Confused??!!!

[SistaSista]

Asalamu Alaikum

I have recently reverted (feb) and married (march) my long term boyfriend of 5 years, I was guided to Islam over a period of months looking for happiness online, I was NOT thinking about religion.

I found Islam MashAllah, I have the happiness I have craved for years. I LOVE ISLAM.

My MAJOR problem is that my husband does not practice!

He said his shahada days after me and used to pray until we said nikkah, since then they have been adhoc and disgarded. He does not pray 5 times a day. He is now telling me he will practice when he is ready. Hes 'in the closet' and has not told his relatives about being a muslim or being married

I have offered to get him help, to learn more about Islam, to keep good company, for him to learn with me. I am quick learner, I read so much, I think I am learning to save myself from him! Im confused.

I have told him to practice or im off, he says if I am so unhappy and I dont like it I can go, if I cannot wait! I have left my home due to his disregard of his Islamic duties towards Islam and myself. I am staying with family.

I am losing (prehaps lost) my patience with him, I very much dislike the lack of respect for everything except himself in this life, I cannot talk about religion or beliefs, it causes great distress to me with his words and attitude. We are uncomfortable in each others presence. I feel I have tried hard keeping my cool, I feel terrible, I feel like I cannot stand him.

All I am requesting is that he takes his commitment to Islam seriously, takes his life seriously, he says I am going to deep. I am just completely confused about this brother.

I dont want to waste anymore time. Is the an example of when I should repay dowry, resulting in divorce?

I dont want to be harsh on him, he loves me and counts on me, I am feeling terrible to have to leave him, I fear he does not understand, I dont want to hurt him, he acts macho but he is very sensitive. I am a bit worried to cut him off, his family are not around. I care for him very much.

I hope you can give me some advice, I would appreciate your opinions. Im sorry its a bit long, (this is a short version) :exhausted :cry:

Kind Regards

Your Sister in Islam

Jazaak Allahu Khairan.

[Tony]

ucannot force Islam by way of threats sister. I feel for you but maybe u should just say to him do namaz before its too late and someone is praying over ur grave ! harsh but real. Get your soul right and insha'Allah ur husband and kids will pray because they see u do it, lead by example not by force. may Allah make it easy for u both

[glo]

Welcome to LI, Sista. :welcome:

Can I ask if your boyfriend and you discovered Islam together, or if he said Shahada simply in order not to lose you?

Although you have known each other for 5 years there seem to be things you don't know about each other.

Taking on a new faith is a HUGE thing! And it can change people profoundly.
It seems to me that, although you had known each other for so long, your conversion to Islam changed things between you considerably. It's almost as if you should have started your relationship all over.

It must be tough for you, Sista. (And - let's not forget! - for your husband too)

I hope you both find the path which is right for you -whether together or separately.

Peace :)

[- Qatada -]

:w:


How about influencing him through your actions for the better? For example, instead of telling him 'you have to do this!' - why not narrate to him stories of the Messengers' of Allah, or their companions?

Since you're a Muslim, and the closest person to your husband - then you can influence him for the better through your example. You can help him find his way back on track insha Allah.


Sometimes it might not feel that you're influencing him, but what you say and do will have an impact on him inwardly, and what changes you - inwardly affects you outwardly. That's what you want to do with him.

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[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you SistaSista;

People struggle with faith, you might just be the person to bring your husband back in five or ten or twenty years time. It takes perseverance based on loving kindness, day after day and year after year.

Marriage is extremely difficult, in the UK the average duration for a marriage is only eleven years, don’t give up now and add to the statistics.

In the spirit of praying for faith and perseverance

Eric

[glo]

^
Eric, since I became a Christian 6 years ago I have clung onto the Biblical advice to not abandon a marriage to a non-believer unless the other spouse chose to leave. At times it has been very hard, but our marriage has lasted, even grown, and we continue to be in God's hands.

However, I understand Islamic advice to be different. If the beliefs of two spouses are not compatible, then the advice may be to leave the marriage ...

