Betrayed and deceived. What should I do?

[AnonymousPoster]

Assalam alaikum. I currently am studying in a different country to my wife of 4 years. This year in February, I found out that she had been visiting chat sites and giving out her email addresses to guys she talked to online (about 10 different guys) since AT LEAST Ramadan of 2008. I questioned her about it, and intially she denied it, and followed it up with continous lies about it. At first she claimed she was only having "Islamic discussions", but the more I see what they other men wrote and what she wrote, the worse it gets.

Initially I found out that she told some of them that she was in a troublesome relationship, and with others she outright pretended to be single. When I asked if she sent them her picture, at first she denied it, then claimed they they saw a display picture - and finally told me she she had exchanged her pictures and shared them and also asked to see their pictures. After all this, she told me that the only pictures she sent were with her wearing her hijab, and nothing less. From this point on, I found out that one of the men had proposed to her, whlie actively knowing about me, and was trying to convince her to leave me and run away with him! These were MUSLIM men asking a Muslim woman in hijab! And she kept on talking to them and instead of saying "no", she kept on saying "I don't believe you, prove yourself to me". During this whole tiime she would let them flirt with her and tease each other.

We have argued many times over this after I found out. At first she said she was really sorry and begged for forgiveness - but she claimed that she wanted to stop right from the start, but it got out of control, and that she wanted to tell me about this "harmless talking". But I really don't believe she would have ever told me unless I came across her emails and MSN in February. It was the worst month of my life, and I prayed a lot and asked for guidance. I also found out that she discussed issues involving what she found "romantic" and so on. WIth the men she didn't pretend she was single with, she'd discuss me and our relationship to detailed levels, our arguements and thoughts and our families - where they would reassure her that what she was doing was alright. During the period from September 2008 to January 2009, she would really get angry and shout at me over the phone and internet really easily - I didn't understand why.

I spoke to my mother and father about it in February, as well as my brothers, and they all suggested at the time that I forgive her. And that at least there was nothing physical involved. Since the time, a week after she was caught, she promised to tell me everything. Including the guy who asked her to leave me and marry her, and what happened. I really felt betrayed and cheated at this time...and I shouted at her. She was remorseful and regretful for a few weeks and told me at the time that she'd spend "our lifetime correcting this mistake". However, she denied any form of having an "emotional affair" and to this day denies it. Over the last few months, I have been with her in person during which time we have had very heated arguements over this. My trust in her is very low, and she almost refuses to even acknowledge that or admit she did anything wrong - during some of the arguements, she has even claimed that those other guys were nicer than me or better people. As soon as she moved to where I was studying, she has and does act like a victim if this is even brought up. I thought discussing what went wrong and how we can fix things will prevent anything like this happening again and raise trust levels, but she has never spent a proper minute trying to discuss this with me in person. Just screaming and shouting.

Anyways, for the most part, I have chosen to listen to my own family and try and forgive her. Today, in July, I found checked her old email address again (she does not use this email address anymore), that she discussed very intimate issues such as sex and honeymoon ideas, and what she likes to do or would like to do. They would both discuss it in over and over again - the idea of running away from me to another guy was discussed with more than one guy. She completely denied this, and repeatedly assured me over the last 6 months, that no matter how much she turned to these online "friends" for emotional support, that there was nothing ever physical to it. Right now, there are more emails asking her to marry her though she has not had contact with them since February, some of them are writing to her claiming "I'm a decent Muslim man", they think she is single, or has left me.

Even after everything that's happened, the feeling of being betrayed has been refreshed now. I feel deceived and tricked again. Currently she is visiting her family in her home country. When we do argue, she always blows up with rage nowadays and we both argue. I don't think I can even bring this up now, as I know she will just tell me to "go find better". I really do love her, but I don't know if I can handle this pain or humilation. Her mother-in-law is a very nice person, and I don't know what to do - I am meant to act as her garment and keep sins confined; but I really cannot hold this pain in any longer after these many months. My imaan has fluctuated over the months too, at times I feel like Allah will save me, and I feel content and relaxed. Other times I give up hope..the damage has already been done.

