Marriage

[noorseeker]

Assalamalikum brothers and sisters

im sorry another mariage thread

im currently unmarried with £14,000 in debt,

I want to get married, as you see im in debt, question is what do i do,
Shall i stop looking for a wife, or shall i wait like 5 years , get out of debt , then start looking.


Im going to be like 33 then, i fear i will fall into fitnah,
Does islam say i have to be debt free to marry someone.

[piXie]

:wasalamex

31/2 min inspiring story about how Allaah relieved this family of their debt.

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[noorseeker]

Jazakallah khayran

[anonymous]

Bismillahir Rahmaan
:salamext:

I don't so why you couldn't.Allah knows the best.

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[Snowflake]

Relax bro! No reason why you can't marry and settle your debt at the same time inshaAllah. Lucky, you're in birmingham. Make an appointment to see an advisor at this place.

http://birminghamsettlement.org.uk/advice_mac.htm

From what I've heard they will give you lots of help in clearing your debts.

[noorseeker]

bump

[aadil77]

bro if that debt is a student loan then I think you only have to pay quite small installments over as long as it takes depending on your income and its interest free I think or inflation adjusted?

[noorseeker]

its not a student debt, it was me trying to live the life

[syilla]

:salamext:

akhee...

do you have a steady income? If you have... you can try to plan out to pay out the debts.

Eventhough you have debts but if you know how to budget your money using the steady incomes you have...you can still save alot at the end of the day.

For example if you make income of 2,000 per month and 30 percent of your money you discipline and save it. so the balance of the amount which is 1,400 is the actual money you can spend.

This is a free spreadsheet for you to budget your money. or you can google budget excel

http://www.vertex42.com/ExcelTemplat...readsheet.html

So how much you want to save for marriage? plan it from now but be realistic.

[Nala]

Jazakom Allahu Khayran. This helped me a lot

[h.shillingford]

Where will you get money for the mahr, wedding and keeping a wife if you are in so much debt?

[zakirs]

Where will you get money for the mahr, wedding and keeping a wife if you are in so much debt?

Just for the record, Prophet (SAW) liked weddings that costed the least.


nightstar: I think you should take the plunge when you feel you are financially secure (i.e you are calculatedly sure that you can repay the debt) and can bear the costs of a family.

[noorseeker]

i will be will way into my thirties then, i dont know how long i can handle this lonliness, and control my desires, This is with 0 debts.

I actually want a sunnah wedding, and the thing worrying me is the mahr

[Najm]

i will be will way into my thirties then, i dont know how long i can handle this lonliness, and control my desires, This is with 0 debts.

I actually want a sunnah wedding, and the thing worrying me is the mahr

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Brother mahr is not a standard amount. It is the amount according to your wealth and liveihood. Its is her right, instructed by Allah's commandment thus you cannot give nothing. Mahr can be gold to the size of a date stone ( not that i suggest this). It just shows that you should give what you can. If they other party want this and that and 50K. Then your search goes on!

Do not be frighten of cultural boundaries, they only restrict and make halal hard to do. Brother ......Sunnah wedding is to keep it simple!!

FiAmaaniAllah

[h.shillingford]

Just for the record, Prophet (SAW) liked weddings that costed the least.

Most women desire a nice wedding. There is nothing wrong with this. Not necessarily very costly, but they enjoy celebrating their marriage with all their family and friends.

And even if he didn't spend a penny on the wedding, what about the mahr, his wife's right and what about keeping her to a good standard?


To OP, when the sahaba could not afford marriage, they abstained until they could. Even if it is very hard, you still have will-power. Keep with your Quran, salah and most of all fasting until you can afford it:

Alqamah said,
While I was going along with `Abd Allah, he said, We were with the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be on him, and he said:

He who is able to marry should marry, for it keeps the eye cast down and keeps a man chaste; and he who cannot, should take to fasting, for it will have a castrating effect upon him

[Ramisa]

:sl:
I would say begin seeking for a women to marry while your in debt. By the time you get married it's probably going to be $10,000(pounds). You need to get married to avoid the fitnah from the Shaitayn and the temptations. Insha'Allah Allah will grant you a great job to cover it and get you an excellent wife. Ameen.