[HopeFul]

Assalamoalaikum sister,

Sometimes I have occasional outburts like you because of my own husband, he was born a muslim but a completely non practicing person, Alhamdolillah he doesnt do anything haram but having said that he doesnt even practice islam as such.. and you may have a way out of it, I don;t in my culture there is no concept of divorce, all i can do is try, try and try, through out my life. Inshaallah

When we married he wass so religious, he would wake ME up for salat, in the morning having prayed first so i could get more sleep ( seeing as ishaa was after 11 and fajr before 4) he would try and elarnt o read the quran in arabic he was learning the alphabets and read the translation every day. slowly it wore out, although he is very good with charity etc, he just doesntm pray, this just hurts me so much, he doesnt mix with religious people

The thing that keeps him in check is my personal practice, if I become lenient he also fogets about it, but when I ampresent as a role model, he is inspired and at least keeps faith alive in his heart all the time,and keep prayin for him sis, especially in tahajjud, the best time, I know someone who became religious and his wife didnt and he would cry in tahajjud for his wife to be led to the truth and she use to wear revealing clothes etc and very rich kinda woman, suddenly something happened and she threw out all theTVs n steroes etc form the house and becamse a very strict muslim, she thought the same thing, here am married to this guy who obeys Allah and what am I doing'?

I see my husband feeling same guilt, jus be VERY nice to him, dont tell him to do something, just tell him stories of other people, and be an example yoruself, we all need a boost and someone to look upto :)

ohh and my husbands aunty's ( dads sis) husband use to take drugs and was irreligous, but they never divorced, I think around 15 years or so after they got married he became very religious too, seeing his wife pray 5 times for all the years and being righteous genuinely. They even went to Hajj. He died a clean death abt 2, 3 years after his hajj!!!

There are many examples, stick to it, love him and follow ur religion in a way you dont bug him, InshaAllah this will help, if you irritate him both u and islam will lose respect in his eyes..

InshaAllah this is a reminder to myself too:)

may allah help us both, ameen

[HopeFul]

I forgot to add, the most disliked thing by Allah among Halal things is divorce, do not consider it unless he stops you from practicing islam by force.

[Dawud_uk]

:sl:

sister, there are often times when one spouse is more practicing than the other, but your's is a more serious case as salaat is something which will take you out of islam if neglected.

so there are certain minimum requirements you need to do to be a believer in deeds as well as thought, it is not enough to know islam is correct like the uncle of the prophet muhammad (saws) did, you must testify to it.

and if you testify to islam, you need to act upon it. some deeds are sinful to be missed but dont take you outside the fold of islam, some are kufr (disbelief) known by necessity such as missing salaah and whomever abandons his salaat has abandoned islam.

normally when someone first comes to islam, it is best to give them a little room for doubt, keep encouraging them but if they continue to neglect salaat then he needs to be warned his is pushing himself outside of islam.

in such a situation he is not actually halal for you as a husband so moving out is perfectly acceptable thing to do to protect yourself and your own deen from your husband.

but at the same time keep advising him, keep trying to get him to practice islam, try to get him good company amongst good brothers but at the end of the day you cant make someone a believer, only Allah can do that and only you can decide when to keep trying with him and when to give up and move on with your life as a muslimah who takes her religion seriously and only wants to submit to Allah.

:sl:

[Zico]

The best thing to do here is to actually pray in front of him, show him that the best way is Allah's way. Do it in an indirect way.

And Allah Know best.

[HopeFul]

:sl:

sister, there are often times when one spouse is more practicing than the other, but your's is a more serious case as salaat is something which will take you out of islam if neglected.

so there are certain minimum requirements you need to do to be a believer in deeds as well as thought, it is not enough to know islam is correct like the uncle of the prophet muhammad (saws) did, you must testify to it.

and if you testify to islam, you need to act upon it. some deeds are sinful to be missed but dont take you outside the fold of islam, some are kufr (disbelief) known by necessity such as missing salaah and whomever abandons his salaat has abandoned islam.

normally when someone first comes to islam, it is best to give them a little room for doubt, keep encouraging them but if they continue to neglect salaat then he needs to be warned his is pushing himself outside of islam.

in such a situation he is not actually halal for you as a husband so moving out is perfectly acceptable thing to do to protect yourself and your own deen from your husband.

but at the same time keep advising him, keep trying to get him to practice islam, try to get him good company amongst good brothers but at the end of the day you cant make someone a believer, only Allah can do that and only you can decide when to keep trying with him and when to give up and move on with your life as a muslimah who takes her religion seriously and only wants to submit to Allah.

:sl:

I would agree with you about Salaat being the most important duty. But I have seen people, alot of people change when one is patient with them, especially if hey are around a practicing muslim. If you abandon these people, they may never be guided, but youa re patient with them they have a bigger chance of being guided because of being in the continuous company of a practicing muslim. Allah would love both that way and when the person repents Allah would forgive his past sins, InshaAllah. As opposed to him being disillusioned with islam and th person. If this sister leaves him and he blames all his troubles on Islam that won't be good.

