I'm not going to change diapers he said!!

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Theres this guy i'm planning to marry InshaAllah (OR NOT) after what happened. I always had high standards of what i want ina potential hubby. He had them all, everything got the whole package goin on mashaAllah. Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'':rolleyes:

The arrogance of it all makes me filled me with rage. Right at that I told him straight up ''i'm not going to marry you, u obviously wont make a good father''

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'':rolleyes: when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

When we were talking about children he told me that he wants 8 children:muddlehea. I do love children but 8 c'mon. I want just 2/...max 4, but then he says ''they will need two other friends and so on:exhausted WTH.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does. I truly have feelings for this guy, but I cant afford to make a big mistake with my life. Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.

[convert]

sounds like you are blowing things way out of proportion and possibly have a combative personality.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

:salamext:

Sister, you will never find the perfect husband. If this brother has all the characteristics that you like, I seriously suggest you let this one little thing slide. Or it may come back to haunt you later on in your life, in the form of regret. Marriage is about compromise and patience. I hope you make the right decision, but please remember to pray istikhaarah.

P.s., I don't think a dislike of changing diapers equates with bad parenting. Each parent has their role, and it's only natural that most men would be put off at the thought of changing dirty diapers, especially before they've ever had kids.

[Snowflake]

Sis, there is no such thing as the perfect man. You can never find everything you want in one person. That's not being realistic. There are men who willingly change diapers and get up for night feeds but lack elsewhere. Does what he can offer overall outweight his hesitancy to change nappies? If so, that's not a bad deal you got there. There might be things he would want his future wife to do that you may not like doing? So it does work both ways. Don't be too hard on him lol. He must really like you as he did try to justify what he'd said. But really, no one is perfect and no matter who we are with, somewhere along the line we have to make compromises.

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[noorseeker]

Just because of that reason sister, I think you need to look at yourself and not him.
Im not married sister, but im sure you will experience way way bigger problems in married life than dipers.

I dont think people actually plan how many kids their going to have,

[catalzzy]

Oh,,,, thats bad... :S....

[Mysterious Uk]

I'm guessing finding a partner is very hard like, especially with high expectations. We all want the perfect partner who we can grow old with blah blah blah but picking at the smallest things can make you lose out. Think of what you are like (good and bad) and think of what he is like, if both your personalities work well together then yipeee, if not.. then find someone else inshallah. It is highly unlikely that anyone will find a guy who agrees with everything you say, and baby-wise (like the guy said) how can you ask someone if they will change diapers when they have never had a kid? a baby can change everything in a person.. and even if they say i will never change the baby-- alot of guys do because they luv their kid.

A lot of people say one thing and end up doing another, u will just end up disapointed in the end if the person you marry makes all these promises to do things but ends up breaking them. I hope you dont misunderstand what i mean. Hmmm anyways, inshallah you will find a huband who gives you happiness..

[Tanya Khan]

:sl:

Theres this guy i'm planning to marry InshaAllah (OR NOT) after what happened. I always had high standards of what i want ina potential hubby. He had them all, everything got the whole package goin on mashaAllah. Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'':rolleyes:

The arrogance of it all makes me filled me with rage. Right at that I told him straight up ''i'm not going to marry you, u obviously wont make a good father''

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'':rolleyes: when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

When we were talking about children he told me that he wants 8 children:muddlehea. I do love children but 8 c'mon. I want just 2/...max 4, but then he says ''they will need two other friends and so on:exhausted WTH.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does. I truly have feelings for this guy, but I cant afford to make a big mistake with my life. Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.

Are you serious? Something as minor as this actually bothers you this much?
I'd like to know how you behave when something really serious happens.

And I thought I had problems. :rollseyes

[mathematician]

Will you women ever stop making demands? :)
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.

[UmmHasan]

:salamext:

Sister, you will never find the perfect husband. If this brother has all the characteristics that you like, I seriously suggest you let this one little thing slide. Or it may come back to haunt you later on in your life, in the form of regret. Marriage is about compromise and patience. I hope you make the right decision, but please remember to pray istikhaarah.

P.s., I don't think a dislike of changing diapers equates with bad parenting. Each parent has their role, and it's only natural that most men would be put off at the thought of changing dirty diapers, especially before they've ever had kids.

^^Perfectly said! Men usually change after marriage.

