passive aggressive disequilibrium

[AnonymousPoster]

I am only posting as anon only not to offend a family member who may visit this website..

I have a very poor relationship with my mother.. It is so frustrating to me the tension between us that I try to avoid her most of the time.. but the times that I do deal with her are so charged, they impact my affect and my entire day.. I try really hard to comply with religious teachings, but she is impossible.. I really don't want to get into the finite details of it..

I don't expect thanks for the things I do, I don't even want her to take notice of the things I do, but I'd like is for her to not be so relentless with her criticism and her incessant questions over my judgment .. Astghfor Allah-- my whole life has to revolve around her and her needs and her complaints which are endless..

she has a heart condition.. but every day she suffers a new ailment.. I don't know if it is natural for all mothers to complain of something on daily basis.. but every day truth to God, it is either chest pain, her stomach, her bowels, her arms.. I can't distinguish between truthful complaints and attention seeking complaints and truth be told I don't think she herself is able to recognize the difference..

Every time I think, well what if I ignore it and this time it is for real, and guilt takes a hold of my soul for my unresolved relationship with her, or I wonder what if God becomes displeased with me that I end up living in regret here and the hereafter..

I love my mother, but I fear that I dislike everything about her.. and it hurts my very soul..

my entire relationship with her is based on guilt and a sort of passive aggressive disequilibrium.. I don't know what it is like to have an adult relationship with my mother, and I hate being hijacked emotionally and being guilted into every affair I undertake as far as my family is concerned..


Thank you

:w:

[anonymous]

:sl:

I know what you mean...
i will be looking forward to some advice too.
:w:

[ahmed_indian]

salaam alaikum,

may Allah help u and ur mother.i can understand how frustrating it is!

maybe she thinks that u'll leave her as u r an adult so she wants more attention.try a little to ignore her complaints. try to remember that she bore labour pains, child care of u.
if you dont insult back to her, insha'allah in few days she'll change.

and wht more...tell her to read Quran's translation and other Islamic books in ur language. life is not just about this mother-child fight. its about preparing for life after death.

[AnonymousPoster]

We speak arabic and my mom knows quite a portion of the Quran by heart, she and every member of my family reads the Quran daily after fajr.. the problem isn't in reading.. it is the kind of relationship that we have.. it is at a level that is not beneficial to anyone involved. In fact I really believe that they (my mother especially) is unable to think outside this particualr box.

I can understand a difference based on our upbringing and our schools of thoughts.. I try as far as she is concerned to erase a large chunk of my being simply to acquisce to her.. the problem with the remaining portion is that, even that is so stifled that we inevitably either have a fight or I remain silent and not desire for conversation for days.. To be honest I am not even sure why I am writing this.. I doubt that it can be remedied.. it is something that has gone on for ages.. I guess the problem is how can I change me without losing my identity to have a better relationship with her, because frankly I don't foresse change on her part.

Her views outside the limited range of our relationship are so strange and foreign to me. The way she sides with americans, the way she dislikes palestenians and thinks they should handle their own problems. The way she thinks our race is a master race and to hell with the rest of the Muslims, the way she thinks kosher meat is better than Halal meat. it is everything, to be honest I don't know where her priorites are? Thing is I can't judge her given how I personally am, I am really the last person to pass judgement. It is her habits and her views, the way she reduces everything so that it fits with her scope, I feel as if it is an insult to me personally. I really don't think it has anything whatsoever to do with my adulthood or anything like that. We are colelctively a traveling family. We all travel together and apart and for months at a time. It is not it.. and that is why my hope is for some serious advise on how I personally can change my person to be more accepting of this and respectful to her in her old age rather than instigate or be baited into a fight on daily basis.

We don't have normal conversations, she is an avid reader, something I think she gets nothing out of the books she reads, but then, books from my home country have a nationalistic appeal to them and I feel perhaps that part of her own poilitical convicitions is that she doesn't see the whole story rather a teleescopic view of everything and surprisngly similar to the western view on things. And of course my father has stifled her opinion for years, it might play a large part in it. I mean he does that with all of us and it doesn't matter what advanced degree we have. But the fact is, I actually get along with him better.. If I let him get out of his system his ideas of perfection we end up having very meaningful conversations and I rather enjoy them.. I always felt as per prophet's hadiths.. that this is the time in ones' life when one enjoys a sort of friendship with ones' parents .. but sadly I fear how the days are stolen without some sort of resolution.. every day that slips away never comes back and it tears me up inside how frivilousely we spend them..

Maybe all I need is just to look at her and appreciate that she is my mother and hope for nothing more? I don't know......

:w:

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[Cabdullahi]

no matter what she says or does that might annoy you ,you can never dislike your mother

just imagine when you were in her womb if she said this baby is annoying me,i dislike it i am going to have an abortion?

respect the womb that bore you

[AnonymousPoster]

Anon 3:

:sl:

I know exactly how you feel and how fustrating it can be, but I've learnt the hard way that not matter what my mother is like, no matter what she does or says to people about me and others, I still have to be extremely tolerent and respectful, otherwise everything in my life just goes downhill, I mean its that simple I have no other choice, my life is ruined otherwise.

One thing that keep me straight is the fact that our mothers are a gate to Jannah for us and if we don't please them during this life, one of those gates will be closed.

From what I can hear you are supporting your mother much more than I have to, as your mother isn't in the best of health. But remember that you receive emmense amounts of good deeds for being dutiful towards your parents, so none of your efforts will go unrewarded.

May Allah make it easy for you

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

she has a heart condition.. but every day she suffers a new ailment.. I don't know if it is natural for all mothers to complain of something on daily basis.. but every day truth to God, it is either chest pain, her stomach, her bowels, her arms.. I can't distinguish between truthful complaints and attention seeking complaints and truth be told I don't think she herself is able to recognize the difference..

you know what ive noticed about attention seekers: when you give them attention, they stop attention seeking :peace:

i dont really know what to say, because when your dealing woth treatment of parents, it tends to be something extremly sensitive. have paitence with her as much as you can, and if you are finding that you are having trouble with her, somehow talk to her about it and/or get someone to intervene so that she can change her ways, because she may also have a problem that she needs rectifying as well...

something also to take into consideration, is reflect on how you teat/speak to her. the way i look at it, is that mothers don't really flip, unless thier child is doing something wrong...

you mentioned something along the lines that you want to uphold your identity, yet respect her, etc. the way i look at it, is that you have to get downt o the level of people and be kind to them...show interest in the things they do, etc. that way you become good friends and you wrap them around your lil finger (not in a bad way)