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AnonymousPoster
06-03-2009, 03:26 PM
:sl:

Well were do I start. My family are making me sooo upset I feel like they don't fear Allah.
My eldest bro was married and had 2 children then decided he wanted to marry a girlfriend (astagfirulllah).
Even before he married her he started bringing her to my sisters house and my parents knew what he was doing.
Me and my dad told my mum we should disown my brother as he stopped all marriage relationship with his wife, but my mum didn't let this happen.
Now he has two kids from 2nd wife too. He hardly speaks to the first one. A couple of months ago he stopped over at my parents as a one off which resulted in wife no1 pregnant.
Now his 2nd wife is saying she'll leave him so my brother told her the baby isn't his. He said this about a woman who NEVER leaves the house alone NEVER and alhumdulillah she is a Allah fearing woman.
He denied he said the above to my mum but wife 2 is saying he swore onthe Quran!!!!!!
I said to my mum be firm and questiion wife 2 tell her that he has to be equal to both and if he cant then they are free to go but have nothing to do with us, she says im causing trouble.
Me and my mum ended up having an argument. I can't let my mum keep quiet if she does then I have to cut ties with her.
I already argue with her about my sister who leaves the house to go to school dressed like its a model, they openly accept music etc.
Yet she prays her namaaz. Another thing she won't let my dad have a say and is very dominating.
I feel like running away and cutting all ties.
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Zahida
06-03-2009, 05:31 PM
:sl: Phewwwwwwwwwww..... m head spun just reading all of that......

Wife no 2 is obviously your bros favourite............. Why did he come and spend the night with wife number 1???? Why did she let him???? What does he do for her.........................

All the other stuff he is accusing his wife of being unfaithful............ What gives wife number 2 to make ANY comments>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sis if he could do this jump fom one to two then there is a possibilty of third.

I would make it clear to your brother how you feel, if the parents are being naive about the situation they will see the end results if they don't do anything about it..........

Be supportive to wife 1 as you are and be there for her, the rest dear sis pray to Allah that your bro sees sense. Ameen.

Sorry for being so negative just really sad that in this day and age this kind of behaviour is still happening.:sunny::w:
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AnonymousPoster
06-03-2009, 06:03 PM
Your right sis he does favour wife no 2 too much. He hatdly speaks to no 1 he only slept with her when he had major argument with the other.
The thing is my sister inlaw has no family inthe UK she cooks cleans and does EVERYTHING for my parents and my bro and his other wife always use my mum for money.
All i say is my mum should make it clear he has to spend time with this family too. I was sooo upset when she told me he hasn't even spoke to her about her being pregnant yet she's had a tough 5 months.
When I speak to my mum she argues with me saying I cause trouble.
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Dawud_uk
06-03-2009, 09:10 PM
:sl:

if everything is as you have described, your sin is sinning by being unjust to one wife, for which his wife can choose to ask for divorce from a qadi or sheikh if SHE chooses.

that is the thing, she is the one being wronged, so yes give advice but please sister you are not in a position to make demands, nor should you cut ties which is a far worse sin.

can a muslim commits zina enter jannah? Yes. can one who cut ties?

so you are making a bigger mistake here even than your brother, out of a good intention to help your sister in law.

:sl:
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AnonymousPoster
06-03-2009, 09:42 PM
Really? Thanks for pointing that out brother I see what you mean.
My sis inlaw looks to me to speak up for her, all Im saying is my parents should only support my brother if he treats his wives or atleast tries to treat his wives equal.
As muslims aren't we supposed to stop someone when they are oppressing someone? Is this not oppression? She will never leave my parents home as she has nobody to go to. She doesn't speak a word of English either!

I think my mum is wrong for not sitting my bro down and telling him "spend equal time with both, stop false accusations and support your wives yourself by looking for a job!" Why does she financially support him?
Am I right to sit back and let her feel used by my family and watch wife no 2 live a luxury life at my parents expense?
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IbnAbdulHakim
06-03-2009, 09:57 PM
what?

you feel like running away?


and cutting all ties?


you want to ditch your ENTIRE family?



WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???




SUBHANALLAAH



DONT EVER EVER THINK THAT!!




HERES A CLICHE IM JUST ABOUT TO SAY:::::


" PEOPLE SURVIVE THROUGH A MILLION TIMES WORSE"!!!!!!!!!!
(i know your probably an amazing person, this is just a wake up call :) i mean no offence...there have been times where i felt like doing crazy things also)




your bro's acting like a spineless coward.... and from the way he behaves it looks like talking wont do any good.... but do keep trying to influence him with the teachings of islaam inshAllah... however you can !


so i say this - make dua for him, and take care of the first wife.... may Allah make things better.


your just going through fitnah right now, thats all


TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS - trust me we're all going through them...


ASSALAMU ALAIKUM :)
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Zahida
06-03-2009, 10:13 PM
:sl: Sis i do understand where you are coming from, and i do believe that what you said was just a figure of speech, because no matter what you can never leave your family.

What you are feeling/saying is because you love them and want things to go smoothy for all concerned. If your bro is old enough to be married he should be old enough to sort out his personal affairs, sorry sis but he doesn't need them to tell him to pull his act together..........he is adult right, still i do agree that they should at least sit him down and talk to him and make all things unacceptable very clear...........

I feel for the first wife and am so proud that she has you for support. My concern is that she should also be strong enough and couragous enough to stand upto him...........and not let him use her the way he has..........more easily said than done............