[AnonymousPoster]

Will you women ever stop making demands? :)
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: says who?

Something else happened:

He said: ''I work, you work, we both get rewarded for our work roles as spouses''. Poor choice of words? I dont like to think of the house'keeping as work, is that somehting nice to say to a girl u are about to marry''?

I know that I will take care of the home, but why bring the word work to my attention. I got angry and told him that I'm shafi'i and according to my madhab I dont actually have to clean or cook for him but its good if I do it (not obliged). I know thats a not-so-nice thing to say but am I just sub-consciously torturing him?

I know that I will treat him very special when we are married, theres no need to give up on my tough exterior now is there. ^o^

[Muslimlearner]

Tell him to check out his responsibilities according to Islam!

And:if you work:the income is all for you,he is paying the expenses for home and kids.All of them!

[Faye]

In our family, everybody changed diapers. Father, Mother, Aunt, Uncle, Older sibling, Grandmother (We are 7 sibs, and it seemed like there was always a baby around). Actually, I think I never saw my Grandfather change one.

But it is pretty gross, and if they've never done it, the concept of it seriously grosses people out. Even if you've done it, its still gross. When I was a kid I declared that I was never going to marry because then I would be adding to the dirty diaper-making population of this world. I still get teased about it.

So if your husband has never actually changed a diaper, I bet he is pretty ick-ed about it. But, he'll learn to cope with them inshallah. And even if he never changes a diaper, if he's a good husband, he'll probably be worth it. It seems like you are nitpicking about his faults. Do you have any serious reasons for disliking him? Because if you don't, then the possibility that he might, in the future, when he has kids, turn into a horrible father, just because of one chance remark he made, seems pretty remote.

[Snowflake]

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: says who?

Something else happened:

He said: ''I work, you work, we both get rewarded for our work roles as spouses''. Poor choice of words? I dont like to think of the house'keeping as work, is that somehting nice to say to a girl u are about to marry''?

I know that I will take care of the home, but why bring the word work to my attention. I got angry and told him that I'm shafi'i and according to my madhab I dont actually have to clean or cook for him but its good if I do it (not obliged). I know thats a not-so-nice thing to say but am I just sub-consciously torturing him?

I know that I will treat him very special when we are married, theres no need to give up on my tough exterior now is there. ^o^

First, Mathmetician bro, is wrong about men giving thir wives more love. A woman's love is like sea and a man's is like a puddle. Jk, like a river I guess.


Secondly, why do you not like housework being called work. It is work sis. It means he realises that being a housewife isnt all about watching daytime TV.
I think that's a good thing.

I don't think your anger was valid. Over such a small thing? And telling him to cook and clean for him is a favour on your part? You agree it isn't a nice thing to say but you said it and yet when he said what he did, it made you angry? Come on sis, marriage will be hell if there are constant disagreements over small things.

You say you will treat him better after marriage, but what if he decides he can't put up with a wife who flies off the handle at every breath? You have feelings for this man sis, please stop jeopardising the opportunity to marry him. :muddlehea

[Al-Zaara]

Selam aleykum,

You said he had the full package and I do believe you realize people ain't perfect - are you therefor possibly, just subconsciously, searching for faults and reasons why NOT to marry?
You might be scared to get married, it's obviously a big issue and we don't like to think it'll end to divorce or the likes. We don't want to make mistakes.

I don't think it's WRONG of you to react, although might possibly be a bit too harsh. But can one be safe enough? Islamically, how close are we allowed to get to know a person before marriage? It's better to have the marriage done without fitna, but the more time you spend, trying to get to know, the closer fitna is. But then again, thera are people who spend the time together without caring about fitna, for years, and still in the end realize making the big mistake. It really differs and it's about HOW you spend the time together, that's why instead of fishing meanings behind his words, confront him with questions and he will answer. Explain your view and see how it matches yours and were you might clash and how to deal with it.

InshaAllah all goes well!!

[AlbanianMuslim]

HAHAHA! oh my goodness.

Sister, i mean no disrespect, but WAKE UP and smell the roses, there is NO perfect man. Lower your standards a bit. I WISH, WISHHHHH i could find a man like my father, but you know what?NO two people are alike.

SO PLEASE dont screw up your chances with a great man who has the most of the package, just because he wont help you change diapers. SUCK IT UP. My goodness. What do you think marriage is gonna be? All daisies and roses?

