husband openly chats to women on a messenger and thinks there's nothing wrong

[AnonymousPoster]

my husband openly chats to women on a messenger, opening their cams etc and does not hide it. if i catch him and ask to shut it down he says you can look read etc but i am not interested. is it a good enough reason for divorce? he says it helps to relieve stress and he has no interest in those women, all he cares is our family etc... i said many times i don't like it, don't approve of it and told him to stop. he said all men do it, but most hide it and their wives don't know and men can do it but women are not allowed. surely islam does not approve of it, does it?

i am at the point of leaving and going back to where i come from (non asian country, christian as well) but the thought of uprooting my children (4 and 2) from nurseries, and their comfortable lives makes me cringe as it is very unfair on them.

[AnonymousPoster]

men can do it but women are not allowed. surely islam does not approve of it, does it?

You're right. It does not!

[S_87]

and men can do it but women are not allowed.

ask him if hes talking to other men because if men can do it but women cant then who the hell is he talking to? and no all men do not do that

You leaving him is upto you but i suggest you speak to someone more learned about this rather than take advice from us.

[Zahida]

:sl: Sis i have the same problem. When i ask him to stop we only start to argue........................ If you have tried with all your heart to stop him, then if you have the strength and patience then ignore it. You have expalined to him it is Haraam and he still continues this behaviour..........you have done the right thing so now just leave him to it it's his sin.

Secondly sis he may be chatting to these stupid women on the net but at least he is at home with you and not out........... so this is also a blessing. Try to think positive. Ignore him. Tell him one last time how you feel then ignore him.

I sincerely wish you the best because i have been there tooo:sunny::w:

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[Brother_Mujahid]

ask him how he'd like it if it was the reverse. i'm sure he wouldn't like it.

[Beardo]

It is unfair to the children, I cannot imagine what it would be like for them. But this is an unfair and unjust act on your husband's part. My only advice would probably go to a Muslim family counselor...?

[yusuf18]

personaly its just a minor issue allhu alam

[Muezzin]

personaly its just a minor issue allhu alam

I fail to see how a man openly video-chatting with strange women on the Internet in front of his wife is a minor issue.

As to advice - I agree with Brother Mujahid.

[Beardo]

personaly its just a minor issue allhu alam

It's these minor issues that later become an uncontrollable disaster. Not saying this one has or hasn't the potential, but it should be tended to if the wife has a problem with it.

[yusuf18]

I fail to see how a man openly video-chatting with strange women on the Internet in front of his wife is a minor issue.

As to advice - I agree with Brother Mujahid.

yes but these days everything is a big deal

[Muezzin]

yes but these days everything is a big deal

If you were married and your wife was video-chatting with strange men, would you feel it was a minor issue?

[yusuf18]

If you were married and your wife was video-chatting with strange men, would you feel it was a minor issue?

i will divorce her kalass and you know what at the end of the day she will be humilated if she goes on cam for strange guys women always do sadly

[nebula]

personaly its just a minor issue allhu alam

Akhi how can you say that this is a minor issue? its a very serious issue!

To the sister who opened this thread, I don't have much advice to give atm, but do Dua to Allah swt to help your husband realise what hes doing is wrong, i hope things ease for you inshallah sister. Ill rememer you in my dua Inshallah! :thumbs_up

[7eighty6]

This is definately not a minor issue. This is how it all starts. First talk, then touch then bla bla bla.

1 beer doesn't get some1 drunk but many does. Similarly this is a gateway to sin and that itself is sin too.

[yusuf18]

Akhi how can you say that this is a minor issue? its a very serious issue!

To the sister who opened this thread, I don't have much advice to give atm, but do Dua to Allah swt to help your husband realise what hes doing is wrong, i hope things ease for you inshallah sister. Ill rememer you in my dua Inshallah! :thumbs_up

i mean if it such a big deal why dont the husband and wife go their seprate ways

[Muezzin]

i will divorce her kalass

And Islamically, you would be within your rights to.

Just as a woman whose husband is video-chatting to strange women on the Internet against the wife's wishes would be.

It is not a minor issue at all, because it can end a marriage.

[crayon]

I don't know about everyone else, but personally I find the idea of him flaunting it worse than whatever it is he's doing.. I mean, if you know you're doing something wrong, you at least try to hide it, especially from someone like your wife...:?

[Salahudeen]

I don't know how your husband could say it's haraam for women to do but not men, maybe you would like to point out the following ayah to him :)

“And tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest…And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent….”(Holy Qur'an: Chapter 24, Verses 30-31)

[Salahudeen]

Also all men don't do it, for a number of reasons, but the most common 1 is, they would HATE it, if their wifes were to do the same to them.

And as for it relieving stress, tell him it is better to find a halal way to relieve stress like reading or listening to Qur'an recitation or islamic lectures rather than looking at women it's haraam for him to look at.

[crayon]

^Exactly like the brother said, if it really is to relieve stress, there's plenty of other harmless and in fact beneficial things he could do, and they don't even neccessarily have to be Islamic. He could do some sort of sport, take up sqash or swimming, for example.

