Men desire for more than one woman

[syilla]

:salamext:

i just heard from some of the nicest men...that not all man desire for more than one woman. some of them think one good woman is enough for them.

So i thought of putting up a poll...

Need everyone cooperation.

Jazakallah khayr in advance

[_PakistaN_]

I'm an 18 year old male. I like girls and desire them here and there. I'm not however crazy for girls.

[wth1257]

:salamext:

i just heard from some of the nicest men...that not all man desire for more than one woman. some of them think one good woman is enough for them.

So i thought of putting up a poll...

Need everyone cooperation.

Jazakallah khayr in advance

I really wouldn't want more than one wife.

[islamlover_girl]

I think most of men want only one wife,few men like to have more but not all of them,despite of being allowed in Islam to marry more than one most muslim men marry only one woman ,they marry another one only if his first wife is ill or unfruitful so they prefer marring another to divorce the first.

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[glo]

Syilla, I'm afraid I am not clear what your poll is asking about.

When you say 'one good woman is enough for them', it sounds like you are talking about men looking for one wife vs looking for more than one wife.

When you say '[men] who only look only at the one [they] love' it sounds like you are talking about men who still look at other women and have desires for other women (even if they don't follow them)

So could you clarify if you mean marriage (monogamous or polygamous), or whether you are talking about men having desires for women in general?

[syilla]

Syilla, I'm afraid I am not clear what your poll is asking about.

When you say 'one good woman is enough for them', it sounds like you are talking about men looking for one wife vs looking for more than one wife.

When you say '[men] who only look only at the one [they] love' it sounds like you are talking about men who still look at other women and have desires for other women (even if they don't follow them)

So could you clarify if you mean marriage (monogamous or polygamous), or whether you are talking about men having desires for women in general?

i'm talking about men having desires for women in general.

not on polygynous marriage because sometimes they got married for other reasons..

[glo]

Thank you for clarifying, syilla. :)

I think men (at least heterosexual ones) a 'biologically programmed' to desire women, plain and simple.
Even the most faithful husband will look at other women, appraise them and probably be aware of a certain level of physical attraction.
I am not sure if it would be realistic to expect men to do otherwise ...

What we can expect men to do though, is to avoid temptation, to control their desires, and to not ever act upon any desires for other women.

That's my opinion.

[syilla]

Thank you for clarifying, syilla. :)

I think men (at least heterosexual ones) a 'biologically programmed' to desire women, plain and simple.
Even the most faithful husband will look at other women, appraise them and probably be aware of a certain level of physical attraction.
I am not sure if it would be realistic to expect men to do otherwise ...

What we can expect men to do though, is to avoid temptation, to control their desires, and to not ever act upon any desires for other women.

That's my opinion.

Thank you for your thoughts :), i really appreciate it :statisfie

[north_malaysian]

:salamext:

i just heard from some of the nicest men...that not all man desire for more than one woman. some of them think one good woman is enough for them.

So i thought of putting up a poll...

Need everyone cooperation.

Jazakallah khayr in advance

I can smell something from facebook here.... lol...

[- IqRa -]

Whether men accept it or not, they cannot be satisfied with one woman. They need new everyday as they have more desire than women, which cannot be fulfilled by 1 woman.

[syilla]

I can smell something from facebook here.... lol...

actually the other day i was reading muslim knights blog... :D

and today someone told me something thats surprised me :D

Interesting!

[Snowflake]

I voted #3.

My brother says, he only wants to marry one woman and make her his 'everything' and be 'everything' to her.

Ahhhh! lol

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

:salamext:

I voted #3 too, but it seems that I misunderstood the actual question. I thought the question was, do all men want to be in a polygamous relationship... i.e., have more than one partner. I realise that there are some men out there that don't, whatever the reason may be. But if the question is, do all men desire more than one woman, well that depends on the level of desire we're talking about. I think any married man (and woman) can fall in to temptation. The point is to lower ones gaze, avoid freemixing and dangerous situations, and inshaa'Allaah those kind of scenarios will be avoided.