If i met the right guy for me and the only problem i could find with him as that he thought i should do the housework and change all the diapers, id TAKE IT IN A HEARTBEAT.

You think its gonna be "the worst mistake of your life" to marry a man who wont change diapers?
My dad never changed a diaper in his entire life, but he provided us with multiple roofs over our heads, yes multiple, we have 3 homes alhamudullah. We have food, we have clothes, we are getting education, all because my father worked hard and Allah swt rewarded him.


Grow up, stop behaving like a spoiled little child, and take him the way he is. You like him up until that moment, and that moment was just that, a little itsy bitsy thing you blew up out of proportion.




Heres what i would do in your situation:
First, i wouldnt react the way you did. Thats disrespect right there what you said to him. IMO, it gives me an impression that your not ready for marriage if at the first sign of something you may not like, you jump and spit things out like that. Control your tongue sis! it could land you in hell!
So as i was saying...first id take a deep breath.

Second, id explain to him that maybe we could compromise and he could help me out with the kids. Not necessarily diapers, but maybe help out during bath time, or dinner etc.

Third, id do this all RESPECTFULLY. If you dont respect your husband to be, HE may change his mind about YOU and find someone else.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Wow, i just read some of the other posts.

How old are you? You dont sound ready for marriage. You sound like you need to read up on the responsibilities of a muslim woman, wife, daughter.
Control your anger and your tongue sis, i say this because i care. I am not trying to insult you or push you around, but my jaw dropped when i read the way you react to your hubby to be and the fact that you say things to "torture" him.
What on earth! My goodness!

[aadil77]

bloody hell not even married and already discussing children?! sounds like you've been spending too much time with each other, was a mahram present?:rollseyes

[جوري]

Will you women ever stop making demands? :)
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.

lol mathematician where did you come up with that? How do you compare someone's level of affection and/or its reciprocity?

[sarajulldin]

i have been married for 5 years and have 2 boys and never have changed a diaper.

But I do provide food, shelter, clothes, water, electricity for them and my wife

[Salahudeen]

hmm sister this matter is indeed trivial it's nice he tried to justify it and it's nice he's sticking around considering you're telling him you don't have to do house duties since it's not obligatory in your madhab.

Alot of guys would've ran away within a nano second after you said that, like superman they would've just flied away. So sounds like you've found a good catch considering he's still around.

[Intisar]

:sl: Honestly, would you be okay with letting a good brother get away because of a comment he made? I mean you're not even married (yet). He said he wasn't a chauvinist. And being a housewife is a very honourable job, in fact the most honourable. That's why mothers are so honoured in Islam, because they bring up the children of this ummah. I mean honestly, you're getting your knickers in a twist because he said changing the diapers is your job. It's a trade off, he pays for the diapers, you change them. He brings the bread home, you break it. Say alhamdulilah, pray istikhara, he seems like a nice catch. Don't waste anymore time if you feel he is good for you, and just carry on with the nikaah inshaAllaah.

[BlissfullyJaded]

:sl:

To add to what the others have said, I don't most men have an infatuation with babies and children that women innately have. He's not gonna sit there dreaming up some unborn kid, and then proceed to think about changing it's diapers. They have their own children, and all that changes. If he has a decent character and Islamically he's on the right track, then inshaAllah he would make a good father.

lol mathematician where did you come up with that? How do you compare someone's level of affection and/or its reciprocity?

Agreed..!

On other note, that was a really careless comment to make, given the fact that there are countless women in abusive marriages, and through all the abuse if the man just says a fake "I love you" the woman's heart will be filled with sincere love for him and cling to a hope that he has changed. I'm not saying there aren't women out there who are psychotic and treat their husbands in ways that are oppressive and un Islamic, but your generalization is way off...

[Al-Zaara]

Narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas: Allah's Apostle said, “I also saw the Hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Why is it so?" The Prophet replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allah. The Prophet said, "They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I never had any good from you.' "

She's not married to him yet. She ain't ungrateul of a husband.

She's got insecurities and people are dashing out on her with insults, it's tougher than one thinks, to someone this would almost be the ideal situation, to others not.
I agree with sister Jawharah over there and to add one more thing, don't be so sure to think it'll get that far as to having children. Not to scare you! Astagfirullah, things happen. You gotta search for the Emaan and knowledge, see that he's decent and willing to compromise and listen to you.

