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qweretyq
08-16-2009, 07:01 AM
My mom wants me to get married not only to a Muslim, but specifically one from our town. Furthermore, she says she does not like this family or that one when looking at many families from our town, which narrows my choices really down. I was then introduced to a girl and she asked me what I thought of her.

Now she comes from a good family and I like her dad and everything. However, I have absolutely NO physical attraction to her. I told my mom No, and of course, with all her restrictions it is hard for me to find another girl.

Have any of you gotten married to a person who you were not attracted to at all? Isn't this an important consideration in marriage?
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Ummu Sufyaan
08-16-2009, 09:40 AM
:sl:
if you don't feel physical attraction to her, DO NOT marry her...i've seen it happen before and the marriage was a disaster...

try to speak to your mum or get someone else to talk to her about what you want in a girl.
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Abdu-l-Majeed
08-16-2009, 09:47 AM
Originally Posted by qweretyq
Have any of you gotten married to a person who you were not attracted to at all? Isn't this an important consideration in marriage?
It is a consideration, how important - Allah knows best.

Well, at least to me, one thing is having no physical attraction, and another thing is being ugly. So, there is to consider if your criteria for your wife are really too high. In the end, you may find a wife which is beautiful, but she doesn't like you, etc.

There are a few more things for you to keep in mind, such as:

- believe it or not, there are no really good Muslims today. It always was more important having a good Muslimah as a wife. By the time she (and you and me too) get old anyway. And it's especially more important today having a good Muslimah and a good mother in our houses, because of the time we live in.

- So, the first condition is a good Muslimah, I don't know if anyone said it's fard or wajib for her to be beautiful. But it is fard for us to obey our parents. A little off-topic: on a lecture, a shaykh said this: Your parent CANNOT tell you NOT to go to a mosque at all. But if you go, the parent CAN tell you which mosque to go, and you obey them in that!

- O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will; and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse; and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good. (Tr. of meaning, An-Nisa, 19)

- and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know. (Tr. of meaning, Al-Baqarah, 216)
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cat eyes
08-16-2009, 04:57 PM
as far as i know your mother can't tell you who to marry and who not to marry.. she can only suggest to you and ask you would you be interested in this type of girl or that type of girl and if you tell her no i want to get married with a girl outside of the town or even outside of the COUNTRY.. she can't force you not too.

thats your right to chose girl from your chioce. your mother is not the one who wants to marry.. now it will be pretty miserable for you if you married a girl whom you didn't feel strong connection with and not even attracted to... i mean you have to be drawn to that person.. so many marriage fails because they are simply not happy now i know this girl, she not attracted to her husband one bit and she is finding it hell difficult
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Ansariyah
08-16-2009, 06:12 PM
Many people don't like to admit this but physical attraction is very important in Marriage. Marriage is suppose to be forever, u betta pick someone u can look at for that long.

Not someone who makes u want to look away the first 3 mins.:hiding:
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cat eyes
08-16-2009, 06:19 PM
inshallaah bro you will beautiful muslimah with deen who will satisfy your every need :statisfie and don't let your mum make your life time decisions for you. there is limits you know and thats pushing it a bit to far
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Jalal130
08-17-2009, 08:59 AM
Assalaamu alaikum

I suggest to you that you bring someone knowledgeable to whom your mother would listen. marriage is a lifetime desicion, your mother must, have to understand that you will from the marriage on live together with a complete other character till you die, so it is important that you like her. Like the prophet said, for a man and a woman who love each other, theres no better thing than marriage. btw why should one risk divorce? its not a good thing.

that knowledgeable man also must explain to her what the prophet said about tribalism etc. it is a huge problem nowadays which results in many many familiar problems.

still theres to mention. physical attraction is limited. if you get older maybe its gone, or even after some years. whats left is mercy. better you concentrate on getting a pious woman. i'm still not saying you shouldnt look for physical beauty, dont get me wrong.

Ws-Salaam
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- IqRa -
08-17-2009, 09:01 AM
The other half is going to be the first thing you look at when you wake up and the last thing you look at when you go to sleep at night - obviously some attraction is needed.
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aadil77
08-17-2009, 09:15 AM
Originally Posted by qweretyq
My mom wants me to get married not only to a Muslim, but specifically one from our town.
If you run out of choices then I'm sure you're mum will consider different places, try and explain to her that you can ask around in masjids or look in different towns
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- IqRa -
08-17-2009, 09:17 AM
I think the brother is saying the bad thing is that his mum wants him to marry one from his town ONLY...
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markislam
08-17-2009, 11:06 AM
Yes it is very important that you have physical attraction other wise your life will be a hell on your inside.
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S_87
08-17-2009, 11:12 AM
yes physical attraction is important especially to help you lower your gaze and be happy with your wife...
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markislam
08-17-2009, 11:28 AM
exactly what iam going through now imsad