[- IqRa -]

I'm a woman : they are guys out there who only look only at the one he love

this is a woman's dream - not actual reality

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

this is a woman's dream - not actual reality

That really depends on what that statement means. Islamically, men are supposed to lower the gaze except from their wives and that which their right hand posseses. I'd like to think there are some men out there that are able to carry out this obligation! But, if it means that men consider other women as potential spouses, then that is a different matter entirely.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I can only speak for myself so this is what I say,

I think one wife is enough to live an islamic life and attain help in obeying Allah and preventing yourself from his disobedience...

if i was to take another wife, it would be out of taqwa to please Allah such as to have more children... or even to take care of a wife whos not being taken care of properly or in a hard time etc etc

Assalamu Alaikum

[IbnAbdulHakim]

this is a woman's dream - not actual reality

No!

IT IS REALITY!



Me and many others i know are PROOF of that!



hey if we can lower our gaze all the while we're single, its not hard to have eyes for none but the one you love!!!



Assalamu Alaikum

[nocturne]

It's key to differentiate between one or more woman and desiring one or more women.

Most men would be happy to marry one, but in their younger days probably wanted more than they can handle

[Güven]

one is more than enough for me.

[~Taalibah~]

I think its going to depend on each person individually.

[Sahabiyaat]

Most men would be happy to marry one, but in their younger days probably wanted more than they can handle

not reallly.

i know of a family friend who is old enough to be my grandad and has just married his third wife, who is prob just a teenager.....it has nothing to do with age....you men..will always be men, even if you left foot is dangling over the grave, as the saying goes!

i am suprised that so many sisters voted for men only looking/desiring/marrying (whatever) just one......i thought i was simple and deluded......lol.

men will always desire other women
some may not marry them though, for various reasons...financial, emotional, whatever..

Allah knows best what is in the hearts of men.

All i know is.....unless the man is amazingly god-fearing,..if an oppturnity is presented before him where he can marry a woman, who is desireable and he as the means to do so, he will do it.....and deal with the first wife 'mess' later on.

[- IqRa -]

^ snap!

[Muezzin]

Holy moley. There's a bit of mysandry in this thread. I think it stems from the poll options:

I'm a man : i think one good woman is good enough for me
I'm a man : the more the merrier

These choices are specifically referring to marriage as opposed to desire or lust or whatever else.

I'm a woman : they are guys out there who only look only at the one he love
I'm a woman : i think all guys desire more than one woman

These choices are far less specific. 'I think all guys desire more than one woman' is ambiguous - it could mean 'all guys desire more than one woman as a wife' or it could mean 'all guys find more than one woman attractive, regardless of whether they intend to marry them'.

I could clarify the poll options if the thread starter would tell me her intent.

[Caller الداعي]

salam
i think one of the unfortunate new trends that if seen on the rise in the west is where a man is not true in his marriage but rather flirts with other ladies and its slowly becoming a norm.
the society we live is mostly to blame this is not why islam has allowed polygamy rather in islam a man is required to be sincere in his relationship to his wife, support her take care of her and fulfil the rights she has over him.... this is not what is taking place today if ud agree with me...
however the man is not totally to blame the wife also has a role and is she is not fulfillng the rights of her husband this can also lead to him seeking pleasure else where.
And i think that we should remember like the arabs say the mother makes a nation!
may Allah show us the truth and give us the ability to act upon it.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

i am suprised that so many sisters voted for men only looking/desiring/marrying (whatever) just one......i thought i was simple and deluded......lol.

I believe the option said '...there are guys out there...', meaning not all, or even a substantial percentage... just simply some men. Therefore, unless some of the brothers in this thread are lying (which out of husnu adh-dhann I assume they aren't), that statement is true.

And yeah, it would be nice if the poll was altered to reflect the exact intent of the thread starter.