And believe me, chauvinists can hide behind sweet sweet words and one day just surprise you with utter stupidity.

It's better he's saying out things and being honest, he's got a good point with not being able to imagine an unborn child!

And in the end, only Allah subhana we ta'ala knows how things go even with the obvious to the eyes perfect couple!

[ayesha309]

You could always do dua that he changes diapers ;D

[UmmHasan]

^^ lol

[nebula]

lol this seems like a silly reason not to marry a gd brother, big deal he wnt change diapers, im sure when u have a cute baby he'll wanna change them!

[anonymous]

Wow, i just read some of the other posts.

How old are you? You dont sound ready for marriage. You sound like you need to read up on the responsibilities of a muslim woman, wife, daughter.
Control your anger and your tongue sis, i say this because i care. I am not trying to insult you or push you around, but my jaw dropped when i read the way you react to your hubby to be and the fact that you say things to "torture" him.
What on earth! My goodness!

:rolleyes:

HAHAHA! oh my goodness.

Sister, i mean no disrespect, but WAKE UP and smell the roses, there is NO perfect man. Lower your standards a bit. I WISH, WISHHHHH i could find a man like my father, but you know what?NO two people are alike.

SO PLEASE dont screw up your chances with a great man who has the most of the package, just because he wont help you change diapers. SUCK IT UP. My goodness. What do you think marriage is gonna be? All daisies and roses?

If i met the right guy for me and the only problem i could find with him as that he thought i should do the housework and change all the diapers, id TAKE IT IN A HEARTBEAT.

You think its gonna be "the worst mistake of your life" to marry a man who wont change diapers?
My dad never changed a diaper in his entire life, but he provided us with multiple roofs over our heads, yes multiple, we have 3 homes alhamudullah. We have food, we have clothes, we are getting education, all because my father worked hard and Allah swt rewarded him.


Grow up, stop behaving like a spoiled little child, and take him the way he is. You like him up until that moment, and that moment was just that, a little itsy bitsy thing you blew up out of proportion.




Heres what i would do in your situation:
First, i wouldnt react the way you did. Thats disrespect right there what you said to him. IMO, it gives me an impression that your not ready for marriage if at the first sign of something you may not like, you jump and spit things out like that. Control your tongue sis! it could land you in hell!
So as i was saying...first id take a deep breath.

Second, id explain to him that maybe we could compromise and he could help me out with the kids. Not necessarily diapers, but maybe help out during bath time, or dinner etc.

Third, id do this all RESPECTFULLY. If you dont respect your husband to be, HE may change his mind about YOU and find someone else.

ho·li·er-than-thou:rollseyes


if he changes his mind so be it, only whats meant to happen happens anyways. I came here for advice not to get mocked @ and insulted from left and right. You are so heart'less, wouldnt want to be you.

[anonymous]

sounds like you are blowing things way out of proportion and possibly have a combative personality.

I am not combative, but you sure are rude.

[anonymous]

i have been married for 5 years and have 2 boys and never have changed a diaper.

But I do provide food, shelter, clothes, water, electricity for them and my wife

and you are proud of that? shame.

[Muezzin]

and you are proud of that? shame.

Please don't abuse the Anonymous Account to insult people's parenting skills.

Also, general note to all participants, please do not abuse the person using the Anonymous account in the first post. She is seeking help rather than insults.

[anonymous]

Please don't abuse the Anonymous Account to insult people's parenting skills.

Also, general note to all participants, please do not abuse the person using the Anonymous account in the first post. She is seeking help rather than insults.

I didnt insult him, I asked him a question but thanks for aknowledging the rest.

