A brother in need of sincere advice

[muslim1234]

Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmuttulah,

I'm not going to beat around the bush so i'm just going to say it. I became best friends with this girl and we started liking one another. We were good friends before and just became really close to one another. We are both 19 and in our third year of college. Marriage for me is not an option right now because I want to be working with a good job before I can think of that. We are of different races and her father ONLY wants her to marry her specific race and nothing else. She went over seas for a month and came back telling me she got offered a hand in marriage with her cousin. He apparently a really good guy, older and working. So this made her think twice about our situation (mine and hers). She told me that we should stop right now before it gets deeper because if her father doesn't approve of her marrying a different race, our marriage won't work out. In my situation my parents want me to only stick to my kind because it will be a culture clash with the two families.

Another thing is that I want to live with my parents. Meaning where I go, my parents should come with me as well. I want to take care of my parents and let them live with me when I buy a house for my wife and parents. However the girl I am talking to now wants to live on her own without my parents. She wants it to just be us two.

I can not do this to my parents, I will not leave them on their own. My mom always asks me if I will take care of her when they get old and my reply has always been yes. I will not change my mind because the girl I want to marry doesn't agree with that. So we ended it.

Is this for the best? How am I suppose to deal with this situation? She said her cousin she visited is loved by all her family including her parents and they want her to marry him. Now if she goes and tells her parents that she wants to marry me, all hell will break loose. Her father although very religious, ONLY wants her daughter to marry the same race. Regardless if we both are sunni muslims..

[Beardo]

:threadapp

I've always wanted to do that. :X

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
if her family and your family don't agree, i have to advise you to move on.
your not in a position to look after a wife...you want to live with your parents, she doesn't...her dad wants to marry her to someone from her culture and same with you...she has already gotten an offer from someone who is working, etc and is considering it...
i really advise you to leave it...

[mathematician]

I agree that you should move on brother. Taking care of your parents in old age is something that's very important, and from what you have posted this lady you are speaking about doesn't seem to be good at letting you do that.
Also, it would seem to me that she doesn't like you as much as you might think. The fact that she is open to the idea of marrying her cousin tells me she is not really in love with you. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings but maybe it's something you didn't realize.
I say move on and make du'a to Allah to grant you a wife that will help you take care of your parents, insha'Allah you will taste the fruits of your du'a. :)
May Allah grant you a wife that will please you. Ameen.

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[Salahudeen]

I think you did the right thing in moving on brother, unfortunately alot of parents are like that now days "has to be same race", "same cast", "same tribe", "same place from back home", "same village", "same status", "can't be divored", "can't have any children".

Inshallah it will change with our generation :)

although it is not nice that she doesn't understand your desire to look after your parents in old age, it's abit cold hearted I think. But perhaps this is one of the cultural differences between you two.

[aadil77]

although it is not nice that she doesn't understand your desire to look after your parents in old age, it's abit cold hearted I think. But perhaps this is one of the cultural differences between you two.

I think there are loads of other reasons she might have for not wanting to live with her in laws, no-one is that coldhearted.