[Salahudeen]

haraam is haraam yes the desire in men to look at beautifull women is stronger however that does not mean it becomes any less haraam. And if this is the case why go near something that is going to cause you to look?

It's like a man walking down a nude beach or shopping centre and saying it's ok for me to look since the desire in side men is stronger. Why go there in the first place stay away if you know you're not going to be able to control your gaze.

I personally have made a rule for myself to avoide all shopping centres unless there is an absolute neccessity because I know what's gonna happen when I go there, my eyes will begin to wonder. so I stay away and avoide the temptation for myself

why go near temptation, if I had his problem I would disconnect the internet or uninstall msn or throw the webcam out the window 1 day not say it's ok because the desire inside me to look at women is stronger.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh

[Salahudeen]

yes the hadith is

"I have not left behind any trial for the men of my ummah more greater than the trial of women"

but he didn't say because it's going to be such a big trial your allowed to look rather you have been advised from the messenger of allah that this is going to be a big trial and he's warning us to take precautions against it, and one of those precautions is lowering the gaze from looking at haraam things.

He didn't say women are going to be a really big trial for you guys in the future so you may as well just give in and look at them.

[Salahudeen]

anyone with some sence would at least tolerate it becouse thats the weakness of men do you want to help shaytan agesnt your husband

akhi I would tolerate the odd glance on the street, but to actually switch on the computer and log into msn and start chatting to strange women, I wouldn't tolerate this because it's something completely avoidable by the man.

it's within his reach to remove this fitna for himself by simpley blocking and deleting all the women on his msn list.

If you went to a place where women were walking around indecently for the fun of it would you say

"oh well my wife should accept it because there's big fitna of women these days"

or would you say why the hell did I even come to this place at all when I knew there was going to be fitna here,

similarly everytime he logs into msn he knows there's going to be fitna there of women messaging him and coming on cam so why not just remove all the female contacts or uninstall MSN.

Why go towards the fitna.

[جوري]

sure here you go "I have not left behind any trial for the men of my ummah more greater than the trial of women"

That doesn't give a carte Blanche for men to cheat on webcam whilst forbidding women from doing so.. if anything one gets from the hadith (which under no circumstance are you qualified to interpret) that you should try harder to keep your chastity in the face of temptation not give in to it under the banner of 'it isn't a big deal for a man'-- so, do you want to try again?

[yusuf18]

That doesn't give a carte Blanche for men to cheat on webcam whilst forbidding women from doing so.. if anything one gets from the hadith (which under no circumstance are you qualified to interpret) that you should try harder to keep your chastity in the face of temptation not give in to it under the banner of 'it isn't a big deal for a man'-- so, do you want to try again?

yes i will try again this time from allah Aal-e-Imran [3:14] fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: WOMEN and sons; heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (to return to

[GreyKode]

yes i will try again this time from allah Aal-e-Imran [3:14] fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: WOMEN and sons; heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (to return to

What that man is doing is haraam, plain and simple. He has no excuses.
Besides the verse says
"zuyyina lennas", so in this sense it means the desire of both men and women.
Wallahu a3lam.

[yusuf18]

What that man is doing is haraam, plain and simple. He has no excuses.
Besides the verse says
"zuyyina lennas", so in this sense it means the desire of both men and women.
Wallahu a3lam.

yes but in a way man has lee way

[Muezzin]

yes but in a way man has lee way

Not in this case. Now let's get back to the topic.

Anyway.

ask him how he'd like it if it was the reverse. i'm sure he wouldn't like it.

Try this, thread starter.

[جوري]

yes i will try again this time from allah Aal-e-Imran [3:14] fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: WOMEN and sons; heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (to return to

yes men covet.. again, what is your point?
how does the verse and/or the hadith make it OK for a married man to use a webcam to speak with a foreign female, and at the same time be taken as forbidden for women punishable by divorce? ...

Bottom line is, it is wrong for both, the sooner you begin to comprehend that the faster we can get back to finding a resolution to the problems of the OP...

I am not sure what is worst, making a mistake or insisting that that it is correct?

:w:

[yusuf18]

yes men covet.. again, what is your point?
how does the verse and/or the hadith make it OK for a married man to use a webcam to speak with a foreign female, and at the same time be taken as forbidden for women punishable by divorce? ...

Bottom line is, it is wrong for both, the sooner you begin to comprehend that the faster we can get back to finding a resolution to the problems of the OP...

I am not sure what is worst, making a mistake or insisting that that it is correct?

:w:

ok ok but still i will stand by my word saying that men have lee way thoe its still haram for both please we need our sisters to understand this and we can move on inshallah

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

ok ok but still i will stand by my word saying that men have lee way thoe its still haram for both please we need our sisters to understand this and we can move on inshallah

You can't just say things out of what you desire and then not give any Islamic proof for your statements. Until you provide proof, your statements are nothing more than your own opinions which Islamically hold no weight.