[sarajulldin]

and you are proud of that? shame.

but im not ashamed of putting food on the table, working 40 hours per week, providing shelter for them providing them clothing, ensuring there get a education, whilst providing time to ensure Islam is number 1 in there lives

what is shameful in your eyes is completly different in others, so dont think your mindframe is how the world works

[convert]

I am not combative, but you sure are rude.

you didn't really help your case here

[alcurad]

now now..

good advice all over, it's a minor issue, you're new to this, so is he, so it's expected that you'd be worried, he Does seem like a really good person though, just take it easy, don't give in to too much assumption, and Inshallah it'll work out.

long story short: compromise, love and other stuff I can't remember right now,,=_=
good luck sister :)

[جوري]

now now..

good advice all over, it's a minor issue, you're new to this, so is he, so it's expected that you'd be worried, he Does seem like a really good person though, just take it easy, don't give in to too much assumption, and Inshallah it'll work out.

long story short: compromise, love and other stuff I can't remember right now,,=_=
good luck sister :)

^^^Very wise indeed..

besides that (OP) who is to say Allah swt will bless you with children? You are making an assumption based on what? Perfectly fertile people out there have difficulty and spend thousands of dollars going from one doctor to the next to buy a little hope and a chance at a bundle of joy..
It is as if you are having quarrels over an imaginary assumption that your husband to be won't let you play with the yellow bucket during the vacation you both will take at bali in 2015 because he hates the color yellow...

come on pls get real.. consider that there are bigger problems in the world than changing a poopy diaper... I hate changing diapers too, but changed plenty of my nieces and nephews and I was under positvely no obligation to ... When you focus on a human being you won't get lost in demands made or expected of you and I suspect your husband to be will feel the same.. you can't expect someone to have an emotion toward a an imaginary being or situation that hasn't yet come to pass...

with that I think this thread has truly run out of value.. good luck with all of that insha'Allah

:w:

[Sahabiyaat]

i think you should let it go...but ofcourse you are free to do as you please :). You are at liberty to leave him....but judging from your posts,despite your apparent annoyance at his words....i dont think you will be leaving him.your only taking out your annoyance. end of story:)

[S_87]

on the one hand is just diapers come on, but on the other hand it could be a lot more. dont take it too much sister, if you like him then know you will NEVER find the 'perfect' man....

as for the children, 8 lol wait till he has a couple and see if he changes his mind but again, what if it were you who wanted 8 and ur husband denied you the right? if you have 8 then you are blessed if you have 4 then you are still blessed...

[Al-Zaara]

I didn't say she was. I posted so that she could keep it in mind for the future. If she's thinking like this now, then chances are she will turn out to be ungrateful when married.

That's quite a weak assumption, but it's your right.

No harm in a little passing on some knowledge. No need to assume I'm insulting, sister.

I wasn't directing it at you, brother. Seeing as I did put space between the comments, only the first sentence was directed at your post. The rest was for general.

[The Ruler]

Don't marry him. A man incapable of changing diapers is a man incapable of making a woman happy; even though he wants to make "lots of babies with you".

Apparently, that line is romantic.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Meh diapers aren't a big deal. I see people changing diapers and it grosses me out, ewwww. But who is to say he wont change his mind :D We all think one thing before we get married and it's totally different afterward. Don't fret over it too much sister. I'd say you found a gem amongst so many others, if he is willing to do other things that are more important. A person could change diapers but lack in other things you might find to be important and the diaper issue to be minor, when that point comes inshaAllah.

Of course I'd like it if the guy diddd change the diapers...but is it really the biggest issue, amongst others? Allahu Alam. Only you could answer it :D

:sl:

[Intisar]

That's quite a weak assumption, but it's your right.

I agree, I don't see how the two correlate. And I don't think it has to do with ungratefulness either, but rather a lack of understanding. If a husband changes his child's diapers once in a while, to help his wife relax for a bit, then he'll understand how hard it can be to care for a child. That doesn't mean she's being ungrateful at all, perhaps she just wants a husband who will help out with the housework once in a while. I mean didn't Prophet Muhammad salAllaahu 'alayhi wasalaam used help around the house? I don't get how that would make her ungrateful towards her husband, in the future, if she thinks it's important that he pitches in.

[Snowflake]

^yeh.

I know one bro who did all the night feeds changing diapers thing, but when it comes to decor, he won't let his wife hang any curtains in the entire house! It's blinds everywhere, except the lounge-cum-dining room where he will allow nothing. With patio doors, it could get pretty scary sitting there at night. Anyone could be looking in. I'd hate to be in her shoes lol.

However, I think it's for the sis to decide whatever she feels best. I think all the advice there was to give has been given.


