Should i ask forgiveness from the opposite gender in this situation?

[AnonymousPoster]

I got into a bad situation awhile back with a boy and sinned. I am very ashamed and want him out of my life and memory and have done everything i can to remove him from my life. He got very angry and said i was a bad person by treating someone so badly, which made me feel guilty so i tried to stay patient with him, always saying kind things and Islamic teachings when he got angry and when he would say bad things to me - as i felt responsible for his hurt, and responsible for him becoming a bad person through this. So i thought if i deal with it gently and instill good thoughts and teachings in him, he will calm down and become understanding and then i can cut him out of my life, without woryying that he has turned into a bad person and giving his parents grief by doing bad things because of my doings.

This would work on him, he would listen, calm down, become "good" again, and then he would get angry again and say that he was going to take revenge against me, or that i was dead. I would get really scared, but again stay patient and beg him to not do anything to me, and remember we are Muslims and that he has a whole life ahead of him and he should make dua and i will too for him. He would then calm down again. And this cycle would go on.

His last threatening text to me, out of the blue, was that he had just taken revenge against 3 people and one person was left..and he said in a really sinister way as if he was really happy and excited "do you know who the next person is?...YOU...4th is YOU!". I was so so scared at this point and begged him not to do anything to me and that what good will revenge do, and that i don't want revenge against him even after everything he has done to me, so why does he want revenge. I never heard from him again after this and i got ill, which by the mercy of Allah actually gave me a distraction from all the worrying and stress, and forced me to rest, as i was going out of my mind until then and not resting. It also helped me to forget him.

He then tried to contact me again after a very long time, sending me normal, friendly, even loving texts, as if nothing had ever happened. I had gained perspective by then, and realised everytime i start texting/calling him a vicious cycle would start and he was too immature to get through and my efforts were in vain with him, so i was not going to reply and make contact with him again. I ignored all his texts and calls and he got really desperate, and kept texting me asking why i won't reply or answer the calls, and why am i putting him through this (what?!) and that look how much he loves me. I couldn't believe that he doesn't even acknowledge or remember that he has threatened and scared me so much, and the last contact we had was of his chilling text that revenge was on it's way for me from him. So i carried on ignoring everything from him, and have continued to do so. The last text i got from him 2 days ago said "why don't reply to me, or answer my calls, what's wrong?"...what is wrong with him?! Has he no memory?! This is how he gets to me usually, making me feel like he is so good and vunreable and harmless and that i am making him suffer, and he's turned a new leaf and he just wants one last contact to clear the air and that's it, and then once he hears from me, an anger builds up inside him again. So right now, i am the one with power, he is helpless and trying in vain to contact me and begging me.

Anyway, i'm so sorry for such a long message, i had to tell you guys the background story. So today i am having a dilemma. He is emigrating tomorrow to move into the same country as me. I am hoping this will not mean i see him or stay in contact with him, other than what is out of my hands (mutual family & friends), but it does mean he is travelling and having a complete life change and WILL be near to me and my family and friends. I am a little scared. I am wondering whether i should break my silence and send one last text to say travel safely and please forgive me for any wrong doings and any hurt i may have caused you. I have asked him for forgiveness in past, and he said he had forgiven me without thinking about it, and then forgot all about that. But after all recent events i am wondering whether i should do this one last thing before i truly cut off all contact with him. Because he is having a complete life change, he will be travelling and travelling people's duas are accepted, it is coming up to Ramadhan, and i do feel still responsible of how he feels and the anger he holds, and also feel scared that if i don't do this he might travel across the world with terrible resentment and anger towards me and hurt me here somehow. He might never forget that i didn't even send him one last message before he travelled as a gesture of good will and forgiveness. He might hold a grudge forever. And whether i like it or not, i will see him here sometimes now.

