A really horrible situation

[anonymous]

:sl:

First off thanks for having an anonymous accountas I have a very personal issue that i need to discuss.

Its a very complicated situation that I have to try to summerise as best as I can, so im sorry if its a bit long.

I am the eldest of two brothers and live in the UK with my mum and dad.
To be honest I dont really know where to start but here goes:

My dad has been caught messing about with women in the past( this has gone on for years), when ever he has been confronted by mother he denies it even when theres evidence against him, if anything it makes him better at convering his tracks. we always try to show my father respect but I have always felt very uncorfortable around him and so does my younger brother and sitting in the same room makes us feel unwell. There are people around him that could have stopped him but they have all just stood by, these are all people that have let us down.

He also took my brothers(his son's) name off an acident claim to "give his brother a better chance of claiming" even though it was his fault. There are much worser stories but im trying to keep things short.

In the past he has done many other things against my mother and I have always been helpless to done anything as I tend to keep poor health and so cannot work. I am studying at colledge and will graduate in a few years but in til then I dont know what to do.

We dont really have any family in a position to help us and he has said before to my mother that if she wants to go to then go ( not in a nice way at all)

He has always shown disrespect to my mothers family and swore to them many times. He provides little money for food to my mother to look after us and makes her use the little money she gets from benfits. He also leaves many other jobs that he should really do to my mother I try to help when ever I can but again I do keep poor health.

Today my mum got burn just under her neck from splashes of oil as we are forced to use cheap equiptment and ingredients. She often over stresses about what too feed us and there is always very little in the house.

There is a competition I want to enter to make some money, it involves animation and part of the winning money I think comes from lottery funds which has got me worried.

Is it aloud at all or under my cirumstances. I know in extreme conditions such as life or death you are allowed to drink alcohol etc.. but I dont know if im aloud to enter ?

Is there any other advise you could offer on top of this ?

Please believe me when I say my mother especially is suffereing ( in big way even with her health physical and mentally) she always follows islam to the letter and always asks allah to guide us in our decsions I find it really difficult being so helpless through her pain. All we want is a fresh start with some form of income.

My mum really has tried evreything to help him but his seems unwilling to listen to the truth he does not pray , read quran or anything.

Thank you for your thoughts and comments.

[anonymous]

Just wanted to add:
As my dad doesnt want my mum to have his money or his house (he said this to someone) he has taken an extra morgage out on the house, canceled all of the joint accounts and transfered all of the policys to his name and put a lot of his money away in Pakistan just in case my mum asked for a divorce so he'd only have to give 50% of nothing.

[SistaSista]

Salam

The words animation and lottery is bringing sirens to my ears, I do not think so. Lottery would be a consumption of haram, I think all type of gambling are haram and that is where the lottery money comes from.
”It maybe that you dislike a thing which is good for you and like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know” 2:216
I think Faith in Allah will pull you through this :thumbs_up
“Invoke me and ask me anything, I will respond to your invocation” 40:60
“Be not sad or afraid, surely Allah is with us” 9:40

May Allah strengthen your family, give you courage and bring you out of this stronger in your iman. I’m sorry to hear of your situation, please try not worry too much as this will have an negative impact on your health and your mothers which you said was not too well. “They will do you no harm barring a trifling annoyance” 3:111 “...and be not distressed because of what they plot” 16:127 “And never give up hope of Allah’s mercy. Certainly no one despairs of Allah’s mercy, except those the people who disbelieve” 12:87

The money should not really be an issue as money cannot buy happiness, happiness is in the soul. “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” 13:28 Money is for food, shelter and utilities, money can be provided by the state, if you have poor health you can get extras. You can choose where to live providing the landlord takes DSS. Have you thought about working from home on your PC? “And it is he who feeds me and gives me drink” 26:79
In Islam women and children should be treated kindly and maintained by men. In Islam men should teach their children religion. Honesty is important in Islam, ask your Mother to be honest with her. It is no good for the heart to be in bad company “...then sit not with them” 4:140 “Our Lord! Remove the torment from us, really we shall become believers” 44:12. Taking out the income is there any other reason you stay there? Is it related to culture? Money is the root of all evil and culture is not Islam.

I think if you guys pray real hard a solution will come to you. I will keep you in my duas. “Fear not! Surely you will have the upper hand” 20:68 “O’ you who believe! Seek help in patience and the prayer.” 2:153

Asalaam 'alaikum
SistaSista

[Snowflake]

May Allah ease your affairs.. ameen

It's correct that in matters of life and death necessity overrides prohibition. But while it may be a struggle living on a low-income, it isn't a case of life and death.