If your bro was a "MAN" why has it gone so far that the second wife is pulling all the strings. He is married to them both. She should just keep quiet and not dictate to your bro, after all she must have known he was already married......... (silly woman)..................:raging:


But you keep up the good job with your sis in law Allah will reward you. Ameen:DPlease let us know how you get on.:w:
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The Ruler
06-04-2009, 01:37 AM
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AnonymousPoster
06-04-2009, 08:15 AM
:sl:

Hey don't worry, I wouldn't cut ties with them. I was so angry yesterday I just felt that way.

I just hate it to see injustice to my sister inlaw. The first was when my bro bought home a 3 months girl saying it was his and nobody stopped him. 2 months after he has a new girlfriend he decided the girl wasn't his.:?

Second time was when he started to bring this other women to our family home and she even argued with my sister in law. My mum found them a house to rent and even had to pay the rent because they spent all their money on drugs.:raging:

She had two children and my sis in law changed their nappies and fed them when they came to visit, yet my brother never spoke to her.

My brother didn't come home for 2 years, my sis inlaw cooked and did everything for my family.imsad

He had an argument with the first one, although she says she has accepted islam she still celebrates christmas and easter and believes the christian theory behind them:rollseyes

Now wife no 2 is saying my brother has promised her he has nothing to do with wife 1 so the baby isn't his. My mum still shoves all this under the carpet and treats my bro like a prince.

For 7 years I have voiced my concern about this all, it looks like me and my sis in law are one side and everybody else thinks because she's a village girl she should be ok with things!:cry:

What kind of family do I have? Astagfirullah I feel like each of us will have to pay for my sis inlaws tears if we sit back and let my bro do what he wants.

Sorry about the loooong post.

Oh yeah they all think Im weird and my mum has said to me inthe past your going too much into deen you'll go mad!!
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Zahida
06-04-2009, 04:50 PM
:sl: Your deen will never let you go mad.............. I feel for your sis-in-law because she is trapped and because of her self respect and those back home she is not strong enough to go back. I really feel for her, her tears, every sinle one, her husband will be accountable for.....................


I suggest you continue to show support for your sis-in-law every way possible
as you have done so and InshaAllah Allah will ease her difficulties and pain and put ease and happiness her way............... InshaAllah.imsad:w:
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-05-2009, 12:13 PM
:sl:
Now his 2nd wife is saying she'll leave him so my brother told her the baby isn't his. He said this about a woman who NEVER leaves the house alone NEVER and alhumdulillah she is a Allah fearing woman.
Someone needs to smack that second wife across the head :X

I said to my mum be firm and questiion wife 2 tell her that he has to be equal to both and if he cant then they are free to go but have nothing to do with us, she says im causing trouble.
Me and my mum ended up having an argument. I can't let my mum keep quiet if she does then I have to cut ties with her.
With you mum of all people?! 2 wrongs don’t make a right sis. Support your sis-in law but at the same time, Don’t argue with your mum even if it means not supporting your sis-in-law...
I already argue with her about my sister who leaves the house to go to school dressed like its a model, they openly accept music etc.
Instead of arguing with your mum about this, why don’t you speak to them about the wrongs they are doing...

I think my mum is wrong for not sitting my bro down and telling him "spend equal time with both, stop false accusations and support your wives yourself by looking for a job!" Why does she financially support him?
speak to her and tell her that she isn’t doing him any favors by supporting him and that he isn’t going to learn if she keeps on supporting him...

Am I right to sit back and let her feel used by my family and watch wife no 2 live a luxury life at my parents expense?
Me and my dad told my mum we should disown my brother as he stopped all marriage relationship with his wife, but my mum didn't let this happen.
Im glad she refused Because you don’t disown your family lol :p you get nothing out of it, quite frankly :) it’ll be even worse than how he is treatment his first...
Does your bro know how his Islamic obligations on being a polygamist? Perhaps he is ignorant? in that case, you need to speak to him...
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AnonymousPoster
06-05-2009, 12:34 PM
:sl:

I can see more clearly now and after bro Dawuds and urs sis I realize who am I to argue with my mum. Even if I don't agree with her being too nice to my bro its not for me to make matters between us worse.

My bro knows very well what Islam says, he went to a madrassa for nearly 2 years. I will just make dua for him and pray Allah gives him hidayah.

As for my sisters I have told them many times, I have even told them I won't take them to school or college wearing tight clothing and without head covering. I only say to my mum when they leave clothes like that for HER to wash she should bin them.
My daughter who is only seven even says to them Allah is angered when you leave the house uncovered but they don't seem to learn.
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-05-2009, 12:48 PM
:sl:
As for my sisters I have told them many times, I have even told them I won't take them to school or college wearing tight clothing and without head covering. I only say to my mum when they leave clothes like that for HER to wash she should bin them.
My daughter who is only seven even says to them Allah is angered when you leave the house uncovered but they don't seem to learn.
hmmm, how close are you with your sisters?...i only ask cos when you're really to and really love someone, you will eventually follow in their footsteps and start agreeing with what they say/do...so my suggestion is if you're not so close with your sisters, get to know them on a personal level a bit better...maybe do some stuff together, especially things that they like...maybe cook together, go shopping, etc (within Islamic boundaries). that way inshallah your relationship becomes a little stronger, and your dawah therefore more affective =)

also think about your method of dawah...so far your sisters have heard you telling them off for not dressing modestly, so perhaps you need to go a little softer in your speech =)
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