:w:

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Akhi, be firm, be strong. Here is what Allah says:

“And marry those among you who are single and the pious of your slaves and maid-servants. If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His grace. Allah is of ample means, Aware.” [ Sûrah al-Nûr : 32]

“And let those who do not find the means to marry keep chaste until Allah enriches them out of His grace.” [ Sûrah al-Nûr : 33]

“Whoever fears Allah, He will prepare for him a way out and provide for him from whence he least expects it. And whoever places his trust in Allah, Allah is sufficient for him.” [ Sûrah al-Talâq : 2-3]

“And whoever fears Allah, He grants him ease in his affairs.” [ Sûrah al-Talâq : 4]

“There are three who are entitled to Allah's assistance: the one fighting in Allah's cause, the slave seeking to earn his liberty, and a person getting married to preserve his chastity.” [ Sunan al-Tirmidhî ]

May we always keep faith in Allah, and provide us with ease in marriage. Ameen!

FiAmaaniAllah

[noorseeker]

May be i should just leave it, its causing me too much distress

[IslamicRevival]

May be i should just leave it, its causing me too much distress

Forgive me for this question but have you been married before? (Dont answer if uncomfortable with question)

If i was in your situation i would get married, But Only if i could provide and cope. If you think you can cope then go for it. If not take a step back and evaluate yourself before making a decision

May Allah SWT help us all

[syilla]

May be i should just leave it, its causing me too much distress

lol...y you want to be distress.

The truth is living in this new 'modern' life...debts are something that is unavoidable. Buying car...buying house and etc. student loans.
Unless you're super rich....probably you're but you just want us to think you're not :p

If you have already debts...then plan out how to pay it. Is no use to be distress. If you know you can finish paying all the debts for example 3 years...then is nothing to worry about.

I think 14,000 you can pay within 3 years time. For example if you pay the debts 500 per month...and for one year is already 6,000
and two years... become 12,000. and add another four months..then wala... all the debts are gone. But you've to discipline yourself, do not spend your money unnecessarily. Focus on paying debts and save your money for marriage.

Financial planning is all about being discipline, realistics and focus.

Akhee...try the few first months...and don't forget to write it down. Plan, plan plan... lol

[Beardo]

^ Sadly, that is to some extent true. It's hard to avoid debts.

If you are confident that your debt will not increase with a wife and that you can consistently start paying off your death, I think it's best that you start taking your fishing trolley out. It takes a while to find the right match. Though, I wouldn't know. Not married here.

[noorseeker]

JazakAllah for the replies

My house is on the market, so inshallah when i sell it in few months time, i will free up £500

I dont want to pay interest any more,

so it looks like i got to wait a few more years. please make dua for me i dont fall into fitnah,

I know fasting helps desire, but it doesnt take away lonliness, so im afraid the lonliness will make me ill

[Thinker]

There is no reason to be in debt, get a job, get another job and get another until you are working 16 hours a day 7 days a week. And, don’t tell me it can’t be done because I’ve done it.

[Rebel]

There is no reason to be in debt, get a job, get another job and get another until you are working 16 hours a day 7 days a week. And, don’t tell me it can’t be done because I’ve done it.

I agree.

That way you get to kill two birds with one stone: you'll be able to pay off your debts and you won't have time to feel lonely anymore

[noorseeker]

If i had islam in my life earlier on, i wouldnt be in this mess, chasing after the dunya

[Thinker]

If i had islam in my life earlier on, i wouldnt be in this mess, chasing after the dunya

There are lots of people who don’t have Islam in their life and are who don’t share your problems. You would do well to look to yourself for blame, not someone or something else. You can run away but if the fault is you, it goes with you; you can sit in front of a computer screen looking for sympathy and prayers, again if the fault is you and prayers work, they will only change you. Start by recognising where and with whom the fault lies and then set about correcting it.

If I was a Muslim father with a daughter looking for a husband and I asked you why I should give her to you I’d want to hear words like “because I have a good job, a healthy bank balance and a comfortable home. The Muslim down the road that has all those things, has them because he accepted that it was down to him to work hard and get them.