I've tried to be as factual as I could be in this question, and I don't know if I can fully express the amount of mental trauma, pain and self-doubt I've been experiencing throughout this year. I don't think it's appropriate to bring this issue up too publicly with her family. Nor do I want to tell anybody else that she has had intimate discussions with other men, it is only an embarassment to me. I'm writing here now for advise, what should I do? What steps should I take? She has changed her place of study to the same place as mine after February. I do not wish to embarass her family, my family or ourselves by breaking this marriage apart after everyone around us has only seen the affectionate and positive side of our relationship. I wish that this never happened, or that I could just forget it, but how can I trust her in the future, when I keep thinking that everything she is telling me is a lie? Or only a half-truth? How can I feel secure again, if she continues to deceive and trick me? I never imagined she would do anything like this last year.

Lastly, I'd like to apologise for the length of this question. I tried to put as much information in here as possible, and if there's more information you require for you to provide me with good advice, then please ask me.

Assalam alaikum..

Brother in Islam.

[AnonymousPoster]

:salamext:


A few points to understand the situation abit better maybe;


1) When you were away, she chatted to other people. And unknowingly, it turned into personal conversations. It's highly unlikely that one day she just sat down and had the intention of chatting to guys. Things like this go in stages, so you call someone "brother" or "sister" first, and gradually tell them everything about life.

2) When she argues with you, she wants to run away from the issue because she hates the embarrassment. Alot of people try to hide their shame through anger, and don't want to be humiliated so they shout as a distraction.

3) You're mature, alhamdulillah. She doesn't know that many guys are evil, and they only play like innocents until they get a woman. They only enjoy the chase, but hate the responsibility. So they would harm a woman and knowing them - they're probably married and are cheating, while chatting to alot of other women too. So they wouldn't really want to marry someone who they claim they want to marry.

4) It seems that now that you know, she won't want to do this again. Many people when they go through this, only stop because of the pressure they face from others. The only reason people find excitement talking to strangers on the internet is because they feel they can give up on one if they find them boring. But marriage is long term, and that responsibility makes it feel boring.



For some Practical advice, i recommend you to block or even detail the email address, so you can't ever get access to it again [even if you tried]. That makes you stop reading the emails, it stops her from reading them, and its a step to leave the past behind you.

If you have children, take them into account when making any decision, and do the Istikharah prayer, and discuss with family seriously to those who you believe it is necessary to discuss with (without talking about it unnecessarily since that makes the bad feelings even worse.)

If you think you can forgive her, and be patient with her to move on in life. Then you can discuss that with your family, and her when making a decision.

If you choose to stick with it; Take a promise from her that she won't do it again. Something which she has to prove, and try to earn her trust. While showing signs as time progresses - if she is showing positive signs - that you are accepting it.

Try not to bring the topic back up again with her as time progresses, since that will continue to make more problems. If you can leave the problems behind, and move on - that is a good thing and mentally good for the both of you.



Try to remain thinking positive, Allah is your helper. Say alhamdulillah that it was nothing physical, and since she's said alot that it wasn't physical [while admitting the other email stuff] - it seems it wasn't physical, and many people just get the joy from chatting on the net. So this will make it easier to move on insha Allah.

Keep praying to Allah to make things easy for you, and to guide you to what is best. Then when you make a firm decision, stick to it. If you see it come up in the future, do istikharah again and discuss with family, and then make a decision. Allah will help you.

[AnonymousPoster]

Brother to be honest the problem I see is that you've been married for 4 years and are living in seperate countries! People do this, they go back home and marry someone then they remain seperated for years until the other can settle down or get visa or whatever reason.

Think to yourself if you had been together would she have gotten temptated to do such things?
One of the main points of marriage is for the sake of deen too protect yourself from these haraam things, because you two are together and halal for each other and its unlikely you're going to fall into other kinds of related sins.

I think the best for you is to move in together

[Ansariyah]

U have to start living together, 4 years is a long time to be apart. She needs u! Marriage is a protection from all sorts of evil that circulates us. I think she's just looking for attention that she can't get from you. It's not right, I hope that she stops contacting these men n that u can forgive her. May Allah protect ur marriage n grant u happiness ameen.