Edit: my 'yeh' comment was to sis light of heaven.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
@thread starter

hmm the way im seeing it is you have to make a decision, based on what you want in a husband. what i mean is that judging by your posts there seems to be 2 issues here. one, you're taken back becuase you want him to be a father and be involved with your kids and by him not wanting to change diapers he's not really being involved. right?

and secondly you don't like the fact that he doesn't want to change diapers because he's old fashioned i.e "that's a woman's job?" (even though you never said it, that's how it appears- at least to me)

so, if its the first issue and you want him to be involved as a dad, i really and genuinely advice you to think it out whether you want to marry this guy, because if you sweep issues like this under the carpet now, they will only come up later and cause problems. ask him some questions as to how he thinks his role is in raising his kids and how he should be involved, etc. it could be just that he has issues with changing diapers (as im sure many of us do), but he would be more than happy to put them asleep, kick a ball around with them, take them out and all the rest of it.

if its the second issue...well i dont know what to advise except to talk it out with him. know his mentality a little better and see whether or not is corresponds with what you want in a husband.

and if it isnt those issues, then im gna be soo :embarrass :exhausted

concerning the 8 kids...8 kids, wow...i think men like big families cos they dont know what us women have to go through :( sis, when you're married, from the right of each spouse, is that they can have as many kids as they want. so if he wants 8, its his right. and like wise, if you wanted 8 its your right as well.

Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so.

http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/566/Family%20Planing

so you need to get to the bottom of it and sort something out, cos once your married, well there's no way out =) talk to him and tell him what your concerns are and try to reach a compromise.

and about the house work. house work is work sis. working from 9-5 is work. your whole marriage from from both parties will be, lo and behold, work! :D a successful marriage is founded upon hard work!
give and take. talk to him. tell him your views and let him tell you his so that inshallah the both of you can reach a middle way where you are both happy.

and lastly, do not forget istikhara!

[julie sarri]

I wouldn't expect my husband to change diapers becouse when i see he only get 5 hours sleep a night and still gets up prays isha and fajr on time and goes to work to look after us then changing diapers would be the last thing i would expect him to come home and do.We all have a role to play father works so mother doesn't have to and can stay at home to look after the children the child has 3 rights on the father 1 he picks a good mother for his child meaning she is a practicing muslimah 2 he chooses righteous names for them i.e they have good meaning and 3 he brings the child up knowing about Islam and deen and its the same for the women as well so these are the most important factors not who will change the diapers.But this is just the way i see things

[Detritavore]

A simple "No, I'm not going to change no stinky nappy" would have sufficed, there was no need to make the gender reference, I suppose.

But nonetheless this seems to be a quibble over pennies. Best pick your battle's wisely, is this really worth it, does it really mean that much to you? If yes, then by all means, wage war if you must.

[piXie]

Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'':rolleyes:

lol come on sis. Lets put it the other way round n pretend he asked you your view on 'women bringing in the earnings ?' wouldn't u also think "hey, thats your job :rollseyes"

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'':rolleyes: when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

I think he is worried because he is not even married yet and the baby is not even born yet and already this woman is asking if he will change the diapers. So what will it be like after marriage? ... :zip:

Its all too much for a guy.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does.

Every girl wants to marry a man just like her father. But we forget how many years it took for our mothers to make them like that. :><:

Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.

Give him a chance sis. He sounds like a decent guy.

[Al-Zaara]

I shall amend my original comment, sister.

"If she's thinking like this now, then chances are, without being taught otherwise, she will turn out to be ungrateful when married".

There are chances for everything, but I'm glad you rephrased it, brother. JazakAllah kheyr.

Thus, my original post. It was directly relevent to the sister's situation. Especially this bit:

"If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I never had any good from you.' "

Where the OP mentioned how the propective is the best in the world etc, yet scrutinised and almost feels like not marrying him due to this one little fact. Ignore the mountain and concentrate on the molehill.

It's still about a married couple, though? That's why, using that hadith for example, I personally wouldn't go jumping to conclusions, because one can really not know how things turn out and she ain't married yet.

But the metaphore was really good, that's sadly something common happening.

[GuestFellow]

Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'

Ah o_o

Well it is not like your going to change your child diapers for the rest of your whole life. I don't know many guys who would change a child diapers...so I wouldn't make a big issue of it.

[Al-Zaara]

I wasn't jumping to conclusions.