If you don't mind me asking bro, what is the nature of your illness? How are you coping with attending college? If your health does't improve, won't it get harder when you go to uni. Will you be well enough to work after graduating? Whether or not you have family depending on you, you must get better for your own sake.

As for boosting your income in the meantime, you can work from home. Proof-reading is a well-paid job for putting your feet up and reading a book to find errors.

http://www.chapterhousepublishing.co.uk/index.php
(UK residents can pay for course by monthly instalments - for correspondence course)

More.. also check out the adverts on earnin extra money on both sides of page:
http://www.findextrawork.co.uk/proofreadingjobs.php

http://www.findextrawork.co.uk/betterware.php < you could do this easily in your neighbouring areas.

You have a lot to deal with bro. Get yourself better first inshaAllah. Once you're in good health you will be able to do so much more for your mother/family inshaAllah.

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[aamirsaab]

Just wanted to add:
As my dad doesnt want my mum to have his money or his house (he said this to someone) he has taken an extra morgage out on the house, canceled all of the joint accounts and transfered all of the policys to his name and put a lot of his money away in Pakistan just in case my mum asked for a divorce so he'd only have to give 50% of nothing.

Erm...that's not how divorces work in Islam. Parties get what they bought into the relationship and anything that was given to them - not this 50% crap.

So basically your father is being a jerk and a dumbass.

Tell your mom to go to a sharia court, they'll sort this unfortunate mess out. Also, phone the cops if your father becomes physically abusive.

As for your animation competition; screw it - it involves lottery style win money so forget about it. Get a job instead; work part time at local groceries or something.

That's all the advice I can think of right now.

[Sampharo]

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and I am sure you are trying to find out what should you do and what should your father be doing. Maybe the devil will even start playing in your head to do something against Islam in terms of disrespecting or God forbid insult or fight with your father, please by all means stay away from that dreadful path. A father is a father no matter what, and if he needs everything you own and asks for it you should give him gladly knowing that God holds almost nothing higher in regard than treating your parents with kindness and self-sacrifice, not even Jihad. The hadith is clear that aside from praying on time, pleasing and being good to your parents is the most loved thing. That is specially when your parents are not good to you, for it is very easy to be kind to your parent when they are all smiles and all spending on you and giving you love and kisses and care.

Your father appears to be sinful, but though adultery after marriage is punishable by hodud, it doesn't take him out of the fold of Islam. Even when the sahaba's -RAA- had mushrekeen parents who would scream at them to apostate, they would calmly and politely refuse but treat them with kindness. Being kind to your parents, especially your mother, opens the doors of heaven upon you with blessings, provisions, money, happiness, and forgiveness. Allah says: "May that who is Baarr (good and kind) to his parents do whatever he wants, I have forgiven him of all sins, and may that who is AAaq (abusive or bad) to his parents do whatever he wants, he will never be forgiven", and the prophet says "Stay by the feet of your mother, for there is paradise" meaning that being kind and helping and supporting your mother will grant you entry into paradise. The prophet also said as per the Bayhaqi in a hadith: "Whomever looks into the face of his parents a look of kindness, it is written for him as an equivelent for an accepted pilgrimage" and was asked "even if he looks a 100 times a day?" and the prophet replied "yes, Allah is greater and most generous"

Umar Ibn Al-Khattab said in a story when asked that the child has only three rights on his father: To name him a clean name, to choose his mother, and to teach him about Quran. If you have a decent name, and your mother is a woman you would not be ashamed of, and if he told you about Quran or took you to mosque even once, or let you learn it, you have nothing more to demand. Yes he is required by Islam to spend on his family, but that is to feed you and provide for your basic sustenance as he can. Moving the money out of England because he is worried if he is divorced he will give 50% I am sure to everyone seems like a bad thing to do, but honestly it is not Islamic that a divorce forces such distribution of money to start with. However I understand your point, but even if he hides money and squeezes the budget, that is something for God to judge him for it, not you my friend.

What you can control my dear brother is your own actions, not that of your family or your father. Whatever sins he commits, it is for God to punish him for it. If you need more money to spend on your family and support your mother, my God what blessings and rewards you can get for such a thought, let alone if you actually do it! :) God will not let you down and will open the doors of heaven and Earth for you insha Allah. Do not however be negative towards your father, like I said don't judge him, that's what God is there to do, and as the prophet said: "Find an excuse for your brother, and if you can't, think that maybe there is an excuse that you couldn't think of." Your father is not an evil person by necessity but maybe he went through hardships before that is making him behave this way, or just giving in to temptations he is weak about, or maybe not really doing what you guys think but you were only lead to believe that from all the gossip you listened to. Anyway, like I said you can only control what you do, and what you can do is to support and be close and kind to your mother and see what you can do to help around like you do now.

