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View Full Version : Whose fault the father or the daughter?



AnonymousPoster
08-11-2009, 10:40 AM
A friend of mine iv known since primary school is in a very bad state. she has not been brought up in a practising house hold, more on the middle path. The ways she talks to me is worrying, she says things like, Allah has given everything to everyone else, and He hates me and is making me suffer. She has been diagnosed with chronic depression and she has suffered most of her life.

She thinks she is suffering because her dad is not on talking terms with her. They haven’t spoken for 8 years. He stopped talking to her because she ran away from home a few times (not with a guy… she felt trapped and depressed because of the way her dad is).

I need to know who’s in the wrong here, maybe both are but whose fault is it and is it the daughter’s responsibility to apologize to her father?

Father’s faults….

He’s always been violent towards my friends mum and the kids, violent for know reason, it was always over something really st*pid like he can’t find his socks or he’s not happy with the way his wife cooked the food. He used to start on the kids if they wanted something formt he shop, if they made too much noise while playing in the garden, he would start beating them.

He used to come home drunk at times, was never practicing, always found an excuse to beat the wife and kids. Loves to humiliate his own family in front of others. I used to be petrified of her dad whenever I went to her house, he used to have that look, that serial killer look, and I was always so relieved to leave the house and go home to my own dad, who Alhumdullilah is world away from my friend’s father. I used to feel sorry for the family when ever I left them behind and went home. I always wondered, would he hit them as soon as I left.

Daughters faults

In school days I remember my friend called social services and said her dad beat her up, but he didn’t at the time, she was just depressed and wanted to leave the house and have her own life away from them. That’s when her dad got worse with her and hated her for doing that. She decided to go home in the end and admitted to social services that she lied. She felt too sorry seeing her mum cry and begging her to come home. So she gave in. After that she tried running away again…. A few times, she wanted to go out and about like a normal teenager but always feeling restricted by her father. She liked boys n stuff at school and I think that made her want to leave home more, she wanted the freedom to do what she wants.

She started seeing someone in her late teens and her dad found out, he kicked her out of the house. Worst thing is, he found out who it was and it turned out to be someone whos family the father knows and that was more disgraceful for him.

She’s been living here and there ever since, now with a cousin sister of hers, but now she’s in her early thirties and her life is still a mess. No one wants to marry her, she has fixed up a lot and is practicing mashallah as best as she can but she’;s not perfect like evrryone else.

She si worried that she will never be happy unless she apologises to her father, but he is too violent and she doesn’t want to go near him, not even on the phone because she is scared he will take it out on her mother and beat her. Her father is crazy, he used to tell her family that he will kill them all one day and that he will leave the family, but not without ruining them first.

She keeps asking if she can stay at mine but my family want allow a stranger to live in our house. I feel so bad for her.

Who is to blame for all this? and do yout hink things can get better for her if she carrys on repenting but doesn’t apologise to her father?
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Salahudeen
08-11-2009, 11:08 AM
I always get confused with situations like this, our religion tells us to obey our parents in everything as long as they don't ask you to do anything haraam however what if your parents are abusive and violent are you still obligated to obey them even though they may harm you physically.

If your friend wants to get married tell her to join a marriage bearue or ask the imam at mosque to keep an eye out for any brothers looking to get married. She could also explain her situation to him and ask for his advice. Everyone has a past I'm sure that wouldn't deter anyone from marrying her as long as she's changed now.

If you don't mind me asking what city are you from?
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AnonymousPoster
08-11-2009, 11:21 AM
Is it possible for things ot get better for the daughter if she has disobeyed her parents and repented to Allah, but not asked her parents for forgivenss?
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- IqRa -
08-12-2009, 09:11 AM
^ Good advice mashaAllaah.
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touba
08-12-2009, 09:42 AM
Assalamou alaikoum wa rahmatou allah taala wa barakatou

She should ask forgivness from her father even if he does not accept it at least she does the right thing because the jannah under parents feet allah said in the koran.

Nothing late she can find inshallah the right halal man to marry her if she really repented inshallah i make duaa for her ,Inshallah and may be someone in this islamic form can interest to marry her inshallah.

your sister in islam,

btissam
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Misz_Muslimah
08-12-2009, 12:26 PM
i agree with you touba
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touba
08-12-2009, 12:43 PM
Originally Posted by Misz_Muslimah
i agree with you touba


Thank you sister
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AnonymousPoster
08-12-2009, 01:07 PM
Shukran for all replies.

I have explained this to my friend last night. She started crying saying she is petrified to go to her dad and ask forgiveness. He is the type who would probably have her killed. He knows where she lives, and I think he would even hate the fact that she is in his face. He has always said to be careful because he can get someone to murder the family. Always threatened the famiyl in that way. He started going masjid a few years back even noe, but it seems he only goes there for politcs and show off and also fight with other. Thats what that masjid is known for... politics and fighting. astaghfirulah.

What if she honest;y can't go ahead and ask her father forgivenss? She said just the thought of going to him makes her stomach turn and she very scared.

Can she just pray to Allah for forgivenss?
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touba
08-12-2009, 01:18 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Shukran for all replies.

I have explained this to my friend last night. She started crying saying she is petrified to go to her dad and ask forgiveness. He is the type who would probably have her killed. He knows where she lives, and I think he would even hate the fact that she is in his face. He has always said to be careful because he can get someone to murder the family. Always threatened the famiyl in that way. He started going masjid a few years back even noe, but it seems he only goes there for politcs and show off and also fight with other. Thats what that masjid is known for... politics and fighting. astaghfirulah.

What if she honest;y can't go ahead and ask her father forgivenss? She said just the thought of going to him makes her stomach turn and she very scared.

Can she just pray to Allah for forgivenss?
What about she can call him on the phone or go with somebody from family or friends or imam who have a power on her father and inshallah it will work we will do duaa for her inshallah

your sister in islam

btissam
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Muslimah4Eva x
08-12-2009, 02:23 PM
i agree with touba
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touba
08-12-2009, 02:24 PM
Originally Posted by Muslimah4Eva x
i agree with touba
Thank you sister
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cat eyes
08-13-2009, 09:45 PM
if her dad treats her like that and her family like animals please tell me what she has to ask forgiveness for? she did the right thing to leave. it wouldn't have been healthy for her to live there because she would not be able to concentrate on her deen with the fighting and the abuse so in this case Allah don't care for this type weather you ask forgiveness from this person or not because her dad was not taking the time to make her practise and give her encouragement, love, kindness...

she was young then and she obviously lied because she was in desperate need of atention. and this is a sign that this woman was in desperate need of love since a very young age.

the reason for her not finding a husband is not some type of punishment for her and you should never think that about anybody. she probably has very little confidence, low self esteem etc.....

all of this effects the way you can come across to people.

I Will pray she will find a good husband inshallaah
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