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sweetgujjigal
06-04-2009, 04:30 PM
salaams all

i really need help regarding this so if any1 can give me advice i will appreciate that.
i am in a situation where i am struggling to make a 100% decision about me and my boyfriend. i am 21 and he has just turned 24 in april.
i have been with him for a year, he is a really nyc person and down to earth,he told me earlier that his family live in uk, but this april he got caught by immigration because he has overstayed, and since then he told me that his family are backhome and didnt tell me that because he didnt wana lose me. He has been in detention centres from manchester to cambridgeshire and now at heathrow airport, i really want us to be together.

in court he told them about me and they wanted proof that me and him are real, but i was too scared at that point and didn't know what to do, they said he has 5/4 weeks left before they send him bak to bangladesh, i still have the option of getting married to him but he has to ask his legal advsor about that, but i would like to marry him in the future, i am scared to lose him, i have been doing istikhara last month and i didnt get any feelings, and i have been doin it again and have done it 6times from today and inshallah today will be the 7th day, but still i am confused and not really clear.

Also i don't want to tell my parents because they have the issue of getting married to a different race and culture to our own and i am gujarati,my sis wanted to marry a pakistani last year but my parents said no to this and strongly agreed she marrys in the same culture and race, and my parents tawk about their parents repsect but i dont see how marrying into a different culture and race would make a difference. i've seen people marry in different race and they're happy or not its like every married couple. i have acousin who has married to a pakistani boy even though her dad did not agree that time but they're ok with it now.
i want us to be together in future,ever since he been in detention centre he has been readin namaaz daily where as before it was mainly jumah and i feel everyday stronger that i want to be with him but confused at same time to what steps to take :(

can someone please give me some advice pleaseeee
thank you
salams
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alcurad
06-04-2009, 05:02 PM
there is nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different 'race', whatever that means, but a persons situation, background etc should be sound before making such a big commitment.

on another note, staying as bf/gf and acting as a married couple is-generally speaking-not allowed, if there are sexual interactions it amounts to adultery, so either marry him or leave him, but don't just hang there.

bear in mind that he is not the best person to attach yourself too, given how he wasn't completely honest about his situation and the trouble that followed, not that husband and wife and muslims not to mention fellow humans generally shouldn't be supportive of each other, but simply having stayed with for a while and developed some feelings doesn't mean he's the best person out there, there are many more men out there, ie. it's not the end of the world if you leave him, however if you truly wish to go and marry him, and are ready to bear all the consequences, then do so by all means, I'd advise against it however,,
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Snowflake
06-04-2009, 05:14 PM
Sis, I don't mean to be harsh but I have to be blunt. I don't think it's his cast you should be worrying about but about his status as an illegal immigrant.

he told me earlier that his family live in uk, but this april he got caught by immigration because he has overstayed, and since then he told me that his family are backhome
Sorry sis, but in the one year you knew him he only told you the truth when he got busted? Does that tell you something? More important than that, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are haram in Islam.

n court he told them about me and they wanted proof that me
You are not married so your relationship means nothing in the eyes of the law. Even if you were married, he'd have to go back to his own country and apply for a visa from the embassy there.

You also cannot marry him without the permission of your wali (guardian, ie. father, uncle, brother). For your sake sis, I hope you think hard and look at the facts without the rose-tinted glasses.
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Thinker
06-04-2009, 06:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by sweetgujjigal
he told me earlier that his family live in uk, but this april he got caught by immigration because he has overstayed, and since then he told me that his family are backhome and didnt tell me that because he didnt wana lose me.
He lied to you and mislead you.
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S_87
06-04-2009, 06:59 PM
:sl:

hey guji :p

the race isnt shouldnt be a problem but with him as an illegal immigrant, this kinda does complicate the issue quite a bit. What would he have to do to get legal status in the UK? will he have to return to bangladesh and u go there and file for him to come etc? that can be quite a hard process and u really would need ur parents support for that so i suggest if u really do want to marry him think about the process n speak to ur parents.
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sweetgujjigal
06-04-2009, 08:42 PM
thanks all keep the replies coming in, i really apppreciate your opinions on this
jazakhallah xxx
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sweetgujjigal
06-04-2009, 08:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
Sis, I don't mean to be harsh but I have to be blunt. I don't think it's his cast you should be worrying about but about his status as an illegal immigrant.