As for getting money out of animation, if that animation involves living things then it is haraam. If the job includes getting money partially from lottery funding, then the source of money is haraam since you know where it is coming from. Taking money from questionable work is permissible in an extreme necessity, , as in pushing off starvation, and I am afraid based on what you say it doesn't sound like an extreme necessity. It is much better off doing anything else my brother, including working from home on the Internet like the sister suggested or even manual work. You live in the UK where there is minimum wage and therefore any manual jobs have little people going for it but insha Allah will put enough additional into your home to make you and your mother comfortable.

God bless and hope your conditions improve and that God provides guidance to your father.

Sam

I had problems when I was young

and the mother is even more precious and more than three times more worthy of good treatment.

[Sampharo]

Sorry, I can't edit posted messages yet.

I had problems when I was young

and the mother is even more precious and more than three times more worthy of good treatment.

I left those phrases as I was meaning to reincorporate, but I pressed post too soon. I was meaning to say I had problems with my mother too when I was young and El-Hamdolellah God changed things around and subhanallah you can't imagine how things can indeed change so much. For you it is easier because the mother is more previous and more than three times worthy of good treatment and good company.

Anyway, hope you read and understood the inner meaning of my earlier post and insha Allah will find your solution.

[7eighty6]

how much money are we talking about here to begin with.
PM and I can side with ur story. I have gone through the same issues as u.

[anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I will do my best to answer your questions:

SistaSista –“The money should not really be an issue as money cannot buy happiness”

It’s not so much the money I’m after its some freedom for me and my brothers and especially my mother.
Leaving in this house is really oppressive he forces my younger brother to go out with him because his doesn’t like that we spend so much time with our mother. Its not like we do it to make him jealous its that we really find it hard to be around him and feel really bad for what my mother puts up with for our sake.Having said this we do always show his respect because of encouragement from my mother .

Scents of Jannah –“It's correct that in matters of life and death necessity overrides prohibition. But while it may be a struggle living on a low-income, it isn't a case of life and death.”

Again it’s not directly the money we want. I think living in this house is haraam in itself as my father does not have a halah job neither does he set a good example for my brothers. I don’t mean to judge its just how things are.

In situations like this allah says we should be able to turn to family but no one is really in position to help us (we have tried).
My mother even tried talking to my dad’s brother in confidence a while back who always seemed like a nice guy, the next day he had brought over their whole said of the family to complain to my mum for causing trouble, it was all of them against her and she still sent us upstairs to prevent us from worrying although I felt I should have stayed by her side.

“If you don't mind me asking bro, what is the nature of your illness? How are you coping with attending college? If your health doesn’t improve, won't it get harder when you go to uni.”

I’m afraid its something I’m going to have for life, amongst other things the main problem is how tired it can make me, this can severely affect my concentration. Would you believe when I was just a baby and before I was diagnosed with my illness my dad’s family would always complain to my mother that I would always cry because I’m afraid of people and she’s made me too soft. Even when I was diagnosed at the age of 5 they didn’t really care.

There was also another example of my days behaviour ; i was 12 going in for “major surgery” but he had to leave before I went in the operating room because he had a cricket game and “didn’t want to let the guys down.”
With Allah’s grace get by. I am also registered with the disability service they give me the extra help and support to keep up with the college work.

Aamirsaab –“Erm...that's not how divorces work in Islam. Parties get what they bought into the relationship and anything that was given to them - not this 50% crap.”

Could you please explain more , Allah is just and im sure there would be more to this . Thanks.

“Tell your mom to go to a sharia court, they'll sort this unfortunate mess out. Also, phone the cops if your father becomes physically abusive.”

This is where things get even more worse.
There have been two cases with the police, the first was to my mother and the 2nd to me and my brothers.
The problem is that he can get out of these things pretty easily, would you believe he has influence with some pretty “respected” Politian’s who gave him a character reference saying that the behaviour was out of character for him and he got away lightly. He also has friends who are lawyers and other influential positions and he himself has a “pillar of the community” type image. So whenever we try to talk to someone they believe him over us.

So even if he did got to sharia court he would turn everything on us guaranteed. And he would make our lives a nightmare as we would still have to live with him through the process.

7eighty6
I will try to PM you as soon as I can.

Please let me know what you all think.