Weren't you saying that because of her thoughts about the comment could lead her to become an ungrateful wife if she wasn't taught differently? Isn't that a conclusion? Maybe an assumption would have been the better word. :hiding:

Anyway, I think this has been unnecessarily dragged on. -_-

... I think you are reacting a bit too strongly. o_O Let's end this indeed, we're both trying to help her in different ways. InshaAllah she takes head on the advice given by people. :)

[youngsister]

:sl:

Some people need to go easy on the sister. If you raised in a house where the chores are split between husband and wife something as simple as what the brother said can be quite a shock.

Lets make excuses for our fellow muslims.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

^ I can go with that sister.

[celina]

Aslam, what a interesting debate.

As I was married once, I feel i should comment on this post. I don't think men should change diapers unless the wife is ill and cannot do so. There are more important things in marriage that really should keep a marriage together not worrying about who should change the child's diapers/nappies. When I was with my husband I found it disrespectful if he sat on the floor which he sometimes would do whilst I would be seated on the sofa this is just me not everyone is like this. My husband sometimes wouldn't even put a glass of water for himself. Do excuse me this is not really how a marriage should be, but men are men and some things they just won't do that is just in their nature and we women are emotional and sometimes we give in. My point is that there are more things that need worrying about such as being there for one another, supporting each other in a hard time not things like changing diapers/nappies. I apologies sister if I offend you, but some women get married and there husband see them as second class citizen no matter what they have beauty, intelligence and deen. I by my husband was just seen as a domestic tool and that really hurt, if a proposal ever came to me I would look at qualities such as would he treat me the way he would be want to be treated, and that would he consider me as a lifetime companion or just a domestic tool. However this is a little related to my personal experience, husbands should help their wives even in some household chores because women do have a lot of on their plate.

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

SubhaanAllah!! I changed my nephew's diapers today. It was my first. No big deal, you give it ago, and you do it until you get it right. Lets stop being fussy!

If the guy doesnt know how to do it, then teach him. If the sister is not there, then the brother has to take action!!

No big deal, there are much bigger things to worry about life and marriage!

FiAmaaniAllah

[IslamicRevival]

Very weird thing to discuss. Do not think far too ahead as any one of us could be 6 feet under tomorrow. I find it daft to start commenting on such things in the first place

[syilla]

:salamext:

not to worry gal... my hubby change his children diapers too...and i don't even have to ask :).

There are always something different that we think is not right when come from different upbringing... There will always be...

They have different principles and so do we...

Just think it this way ukhtee... it is better he said it now...and probably when married he just help himself...changing his kids diapers...(probably he feels need to spend time with his child)

Rather than... he said it now but when come to actual doing it... he don't feel like it :/.

People usually says differnt thing...especially when they have changed their perspective and become wiser. so theres nothing to worry.. :)

wassallam

[Ali_008]

:sl:
Alright, I have not read all the posts in this thread but I'd like to share my experience which will InshAllah change the sisters' misconception regarding brothers and brothers' fear of changing diapers. :D

Firstly, I'm not a Dad (not yet) but hope to have a soccer team of Muslims someday :coolious:. When my mom was expecting my sister, I was desperately waiting for her and I used to tell my mom that I'd take good care of her and do whatever is required except the diapers and I meant it back then. But when my sister was born and was "pottying" all over the place, I started changing her diapers. I had inhibitions earlier but then I thought, I mean c'mon these guys just live on Milk and thats the only thing that comes out as well :blind:. So it wasn't difficult especially when the kid's cute and you love him/her. Even when she started having all sorts of food, I changed her diapers. So don't think men can't be good Dads its just that we take everything as they come and don't express our plans coz obviously you'd be thinking that we're exaggerating:shade:. :D

And guys, don't worry or get scared from now itself, it will be dead easy InshAllah.

:w:

[celina]

Very weird thing to discuss. Do not think far too ahead as any one of us could be 6 feet under tomorrow. I find it daft to start commenting on such things in the first place

It is not a daft thing to discuss ( however the diaper thing is crazy in the fisrt place) as this is posted anyway, it gives people a reality check, some people are ungrateful for what they have in life.

[IslamicRevival]

It is not a daft thing to discuss ( however the diaper thing is crazy in the fisrt place) as this is posted anyway, it gives people a reality check, some people are ungrateful for what they have in life.

I would not say such a thing if i was in a similar position. I feel its immature to talk about such a thing in the first place!