Sorry sis, but in the one year you knew him he only told you the truth when he got busted? Does that tell you something? More important than that, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are haram in Islam.


You are not married so your relationship means nothing in the eyes of the law. Even if you were married, he'd have to go back to his own country and apply for a visa from the embassy there.

You also cannot marry him without the permission of your wali (guardian, ie. father, uncle, brother). For your sake sis, I hope you think hard and look at the facts without the rose-tinted glasses.
thanks sis xx
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sweetgujjigal
06-04-2009, 08:47 PM
yes i know alot ov ppl mislead others for the stay but it just didnt seem like that :( guess i bin dumb 2 c if thats the case
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Forced_In
06-04-2009, 09:04 PM
Salaam,

I suppose you are tricked.
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sweetgujjigal
06-04-2009, 09:18 PM
it never really felt like i was being tricked :( tut
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Forced_In
06-04-2009, 10:15 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by sweetgujjigal
it never really felt like i was being tricked :( tut
Have you felt so, you might have acted differently. BTW nonreligious friendship
is dangerous, please take care.

Wassalam.
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Thinker
06-05-2009, 02:29 PM
Indians, Pakistani’s and (I think) Bengalis, living in the UK, try to marry people from within their own community even from within their own family. This appears to be true of Muslims and Hindus (not sure about Sikhs) so clearly it is matter of culture rather than religion. I have also formed the view that they tend towards marrying someone from their community of origin i.e. the village their parents came from in India/Pakistan. I understand the culture (although I don’t agree with it) but I don’t understand why they don’t marry someone from their community of origin who is already resident within the UK; why is that surely someone already resident in the UK is more likely to be culturally compatible?

Forgive me if my question is off topic or looks like hijacking this thread but I am curious to know.
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sweetgujjigal
06-05-2009, 06:32 PM
simply because he has no relatives in the uk, but i do believe he aint trying anything on here.
i have done the istikhara for 7days n yet m feelin quite the same as before,but he has told me he is going to do a voluntary form where he sorts his own travel and expense to go back to his country, therefore will be banned for the next 5years, he said he could come back in 3 months but if i get the marriage papers done, but i don't think i will go ahead with that process.
people have different views thats why i joined on here, before this and still now he seems the same he hasnt changed at all for this.
nowadays people want to marry out the origin just because they don't want to marry in their origins/culture,its something different.
well i have alot of views for this, even if you don't marry in your origin or family does it really make a difference as long as you love each other and want a life together? you tell me am i right or wrong here?
thanks for your thoughts x
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The Ruler
06-05-2009, 06:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by sweetgujjigal
simply because he has no relatives in the uk, but i do believe he aint trying anything on here.
You know... Belief driven by emotions is sometimes a little biased.

i have done the istikhara for 7days n yet m feelin quite the same as before,but he has told me he is going to do a voluntary form where he sorts his own travel and expense to go back to his country, therefore will be banned for the next 5years, he said he could come back in 3 months but if i get the marriage papers done, but i don't think i will go ahead with that process.
Wise decision.

people have different views thats why i joined on here, before this and still now he seems the same he hasnt changed at all for this.
How do you keep in contact with him, may I ask?

even if you don't marry in your origin or family does it really make a difference as long as you love each other and want a life together? you tell me am i right or wrong here?
thanks for your thoughts x
How could you love a man who so stupidly lied to you? O_O
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Salahudeen
06-05-2009, 08:49 PM
How many are the women who have been fooled by men claiming "I love you and wanna marry you" only to realise when it's too late that they were full of lies.

Don't be fooled, britain is full of men. But I'll tell you one thing, you won't find mr. right by having a haraam relationship those kind of men who are willing to have haraam relationships are most of the time only interested in messing around.

If you wanna get married join a marriage beaurue or ask a sister if she knows any brothers looking to get married. That's what I would do none of this bf/gf stuff how can you expect good to come from it when it's haraam in the first place.

If I was in your shoes I'd just forget bout him, your still young and don't know men very well. Sorry if I seem harsh but I just don't wanna see another young innocent girl getting tricked by some guy and crying afterwards.