[nebula]

i honestly voted for "the more the merrier", i wouldn't mind having more then 1 wife thats my truthful opinion, but! saying that i dont mean i wouldnt be happy with just 1 tho, if my future wife didnt want me to have another wife then i wouldn't mind at all to be honest.

May Allah Grant us all pious Wifes! ameen

[syilla]

I believe the option said '...there are guys out there...', meaning not all, or even a substantial percentage... just simply some men. Therefore, unless some of the brothers in this thread are lying (which out of husnu adh-dhann I assume they aren't), that statement is true.

And yeah, it would be nice if the poll was altered to reflect the exact intent of the thread starter.

Probably you can help me out with that... i don't think i can edit the poll.

Jazakallah khayr.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

Probably you can help me out with that... i don't think i can edit the poll.

Jazakallah khayr.

Respond to Muezzin's post. I believe he can help you out.

[Muezzin]

Probably you can help me out with that... i don't think i can edit the poll.

Jazakallah khayr.

What do you want the poll options to be?

[Yanal]

One women who is good is alhumdulilah enough for me:)

[Tony]

desiring more than one is all very well, but when u get one you find out its too many :D

[The Ruler]

The last one.

[Zahida]

:sl: Just wanted to know if any of the brothers have any self retraint and patience.................. I mean i am always being told to have subur (cos of my husbands desires for other women)............... Can it not be that the man has subur instead.............why always the women?:w::bump1:

[Sahabiyaat]

because...that is just how it is.


when i see Allah i will ask him.

and he will give me a really clever anwser.

and i wont be able to anwser back! ...and ill think darn, de javu! :enough!:

[Al-Hanbali]

One....definately one!! :exhausted :p

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

There should have been option for: "Let me get married and then I'll get back to you on that." :D

Chose option 1 though.

[Intisar]

:sl: I feel this thread is filled with too many generalisations (maybe that's just me though...)

[IslamicRevival]

One is enough. I dont see why anyone would have desire for another woman. This way of thinking only leads to self destruction imo.

Yes its human nature we are attracted to the opposite gender but one must control his desires and not fall into the trap of shaytan.

Troubled Soul

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

Whether men accept it or not, they cannot be satisfied with one woman. They need new everyday as they have more desire than women, which cannot be fulfilled by 1 woman.

thats not actually true...my dad and younger bro are those type of "one-woman" kinda men. they simply arent the type to handle/want another one...

[north_malaysian]

when it comes to desire, any heterosexual/bisexual guys would love to have zillions of women...

but when it comes to giving commitment (ie marriage), one woman is enough...as it's hard to maintain the expenses of one woman....and of course it'll be ultra hard to have more than one wives... :D

I'll be strictly monogamous when it comes to marriage.. Inshallah... i dont want to share my wife with others and I dont want to be shared by other women too...

[AntiKarateKid]

Bah! I chose "one is enough" but am having second thoughts. :rollseyes

Maybe just one from each race eh?

[AntiKarateKid]

:sl: Just wanted to know if any of the brothers have any self retraint and patience.................. I mean i am always being told to have subur (cos of my husbands desires for other women)............... Can it not be that the man has subur instead.............why always the women?:w::bump1:

Without getting into too much detail, our bodies are able to handle more than one mate. Females... have more trouble to say the least.

[wth1257]

this is a woman's dream - not actual reality

A man might be tempted, if he loves her will will set it aside though and not gawk or want her.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you know i've heard lecturers n stuff say that polygamy is allowed due to Allahs knowledge that men will never be satisfied by one woman - they'll always desire more.

and i also got VERY annoyed at hearing that, our beloved Rasool sallallahi alaihi wasallaam was indeed veeeery satisfied with Khadija radhiallahu anha, he only married others out of taqwa and obedience to Allaah! and that was my previous point in this thread.


Sisters with bad experiences should think twice and brothers seriously, i mean SERIOUSLY unless you marry a wife you didnt really wanna marry, why on EARTH should one not be enough...

