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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 11:01 AM
:sl:

If your wali gave you his blessing and permission to marry the one you choose but is not 100% comfortable with it?
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- IqRa -
06-11-2009, 11:10 AM
Sis it is your life. When your parents are ok with it, then why shouldn't you go ahead with marrying the one you love? Remember the Prophet's (SAW) saying? There is nothing better than marriage for 2 people that love each other (something like that).

Your wali most likely has doubts in his mind, because he might not know the person as well as you do. But inshallah these doubts will be cleared when he sees you settling in your new home

Also do not forget to make istikharah
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-11-2009, 12:17 PM
wa alaykum us-salaam
ask why he isn't comfortable with it...and also leave it to istikhara...
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 12:33 PM
Because he may feel we are not compatible in the long run
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-11-2009, 12:35 PM
:sl:
ok khair inshallah, in which way? religious wise, dunya wise? have you tried discussing ur wali's insecurities about this potential with him? :) has ur wali prayed istikhara?
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 12:39 PM
I dont know what wise, just general wise. When they met they talked and I dont know if this person decided to really tone down to be respectful but he came across as someone who may not be what I'm looking for Deen wise. However I know of another side of him that is not as moderate as he may have seemed.
And as I said, he feels it would be a disaster in the long run (but that could be with anyone right?)
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-11-2009, 12:42 PM
:sl:
^yh i really think you and ur wali should leave it to istikhara :)
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 12:47 PM
What do you mean by that :?
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-11-2009, 12:51 PM
:sl:
i mean you seem to be confused i.e you think it's like this BUT in reality it may be like that.
and i think isthkara would make things clear...also, have you done background checks on this brother :? maybe that may help also :)
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Malaikah
06-11-2009, 12:51 PM
How uncomfortable is your wali? Was it an angry 'You can marry him and I'm unhappy and won't come to your wedding or support you?" type of reaction or a "You can marry him, and I will help and support you, but I think there are better men our there for you" kind of reaction? Or something in between??
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 01:00 PM
Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed
:sl:
i mean you seem to be confused i.e you think it's like this BUT in reality it may be like that.
and i think isthkara would make things clear...also, have you done background checks on this brother :? maybe that may help also :)
the persons personality is not the problem. its down to if he is 'good enough for me'
Istikhara has been made many many times

How uncomfortable is your wali? Was it an angry 'You can marry him and I'm unhappy and won't come to your wedding or support you?" type of reaction or a "You can marry him, and I will help and support you, but I think there are better men our there for you" kind of reaction? Or something in between??
Before he met him it was I will marry you to him without my blessing, meaning I would have got permission but thats the only role he would play.
After he met him it is I am not completely happy with it but I will give my blessing. He also spoke to the person regarding the first way (without his blessing) and they said if it had come to that, the guy would not have married me. :rollseyes
He has no problem with him as a person but has not spoken to me fully what his issue is, but that he thinks it would be a disaster in the long run ...?
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 01:01 PM
oh also to add to that, yes he thinks there are 'better men out there for me'
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-11-2009, 01:05 PM
:sl:
Istikhara has been made many many times
if the result was positive, go for it :)
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 01:13 PM
Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed
:sl:

if the result was positive, go for it :)
my problem is what if it does go wrong and its what my dad feared from before if you see what I mean
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noorseeker
06-11-2009, 03:14 PM
Hes just being a man, as in no one good enough for their daughters
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by nightstar
Hes just being a man, as in no one good enough for their daughters
He wasnt like this when my other two sisters got married...
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Clover
06-11-2009, 03:22 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:

If your wali gave you his blessing and permission to marry the one you choose but is not 100% comfortable with it?
I guess Wali means father?

I would go through with it, and try to make him more comfortable with it overtime. The fact is, it's your life on the line, not his. Yes, he should be worried, but your the one marrying the guy/girl. If you can live with it, and hey, he might get comfortable with it overtime (I'd think).
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Al-Zaara
06-11-2009, 03:26 PM
You should take your father's doubts and fears seriously.