Thank you all,

[Dawud_uk]

:sl:

first of all i think people have explained much better than i could about the issue of the lottery and animation so best leave that well alone.

as others have mentioned, it is better you get your mother out of this situation, why dont you speak to a local citizens advice advisor? there will often be places women can go temporarily, some are good some are really bad. so find out what the women's shelters are like in your area, some are ok but some are run by feminists who try to brain wash women away from islam.

otherwise if you can wait, see if you can save up a months rent and a bond for a house, your mother should get housing benefit by the sounds of it, but once again the citizens advice people will let you know.

once you have this, get a brother who is working to act as the guaruntee on the rental agreement and then you dont need to be working to get a rental house, once you have it you can go to the council and get housing benefit and you and your mother are out of your fathers clutches.

it should then be easier inshallah for her to get back on her feet once she is out of this oppression, as for your father... if i knew him myself me and him would be 'having words outside' as we say up north.

i've only known of two men as bad as this, one of them was dealt with by the local community without the police being involved but not every community is strong enough to do that.

:sl:

[aamirsaab]

:sl:

Could you please explain more , Allah is just and im sure there would be more to this . Thanks

I'll examplify this:
Let's say;
Man earns 10k; man buys his wife a car and some thundercat figures (hey, it's an example, I have to make it cool somehow!)
Women earns 3k; buys herself some earings

Sharia divorce

Women takes 3k in divorce; her earings, the car and the thundercat figures.

Non-sharia divorce

Women would get 7.5k (half of total income [10 plus 3 = 13; 50% of 13 = 7.5]). She has a chance (which would be upto the judge) of taking the car and/or thundercat figures and/or the earings but it is not gauranteed.



Your father is under the assumption that if he closes his joint account etc he won't lose 50% of his stuff - but as I have explained this does not happen in sharia; there is no 50% cut.

Your father is wasting his time; anything your mother owns or was given to her, she will receive (inshallah) in the event of a divorce. Provided of course she goes to a sharia court.

[anonymous]

"otherwise if you can wait, see if you can save up a months rent and a bond for a house, your mother should get housing benefit by the sounds of it, but once again the citizens advice people will let you know."

And heres another twist, for reasons my father only knows he forced my mum to sign one of his papers to put a flat under her name a good while back. Whenever she tries to confront him about it he gets all agressive but she cant push too hard as we have no one to rely on and no where to go. So I doubt the citizens advice people will give us accomodation as we "supposedly" are ready have one.

Your probably thinking why dont we just move in to the flat, three things, first my dad doesnt playing by the book and has fancy lawyers and stuff that would get us chucked out somehow, theres also some problem with the morgage that we wouldnt be able to cover and finally thats where he takes his "women" so we would be disgusted leaving in that environment.


As much as I need your help and guidence and dont think I should give any more away just in case someone we know comes across this and that would make things even more difficult on my mum.

Do you think its permissible to enter the compettion now? I stand a pretty good chance of winining but again do not wont to anger allah but at the same time im sure allah knows we have tried everything and whats in our hearts but that "man" doesnt like to play fair and we suffer in a big way.

Im afraid what I have said is only the tip of the iceberg and things are getting more difficult. Today in particular is making us feel Very bad for reasons I cant really go into.

Thank you for all your help and support.

[anonymous]

Just one last reponse to the other brothers question :

Your father is wasting his time; anything your mother owns or was given to her, she will receive (inshallah) in the event of a divorce. Provided of course she goes to a sharia court.

My mother doesnt realy have anything ( money or jewllery ) we get by on the little money he gives us(only because he likes to keep up apperence and cares very much on image).

The little money she did have he made her spend on a car so he could make sure she didnt have any back up money and im afraid thats how he works.

Without only disrespct to my dad and I say it only because we have tried evreything under the sun to end this but the one word that could describe him is oppressive

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

My dad has been caught messing about with women ...my mother especially is suffereing

:(

May Allah guide your father , may Allah gives your mother best rewards for all the sufferings she went through.

Bro , don't get frustrated . Keep praying . InshaAllah , you will be granted what is good for your hereafter.

[SistaSista]

Hi brother

I am sorry to hear the extent of your difficulties, May Allah ease the strain on you and your family.