[sister herb]

:sl:

I see this thread sexist. What if I would ask about women desire (do you think it is diffefent than men?)? Islam gives to men right to marry 4 women at the same time but only if they can treat them equally. Who could do that in real? What that is to do with desire?

For me it is right of religion not any kind of desire.

p.s. I have been the second wife; it wasn´t any kind of problem to me but his the first it was

[amazing2009]

Assalamualaikum
One is more than enough

[syilla]

muezin : i don't know...i'm outta of ideas huhu

This thread is not really about polygynous marriage. Is just that i'm a bit curious how many really out there believe that there are guys who focus having desire only for one woman :)

[Muhaba]

I understood option 3 as "desiring only one even if he's attracted to others." so i voted for that one. there are guys who will love only the one he's inlove with and intends to marry and will lower his gaze when he sees other women. his true love is the only one he desires and doesn't want anyone else as a wife. there are even guys who, if they get divorced for some reason, they don't want to marry anyone else. It doesn't mean they have a problem. that's just their nature. I also heard of a bird (i'm not sure which bird) that has only one mate throughout life. if he/she dies then this bird will live the rest of their lives alone.

Personally, I think that Allah gave men the right to marry more than one woman so that women without husbands and widows and divorcees could get a chance to get married. I don't think Allah did it because He cares more about men's desires and not women's. Afterall, we are all His creation and He cares about all of us equally. If men want more than one woman, and women want to be the only one, why should Allah favor a man's desire over a woman's?

If a woman can't have children or is ill or is old, etc, in the non-islamic system, the man will have to divorce this woman in order to marry another. If this woman can't get another husband, she ends up being alone for the rest of her life. But in the Islamic system, the man can keep her as his wife and at the same time marry another woman and then treat them equally. While the woman has to share her husband, she still has a husband and doesn't have to live alone for the rest of her life. Which is better? I think that the Islamic way is better.

Islam is about sacrifice. Women have to sacrifice their wishes. For example, if they see another sister in trouble (for example a widow or divorced woman) they should get her married to their husband, provided that she is sincere and doesn't try to steal the man from the first wife. The husband should also be God-fearing and should treat both wives equally. This would, insha-Allah, create a society where noone is in trouble.

[Ali_008]

:sl:
Its very evident in the Islamic World that men are content with just one woman. Though Allah has permitted the man to have more than one wife at a time but at the same time, how many men do you know or see who have multiple spouses?? Most men marry only one and its one in thousands of men who have to go for a second or a third or a fourth:D. Firstly, its very difficult for every man to find the perfect girl of his taste and if a man finds that girl then he doesn't need to look around. Even married men's gazes start wandering when they aren't happy with their wives. So if a man is a good husband and has a pious and obedient wife then he'll be definitely satisfied with her. Even Rasoolullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said "One of the most precious things of this world is a righteous wife."

And if the husband's good and wife's bad, he can either have sabr with her or try again :statisfie . A man desiring more women than wife can be called a problem when the wife is good but still he isn't satisfied with her. Either those men should find their kind of woman and get married or nothing can be done about them.

If I'll find my ideal girl (inshallah :thumbs_up), I won't desire any other woman.

[north_malaysian]

Bah! I chose "one is enough" but am having second thoughts. :rollseyes

Maybe just one from each race eh?

lol :D

one Arab, one Asian, one European and one African?

[Sahabiyaat]

ha ha

and i guess if i want that, ill have to just marry a mixed race brother, whose family is from all over the globe! 4 in 1 lol.

[Muezzin]

you know i've heard lecturers n stuff say that polygamy is allowed due to Allahs knowledge that men will never be satisfied by one woman - they'll always desire more.

and i also got VERY annoyed at hearing that, our beloved Rasool sallallahi alaihi wasallaam was indeed veeeery satisfied with Khadija radhiallahu anha, he only married others out of taqwa and obedience to Allaah! and that was my previous point in this thread.