Of course things might go wrong even with the most obvious perfect match; it cannot be helped sister and don't fear it too much, take day by day inshaAllah.

But your father is concerned and I think you and your future would appreciate to really talk it through with him about the issues regarding this and give it time to think throughly. InshaAllah things go well.

If I was in your place and to answer your first question, 100% doesn't exist.. Doubts of some sort always come up. But after reading your posts, I do think they are telling to not rush and rather make the wali open up. And to also ask others close to you for advice.
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 03:26 PM
Originally Posted by Clover
I guess Wali means father?

I would go through with it, and try to make him more comfortable with it overtime. The fact is, it's your life on the line, not his. Yes, he should be worried, but your the one marrying the guy/girl. If you can live with it, and hey, he might get comfortable with it overtime (I'd think).
Yes and that is what i hope and think, but what if it went wrong and he ends up being 'right' from before? It would definitely hurt him because he'd be picking up the pieces...
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Clover
06-11-2009, 03:31 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Yes and that is what i hope and think, but what if it went wrong and he ends up being 'right' from before? It would definitely hurt him because he'd be picking up the pieces...
I didn't know he made any negative statements, well, I think the best thing for you to do, would get a third party to look at the guy/girl. Maybe a Aunt/Uncle, Cousin or something.
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AnonymousPoster
06-11-2009, 03:36 PM
Originally Posted by Clover
I didn't know he made any negative statements, well, I think the best thing for you to do, would get a third party to look at the guy/girl. Maybe a Aunt/Uncle, Cousin or something.
He didnt make negative statements about the person, infact generally speaking they got on too well :rolleyes:
He said he is a very nice person just not the right person. I dont know what that means

Sis Zaara, JazakAllah Khair, I will speak more with my wali and Allah knows best
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Clover
06-11-2009, 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
He didnt make negative statements about the person, infact generally speaking they got on too well :rolleyes:
He said he is a very nice person just not the right person. I dont know what that means

Sis Zaara, JazakAllah Khair, I will speak more with my wali and Allah knows best
I have no clue what that means (the arabic, or whatever language that is lol) but good luck.

Well, I would say, saying he isn't the right person to be negative on the guy's part, but I can see why it wouldn't be negative too. I hope you've thought long and hard about marriage, it is a big commitment. I wish you luck. May your marriage go well, may you explore the world, be honest, and respectful, and die old and happy.
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BlissfullyJaded
06-11-2009, 07:56 PM
:sl:

His concerns might be valid but they also might not be. The problem is that parents sometime work on feelings, and he may not have an actual reason. I know that there are times when things about people bother my father, but he won't reveal exactly what it is until the person blatantly does something dead wrong. In cases like this it sure doesn't help when they're all secretive though.

If your istikhara was made and it's positive, than maybe it's paranoia sis? Maybe he's just scared for you and something during the meeting was misconstrued. You did say the brother might have been a lil too moderate than he actually is, and maybe that bothered your father.

I don't know how long of an engagement your family typically goes for, but why don't you'll make it a several month engagement, and during that period with your families having much more communication a lot of things will come up that will either make it or break it..

May Allah grant you both nothing but the best and protect you both from harm. Ameen.
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Khalisah
06-11-2009, 08:42 PM
:sl:
I am not sure of this sister's situation, but just wanted to divert a little...but how would a family go about doing background checks on some-one who is of a non-muslim background, therfore asking his/her parents is out of the question. Also if she has chosen him...there may not have been a middle common person, where do you go to get background information? And another huge factor maybe if they are of different races, as family's like same race marriages, because they imply that it is easier to do background checks, becasue some where along the line you find people common who can tell you about the family...etc? How should a family go about it?
Now for the sister is question!
I pray it works out for you inshaAllah! Marriage is hard these days, and even harder to gain parents permission. Alhamdulillah you have that! Do not worry too much about it going wrong, as that can happen with any marraige sister. Use your mind and heart, as often using just one can lead to confusion! And importantly as many others have suggested to pray istikhara!

"And among His Signs is this, He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between you (hearts)...." {30:21}
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