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AnonymousPoster
08-11-2009, 03:39 AM
Asalamualaikum,

Recently I got a proposal from an imams son who is a really good brother mashAllah. Now the thing is I am Pakistani. I live in the USA, was born and raised here. But my parents always put very much emphasis on culture. Therefore, they won't allow me to marry an arab. I haven't talked to them specifically about this guy because I am almost sure they will say no from past experience. I love this family very much and would love to be a part of it. I dont know what to do so any advice???

Wa alaikum asalam
Jazak Allah Khair
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- IqRa -
08-11-2009, 11:16 AM
Listen to what your parent's say. They know best.
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aadil77
08-11-2009, 11:44 AM
Try and convince your parents that he is a good person. Culture is all ok except any unislamic parts, if they're emphasising on those things then speak to them about the islamic views etc
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S_87
08-11-2009, 12:18 PM
try and convince your parents, culture should have nothing to do with a good proposal...
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AnonymousPoster
08-11-2009, 02:50 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
Listen to what your parent's say. They know best.
they know best but they're saying no for the wrong reasons..
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- IqRa -
08-11-2009, 03:07 PM
There is a reason why they are saying no and I agree with them.

It is better to marry in your own culture, because there are different traditions, different practices, different languages. Once children are born, they will find it difficult to adjust to a mixed environment. There will be tradition problems, which tradition to follow, which language to speak, which culture to follow, etc.

This is my point of view.
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Banu_Hashim
08-11-2009, 03:28 PM
I think the best think you can do is summon the courage to just ask your parents, even if you think you know what their response will be. You never know, they may surprise you. Then, if you can, get your parents to meet him and if they still say no, then at least they can give you a concrete reason as to why. You'll never know if you don't try.
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NoorInaya
08-11-2009, 03:58 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
There is a reason why they are saying no and I agree with them.

It is better to marry in your own culture, because there are different traditions, different practices, different languages. Once children are born, they will find it difficult to adjust to a mixed environment. There will be tradition problems, which tradition to follow, which language to speak, which culture to follow, etc.

This is my point of view.
There is no basis in Islam that it is "better to marry in your own culture." This is an ethnic slant that people are imposing, and it is not right.

There is NOTHING to guarantee that a marriage will be "more successful" of "easier" if you are from the same background. It's preposterous for people to even think this.

My husband and I are from different backgrounds (he's Pakistani, and I am an American revert), yet our marriage works beautifully. We were both married before (I, before my reversion), to people of similar backgrounds. Our marriages ended, and in the case of his, it ended in disaster.

You could marry the person next door, or your first cousin, and still have differences, because get this: People are different. Ethnic or familial background has little bearing when you put two different people in a room together and tell them to share everything. They will have different views and different ways of doing things. This is the beauty of mankind: we are each unique.

Culture is not what matters here. Iman is. If you know that this brother is very good, and that his family is very good, try to reason with your family. Get them to meet him and his parents.

Parents only think that they know what is best for their children. In reality, only Allah truly knows what is best for us. Parents think that they are protecting their children from difficulties or hardships down the road, but they have no way of telling what the future holds. Only Allah knows this.

My own husband did as his parents asked (by marrying a Pakistani girl from a "good family"), and the end result was nothing like they thought it would be. They had no way of telling that it was not going to work out, despite the fact that she was "from the same culture," etc.

As you have said, you were raised in the States. Even if you did marry a Pakistani, you could have cultural issues with him, if he was raised in a very traditional way back in Pakistan, and expected his wife to do every little thing for him.

Make dua that Allah opens your parents' hearts and make the realize that culture is not what determines success of a marriage.

Wasalaamz,
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Salahudeen
08-11-2009, 05:37 PM
hmm lets look if the messenger of Allah mentioned anything about cultral differences

Imam Tirmidhi narrated the following hadith

“If a man who's character and religion please you, comes to you (with a proposal), you should marry him (to your single women). If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great corruption.”

Does this mean if a man comes and asks for 1 of my daughters, I should give her hand if I am pleased with his character and religion regardless of his race,ethinicity, cultral differences??

why don't you show your father the words of the the prophet whom he believes in.

and then try telling him "Your own prophet who you claim to believe in and follow says there's nothing wrong with the fact that he's not same nationality do you know better than him???
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Salahudeen
08-11-2009, 05:44 PM
We are muslims and our culture is Islam, there is nothing in Islam about "marrying your own kind" "marry only your own age group" "marry only virgins" in fact it is the opposite. Islam encomapasses every single part of our life, everything from speaking, manners, having children, taking care of the family, even to how we take a shower,use the bathroom, or brush our teeth, nothing has been left out so apart from a different langauge or different foodstuffs that we eat there is no other "cultural stuff" even getting married we know how to do this islamically, within the limits of Islam and we dont need to bring a load of cutural stuff to the wedding day. I really cannot undertstand how many born muslims justify this type of behaviour.

when i became a muslim as a westerner i gave up all my cultural ideas,every single one of them, and I embraced and learnt and lived by my Islamic culture, from the way i dress, speak, conduct my buisness, i embraced poligamy and hoped that if i married my husband will marry and take care of my sisters in Islam too, even the way i eat my food has changed, as the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa sunnah advises me to do, so why can born muslims not do the same? why do they insist on bringing their "culture" to a marriage which should be Islamic culture anyway? most of what the ideas of culture that i have seen from born muslims is very peculiar to Islamic values, and originates from jahiliyah times.