Im just grateful to Allah SWT for letting me see the light of day the next morning. Whats the point of thinking 5/10 years ahead? How do you know what the future holds? Who's to say you are going to have a child in the first place?

I know i may sound harsh but i feel this thread is a total joke. Sorry

[Ansariyah]

I would not say such a thing if i was in a similar position. I feel its immature to talk about such a thing in the first place!

Im just grateful to Allah SWT for letting me see the light of day the next morning. Whats the point of thinking 5/10 years ahead? How do you know what the future holds? Who's to say you are going to have a child in the first place?

I know i may sound harsh but i feel this thread is a total joke. Sorry

This thread did not ask for ur harshness, it's the advice section, if you can't advice u dont have to post in it, simple.

I don't understand why people end up having these goes at people who come here to seek advice. Everyone is different, their concerns are different. They dont have to be like urs. n just because u dont like it doesn't give u any right to redicule, n be harsh.

"He who is deprived of forbearance and gentleness is, in fact, deprived of all good.''
[Muslim].

[optimist]

sister if i was at this man's place and you are talking to me in this way..i would have told you i dont want to marry you. you are blowing things out of proportions and i am afraid you could be a good wife!

[celina]

I would not say such a thing if i was in a similar position. I feel its immature to talk about such a thing in the first place!

Im just grateful to Allah SWT for letting me see the light of day the next morning. Whats the point of thinking 5/10 years ahead? How do you know what the future holds? Who's to say you are going to have a child in the first place?

I know i may sound harsh but i feel this thread is a total joke. Sorry

A sister has rejected a proposal due to some diaper/nappy thing, Im just trying to tell her that there are more important things to worry and to be grateful in to Allah. sometimes little things have meaning to. Yes we don't know what is going to happen in the future lets be positive, all women (well most I would assume would like to be mothers one day InshallAllah). This thread is not a joke it makes people learn and realise a lot of things.

[Ali_008]

^^ There's no need for any of us to get into an argument regarding this subject. As long as both the husband and wife are Momins then there can't be a problem. Like Rasoolullah (SallAllahu Alayhi Wasallam) said : "A momin husband should not hate his momin wife. If he hates something in her then there will be something in her that will be pleasing to him."

:w:

[celina]

^^ There's no need for any of us to get into an argument regarding this subject. As long as both the husband and wife are Momins then there can't be a problem.

:w:

Lets just pray that every one finds a good husband/wife. Ameen.

[Ali_008]

^^ Summa Ameen

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

I agree..people have different concerns...as it does help to vent it out and seek advice. Better than not discussing it and to sit in total ignorance about a subject. That's not what we should be doing. And yes you do learn a thing or two from different situations, hence that would be how even scholars could address people in general...Allahu Mustaan. Let's not be harsh ok InshaAllah. If people have concerns or issues, let them seek advice. Thats why they come here and why we even have this section.

:sl:

[transition?]

:sl:

Nobody is perfect. Instead of looking for a man with the ability to do certain specific chores. Is he truly proud? Look for the trait of compromise and mercy and thoughtfulness. Sometimes people's hearts might bigger than their mouths. ;D

I've never met a person who actually liked changing diapers. ;D But I've met tons of uncles and cousins, who are thoughtful of their wife's duties and stress, they help out, even when they change diapees lol.

I don't think you're entirely rejecting him because of the diaper thing. I think you see that he might be a proud individual and not as soft hearted.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I don't think you're entirely rejecting him because of the diaper thing. I think you see that he might be a proud individual and not as soft hearted.

im with that...

[The_Prince]

:sl:

Theres this guy i'm planning to marry InshaAllah (OR NOT) after what happened. I always had high standards of what i want ina potential hubby. He had them all, everything got the whole package goin on mashaAllah. Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'':rolleyes:

The arrogance of it all makes me filled me with rage. Right at that I told him straight up ''i'm not going to marry you, u obviously wont make a good father''

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'':rolleyes: when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

When we were talking about children he told me that he wants 8 children:muddlehea. I do love children but 8 c'mon. I want just 2/...max 4, but then he says ''they will need two other friends and so on:exhausted WTH.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does. I truly have feelings for this guy, but I cant afford to make a big mistake with my life. Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.

erm telling a man who has so many good qualities you wont marry him over diapers shows that your the one with issues here, not him.