[noorseeker]

Where did i state i was blaming someone else, i was blaming my self you re read what i wrote,

Allah swt gave me wealth, its up to me how i spent it, if i had islam in my life, i would know interest was haram, and wouldnt have done, i was young and stupid,
This thread is not about the past, its not called the sympathy section , im looking for advice from my muslim brothers and sisters, and not from you.

Few people are not in debt, so i dont kknow where you have found those people.There are a lot of people who havent got islam, and are in my position.


If i had to give my daughter away, i would give her to a nice warm hearted man, i wouldnt look at his bank balance.

i been working since 16, i bought my own house at 21, not many guys can say that

[Silver Pearl]

:wasalamex

If you have a stable job then don't worry, get married and just pay the debt off slowly, Allaah will provide for you, you made a mistake and you wish to rectify it but don't make two mistakes. Once bitten, twice shy! If you can pay off say £200-300 a month on the debt and have enough money for food, clothes etc then you're fine!

Also I would say not to sell your house, wallaahu'3llam. Pray Istikhara and May Allaah make it easy upon you, Aameen.

[kwolney01]

Get married as soon as you can brother. It's best to marry soon to escape the Shaytan. Find a sister that will understand and be willing to work with you. We all have flaws brother. :)

[noorseeker]

I think im gona put the search to the end, it was a nice dream while it lasted

Please make dua for me

[Muhaba]

May Allah ease your problems, pay off your debt, and give you a pious wife. Ameen.

[aadil77]

I think im gona put the search to the end, it was a nice dream while it lasted

Please make dua for me

Bruv Get Married, you'll be doing it to avoid a greater evil and with those intentions InshAllah there will be more baraka and Allah will increase you in your sustenance and provisions. Leave it to Allah, have all the right intentions; avoiding major sins, having children to strengthen ummah etc and InshAllah Allah will provide for you

Don't get disheartened brother, just do it :shade:, have a simple wedding, live islam and the blessings should come flowing through. If you have a stable job then theres no reason why you can't slowly pay off the debt, also get the interest frozen on it or even better if you're using a credit card you can get it written off. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/art...card-debt.html

edit: look at this thread, I don't know if this is you, but it has advice http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=226143

[Laila01x]

May Allah ease your problems, pay off your debt, and give you a pious wife. Ameen.

Ameen

[CosmicPathos]

There are lots of people who don’t have Islam in their life and are who don’t share your problems. You would do well to look to yourself for blame, not someone or something else. You can run away but if the fault is you, it goes with you; you can sit in front of a computer screen looking for sympathy and prayers, again if the fault is you and prayers work, they will only change you. Start by recognising where and with whom the fault lies and then set about correcting it.

If I was a Muslim father with a daughter looking for a husband and I asked you why I should give her to you I’d want to hear words like “because I have a good job, a healthy bank balance and a comfortable home. The Muslim down the road that has all those things, has them because he accepted that it was down to him to work hard and get them.

really? Well, I have a porsche in my garage. Would you give your Muslim daughter to me? Seems you think too much, or too little actually. Maybe that is why your nick is "thinker" cuz you would love to have that quality and do not possess it yet? Maybe that is why you are confused and thus an agnostic as of yet? He said that if he knew Islam earlier on then he would not be in this position. You criticized him by saying that the fault is in him. But that is your interpretation of it. Maybe he can make himself better ONLY by following principles of Islam and if that is so then he is correct in saying that if he had Islam earlier on then he wont be in this mess.

[جوري]

Most women desire a nice wedding. There is nothing wrong with this. Not necessarily very costly, but they enjoy celebrating their marriage with all their family and friends.

:

:sl:

you are actually quite wrong about that.. I speak as a woman, most women hold these weddings to please their friends and family, not because they themselves desire a big wedding.. 'the big day' goes quite disastrously for many and it is quite stressful.. also the money spent on wedding from most women's perspective is better spent on a honey moon, down payment on a car or a new house than feeding old cronies who basically have nothing nice to say and always find fault with every tiny detail. But then I suppose it depends on the maturity of the bride and whether or not she found the right partner.. I think if you care and love for the person you are marrying, then all that matters is that you are married legally. If he is awful then it is understandable why a big wedding would be preferred I suppose at that stage there will be nothing else to look forward to for the rest of ones life, might as well enjoy the pictures of an extravagant day!