I don't want to contact him because i don't want to start the cycle of contact again and lose my "power". which just leads him to eventually realise he's angry at me and wants revenge, or for him to think i'm back in his life, or for him to remember me fondly by hearing from me. But he will be boarding a plane soon and having a huge life change so he won't really get a chance to start that vicious cycle this time. And i wouldn't contact him again after this.

I am just really confused. I know what i did was wrong in the first place, i have asked for forgiveness and repented and continue to do so, i have tried to make sure he is not going down the wrong path in life because of me, and now i have cut off contact with him as i know should anyway, but i just feel like i should send one text to ask him for forgiveness, before it's too late and before he incorrectly thinks i hate him and thinks i'm a terrible person, and comes here and does try to take revenge against me.

I can't tell anyone about all this as Allah as covered this sin for me and i should accept this cover and InshaAllah Allah will not expose it.

[yasin ibn Ahmad]

If I were you , I wouldn't text him anything.Because anything you write will make him think there is a chance that you two come together.If you really want to keep away from him it doesnt matter that he forgives you or not.

[Thinker]

Although love and hate are opposites, there is something within the complexity of human relationships that brings them together separated by a thin veneer of trust. It is not unusual for people to switch from loving someone to hating them in an instance. There are several idioms in the English language that describe this situation e.g. ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned;’ so the situation you describe is not unusual. Of course people being what they are, the reaction or actions they take when scorned depends upon their character. The question is, what can you do to ensure that the other person’s rage is placated? It may be that an apology from you along the lines of, “forgive me it’s all my fault and I am going to spend the rest of my life in celibate prayer” might placate him but unless you are reasonably sure it would have that effect it’s probably better cutting all ties and just staying clear. Another good idiom is ‘time heals all wounds’. Good luck.

[AnonymousPoster]

That was really interesting Thinker. The instant switch between love and hate by people is fascinating.
If i did say something, i wouldn't say it's all my fault, as it wasn't. His anger towards me is not justified, but i feel he is young and i feel responsible to calm him and not let him lose his way. He sees it as all being my fault as i was the one who made it clear it was a mistake and that we should stay away from eachother now. So because of that he sees me as the bad person, and the one who did everything wrong, when actually we both played an equal part and it was just that in the end i was the one who made the decision to do what's right in the end for both our good, a decision that would have had to be made eventually anyway, even if neither of us wanted it. But i don't mind asking for forgiveness for the part i played in it anyway, and asking for forgiveness/saying sorry that what i did made him feel this way.

Right now i am verging on the decision to leave it..after waiting for ages finally recieving a last nice text before he boards a plane is quite a "romantic" scenario and i don't want him to get that idea. But then i also think that i really don't want him to come with anger, resentment and intention to hurt me all the way. If he comes with those intentions in the plane then his whole move here is going to be defined by the anger towards me. His whole stay here could be defined by that. Time does heal wounds, and i know it will, but something like this can also stay with someone forever. I don't want him to see me for the rest of my life and hod resentment and feel tempted to hurt me in some way, especially if he finds life hard here or has any other problems in life.

I don't know when his flight is, i think it may be in the early hours of tomorrow morning.

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[AnonymousPoster]

If you really want to keep away from him it doesnt matter that he forgives you or not.

It does for several reasons -

- We are both Muslims and human beings. Even if we were to never see eachother again, i would not want him to hold resentment anger towards me, however misguided it is

- We have mutual family/friends. So we will see eachother at some events, and even if we didn't, we will be around the same family/friends as eachother so it is important that there is not anger/resentment between us. It could make for some very bad situations, or things to be told to other people. And i feel love for his family and parents and siblings, who will remain in his home country, and i hate the idea of this problem which they don't even know about. I don't want their son to be here unhappy/angry in a new place, especially for their sake.

- I fear his threats may have some substance, whether he hurts me emotionally, mentally, by telling people etc. or be doing something to ruin my life. I don't deserve it but if he does it, then it will be absolutely devastating for me.