If I had a penny for everytime it happened I'd be loaded now.
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
06-05-2009, 09:49 PM
:sl:

So trueee sheraz. Totally agree.

:w:
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sweetgujjigal
06-06-2009, 12:28 PM
wel since he been caught by immifration we keep in contact by fone
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sweetgujjigal
06-06-2009, 12:31 PM
ok thank you, wel i guess nothing more is goin to happen because he is going back in 2weeks now, i understand your opinion
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The Ruler
06-06-2009, 12:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by sweetgujjigal
wel since he been caught by immifration we keep in contact by fone
Did you ever meet him in person?
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sweetgujjigal
06-08-2009, 08:17 PM
yes i did used 2 meet him
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roohani.doctor
06-09-2009, 02:14 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Thinker
Indians, Pakistani’s and (I think) Bengalis, living in the UK, try to marry people from within their own community even from within their own family. This appears to be true of Muslims and Hindus (not sure about Sikhs) so clearly it is matter of culture rather than religion. I have also formed the view that they tend towards marrying someone from their community of origin i.e. the village their parents came from in India/Pakistan. I understand the culture (although I don’t agree with it) but I don’t understand why they don’t marry someone from their community of origin who is already resident within the UK; why is that surely someone already resident in the UK is more likely to be culturally compatible?

Forgive me if my question is off topic or looks like hijacking this thread but I am curious to know.
I think many parents have the view that people outside of their own country are 'corrupted' or not good enough. I know families who say/think that so *shrug*. Obviously this is far from the truth.

Or it could just really like this particular person (in home country) and want him/her to have a better life so they marry him/her to someone already in the UK. :rollseyes
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sweetgujjigal
06-12-2009, 03:13 PM
i feel really down after all this, i keep thinking maybe we aren't to be, i pray namaaz n keep asking for allahs guidance and help,after the istikhara i still have feelings for him but not much as before.
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shock_proof
06-14-2009, 10:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by sweetgujjigal
i feel really down after all this, i keep thinking maybe we aren't to be, i pray namaaz n keep asking for allahs guidance and help,after the istikhara i still have feelings for him but not much as before.
I think you're confused about how you feel for him. If you really love the guy and want to marry him then do that. Why on earth people still bother with the caste system I dont have a clue but explain to your parents that its not unislamic to marry outside you're culture or caste.
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noorahmad
06-14-2009, 11:36 AM
sis, i don't think a good marriage can be forged on a haraam relationship, thats my view of why, there are so many divorces, nowadays.

part of the last sermon of the prophet( peace be upon him ):
All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.
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sweetgujjigal
06-14-2009, 01:37 PM
hey wher you from shock proof?
i do feel confused on my feelings, i've been asking my friends for advice and on here, i did istikhara but i feel like because i'v read all these opinions on here i've started feeling more confused and on negative side of things. i really cant stop thinking about him,i feel like it cud be a mistake letting him go,beacause in da past i liked sum1 bak in ma country but i thort he jus wanted2 kum here but it wasnt dat n he nearly went mad over me and i just hated seeing that, i know wen your patient things come to you etc, but wid da guy back home he was nyc and evrything n finally his parents forced him to marry, and i kept blaming myself for that,anyways i just feel like al be doing something similar here, i've been wid him for a year and i feel too attached, i just think i should let go coz i don't want2 hurt ma parents feelings, but i know if i do go through wid nefin parents wudnt like it but later evryfin wud b ok. email me my email add is on here xxx thanks for being understanding
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shock_proof
06-14-2009, 04:24 PM
I just wanted to say I do sympathise with ur situation. Im from england and of Bangladeshi descent like ur boyfriend. I know its difficult when you are emotionally reliant on this person and then hes taken away from you. At the end of the day remember this if you do get married he'll be marrying you not your family, however it would obviously help u a lot if your family were accepting of him. I cant see your email.
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sweetgujjigal
06-18-2009, 07:30 PM
yeh i understand but obviously m jus respecting parents its like tha main thing i don't wana giv em a bad impression abwt me. neway its rahima_ibrahim@hotmail.com thank you sis keep in touch :)
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