To the OP, I don't see any reason why you can't find someone you'll be happy and compatible with without all the imagined difficulties.. but do take an oath to God to make every effort to get out of debt insha'Allah
from my understanding, there are three intentions that Allah swt fulfills
1- Getting out of debt.
2- Getting married
3- Making pilgrimage..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:

you are actually quite wrong about that.. I speak as a woman, most women hold these weddings to please their friends and family, not because they themselves desire a big wedding.. 'the big day' goes quite disastrously for many and it is quite stressful.. also the money spent on wedding from most women's perspective is better spent on a honey moon, down payment on a car or a new house than feeding old cronies who basically have nothing nice to say and always find fault with every tiny detail. But then I suppose it depends on the maturity of the bride and whether or not she found the right partner.. I think if you care and love for the person you are marrying, then all that matters is that you are married legally. If he is awful then it is understandable why a big wedding would be preferred I suppose at that stage there will be nothing else to look forward to for the rest of ones life, might as well enjoy the pictures of an extravagant day!

To the OP, I don't see any reason why you can't find someone you'll be happy and compatible with without all the imagined difficulties.. but do take an oath to God to make every effort to get out of debt insha'Allah
from my understanding, there are three intentions that Allah swt fulfills
1- Getting out of debt.
2- Getting married
3- Making pilgrimage..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

liked your reply. It boils down to the maturity level of the bride (also the groom) and it is reflected in the way they hold their marriage. A person can be happy by wearing $10 wal-marts shoes, another person wearing an adidas for $200 from footlockers might still whine and complain.

[h.shillingford]

really? Well, I have a porsche in my garage. Would you give your Muslim daughter to me? Seems you think too much, or too little actually. Maybe that is why your nick is "thinker" cuz you would love to have that quality and do not possess it yet? Maybe that is why you are confused and thus an agnostic as of yet? He said that if he knew Islam earlier on then he would not be in this position. You criticized him by saying that the fault is in him. But that is your interpretation of it. Maybe he can make himself better ONLY by following principles of Islam and if that is so then he is correct in saying that if he had Islam earlier on then he wont be in this mess.

He has a valid point. No father wants to see his daughter go without, just because her husband spent the money on himself years ago, regardless of whether or not he is now a changed man. No, it is not enough to just have Deen, a man needs to keep his wife comfortably. It is his duty to provide well for her, not have her inherit his debt. Would you marry a woman who was strong Islamically but didn't cook, clean, keep herself in an acceptable state for you or look after her children properly?

[h.shillingford]

:sl:

you are actually quite wrong about that.. I speak as a woman, most women hold these weddings to please their friends and family, not because they themselves desire a big wedding.. 'the big day' goes quite disastrously for many and it is quite stressful.. also the money spent on wedding from most women's perspective is better spent on a honey moon, down payment on a car or a new house than feeding old cronies who basically have nothing nice to say and always find fault with every tiny detail. But then I suppose it depends on the maturity of the bride and whether or not she found the right partner.. I think if you care and love for the person you are marrying, then all that matters is that you are married legally. If he is awful then it is understandable why a big wedding would be preferred I suppose at that stage there will be nothing else to look forward to for the rest of ones life, might as well enjoy the pictures of an extravagant day!

To the OP, I don't see any reason why you can't find someone you'll be happy and compatible with without all the imagined difficulties.. but do take an oath to God to make every effort to get out of debt insha'Allah
from my understanding, there are three intentions that Allah swt fulfills
1- Getting out of debt.
2- Getting married
3- Making pilgrimage..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

I also speak as a woman and yes, most girls do dream about their wedding day years before they are even old enough to get married. Who can deny this? The wedding day is usually stressful, but most girls will still choose a big wedding. If a woman decides that she does not require a large party, then mashallah, it is best to spend the money on something better.

