obligatory, and it is the right of both spouses"
There's even proof for this in the Sunnah, where Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) didn't have intercourse with some wives on the same day as the Nikah [marriage contract] but instead, he did some time later. I.e. his wives Um Habibah, and Aa'isha fit in this category.
The Locked Room
You've probably never even kissed someone from the opposite gender before, but on the spot - people expect you to know what to do on the wedding night without telling you anything about it. They just lock you up in the same room at night, with their ears next to the door - waiting to see if you talk to each other. Oh, and this is the first time you see their face. Alhamdulillah alot of people understand what to do, kind of. In the past it must have been well tough.
If it seems too explicit, then I think the parents should know that this is how their children feel.
Okay, pause. If you reach this part of your life - its destiny. You HAD to be there at that time in that place. So long as you made the Istikharah prayer before that - then its all good.
"The believers state is always good, if something displeasing happens to him - he's patient, if something good happens to him - he's thankful." [Sahih Muslim] You made the istikharah prayer so Allah guided you to what was better, if it was bad for you - Allah would remove it from your life since He knows, and you don't.
Anyone can cry and say that it I hate life, and complain and argue. But think about it, what can you really do when Allah has willed something for you that you have no power over? The only reason you don't have power over it is because
it had to happen, so its for a greater wisdom which you might only see in the future.
So make du'a to Allah and He will do what is the best outcome for you.
The Superiority Complex
Now that the marriage has happened, many people from the west will have some form of superiority complex by nature - the guy/gurl married from the west may even think that they've done a favour to the person they've married, since you were already here, but they're from a poorer country and moved to a richer one - by 'using' you for the visa.
So they look down upon that person if they at first don't like them. Many have a negative attitude from the start because they were forced into it. Sometimes, the guy from the west doesn't even approach the girl he married at all.
"It's my dads fault." he says to himself. The anger and jealousy is taken out on the girl who he's forced to be married to. Sometimes the girl gets angry at her mum too, she doesn't want to talk to her... and the parents questions why? if I had such a good intention for them. Good intentions aren't always enough.
I felt this way for a long time, but marriage matures you in many ways and I understood some wisdoms. So let's take a few steps back and view this situation.
"I don't want it to happen to me.." But it happens to the world.
You probably know that there are people who are forced into marriage, its a simple fact. So you say to yourself
"I know this, so i dont want it to happen to me." But look at it this way; the majority of marriages within the world have always been forced or arranged in one way or another.
The majority of marriages in the world have
not been love marriages, or marriages which the people chose for themselves. That's why alot of these love stories are so famous (Layla & Majnun etc), because they've strived to get married to someone they want to - but they're unable to due to dislike of parents or the pressures of society, and thats the only reason why their love stories became famous.
If you get angry with your parents, then know that they probably also got placed into an arranged marriage. If not them, then atleast their parents did. You've heard the point that
'love comes after marriage', you might disagree with it - but ask yourself this -
Why don't they ever tell what happens to a couple after marriage in love stories?
It's because
true love only lasts once the marriage takes place, so you stick together through the hard and easy moments. And that's when true love really shows.
Do you believe you're doing a favour in marrying this person?
Think of this;
Alot of the girls from abroad are also being forced into the marriage, just as you are. She probably hasn't seen you either. But she has to accept it because her parents said so. So do you have a right to take your anger out on her, when she probably feels more strange by living with your family? She's left her whole world for you in a strange land with different people, and the
only person she can rely on is you. Are you going to let her down, when Allah has already willed that your marriage would happen?
Alot of guys here are more dependant on their families, they can get pressurized easily and the wife may percieve the husband usually as
'less independent, so less manly' - in comparison to the men who they potentially could be married to in their home countries. Since once a girls married there, the guy makes his own decisions in comparison to guys in this country - generally speaking.
Doesn't the girl feel impatient at this? Yes. But she has to accept it, the same way you should accept her if you feel shes not upto your standards.
A mini story
There's a guy I know about whose been married for around 8 years, but because he wasn't happy with the marriage - he still doesnt talk to the wife properly. Not because he's shy, but because he still has ill feelings for what his dad did of arranging his marriage. The wife tries to get along by sometimes even giving him presents, but even if he tries - it seems those ill feelings always come in his mind so he doesn't want to carry on. It's sad.. but you see, if you feel sorry for the wife in this situation - imagine you were to do the same?
Which other person can she depend on except him, when he's supposed to be the only closest one to her through this relationship? That Rahmah (mercy) in your heart should allow your heart to open up to your wife and accept the reality, and then to move forward. Didn't Allah's Messenger tell us that if you
have mercy on those on earth, the one above the heavens [fi samaa'] will have Mercy on you? [Sunan Al Tirmidhi]
Your Responsibility
Allah has placed this person under you as your responsibility, they have no other person to lookafter them - and your looking after them will prove your manhood. Since you will interact with them the most, you can change their personality better, an Islamic personality. But you can only achieve this if you get that closeness to them through commitment, and through love and care for them. If you don't, then someone else will, and the person may turn out to be something you don't like. Then your marriage won't work further. Some people say that the people from abroad are slightly sneaky and you don't know their objectives, but think of it this way - they probably going through the marriage for the first time just as you are - so if you show them good, they will by nature want to do the same. I've seen so much Muslimahs from the west who hang out with their husbands from abroad and make him like they want him to be, and it seems both of them are happy with that.
Why marrying someone from abroad can be an advantage
They're still young, so they have an open mind to the world. The same way you do. When us people have biases for the people abroad of being backward, then we should know that these people are probably alot more advanced intellectually on different aspects of life than us. Not just that, they've probably experienced the world alot more than us in matters of communication, and probably know whats kool and what isn't.