Sisters with bad experiences should think twice and brothers seriously, i mean SERIOUSLY unless you marry a wife you didnt really wanna marry, why on EARTH should one not be enough...

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

I wish blokes would remember that the point of polygamy is not to satisfy lust. The Prophet (sallalahu alayhi wasalam) didn't have multiple wives for that reason, so neither should any other Muslim men.

Personally, one wife would be more than enough thank you very much.

:sl: Just wanted to know if any of the brothers have any self retraint and patience.................. I mean i am always being told to have subur (cos of my husbands desires for other women)............... Can it not be that the man has subur instead.............why always the women?:w::bump1:

The husband should not be putting his wife in such a situation in the first place. The husband should observe the Islamic teaching of lowering the gaze etc, especially because he is actually married. How would the husband feel were he to endure the wife's desires for other men? And more to the point the Prophet (SAW) never put any of his wives through this sort of thing.

because...that is just how it is.

No. Anyone who told you that is either wrong or has misunderstood.

[Sahabiyaat]

ah so 2% of men do have self restraint...wow....


you learn something new everyday :rollseyes

[Zahida]

:sl:@ sister Harb................... Sis it is always difficult when your husband choses to marry again for whatever reason................... For the first wif eit destroys everything her self esteem confidence and her belief in herself it destroys her womanhood everything.............................

My husband remarried and it totally destroyed me as a person. At the time it was very hard for me and still is but InshaAllah slowly i have come to terms with it. He is not faithful to me but not just me his other wife is in the same position.......................:w::bump1:

[Muezzin]

ah so 2% of men do have self restraint...wow....


you learn something new everyday :rollseyes

I don't understand the mysandry, given that the majority of males who voted opted for the first poll option.

[nebula]

lol :D

one Arab, one Asian, one European and one African?

haha thats funny lol

:P:thumbs_up

[doorster]

Men desire for more than one woman

• how do we know this?
• how do we know that no woman ever desires more than one man?
• how do we know that it is not a taboo made-up by a misogynist macho-man?
• how do we know that this macho man is not the follower of some man who translated "companions most pure" (who are) "well matched" (to you) into virgin maidens with gigantic bosoms (thus effectively excluding women in janat from getting "companions most pure". is the measure of a woman/maiden's beauty, the size of her mammary glands? did he think that they will be nursing babies in paradise? or that their is some other use for giant bosoms (as yet unknown to me at 49)?

if it is absolutely true that "Men desire for more than one woman" am I an aberration for loving one wife? am I a deviant for not ever propositioning every or any woman I come across?

I do not know even one born Muslim[**] --(exception being a Mullah from a Birmingham Mosque who had a secret 2nd wife which ended in multiple murders and lot of fitnah)-- of my acquaintance who has more than one wife (I did know a man who married a second wife.... 3 years after his first wife passed away he married a widow).

However, I have heard of and know of many a "convert" to a certain hizb (lecturers in "Islam" and self-proclaimed leaders/scholars of Muslims) who moved Eastward and have more than 2 wives

wasalam alalmuslimeen!

[**] Practising Muslim as opposed to a nominal Muslim who may at will discard/abandon an older wife and replace her with a younger model/version under the guise of "practising Sunnah" of multiple wives

[ragdollcat1982]

Men can be monogomous and never stray from their spouse. It is called self control and self discipline. My paternal grandparents have been married for 45 years and my grandfather has never looked at another woman!!

[أبو سليمان عمر]

PERSONAL I think dealing with one is hard enough lol jk one should be enough

[Ansariyah]

My father's gaze has always been fixed at my gorgeous mother's eyes, whom he calls his life.

I don't believe that these men who want 4 women have truly experienced the beauty of Love. Truth is u can only love one. So men like that aren't after love.....or true companionship...but that's up to them..wateva rocks their boat.