[جوري]

liked your reply. It boils down to the maturity level of the bride (also the groom) and it is reflected in the way they hold their marriage. A person can be happy by wearing $10 wal-marts shoes, another person wearing an adidas for $200 from footlockers might still whine and complain.

Jazaka Allah khyran..
I find sneakers appalling at $10 or $200 :lol:

He has a valid point. No father wants to see his daughter go without, just because her husband spent the money on himself years ago, regardless of whether or not he is now a changed man. No, it is not enough to just have Deen, a man needs to keep his wife comfortably. It is his duty to provide well for her, not have her inherit his debt. Would you marry a woman who was strong Islamically but didn't cook, clean, keep herself in an acceptable state for you or look after her children properly?

Someone very strong Islamically will not neglect other duties, since Islam is a complete way of life and not simply performance of rituals.. Cleanliness is a part of Islam, being groomed is a part of Islam, caring for the children, if not just a part of Islam but also inherent in the nature of mothers.. the cooking portion can be divided among men and women, the prophet SAW used to clean the house.. there is no manual that states a woman has to cook and clean alone!

I also speak as a woman and yes, most girls do dream about their wedding day years before they are even old enough to get married. Who can deny this? The wedding day is usually stressful, but most girls will still choose a big wedding. If a woman decides that she does not require a large party, then mashallah, it is best to spend the money on something better.

I haven't encountered many girls who dreamt about their wedding day before old enough to get married.. before I was a big girl I was a little girl and I think most of my concerns as well of my friends were going to the park, going to the beach, playing with my cousins, learning how to ride a bike, getting pop up books, new dresses, making sand castles looking forward to Eid.. marriage isn't the forethought on young girls' mind... neither is a big wedding.. I don't personally see a difference between a big or a small wedding save for the frivolity .. it is just a four hour event, there is no good reason why it should cost a fortune.. and I assure you I am a very big spender, but can think of nothing more ludicrous than spending alot of cash on a wedding, to me it is akin to gambling in a casino..

I am not writing this simply to be objectionable.. it is just the matter of All or most girls wanting this or that is flawed.. we are all individuals and not pre-programmed to conform to some inherent idea, a characteristic accepted by all or most..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[h.shillingford]

Jazaka Allah khyran..
I find sneakers appalling at $10 or $200 :lol:



Someone very strong Islamically will not neglect other duties, since Islam is a complete way of life and not simply performance of rituals.. Cleanliness is a part of Islam, being groomed is a part of Islam, caring for the children, if not just a part of Islam but also inherent in the nature of mothers.. the cooking portion can be divided among men and women, the prophet SAW used to clean the house.. there is no manual that states a woman has to cook and clean alone!



I haven't encountered many girls who dreamt about their wedding day before old enough to get married.. before I was a big girl I was a little girl and I think most of my concerns as well of my friends were going to the park, going to the beach, playing with my cousins, learning how to ride a bike, getting pop up books, new dresses, making sand castles looking forward to Eid.. marriage isn't the forethought on young girls' mind... neither is a big wedding.. I don't personally see a difference between a big or a small wedding save for the frivolity .. it is just a four hour event, there is no good reason why it should cost a fortune.. and I assure you I am a very big spender, but can think of nothing more ludicrous than spending alot of cash on a wedding, to me it is akin to gambling in a casino..

I am not writing this simply to be objectionable.. it is just the matter of All or most girls wanting this or that is flawed.. we are all individuals and not pre-programmed to conform to some inherent idea, a characteristic accepted by all or most..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

Yes, all those things are part of Islam, as is providing well for one's family. Which is why I stand by the opinion that the OP needs to deal with his personal debt before bringing a wife (and then probably children) into the picture.

In my experience, most women do want a big wedding. It's probably where the phrase ' dream wedding' came from. Of course, others will have different opinions and they are entitled to them.

I don't think that wanting a small wedding indicates to one's maturity, only to their personal preference. Someone could have very mature reasons for having a big wedding, like keeping good ties with a big, extended family or wanting to feed the community for blessings on their wedding day.