I still think that the animation competition is a No go. There are other steps you can take to free yourselves from the situation, here are the details of a few numbers of charities I think should be able to help you, dont panic, have hope something will turn up,

Women’s aid is a charity that can women and children that are suffering in their homes here is the number 0808 2000 247. The Muslim youth helpline can offer support and advice the number is 0808 808 2008 email info@myh.org.uk . The citizens advice bureau, if you look on website you can find local office http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/ they can help with lots of problems. Shelter who can help people with housing problems, they can help you get a bond/ deposit for a private let, from your local council so that you don’t have to save for deposit if you are on a low income, their number 0808 800 4444, www.england.shelter.org.uk . The Muslim community helpline 020 8904 8193 or 020 8908 6715. Muslim women’s resource centre 0808 801 0301 email helpline@mwrc.org.uk website www.mwrc.org.uk all these charities are 100% confidential and they cannot tell anyone about what you discuss. I am sure they have helped many people in your situation all over the country before. If you are over 16 years old you can apply for the new property in your name. Also as you have a disability that affects your daily abilities, as you said you tire easily, you should also be claiming Disability Living Allowance, which can bump up your income and is not affected if you get a job. If you do not already claim this you can get a form by calling 0800 882200. You will need Cab (citizens advice bureau) to fill in the form for you, as they need wording correctly. If contact your welfare officer at the local council and they can help you with benefit claims and enquires they are there to maximise your income. Also they cannot tell anyone about you contacting them. I think maybe it is worth giving some of the numbers a bell and seeing what they can do for. In a few years you can look back on this time and see it was not all doom and gloom, inshAllah.

I hope this is useful for you, May Allah ease your hardship, Ameen.
Take care and pray hard.
Salam
Sistasista

[anonymous]

Thanks very much SistaSista my mum was very happy that you took the time to give us all those numbers, we havent had a chance to call them yet but we will.

My mum also wanted me to ask that if you have a baby who dies a couple of days after its birth and as far as we know they can say to allah to bring there parents to heaven as they did not get to spend time with them in this life, do you think this would still apply to my dad. My mum was worried because he always gets away with everything but we know that allah is just.

Thanks,

[anonymous]

Some more bad news im afraid.

We tried all the numbers and even when to a meeting with one of them, they said they can only help us get a home if we're homless.

The problem with this is my mum really does not want to end up worser than we already are as thats exactly what my dad would like.

My brothers would also have to change schools as they have no accomadation in the area.

So it doesnt look like that option is going to work out.

We all feel like we're going crazy but I really dont know what else we can do.

If you have any ideas please let me know.

Thanks,

[anonymous]

2 months since my last post and im sorry to say things are just getting worse,

we're still stuck.imsad

It also turns out his going out with a shia - but again if we confront him he will deny it, and no one else we know cares enough to do anything:cry:

[cat eyes]

Assalaamualikum

brother i can relate to your problems in a big way, i understand what your going through only difference is i had to strive without a mother as she passed away when i was quite young and your father has same behaviour as mine..

i can understand why your mother has stayed with your father for so long is because she is totally dependant on him, she is afraid of being left alone. now what you need to do is take care of your mother... you need to find a job and support your family. also im very concerned about your mothers health, i would suggest you should take her to a doctor or councelor as soon as possible..

you need to hold her hand through all of this.. and give her support. your doctor will be able to get you free counceling for your mother,

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum,

I'm sorry to hear things have got worse for you. May Allah grant you and your family ease. Ameen. Your father has done enough and it's time to stand up to him. Take your mother to a solicitor and don't worry, this isn't Pakistan where your father can that easily bribe solicitors to do his dirty work. Trust me they are just as afraid of losing their jobs and reputation as the next person. Don't be intimated by men in suits!

Give all the details you know, includng the flat in your mothers name etc. I didn't read whether the house is in both your parents name or not. Either way, your mother won't end up worse off.

See this...

The law in Britain puts the children's interests first, the courts aiming to ensure that the kids maintain their previous standard of living and hopefully remain in the existing home, at the same school with the same friends.

This usually means that the family home (or a feasible alternative) will be allotted to the parent with whom the children are going to live, regardless of whose name is on the deeds or tenancy agreement and in spite of the fact that this parent may have temporarily moved out when the relationship broke down. With young children, this carer will nearly always be the mother. Generally speaking, only if she doesn't want care and custody or she's a patently bad mother, will Dad get the kids.

http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-...the-House.aspx

I really do think, it's time to get proper legal advice and if your mother may qualify for legal aid. First check with your local Citizens Advice Bureau inshaAllah. For all your sakes, please do it soon inshaAllah. :)

[anonymous]

My mother suggested divorce but he just laughed.

We dont qualify for that and it can get more expensive than we can afford.

I really dont know whats left to do :cry:

[anonymous]

Anyone with a mother knows how hard it is to watch them suffer and be able to do nothing.imsad

[Ummu Sufyaan]

My mother suggested divorce but he just laughed.

We dont qualify for that and it can get more expensive than we can afford.

I really dont know whats left to do :cry:

you have to do something...have you spoken to a shiekh about your situation?

[syilla]

:salamext:

You can try the woman abuse organisation or something like it... InshaAllah they'll be able to help you. Just ask around, if there are someone who are able to help in this kind of situation.