I would think for her to give him time and not to argue. Also there are many videos on YouTube about converts, perhaps you ( sista) could see them when he's around..

I hope Allah guides him to truth, ameen.

[Dawud_uk]

I would agree with you about Salaat being the most important duty. But I have seen people, alot of people change when one is patient with them, especially if hey are around a practicing muslim. If you abandon these people, they may never be guided, but youa re patient with them they have a bigger chance of being guided because of being in the continuous company of a practicing muslim. Allah would love both that way and when the person repents Allah would forgive his past sins, InshaAllah. As opposed to him being disillusioned with islam and th person. If this sister leaves him and he blames all his troubles on Islam that won't be good.

I would think for her to give him time and not to argue. Also there are many videos on YouTube about converts, perhaps you ( sista) could see them when he's around..

I hope Allah guides him to truth, ameen.

if he has abandoned salaat he has already abandoned islam, if he understands that he must submit to Allah he has no choice in this matter.

[HopeFul]

I don't think so.

In disbelievers the baandonement of Salat is due to the negation of Allah.

In believers there are other reasons for abandonemnt of salat like laziness or carelessness, it is not the same as the disbeliever. It is not a matter of not believing in Allah but rather not being an active practioner. It is differnt in both cases. Although not praying is resemblance of kuffar it is not kufr in itself if the faith is intact.

Otherwise over 50 percent of Muslims would not be muslims. Allah knows best, we cannot pass judgement ourselves. We can only call a person Kaffir if he utters Kufr openly. Although not praying is a grave sin, if it is not deliberately committed, but rather because of ignorance, carelessness or laziness, it is not the same as rejecting Allah and not praying to Him.

[Dawud_uk]

I don't think so.

In disbelievers the baandonement of Salat is due to the negation of Allah.

In believers there are other reasons for abandonemnt of salat like laziness or carelessness, it is not the same as the disbeliever. It is not a matter of not believing in Allah but rather not being an active practioner. It is differnt in both cases. Although not praying is resemblance of kuffar it is not kufr in itself if the faith is intact.

Otherwise over 50 percent of Muslims would not be muslims. Allah knows best, we cannot pass judgement ourselves. We can only call a person Kaffir if he utters Kufr openly. Although not praying is a grave sin, if it is not deliberately committed, but rather because of ignorance, carelessness or laziness, it is not the same as rejecting Allah and not praying to Him.

:sl:

you have to understand that imaan is not just in the heart, it is in the speech and actions also.

so some actions and speech can take you out of islam, whether you believe them to be permissable or not. just as the neglect of some duties will likewise take you out of islam, salaat being the obvious one.

:sl:

[HopeFul]

Of course it does. and i very strongly believe that imaan manifests itself in action. But that doesnt mean that people who sometimes do not do the action have left the folds of Islam, let me give you an example for Surah tauba,

The three Sahaba who didn't go to Jihad, they ahd imaan but they didnt go, they were punished and forgive eventually. Other people who didn't go was because they didn't have faigth at all, hence the difference. The Prophet SAW didn't say they ahd become Kuffar, did he?

[HopeFul]

Assalamoalikum Brother, I seem to forget saying salam, sorry

massalama.

[SistaSista]

Welcome to LI, Sista. :welcome:

Can I ask if your boyfriend and you discovered Islam together, or if he said Shahada simply in order not to lose you?

Peace :)

H glo,

Your reply has helped me address some issues.

I was spending alot of time alone and was guided to Islam, I told him this is what I am doing, I thought, he reverted as he too realised Islam is the right path. Well he said he did? Now I think I understand he said Shahada to keep me happy! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Kind regards

Sistasista

[SistaSista]

Salam 'alaikum

Thank you to everyone for you replies, may Allah bless you for offering your support.

I have decided to divorce. I cannot take the conflicts that arise from my encouraging him to pray. I have tried to help and am exhausting myself.

I have drawn his attention to the error and grave sin in neglecting prayer, he understands, he is not ready and is aware he 'may die tomorrow and it will just be tough, his own fault'.

It is true I need to move on and get on with striving to be the Muslimah I need to be.

That is the harsh reality of reverting to be happier. Harsh but totally worth it.

:D