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[mathematician]

salamu 'alaykum brother,
I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you found out all that stuff about your wife. As others have pointed out, marriage is supposed to be about living together as husband and wife. If someone wants to get married but will not live with each other as husband and wife for a long period of time then it's almost inevitable that some problems will occur.
She definitely needs you, and you need her.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Brother, trust me when I say this, I know exactly how you feel. I wasn't married but in a relationship with a girl who told me that she loved me more than her life and everything else in her life and though she was engaged to some other guy, she told me that she'd break that engagement and marry me. I tried to ward her off but I was never comfortable in hurting her and so I was in that relationship with her but later I came to know that she didn't break up with her fiance in the first place and has just been using all the while and she did a lot of other things as well that left my reputation shreds in front of my friends and family. Ultimately, I was deeply in love with her and went through hell for 6 months and even after all the drama she's still gonna marry that fiance of her and I'm just repenting to Allah because my Imaan hit rock-bottom in all this turmoil. She doesn't even have any regrets for what she did and rather slanders me in front of our mutual friends.

BUT

Brother, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah Allah's help came and completely changed my condition. Allah blessed me miraculously and today I can say that I'm at least better than what I was and I'm really trying to get that connection with Allah and achieving success in it as well.

Brother, I know that you don't want to end this relationship but you better do it if anything you see in the future makes you suspect her. A third person simply cannot be tolerated in a relationship. Its the worst thing that can happen to anyone and I pray to Allah that he protects all sincere humans from such inhumanity. Make this her last chance because just think that if she doesn't stop all this now then how much more you could get hurt in the future and the pain of love literally takes away a man's manhood (in the psychological and emotional sense). Its an absolute calamity brother to see your beloved in someone else's arms or your beloved desiring someone other than you. It will be difficult but you get rewarded for your difficulties immensely.

If I were in your place, I think I would have ended the relationship by now itself because I couldn't take that pain and I just disconnected myself from her and started working on my deen and Allah blessed with this miraculous change of heart to me.

But also remember that its a test from Allah and you'll get rewarded for it if you show patience but it depends on you whether you take it as a test of your patience and just pure and simple INJUSTICE.

Here's the verse of Surah Araf, v42
"No burden do We place on any soul, but that which it can bear."

Carefully observe the changes and pray to Allah that you are protected from any further betrayal because He's the Controller of the hearts and he might just change your wife's heart towards you with utmost loyalty and respect. InshAllah, I'll make dua for you as well. Careful brother, I don't have to say this because you already know it but still, be careful. I hope you have the best married life. May Allah bless you, guard you and help you in this time of trial.

:w:

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam bro ;

I am very sorry to know about the situation. I don't understand one thing---divorce is allowed in Islam though it is not encouraged. Why a woman or man must go through this kind of horrible ralationship ? Why it is so hard to take a decision ?

talk to her & her parents . If she wants to marry another guy , let her do it lawfully. Divorce her & she can do it after her iddat period. Or if u think , u can forgive & trust her again , then give another chance.

Offer Ishthekhara prayer & take the decision.

In future , try not stay away from wife for a long period. Any one can make mistake if spouse is away for long 4 years.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
leave it to istkhara akhee.
is she willing to change? is she putting the effort into regaining your trust? does she seem to care to fix up the damage she has done? do you trust her? what are you doing to improve your marriage. i mean you seem to be havea distant relationship, perhspas that has an effect on your marriage (not to say that is an excuse for betrayal). there is something underneath her anger. it seems unnecessarily dramatic, especially since she is the one in the wrong. ask her what is behind it?

since she keeps on denying certain things that have happened, i would personally just be confrontational about it. just be firm. just ask her straight out what she is hiding, what she is getting at, and what else there is to it that you don't know. tell her that you need to know where your marriage still stands and what you mean to her. maybe give her an ultimatum or something so that she wakes up...yay? nay?

and lastly, don't worry what the people have to say, they are bound to hear "gossipy things" from anywhere else anyway. you shouldn't let yourself come "second best" for the sake of others. people don't understand your situation as you do, therefore there opinions should hold no weight.

[alcurad]

from reading what you wrote i'm guessing you have forgiven her but not?
the most non-constructive thing to do in an argument is to bring it back after it was over with, if it's over it's Over, as in you could've made this much easier for the both of you, and you still can, so don't let this ruin your marriage, she was honest as much as she could've been, and admitted etc etc, so make it clear that you won't accept such behavior ever, then let it go.

also, i don't think you should have have read the stuff again, it just made things worse. now, since you are living with each other, stop bringing it up, act like a husband, and she should act like a wife, work on your relationship, talk to her, let her know what you are going through and that should be that.
of course it'll be hard trusting her again, but it could be done, work on your relationship, and just give it time, and remeber, it's in the past, and bringing it up again and again will do what exactly,,

Inshallah it will work out fine for both of you :), best of luck