[Zahida]

:sl: Everyone it really is hard until you find yourself living in that situation. Divorce is a very big step if the problem can be solved. I went through it with my husband and we argued and argued because he refused to stop. In the end i did not give up but ignored him................this was hard but i managed with the help of Allah...............this carried on for about 6 months or so, finally one day he didn't come home and go on the computer. It stopped.

I would advise our sis not to be hasty and give him a chance to change and subtly dropping hints at him about his behaviour, see how it goes thats all i would advise. He is Muslim it is wrong but he needs to learn that for himself. Sis has done the right thing by talking/arguing whatever about the situation. Allah knows all and hears all and see all, our sis has done the right thing.:w::bump1:

[Tony]

sorry to hear of your situation sister, may Allah give you the strength and wisdom to do the right thing. I used to have many female friends pre islam days, bu now I have none, I also would not hurt my wife by behaving even loosely like this, make dua for him sister and may Allah give him guidance

[Sahabiyaat]

i think telling him how he would feel if you did the same is pointless as he as already established its ok for him to do it but not for you
Im sorry op, but ur husband is scum.

If he has no interest in these other women, then why does he feel a need to speak to them, and what do u think they speak about? the weather?

Hes cheating on you and to add insult to injury, is letting you know about it, so he doesnt have to feel guilty.

dont stand for it....i dont know what advice to give you though ....u have 2 children with him,...so the words divorce in this case are harder to pronounce.

...what do u think makes him do this...i mean do you feel your neglecting any of your duties towards him, or is he just like this?.Also how long have you been married for? .Men get bored easily...and those without the deen in their hearts resort to haraam.

[Intisar]

:sl: Delete messenger off your computer, make sure he doesn't use it again. Or, save the conversations, I'm pretty sure it gives you that option on MSN so if you find anything suspicious (like cheating) then you can confront him about it. Obviously he's lying, he doesn't just ''talk'' to these women since you mentioned a webcam somewhere in your post.

Just watch him very carefully, and see where this goes.

I don't know whether divorce or seperation should be the best option cause there are kids involved. So just see where it goes, and if it gets worse and he doesn't listen just stay away for a bit and see whether he improves his behaviour or not.

May Allaah make your husband see the error of your his ways and stop this haraam behaviour. Ameen.

[yusuf18]

:sl: Delete messenger off your computer, make sure he doesn't use it again. Or, save the conversations, I'm pretty sure it gives you that option on MSN so if you find anything suspicious (like cheating) then you can confront him about it. Obviously he's lying, he doesn't just ''talk'' to these women since you mentioned a webcam somewhere in your post.

Just watch him very carefully, and see where this goes.

I don't know whether divorce or seperation should be the best option cause there are kids involved. So just see where it goes, and if it gets worse and he doesn't listen just stay away for a bit and see whether he improves his behaviour or not.

May Allaah make your husband see the error of your his ways and stop this haraam behaviour. Ameen.

good advise sister but sister it sounds quite controling

[Clover]

my husband openly chats to women on a messenger, opening their cams etc and does not hide it. if i catch him and ask to shut it down he says you can look read etc but i am not interested. is it a good enough reason for divorce? he says it helps to relieve stress and he has no interest in those women, all he cares is our family etc... i said many times i don't like it, don't approve of it and told him to stop. he said all men do it, but most hide it and their wives don't know and men can do it but women are not allowed. surely islam does not approve of it, does it?

i am at the point of leaving and going back to where i come from (non asian country, christian as well) but the thought of uprooting my children (4 and 2) from nurseries, and their comfortable lives makes me cringe as it is very unfair on them.

Sounds like a jerk. I would tell him he can either stop, or you'll start doing it. That might make him snap into reality, where women are not men's control things.

Children can get through pain, just like you, but I'd try to stay with him first, maybe see a counselor?

[Yanal]

:sl:
Suspician and unfair crtitism are sins. One must avoid of indulging in these evils as far as possible because these may prove injurious to the healthy atmosphere of the society. As many terrible spiritual diseases spring out of these evils,Islam has forbidden suspician and fault-finding.

Do not suspect sister as it states above and inshAllah Allah will open his eyes,inshAllah I will add more after I come from school.

:sl:

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

ugh, this is definitely not a minor issue....and bro yusuf thank Allah ur account is disabled or else I'd have gone into WW3 with you, we've had two wars already. Word wars really...

[Modsister]

my husband openly chats to women on a messenger,

Dear sister I know of a situation similar to this, the man was saying he was separated .... but didn't say he was still living with his wife, I was of the opinion in his head he may have moved on ... but his wife he obviously didn't tell... and she even aware of the fact that he was looking elsewhere. I suppose what i'm saying is ... how solid is your relationship. He is wrong for doing it... I dont care what explanation he gives... But i have to say being a single mum, bringing up children on your own is a very difficult thing to do. and i wouldnt wish divorce on anyone with children so what ever you do, take your time and think it through. WS