There's many reasons for this, the main one being because they live the world by seeing and talking to real people in hotter climated countries because the people are more 'lively' there due to the living conditions, whereas us people like us in the west live locked up behind a computer screen (whether at home or at work) due to the freezing temperatures and talk with our fingers only to cyber people. Further - materialism and fashion has spread to even villages in the nations abroad - so they also know what's popular. So they're not really backward - they're just like you. Even then, if they don't know the latest styles - why not help them work on themselves to look the way you want them to look?
Self Honour & Respect
Something really nice about marrying people from abroad is that they have a sense of self respect or self honour, its placed into them naturally by their culture so they don't want to resort to divorce when any small problem arises. Unlike the west where we're taught that once you're divorced - you've got less problems, the opposite is felt for the people abroad. This means that this person is likely to be more committed to you, because sadly - once a woman is divorced, alot of people question or be suspicious about her - even if she hasn't done anything wrong, even if it was the guys fault. So she remains patient and sticks to the marriage. This refutes the misconception that alot of people have when they say that they only come for the visa (yes it can sometimes be true, but if you show them how amazing and sinere you really are - they won't want to leave you.)
You shouldn't abuse this, but should reach out to be patient too. Alot of Caucasian (white) men who are non muslim get married to women from other parts of the world i.e. Asia etc. because of this discipline and respect they hear about the women there.
Playing sports at 30, not 50
You probably had to get married at a young age, and that's probably why you're more dependant on family too. But think about this; Your mates from high school might still be running around like kids, deciding on whether some nex girl is attractive to them, or taking photos of themselves smiling next to a car (which they don't own) on facebook. Thats the highest point they reach in their social life - just a facebook photo which some people comment on. So they wait their whole day just for someone to comment on their pic or some stranger to add them. Wow, thats such an exciting life.
Whereas you, because of this marriage - will be reaching newer heights continuously, you'll be
maturing way more quicker than your old mates, you'll have a relationship with someone without the harmful consequences of sin, and you'll be ahead in life than other people your age.
Think of it this way, it might sound huge because you might think you're not ready for it - but compare yourself with someone else who hasn't got this blessing in disguise. This other friend thinks that he/she can chill out till the age of 25 in uni, then he/she wants to get his/her degree and get married. Yeah? Okay, now when this mate gets married - they want to chill out and have a laugh with their new wife or husband, probably like a year or something. Then they might think of having kids. So when they're in their 40s, they have a kid whose a teenager, and by the time they're in their 50s - only then they're child leaves uni and starts providing income for them.
Now compare this to your own situation. You probably got married when you're around 17-18, abit before or after. Then, you might have a kid around the age of 19 or 20. As the kid grows up, you can play with them since you're still young too. So you grow with your child, and by the time in your in your 30s or 40s, you can give up work and your kid - whose now an adult - will start providing for you.
Which option seems more fun? You decide. I wouldn't want to be an old man in my 50s running around after a football with a 9yr old kid. I'd rather do it when i'm in my young 30s.
The Glad Tidings in the Qur'an & SunnahLive with them honourably. If you dislike them,
it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good.
[Qur'an Al Nisa 4:19]
In the tafsir of this verse, Ibn Kathir states;
Allah says that your patience, which is demonstrated by keeping wives whom you dislike, carries good rewards for you in this life and the Hereafter.
Ibn `Abbas commented on this Ayah, "That the husband may feel compassion towards his wife and Allah gives him a child with her, and this child carries tremendous goodness.'' An authentic Hadith states,
«لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ سَخِطَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا، رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَر»
(No believing man should hate his believing wife. If he dislikes a part of her conduct, he would surely like another.)
There's a few things which you should take into consideration when you do be with your new marriage partner, because communication is proper important in a relationship.
- The main one is that you actually do talk to the person, if you find language a barrier - try speaking to your parents in the native/home language of your partner to get a good practise of it. Because it may just be that you're shy to talk the language, whereas the partner might think you don't like them. So practise and attempts in the language are important. I'm learning urdu from my wife and I teach her english.
- Try to study the culture and some facts about the places they're coming from. This allows you to have things to discuss together which you can both be interested in. Exchanging facts and opinions with each other strengthens relationships alot.
- Its likely that they will be sensitive to the culture they've come from, so you need to show them that you are understanding to what they say. So if you have a negative view on something from that culture, don't say "i hate it", but instead ask them to show how they themselves percieve that same thing. It might be that you understand it and realise why its actually something good once you understand some background information on the topic.
- Keep common ground between each other, so you have something which you can both settle on if it looked like some argument was about to happen. For example, even the tone of your voice, or the expression on your face would influence what you say. You might want to grin, smile, or use a 'tune in your voice' when you want to make a point in a non aggressive way.
- Treat them like they're your own, not an outsider. This is something which they need alot - acceptance. The more you show them this, the more they'll feel comfortable with you, and the stronger your relationship will be, so life will be easier insha Allah.
A fact: When my relationship with Allah is low, i feel alot of conflict in the marriage. Set yourself a target as to how much times you'll make du'a (supplication) to Allah, even about aiding you in your marriage. The stronger your connection is with Allah, the better your relationship will be with the creation [which includes your marriage life].
Try your best - and see its fruits, insha Allah..
So remember, they're like you, if you feel that it'll never work - then you can't be sure of that in any marriage. Instead, every marriage is about experimenting, its about you trying your best - whatever efforts you put in, you'll see their fruits. Soon enough you won't even remember that they were from another country, you'll just remember the laughs you had together when you remember the memories - insha Allah.