[AnonymousPoster]

I do not in any circumstance want to marry him. He is a volatile person. I have seen his extremely nice, caring, good hearted side, but once you hit his anger or hurt his pride, then he doesn't care about anything and will unleash terrible words upon you. He told me that himself once. He is a very proud person and i hurt his pride that's all it was.

Yes you have hit the nail on the head, this is almost like a domestic abuse situation and i recognised the signs myself. The only difference with this is, i'm not with him emotionally or physically and i am concerned for his own life and him spiralling down onto the wrong path and becoming a man of anger because of me. I care for his parents and do not want him to destroy his future and their hopes for him because of me.
But otherwise it is in some ways like a domestic abuse situation, where i think i will be nice to him, as he is being nice now, and then it just becomes turbulent again because i show signs of happiness without him, or say the wrong thing.

He has been cut out of my life for quite awhile, and will remain so, i just wanted to, and nearly did, message him a kind of "lets forget everything, forgive me for whatever hurt i've caused, and i forgive you too" kind of thing. But he's too unpredictable and volatile. A reasonable normal person would accept that olive brance. But he seems to want to force me to be with him, and doesn't realise that if there was any chance (which there isn't) then i wasn't going to want to be with him when he treats me with threats!

He says he is going to die if he doesn't get me, so i guess i worry about his safety too, but i'm sure that's just dramatics and nothing else.

[AnonymousPoster]

You're right, it's best to keep away. I just keep thinking maybe one last text showing him i do care for him as a human and never meant harm might start his new life off here well, and not in anger and past issues. But it will probably just lead to new grief with him as he doesn't react in normal ways or understand the situation.

I have been making dua for him always, and praying that i have no negative impact upon his life.

I am just waiting now to see if he tries one last contact before he boards the plane. Even if he doesn't, he will when he gets here and unfortunately he will be able to do it more here due to cheaper/free calling and texting and maybe being able to see me aswell in some public circumstances, but inshaAllah it won't be a problem for me and he will settle into life here and get really busy and occupied and excited by his new life to care about me.

[Snowflake]

This must be frightening for you. But fear not inshaAllah. This guy is weak and pathetic but Allah is All-Powerful. You stopped a haram relationship for His sake so inshaAllah He will help you. Have full faith and rely on only Him.

InshaAllah, keep making the following supplication. Pray and make dua after Tahajjud and during sujood. There is no power but Allah's.

Allaahummak-fineehim bimaa shi'ta.

O Allah, suffice (i.e. protect) me against them however You wish.

http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/039.html

OH and totally ignore this guy. Any form of contact will only fuel his anger. Leave it to Allah to deal with him.

wa salam.

[Tony]

Agreed ^^^^ sister if it is going to get dangerous for you then consider the police. This guy sounds sick and you owe him nothing. Just totally blank him and see how it goes.
I am not saying this is what you should do, but heres a thought if you loved Allah enough, and if you felt compelled to do it, then he wont even recognise you if you were fully covered. May Allah guide you, Ameen

[جوري]

I wouldn't 'placate' let alone marry someone this bipolar.. I couldn't even get half way through the post without thinking this is a very emotionally labile person.
such individuals aren't emotionally mature and will resort to blackmail or threatening, temper tantrums or any other juvenile mode to get what they want.

you have a couple of choices here.

1- I don't know what he has on you or against you, but I'd rather come free to the people you fear him blackmailing you to
2- tell him off, and it doesn't matter the style, since he seems angry all the time regardless of what you do to appease him. In fact I'd go so far as say whatever niceness he's shown toward you, isn't his baseline but so he can balance out his bipolarity.

This is a toxic person run don't walk!

