She's lost it

[AnonymousPoster]

I am posting in this section so that I may get some quicker replies. I am posting on behalf of my older sister who is 30 yrs old and still not married. She has suffered depression for a very long time and she isolates herself in her bedroom most days. She prays 5 times a day (well most days) but she she won't talk to anyone in the family, to be honest we have never been close maybe thats why she doesn't talk to us. only reason I know she's depressed is because her friend is also worried about her and she told me that she is worried my sister is having suicidal thoughts.

You see, I heard she is crazily in love with this man who she had a relationship with 2 years ago. Apparently he left her for someone else and he doesn't love my sister, her friend tells me that my sister has decided she will never marry unless it's with this man. She is extremeley lonely i can tell, she looks dead, completely gone. She has had no contact with this man for a while because he is not interested but she cannot let go of him and obsesses over him. Apparently she cries day in day out and even her friends have said they can't take anymore of her depression.

What the hell am I supposed to do to help? There's probably not much I can do. Also, her friend tells me she went to a peer (well known not dodgy) and he told her she is fine. But then what else could be wrong with her? Should she get another opinion? The thing is, she has been deeply depressed for years, she never talks to anyone and is very very moody. I don't think it's just this man making her depressed, I get the feeling there's alot more to it and she suffereing deeply.

She makes dua apparently every single day to Allah saying pls put love in this mans heart for me. She will not accept that is over and believes that Allah swt can change hearts so she keeps trying and is holding on, even though she is 'dead' inside, doesn't eat, doesn't sleep much and walk around as if there is no soul in her. Pls advice.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Betrayal is definitely among the top 3 worst experiences that a person can ever suffer in this world. When you love someone with all your heart and that person just walks over you after having make you feel like the world is at your feet is very painful.

Your sister's depression is justified because of the gravity of the issue and you should help her walk out of it. You'll have to be very very pateint because taking life is very easy and giving life is far difficult.

Talk to her everyday and relate to her Ayyub (Alayhi Salaam) who lost everything but he still did not give up hope and had faith in Allah and Allah returned even more to him because of his patience. Tell her that Allah (Subhaaahu Wa Taala) knows whats best for us and her dua of getting that guy back is not getting answered because he knows how bad he is for her. Tell her that when she is not married to him (no strings attached) and he's giving her so much pain then think about what he could do after marriage. He might even take advantage of her. Sit with her and show her something very entertaining (of course halaal) like animal bloopers, babies laughing etc. Go to her room every morning and hug her. Make her feel that she is special and that guy doesn't deserve her at all.

30 is a big age and she's already too late for marriage. Your sister's commitment to that man is commendable but ask her to show that commitment to Allah and his Rasool :saws:. She's actually wasting her time and losing out in both this world and in the aakhirah. Allah Subhaanahu Wa Taala states in the Quran in Surah AL-INSHIRAH verse 5-6 :

5. So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief;
6. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief

Allah Subhaanahu Wa Taala repeats the same thing twice just to show that his help is always near. (Nasrumminallahi wa fatahun khareeb)

Also let her know that whatever is happening, is happening according to the will of Allah and he knows our strengths and weaknesses. Motivate her towards Allah. Allah Subhaanahu Wa Taala mentions in the Quran in Surah Muminoon verse 62:

"62. On no soul do We place a burden greater than it can bear."

She needs to be shown the bright side of getting married and having a family. We don't know how long we're gonna live and so we have to be ready all the time for death. Her condition isn't something Allah would be liking. Communication is always the key.

If she ever gets married to that guy then she'll be stuck for life and won't be able to do anything but regret. Such a man cannot be trusted. Moreover, in such a sensitive issue. Find a pious brother for her and encourage her to give life another chance with a responsible person this time.

May Allah bless her, ease her pain, relieve her of her burden and grant her a pious and happy family.

May Allah help you in this assignment.

:w:

[- IqRa -]

Ameen to the duas. Good advice mashaAllaah.