Originally Posted by amani
yes physical attraction is important especially to help you lower your gaze and be happy with your wife...
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- IqRa -
08-17-2009, 11:33 AM
^ ?
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touba
08-17-2009, 12:18 PM
Originally Posted by qweretyq
My mom wants me to get married not only to a Muslim, but specifically one from our town. Furthermore, she says she does not like this family or that one when looking at many families from our town, which narrows my choices really down. I was then introduced to a girl and
Now she comes from a good family and I like her dad and everything. However, I have absolutely NO physical attraction to her. I told my mom No, and of course, with all her restrictions it is hard for me to find another girl.

Have any of you gotten married to a person who you were not attracted to at all? Isn't this an important consideration in marriage?
Dont worry about it ,my brother get married with a girl chosen by my mother Allah rahmat inshallah but my brother didnt likes her nor phyically nor her caracter and education , my mother forced him and he get married with this girl and after the first baby came he become crazy of her and now he loves her so much and he cannot see any women better than her in his eyes hes very happy with her and they have mashallah 3 children now . Beauty is not important but caracter and heart and mind important , Look at me im beautiful lady but i am giving my husband hard time Allah inshallah forgive me , hes doing everything for me because he loves me but still im bad caracter with him ,I hope this help you
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markislam
08-17-2009, 12:59 PM
that is why love single ness :)
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syilla
08-18-2009, 03:12 AM
:salamext:

you better tell your mother... coz i really pitty the girl that you're going to marry to.

I do not want to see the girl suffer after the marriage. :(
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Salahudeen
08-18-2009, 03:22 AM
attraction is important, that's 1 of the main reasons we get married so we can fulfill our desire in a halal way and won't be so tempted to lust after women.

But if you don't find your wife attractive then it's gonna be hard to stop yourself looking at other women because you won't want to be with your wife in that way.

This is something I have problem with too, all the women that I seem to find attractive are not praticing :( I don't know why that is, maybe I haven't seen alot of praticing women that's why. they're the type of women I'd have nothing in common with but physical attraction.

and the women who I have no physical attraction towards I could see myself getting on with really well. so I'm just lost lol,

the thing that puts you off marrying someone your not attracted to is, what if some stage down the line you desire something that's pleasing to your eyes and you enjoy looking at.

Your gonna be in big trouble if your wife can't offer that.

and you might start looking at attractive women while your married which is the scary part.
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convert
08-18-2009, 06:41 AM
theres a difference between ugly and someone's standards being unrealistically high

i advise all brothers and sisters to stop being so ridiculously shallow
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- IqRa -
08-18-2009, 07:47 AM
^ Excuse me? Would you marry someone you were not attracted to? No? Well then.
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aadil77
08-18-2009, 08:14 AM
Originally Posted by convert
theres a difference between ugly and someone's standards being unrealistically high

i advise all brothers and sisters to stop being so ridiculously shallow
nah man I'm sure every brother here sets their standards according to what they're like themselves
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Ummu Sufyaan
08-18-2009, 10:07 AM
Originally Posted by convert
theres a difference between ugly and someone's standards being unrealistically high

i advise all brothers and sisters to stop being so ridiculously shallow
what would be shallow is hurting someone by marrying them even if you aren't attracted to them. how would one feel if they knew their spouse thought of them as unattractive?
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S_87
08-18-2009, 10:32 AM
Originally Posted by convert
theres a difference between ugly and someone's standards being unrealistically high
yes that is true too, some men do just want their wives to be fit a certain catergory BUT if theres no attraction regardless of looks then it does matter.
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convert
08-18-2009, 01:44 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
^ Excuse me? Would you marry someone you were not attracted to? No? Well then.
attraction does not equate 100% to superficial things like physicality

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed
what would be shallow is hurting someone by marrying them even if you aren't attracted to them. how would one feel if they knew their spouse thought of them as unattractive?
the person would probably be upset that he/she didn't find out that his/her spouse was so shallow beforehand

Originally Posted by amani
yes that is true too, some men do just want their wives to be fit a certain catergory BUT if theres no attraction regardless of looks then it does matter.
this is what i find so shallow, equating attraction only to looks.