[glo]

I think whilst we are expressing our views in this thread, different people still have different perceptions of what is meant by 'desiring other women' and 'looking at other women'.

Some talk about desiring other women as in 'being unfaithful and having more than one sexual partner'; others talk about desiring other women as in 'looking at the beauty of other women and 'fancying' other women (even of remaining faithful to one's wife); other still talk desiring other women as in 'marrying more than one wife'.

Really, it makes that poll confusing, because people are voting on different things.

[syilla]

This thread is not really about polygynous marriage. Is just that i'm a bit curious how many really out there believe that there are guys who focus having desire only for one woman :)

Sometime men married another... not really because of lusts but for other reasons.

May Allah affirmed our marriage or our marriage to-be only for Allah swt Ameen... and May Allah bless our marriage

[ghengis]

to be honest... i would rather marry four divorcees for the pleasure of allah then enjoy my self with an earthly love.
or 4 refugees...
etc...

...thats 4 times as much potential good deeds!!!!! bonus!... bonus score!
...and 4 times steeper learning curve in character improvement and self discipline!!!
bonus' all round i say :)

lol
:D

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

Just thought I'll add in my two cents after reading the posts on this thread.

Firstly, I think that the thread title is misleading, since 'men' is understood generally, it's like a blanket statement. Secondly, desire for more than one woman, in what? In marriage or just in general, like the statement: 'men love women'?

Anyway, with that out of the way, let me move on. Men will always love their desires - they have been beautified for them, and from their desires (shahawaat), the first and main thing is women. This is an undeniable fact, Allaah Himself has revealed an ayah about this, so no denying it. Men will always love women, and there isn't anything wrong or shameful about this, this is from his completion and perfection as a human being and as a man - as Ibn Qayyim (rahimullah) stated in Al Jawab Al Kafi.

Now, when it comes to desiring more than one woman, then it's incorrect to make a blanket statement regarding this, which is why I said above that the thread title misleading. Men are different, some men will desire one and some will desire more, and not all men are like the Messenger (saw) to be satisfied with one woman as he was with Khadija (r.a.) and at the end of the day this is the very reason Allaah has made four permissible, and the only condition he made upon this was al-'Adl, justness/fairness towards them, which if the man fears he will not be able to uphold towards them, then he should limit himself to one. فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً {But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one..}. And as Abu Dawud recorded that Abu Hurayra said that the Messenger (saw) said: "Whoever has two wives and inclines to one of them (too much), will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides dragging."

If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities? Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities. I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?

Now on the other side, I completely agree that it shouldn't be injustice towards the other wives, i.e. taking a younger to replace an older and abandoning her etc. These cases also happen of course and they are wrong and it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. My point is solely theoretical as applying this in the West where marriage to more than one woman is against the law and living here we are not allowed by Islaam to break the law of the land we're in. So it's a moot point and topic.

As for myself, in marriage, then knowing myself, I won't be able to have more than one wife - I think I'll be quite satisfied with one Insha'Allaah and I probably won't be able to deal w/ more than one mother-in-law, much less talking to a second Wali :P Not to mention I'm too afraid that I won't be able to be just with more than one anyway, so I won't Insha'Allaah put myself in a position where I might accidentally oppress someone.

:w:

[ghengis]

:salamext:

i just heard from some of the nicest men...that not all man desire for more than one woman. some of them think one good woman is enough for them.

errr... thats the thing. he was only being nice :)

[ragdollcat1982]

I think whilst we are expressing our views in this thread, different people still have different perceptions of what is meant by 'desiring other women' and 'looking at other women'.

Some talk about desiring other women as in 'being unfaithful and having more than one sexual partner'; others talk about desiring other women as in 'looking at the beauty of other women and 'fancying' other women (even of remaining faithful to one's wife); other still talk desiring other women as in 'marrying more than one wife'.

Really, it makes that poll confusing, because people are voting on different things.