[Ali_008]

:sl:
Its tough to say anything in this situation because we only know your side of the story and not his. He might be upset because earlier you were in a relationship with him and made him feel good and special and then you just left as if he is some insignificant creature. Its not pride, its just breach of faith and trust. If we could get his point as well then something could be added.
:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

I didn't leave as if he was just some insignificant creature, i stayed in contact with him for months, using up vast amount of my savings, to make it gentle for him and to not just abandon him and be patient with him, but he uses that as opportunity to be horrible to me over and over again. That is the whole point of my problem.

Every person has the right to finish whatever they don't want in their lives, nobody has to stay in a relationship they don't want to stay in, especially a haraam one. Are you saying if a person finishes a relationship then they deserve the abuse i am getting? And threats?! Especially after how patient and kind i have been to him while suffering the abuse?

[celina]

I was in a marriage where I suffered a lot of emotional abuse, I couldn't take it no more so I had to leave because I feared for my safety. Like you sister I was very kind and caring, the only difference was that I was married to the guy, we all make mistake Im sure I did too but I know I gave it every shot. Hence leaving my husband I got a lot of threats all the usual stuffs but I can't say that I should put up with them. No you shouldn't be guilty and be putting up with this, its good that you are out of this haraam relationship.

[Ali_008]

I didn't leave as if he was just some insignificant creature, i stayed in contact with him for months, using up vast amount of my savings, to make it gentle for him and to not just abandon him and be patient with him, but he uses that as opportunity to be horrible to me over and over again. That is the whole point of my problem.

Every person has the right to finish whatever they don't want in their lives, nobody has to stay in a relationship they don't want to stay in, especially a haraam one. Are you saying if a person finishes a relationship then they deserve the abuse i am getting? And threats?! Especially after how patient and kind i have been to him while suffering the abuse?

may be he doesn't want you to go. I'm not saying that his behavior is in anyway justifiable but may be he wants you more than you think. Sometimes people lose their mind when they lose out on something which they consider very important in their lives. You do have a right to end this relationship but as its not being so easy to end it so it has become a matter of discussion. If you've apologised to him and you think his harshness has been unreasonable then you're no longer liable for anything.

[AnonymousPoster]

Celina - well done for being brave and coming out of a bad situation. It must have taken a lot of strength.

Ali - Not maybe. He definitely wants me very badly and that is no reason for me to stay, or put up with abuse. Any other girl would have cut him off ages ago and never put up with anything, but i have stayed patient and tried to make the best of it for both of us. He's just being completely unreasonable though and actually just ridiculous, he switches from trying to woo me back to threatening me in an instance.

Anyway it is too late now, he will definitely be in the plane now, or at his changeover country. Wherever he is, i made dua last night for him (like i do in every dua) that he reaches here safely and has a good life here and is kept busy and happy and the memories fade for him.

I am very very very nervous about my next meeting with him. It may be next week when our family/friends will visit him at his relatives where he will come stay for awhile, otherwise he is going to live far away from me. And no, i can't not go, i have to because of our family relationships and mutual friends. It might even do some good, see eachother in a different context and different stage in our lives, could be closure..but then again for him it could be a new opening. But i'm just hoping this upheaval and completely new sorroundings and life and living distant from me, will leave not much room for him to do anything.

[alcurad]

I wouldn't 'placate' let alone marry someone this bipolar.. I couldn't even get half way through the post without thinking this is a very emotionally labile person.
such individuals aren't emotionally mature and will resort to blackmail or threatening, temper tantrums or any other juvenile mode to get what they want.

you have a couple of choices here.

1- I don't know what he has on you or against you, but I'd rather come free to the people you fear him blackmailing you to
2- tell him off, and it doesn't matter the style, since he seems angry all the time regardless of what you do to appease him. In fact I'd go so far as say whatever niceness he's shown toward you, isn't his baseline but so he can balance out his bipolarity.

This is a toxic person run don't walk!

this is good advice :hmm:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl: sister.

I can definitely feel for you as I have or am in the same situation as you. The only difference was I met this brother online. When I first met him, he was really kind and I thought mashaAllah he knows his deen and behaves well. Of course stupid me, I got caught in all that and got myself into a relationship that I had been trying to avoid. I even went as far as to talknig with him on the phone...were planning on getting married. He was something like this guy you mention.