For example "cant marry a divorcee" "cant marry an older woman" "cant marry a woman if shes been married before and u havent" "cant marry a woman who has children" "its not good to have female children,males are more of an honour to the family" "i cant marry someone of a different caste/race/financial position" where do they get these ideas from!? they are so worried about what people in general or their families, or their boss etc will think, that they end up missing out on the many blessings that all the above brings, firstly and most importantly in terms of pleasing Allah ta ala and seeking his reward in good deeds, helping societies ills, and being an example for our children the future of this ummah.

Islam does not dictate any of these things, it allows all of the above , there is nothing wrong or strange with any of it, but people have turned these strange ideas almost into "islamic obligations " under the guise of "their culture" Marriage cannot fail to work when each of the spouses is only busy in pleasing Allah ta ala, because even if a man doesnt like his wife he has to treat her well and be sweet to her, even if a man divorces his wife he has to treat her well and fear Allah while they live under the same roof during the iddah, even if a woman dislikes her husband she shouldnt hurt his feelings about what it is she dislikes in him, and if a man dislikes something in his wife he better fear Allah and find another 3 things he does like, and not start trying to break her by "straightening her out" (as per hadith of the bended rib). if all else fails there is divorce perfectly permissible as a solution if u fear falling into serious issues. And even then all done on the best terms how can we fail to suceed when we live by such rules? Our life goals should all be the same to live and die as muslims fearing Allah ta ala nothing more nothing less.

as the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said , Islam began as strange and will endup as something strange give glad tidings (of jannah) to the strangers.

May Allah guide us all to follow the example of the best of mankind Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam,amin.



taken from http://www.ummah.com/forum/archive/i...p/t-93632.html
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Snowflake
08-11-2009, 06:19 PM
I agree, a proposal from a good muslim should not be rejected on the basis of cultural differences. This is very sad and it shows a lack of tolerance, understanding, flexibility, willingness to adjust and compromise.

You could ask the brother to ask his father to speak to either your father or a close friend of your father's with the intention of explaining why they being Arab themselves are in favour of marrying his daughter and it'd be a blessing if they would look past the cultural differences as we are one ummah and that we have been advised by the Prophet (saw) himself not to reject the proposal of a good muslim without a valid reason - cultural differences are not a valid reason.

And the main thing is to make dua. It is the most powerful weapon a believer can possess. InshaAllah.
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S_87
08-11-2009, 08:30 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
There is a reason why they are saying no and I agree with them.

It is better to marry in your own culture, because there are different traditions, different practices, different languages. Once children are born, they will find it difficult to adjust to a mixed environment. There will be tradition problems, which tradition to follow, which language to speak, which culture to follow, etc.

This is my point of view.
Sis, they both live in the same country...the common language and culture will be american/english..if the parents want they can teach the kids arabic/urdu. If the parents dont make a big deal out of the whole my culture/your culture, then the kids iwll be fine and inshaAllah raised upon islam which is what matters :wub:
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AnonymousPoster
08-12-2009, 03:37 AM
Originally Posted by amani
Sis, they both live in the same country...the common language and culture will be american/english..if the parents want they can teach the kids arabic/urdu. If the parents dont make a big deal out of the whole my culture/your culture, then the kids iwll be fine and inshaAllah raised upon islam which is what matters :wub:
haha i'd actually encourage them to learn arabic over urdu honestly. The reason I don't want to marry a Pakistani in the first place is to get rid of all the stupid cultural things we put in front of Islam. So culture is not a big deal. Also, my family already knows their family and they really like them and everything. My father doesn't mind but my mother wears the pants in the relationship. She's always concerned about culture and what people may think/say etc.
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- IqRa -
08-12-2009, 09:04 AM
All my advice is that listen to your parents. They always want the best for you.
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Ansariyah
08-12-2009, 07:54 PM
Wen we die, the only thing we take wit us is our deen, not our cultures, or from which tribe we're from or the race we stem from. It holds no weight in the eyes of Allah, only our good deeds & taqwa matter.

U shud pray istakhara. u never know, u shudnt expect bad reaction from ur parents, who knowz Allah might change their hearts. If this is good for ur dunya & akhirah I pray that Allah does change their hearts for the better ameen.
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alcurad
08-13-2009, 04:25 AM
parents aside, do you really want to marry him?
make up your mind about him, then think of your parents, you are the one marrying in the end.
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Ummu Sufyaan
08-13-2009, 09:08 AM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Asalamualaikum,

Recently I got a proposal from an imams son who is a really good brother mashAllah. Now the thing is I am Pakistani. I live in the USA, was born and raised here. But my parents always put very much emphasis on culture. Therefore, they won't allow me to marry an arab. I haven't talked to them specifically about this guy because I am almost sure they will say no from past experience. I love this family very much and would love to be a part of it. I dont know what to do so any advice???

Wa alaikum asalam
Jazak Allah Khair
make dua, be patient....speak to your mum. try to appeal to her logic and explain to her why you think this bro may be good for you. tell her that the most important one to marry is one who is good for our dunya and aakhirah, regardless of culture...maybe even show her the hadith concerning the one who is good in deen, etc that we should marry. ask her why she thinks the peoples opinion is more important than her own daughters and that people are always going to talk and therefore will find something new to talk about sooner or later. people will never shut up :exhausted

last but not least, be very kind in the way you address her regarding this so that it is in a manner which is respectful and understanding and not rude :)
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AnonyMouse~
08-13-2009, 01:29 PM
...
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