[AnonymousPoster]

My other sister has tried talking to her, but she says everything is ok and doesn't know what her friend told us. Her friend made us promse we won't say she interferred and told us what we know. To be honest, my mum doesn't know anything and would hit the roof if she found out my sis went out with someone so we can't really tell my mum and im not even close the other sister but she knows what this one is going through aswell, we feel we can't help her because she won't let us and gets easily irritated and moody.

Her friend has already told her she has to move on, but it seems she doesn't like the sound of the words, 'move on, accept that it's over' she cannot and will not let go of this man. Apparently he is with another girl but not married to her, as in they are boyfriend and girlfrind, and she keeps asking her friend in a crazy way that why is Allah making her suffer and not making the other guy suffer if he did the same sin as her. She told her friend that she in a state of not wanting to live and ovbiusly she can't die either but wants to so badly even though she understands that death might not be any better for her.

Should I get her friend to take her to someone and get a second opinion on whether she has black magic or evil eye or something? I don't know what else to do.

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[- IqRa -]

She needs to start learning about her religion. There are 2 ways to forget about that person - either get married to someone else, or (if her heart is not in that). Then learn as much as she can about her deen and start giving all her attention to the deen. She needs to start loving and hating for the sake of Allah. She needs to start learning about Allah's attributes and Allah's Mercy, and only then will she be able to establish a true connection with her Lord.

Your situation reminded me of a poem I know;

"If you can love then love your Lord, O human
You can never get love from toys made of clay..."

[Cabdullahi]

I know who exactly this is!

Forget ..... move on ..... pray for better ...... patience and discipline....who was he?=(history)

[Muhammad]

:sl:

Also, her friend tells me she went to a peer (well known not dodgy) and he told her she is fine. But then what else could be wrong with her? Should she get another opinion?

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by 'peer' but it is extremely important to know that nobody has the power to cause good or evil other than Allaah (swt). People have various beliefs about peers, some of which may be tantamount to shirk, so it's really important that you correct this matter of belief and explain to your sister (or anyone else it applies to) to place their trust and reliance solely on Allaah (swt). This is in accordance with what Allaah (swt) has taught us,

إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ

Thee (alone) we worship; Thee alone we ask for help. [1: 5]


Secondly, you could try reading the soorahs of protection (which are the last 3 soorahs of the Qur'an) over your sister and encourage her to read them often, as this is among the methods that the Prophet (saw) has taught us to protect ourselves from evil. Also advise her to recite the Qur'an as often as possible, as Allaah (swt) has described it as a 'shifaa' (cure) and there are many other virtues of reciting it.

There are also many other du'aas for depression and anxiety that one can read, so you can encourage your sister to read them often also.

Thirdly, has your sister seen a doctor? It might be worth seeing one and finding out if she needs medical help. Ultimately, all help is from Allaah (swt) so first and foremost ask Him to heal your sister and help and guide her, and then seek all the means that will help her Insha'Allaah.

May Allaah (swt) protect your family and preserve them, Aameen.

Wassalaamu Alaykum.

EDIT - If you do decide to take her to someone to check whether she has had magic done on her etc, make sure it is a trustworthy person upon the authentic teachings of the Qur'an and Sunnah.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Because she is your sister, you must try EVERYTHING you can to save her.

I myself almost feel deep into depression when i was betrayed by the first man i ever had feelings for and hopes of a future with. He chose another girl, and it was deff heartbreaking.
I luckily had my mum there for me, she helped me through it and now im in a better place elhamdullah.

she can pray and make dua as much as she wants, but if her heart is not in it, it isnt likely to help.

Be there for her, HAVE PATIENCE....she may resist your help for a while, even months maybe even a year or two, but eventually she will come around inshalalh.

[AnonymousPoster]

I know who exactly this is!

Forget ..... move on ..... pray for better ...... patience and discipline....who was he?=(history)

What are you saying, that you think you know who my sister is?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
1. you need to advice your sis not to intermingle

2. you need to take into consideration what your mum is saying. she has every right to flip out if she knows her daughter is seeing someone!