The first time around I told him I didn't want to keep up with this haraam anymore and wated to stop because fearing and obeying Allah was more important....I actually stayed away from him for quite a while. But he was good at emotionally blackmailing me in a sort of sneeky sweet way...and of course I got caught up in it again...and then I took it a step too far...we started talking almost everyday on the phone....until my mother finally found out. As I feared breaking Allahs trust anymore or my family's...I decided it was for the best that we stop and told him to not call me anymore. He would tell me that he will always love me and not forget, never marry anyone else..blah blah...the whole nine yards...and I really felt fed up because I just wanted to be a good Muslim and obey Allah(swt). I realized none of it was worth it compared to my deen and my obedience towards Allah(swt).

So a couple days passed and I get a call from him again...a voice mail saying he got a missed call from me...and because I got yelled at by mom so much and i realized she had all the right i thought no more will i do it. When I got that call from him I really fumed....and I left him a message online about not calling me anymore and to leave me alone...and I actually said it in an agry way. I feel bad but everytime I'd say these things nicely he'd throw some of mushy emotional blackmail at me and I wasnt gunna take it anymore.

But here's something that worries me now...a brother recently showed interest in marrying me and I like him as well. He's definitely a good brother. We don't do anything haram alhamdulillah and we agreed we'd do istikharah when I was ready or decided I want to try and let it work...but the problem is...the guy who i ended my haraam relationship with knows this brother...and this brother who showed interest in me thinks of that guy from my recent past to be "good." My fear in this is that, hypothetically, if we get married and he finds out or he finds out about us, he might try and ruin things for me...and i dont want that. The reason I fear him doing this is because one brother before this one was interested also..and he too knew the guy in my recent past. The one I left, somehow hinted to him we had something going and subhanAllah I was devastated. The bro who was interested asked me about it and I told him...but Alhamdulillah he didnt think bad of me. Of course I didnt consider him because I wasn't interested. So I understand your fear sister. I trust Allah(swt) is always there to help us if we put all our trust in Him only. Although at times, I do get scared he might do something and it makes me cry lol :/

I just want to add to you that, you did as much as you could to reconcile with him but also let him know, it's done and over with. You shouldn't have to be going so far as to make him happy and at the same time try and save yourself. You told him once, he's old enough. You did the right thing about ending it and giving your reason, which were legit. Trust in Allah and leave the rest up to Him. You don't have to apologize, you did it once. If he can't comprehend it, then thats his problem, not yours.

Sorry for the long post lol and my life story :/

Hope it helped though..

May Allah keep you safe ukhti. Ameen.

:w:

[Snowflake]

^Ameen sis. May Allah reward you both. Ameen.

InshaAllah don't fear from losers. All you have to do is ask Allah. He the Kind and Merciful wants His servants to ask from Him, because He is especially merciful to the believers and does not like a believer not asking from Him. What more do we need? :cry: Our own Creator telling us to ask from Him. SubhanAllah!!!!!!!!!!

Put your hearts, souls and everything you have into your salah and supplications. Beg, plead, cry and feel ashamed because we are sinners but beg plead and cry some more in hope and full trust when you ask from Him. Meet Him in Tajjahud when He, The Forgiver and Hider of faults, The Responder to prayer, descends to the lowest heaven to ask His servants what they need from Him. Your Lord, The Almighty, The Majestic, is descending to the lowest heaven for you; should you need to ask anything from Him :cry: ? Get up in the dead of the night to meet Him halfway. And if you do get up to worship your Lord in Tahajjud and pray for your needs, because your Lord is so Kind and Compassionate, offer two rakah (or more) soley for the purpose of thanking Him for His mercy and blessings on you. If you truly love, trust and are grateful to Him, you will never fail. Ameen.