Glo if a man looks at another women with any sort of lust or desire he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

[ragdollcat1982]

:sl:




If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities? Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities. I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?


:

If my husband came to me and said he wanted to add another woman to the home or take a second wife I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I can understand the Islamic prespective in cases of taking war widows or orphans to offer these women and their young children some protection. However to take a second wife to merely satisfy his desires? IMHO that is no different than a man going out and committing adultery. It would make me feel inadeqaute and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot satisfy my husbands needs physical or emotional. For women it can be damaging emotionally.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

ah so 2% of men do have self restraint...wow....


you learn something new everyday :rollseyes

what a chance to knock down all women in one single witty blow you have given me.



but i shall practice "self restraint"
:rollseyes

[- IqRa -]

'Abd al-Rahman - Best Reply on the thread mashaAllah

[Muezzin]

If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities?

If the original wife really hates the idea and would therefore be psychologically harmed by it regardless of equal treatment, then yes, there would be something wrong with it.

Also, I seriously doubt that a man who marries a second wife to satisfy his desires (because from his point of view his original wife is inadequate) would try his best to be just to the ‘least satisfying’ wife, but that’s my jaded opinion.

Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities.

If the original wife agrees, of her own free will, and would not be emotionally damaged, and the husband is in a position to provide equally for all parties, fine.

If not, the husband should control himself.

I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?

The original wife might. It’s a complicated issue.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

If my husband came to me and said he wanted to add another woman to the home or take a second wife I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I can understand the Islamic prespective in cases of taking war widows or orphans to offer these women and their young children some protection. However to take a second wife to merely satisfy his desires? IMHO that is no different than a man going out and committing adultery. It would make me feel inadeqaute and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot satisfy my husbands needs physical or emotional. For women it can be damaging emotionally.

I'm speaking from a strictly religious perspective. Islamicaly, there is a distinction, one is permissible, the other isn't. Of the intents of Islamic Law is the preservation of society and lineage, and society isn't preserved nor is lineage when people adulterate as is widely common today. It's the better option that a man takes a second wife, wherein he will provide for her and take care of her, even if the initial reason he marries her is because he desires her, rather than committing adultery.

Also, women differ, some are ok with it and others are not. I've even heard of someone who's first wife wants to find her husband a second wife. And another point worth mentioning is that a woman can stipulate it in her marriage contract that her husband not take another wife with her; she has the right to do that so by all means if she feels she will not be able to deal w/ a co-wife, she should take advantage of this and state it clearly in the contract.

If the original wife really hates the idea and would therefore be psychologically harmed by it regardless of equal treatment, then yes, there would be something wrong with it.

Well, assuming she isn't of course. That wasn't the point I was getting at, my point was stated assuming other factors are in agreement, such as the first wife agreeing with the idea.

Also, I seriously doubt that a man who marries a second wife to satisfy his desires (because from his point of view his original wife is inadequate) would try his best to be just to the ‘least satisfying’ wife, but that’s my jaded opinion.

How does marrying a second wife out of desire translate to the original wife being inadequate?

If the original wife agrees, of her own free will, and would not be emotionally damaged, and the husband is in a position to provide equally for all parties, fine.

If not, the husband should control himself.

I agree. However, my point was, if a man cannot control himself (extreme situation), and it's going to be adultery or a second wife, then marriage is the correct option.

The original wife might. It’s a complicated issue.

Of course, but again it differs from person to person, from couple to couple.

[Muezzin]

Well, assuming she isn't of course. That wasn't the point I was getting at, my point was stated assuming other factors are in agreement, such as the first wife agreeing with the idea.

Okay.

How does marrying a second wife out of desire translate to the original wife being inadequate?

It's circular reasoning, but why would a man desire another woman besides his original wife unless he feels the original wife is inadequate? If there's nothing wrong with his original wife, why marry another on the basis of desire rather than on the basis of protection etc?