3.you need to support your sis as much as you can...she needs to know that she has to move on. does she see this guy everyday? i mean does she work with him, study etc cos him being in her face everyday isn't gonna help her cause, so she needs to be away from him as much as she can. also maybe take her away somewhere, it sounds like she needs some fresh air, like a holiday or something...

4. http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ve-object.html
:)

[cat eyes]

i would get her checked out by an imam.depression can be also caused by black magic been done. it has many side effects.. it can make you go insane that gives the jinn a chance to enter the body when the person has lost all sense of reality. was she always like this type of a person or was she strict in her deen before? the guy whom she was seeing he seems like a bad egg considering he is in a relationship with another girl outside of marriage. you can easily find out yourself if black magic was actually done if she is having scary dreams. dreams tell alot. i would recommend you take her to imam. who knows what happened during that time she was seeing that man.

[GuestFellow]

Asslamu Aliakum.

Your sister needs to see a doctor. Depression can last for many years and I'm afraid it will only get worse. If she is feeling suicidal I would really seek professional help.

[syilla]

Asslamu Aliakum.

Your sister needs to see a doctor. Depression can last for many years and I'm afraid it will only get worse. If she is feeling suicidal I would really seek professional help.

i agree... probably she needs to take some medicine first to control her thoughts and emotions before moving forward.

And depression takes time to heal...probably 1-2 years...InshaAllah.

[AnonymousPoster]

30 is a big age and she's already too late for marriage.

I know your only trying to help but that really isn't a nice thing to say.

[Laila01x]

30 is not too late to get married - so dont let any1 tell you otherwise. She can still get married, and its difficult for people to say move on when you still have feelings attached to a person. As a sister you should try talking to her anytime she needs - she needs to start letting her feelings out inoder to accept the fact that it is over.

Maybe you should take her to seek medical advice - as far as i am concerned it does sound as if she is depressed. It really does hurt when you lose someone .. but the bottom line is she will get over it eventually inshallah.

My duas are with you.. Inshallah everything works out for the best for your sister.

W Salaam

[cat eyes]

no shes not to old to get married infact i know of one sis who got married at 31yrs and she had 2 twin baby girls:) and mother is healthy. she is stil very young and we all seem to think that we must get married in our early twenties but that is silly. khadija the wife of the prophet mohammad PBUH may Allah be pleased with her was 40years old when she married the prophet and also Allah blessed them with children. :) you are never to old for marrriage.

[zakirs]

Dont leave her alone sis.. hangout in her room.. take her out with you .. may be to shopping or something.. try talking to her although she is not interested.. just bug her and keep her busy.And add loads of love too :)

[AnonymousPoster]

no shes not to old to get married infact i know of one sis who got married at 31yrs and she had 2 twin baby girls:) and mother is healthy. she is stil very young and we all seem to think that we must get married in our early twenties but that is silly. khadija the wife of the prophet mohammad PBUH may Allah be pleased with her was 40years old when she married the prophet and also Allah blessed them with children. :) you are never to old for marrriage.

Very well said. :statisfie

[- IqRa -]

no shes not to old to get married infact i know of one sis who got married at 31yrs and she had 2 twin baby girls:) and mother is healthy. she is stil very young and we all seem to think that we must get married in our early twenties but that is silly. khadija the wife of the prophet mohammad PBUH may Allah be pleased with her was 40years old when she married the prophet and also Allah blessed them with children. :) you are never to old for marrriage.

Indeed. Nice advice mashaAllaah.

[AnonymousPoster]

Dont leave her alone sis.. hangout in her room.. take her out with you .. may be to shopping or something.. try talking to her although she is not interested.. just bug her and keep her busy.And add loads of love too :)

:sl:

I'm really worried about her, she's got worse. I don't know if something happened to make her feel worse, but I could hear her crying alot on the phone the other night. I know I shouldn't have but I started listening to the conversation and she was saying, "I can't live anymore, my duas are going unanswered, I am never heard, i think Allah swt is fed up with me and has left me on my own and doesn't want to help me, know matter how much I cry and beg in prayers". It broke my heart, and I feel helpless because I can't even go and hug her and do things a normal sister should be doing.