I agree. However, my point was, if a man cannot control himself (extreme situation), and it's going to be adultery or a second wife, then marriage is the correct option.

A marriage based on lust is inherently weaker than one based on love.

Also, there is always the third option of controlling oneself. The extremity of the situation is immaterial in this context. Commiting adultery is not an involuntary process (unless it has been diluted by a copious amount of alcohol). A man with that kind of poor impulse control probably isn't going to be the best husband to even one wife, let alone multiple wives. I mean, how far does this desire go? What if even four wives aren't enough to sate his desire? It's a slippery slope.

Of course, but again it differs from person to person, from couple to couple.

I agree. From my point of view, however, I really can't see most men who marry multiple wives on the basis of desire treating their original wives very well in comparison to 'the newer model'. It flies in the face of basic biology and psychology. So in my opinion it's not impossible, but very unlikely that such a man would treat his wives equally.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

It's circular reasoning, but why would a man desire another woman besides his original wife unless he feels the original wife is inadequate? If there's nothing wrong with his original wife, why marry another on the basis of desire rather than on the basis of protection etc?

You're making a point that cannot be proved - it's arguable either way - precisely because men are different. Many people cheat, not because their first wife is inadequate, but because they get carried away in the heat of their desires.

As for the second question, I brought up desires only because people were demonizing the concept of taking a second wife based on it. It might not be the original reason why the permissibility of 4 wives exists, but it is logical to say that it is one of the reasons.

Also, there is always the third option of controlling oneself. The extremity of the situation is immaterial in this context. Commiting adultery is not an involuntary process (unless it has been diluted by a copious amount of alcohol). A man with that kind of poor impulse control probably isn't going to be the best husband to even one wife, let alone multiple wives. I mean, how far does this desire go? What if even four wives aren't enough to sate his desire? It's a slippery slope.

Well, I do agree with you here, self control is probably the best and simplest option, and something we as Muslims should internalize. It's also true that committing adultery is a conscious decision, but the point is, many people do make that decision. Taking a second wife is a means of preventing the harms that result from adultery on society, i.e. 'You desire her? Then take her as a wife, provide for her, take care of her, take care of her needs and then satisfy your desires, otherwise have self control'. I think when the man gets to paying his monthly bills for his two wives, his desire will come to rest ;).

I agree. From my point of view, however, I really can't see most men who marry multiple wives on the basis of desire treating their original wives very well in comparison to 'the newer model'. It flies in the face of basic biology and psychology.

To carry it further, I can't see most men who marry multiple wives regardless of the basis, treating each wife equally in every respect. There will always be some discrepancy; but as long as he is equal in time, nights, and provisions, then the discrepancy that exists in matters that cannot be controlled such as intimacy and love, is forgiven.

To build on that, we have the verse {And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging.}.

People won't be able to fair to all of them in each and every respect. As Ibn Kathir narrates in his Tafseer: Even when one divides the nights justly between wives, there will still be various degrees concerning love, desire and sexual intimacy, as Ibn `Abbas, `Ubaydah As-Salmani, Mujahid, Al-Hasan Al-Basri and Ad-Dahhak bin Muzahim stated.

Imam Ahmad and the collectors of the Sunan recorded that `A'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allah used to treat his wives equally and proclaim, (O Allah! This is my division in what I own, so do not blame me for what You own and I do not own) referring to his heart. [Sahih]

Agreed, this isn't a justification for intentional disparity in treatment (I provided the hadeeth previously that shows the punishment on the one who is unjust and unfair in his treatment towards his wives), it's meant to illustrate only that absolute equality in everything is beyond the power of a human being.

Lastly, I just want to point out again that I'm speaking from a theoretical perspective, where it is assumed all other conditions are being met, the wife agrees, the man is a pious Muslim etc. I intentionally didn't go into practicality and application in today's reality of this, because as I said in my original post, most of us live in places where we cannot even practice this or even come across people that practice it, so in that context, it's a useless discussion.