It might sound weird to everyone but I feel embarrassed to do it because we've never been close.

[Raudha]

^Sis, your mother sounds like a religious person.
How about suggesting to her that you start a small taleem in the home e.g. kitaab reading for about 5-10minutes at meal times?
This will make it easier for you to address issues such as depression and its cures (according to islam), the eitquette of dua and its acceptance etc.
You will also be able to give your sister more hope and address issues that you face as a family as a whole in an indirect manner so that nothing is taken personally.

I hope that I have been able to help you InshaAllah.

May Allah make it easy for you and your sister and grant her tranquility and everlasting happiness in her life. And may He increase the love within your family and grant you all that is best for you. Ameen

[AnonymousPoster]

Isnt her sister right to say that Allah can change hearts and that if they are good for each other's deen they can be together???

[zakirs]

It might sound weird to everyone but I feel embarrassed to do it because we've never been close.

its never too late .. may its the right time now for you two to get closer ? i am saying from experience sis .. i did the same mistake with my brother and he dropped out of university as he couldn't control himself. had i have been more supportive may be it would have been different :(

She urgently needs your help ,... go help her.. talk to her , console her , hug her, play with her. its better than being sad later that you could have done something.

[cat eyes]

its never too late .. may its the right time now for you two to get closer ? i am saying from experience sis .. i did the same mistake with my brother and he dropped out of university as he couldn't control himself. had i have been more supportive may be it would have been different :(

She urgently needs your help ,... go help her.. talk to her , console her , hug her, play with her. its better than being sad later that you could have done something.

yeah i agree with brother zakirs totally sometimes i feel shy to hug my brother:embarrass once he started to cry over a girl.. could not believe it. itwas so awkward:embarrass but i did it anyway because its part of our faith to support your family through hard and rough times. this must be such a hard time for your sister and she needs her brother more then anything in this world

[abdullah_001]

:sl:

Brother, first thing I would do if I was in your situation is gain her trust. She should trust you enough to tel you her problems as a family member, siblings, etc.

If she has a problem that she doesn't tell you, then you need to gain her trust by interacting with her more often and being kind to her. Make her feel she has family members she can depend on and don't leave her alone.

And if the matter is getting really worse, I know you want the best for your sister, but sometimes it is best to let your parents know and they must be kind to her.

What is this life if not trials and tribulations? Tell her to place her trust in Allah(swt) that if she gives up something for the sake of Allah(swt), Allah(swt) will replace it with something better for her.

Seriously though, no matter how awkward it is you should talk to her everyday and be very kind to her.

:sl:

[ژاله]

sis try to be close to your sister, ask her about her problems, try to make her discuss her issues with you, it might help. sometimes we just need to vent and it makes dealing with issues easier,and makes you stronger.

[alcurad]

go with her to a psychiatrist? someone whose neutral and has dealt with such issues before would be a great help.

[Muhaba]

Yes, try your best to be there for your sister, console her, tell her she doesn't need and doesn't want that man, make her see that there are lots of other better guys, make her go out and live her life, meet ppl. And do lots of dua for her. Tell her that Allah answers her prayers, but that man isn't right for her so Allah is saving her from him. He's only a player and would only ruin her life and it's best she got rid of him before marriage. What would have happened if she had married him and then he left her? Men like that can't be trusted. Let her see the bright side and insha-Allah your help + lots of duas and zikr will make things all right.

if that doesn't help, then tell your parents. No need to tell them she was having a relationship, maybe just that she fell inlove with someone or something like that and get her professional help. Don't waste time. If she seems suicidal then get her help ASAP. Is there a helpline you can call or something?