you see all these people (sisters moreso) complaining about a lack of good spouse but then you hear about the same people rejecting someone over something dumb like height or complexion even after its been determined that the other person's deen, character, manners are good. like i said, people need to stop being so shallow.
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Intisar
08-18-2009, 01:52 PM
Originally Posted by convert
theres a difference between ugly and someone's standards being unrealistically high

i advise all brothers and sisters to stop being so ridiculously shallow
:sl: It's called being honest with yourself, everyone has a different standard of beauty and what they deem ''physical attraction''. So I don't appreciate you calling us ''shallow'' for that reason.
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convert
08-18-2009, 02:00 PM
Originally Posted by Intisar
:sl: It's called being honest with yourself, everyone has a different standard of beauty and what they deem ''physical attraction''. So I don't appreciate you calling us ''shallow'' for that reason.
:wa:
it is shallow. the prophet (saw) married old old women did he not?
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- IqRa -
08-18-2009, 02:10 PM
Do you do everything the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam did? Do you stand all night in prayer whilst ur feet hurt? Do you fast continuously for a certain number of days? Don't compare yourself to the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam. We aren't even fit to be the dirt of his shoes.
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convert
08-18-2009, 02:14 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
Do you do everything the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam did? Do you stand all night in prayer whilst ur feet hurt? Do you fast continuously for a certain number of days? Don't compare yourself to the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam. We aren't even fit to be the dirt of his shoes.
la howla wa la quwata ila Allah

just disregard all sunnah then

the prophet (saw) said to base your partner on piety not their height, their color, whether or not they are "cute", etc
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Intisar
08-18-2009, 02:16 PM
Originally Posted by convert
:wa:
it is shallow. the prophet (saw) married old old women did he not?
How is it shallow? I just said that everyone has a different standard of beauty. So what may be beautiful to you, might be average to someone else and vice versa.

And people get married to stay away from the haraam. If a brother saw a sister that he thought was extremely beautiful, and he approached her wali for marriage, would that make him shallow? Or would that he mean he just wanted to please Allaah and go about it the islamic way? By going to the sister's wali first, and then having meetings. Taking in to account that he wants to stay away from haraam, is extremely smitten with the girl, and wants to please Allaah by trying to foster an islamic marriage.

I don't think you should make such gross generalisations bro. Cause you always have to take into account that even if someone wants to marry a beautiful bro/sis they also want to do it for the sake of Allaah. And that, does not make someone shallow. Just honest with his/herself.
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crayon
08-18-2009, 02:17 PM
Originally Posted by convert
the prophet (saw) said to base your partner on piety not their height, their color, whether or not they are "cute", etc
So if there is a pious person who you are attracted to, and a pious person you are not attracted to, the choice should be made by a round of eenie meenie miny moe?
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convert
08-18-2009, 02:27 PM
Originally Posted by Intisar
How is it shallow? I just said that everyone has a different standard of beauty. So what may be beautiful to you, might be average to someone else and vice versa.

And people get married to stay away from the haraam. If a brother saw a sister that he thought was extremely beautiful, and he approached her wali for marriage, would that make him shallow? Or would that he mean he just wanted to please Allaah and go about it the islamic way? By going to the sister's wali first, and then having meetings. Taking in to account that he wants to stay away from haraam, is extremely smitten with the girl, and wants to please Allaah by trying to foster an islamic marriage.

I don't think you should make such gross generalisations bro. Cause you always have to take into account that even if someone wants to marry a beautiful bro/sis they also want to do it for the sake of Allaah. And that, does not make someone shallow. Just honest with his/herself.
lol "marry a beautiful person for the sake of Allah". we both live in the real world and not this dream world you people keep talking about; a world where brothers get rejected for having beards or wearing sunnah and women get rejected for wearing niqab/hijab or for not killing herself to look like some waifish supermodel. these are the same people who complain about a "lack of good men/women" as well.

Originally Posted by crayon
So if there is a pious person who you are attracted to, and a pious person you are not attracted to, the choice should be made by a round of eenie meenie miny moe?
for men: marry both. for women: marry the first one of the two who approaches you.

this is if you use shallow things like physicality as your criterion for attraction
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- IqRa -
08-18-2009, 02:31 PM
Brother, I assume you are not maried yet, if you would be then you wouldn't be saying such things. On top of which you are a man, and they NEED women they are attracted to so they can satisfy themselves completely, to be completely blunt.
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convert
08-18-2009, 02:35 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
Brother, I assume you are not maried yet, if you would be then you wouldn't be saying such things. On top of which you are a man, and they NEED women they are attracted to so they can satisfy themselves completely, to be completely blunt.
no i am not. i get rejected for stupider things such as being white and being a convert.

however, i did date before i was muslim so i know what a relationship entails and how "important" physicality is or isn't in attraction.
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Intisar
08-18-2009, 02:41 PM
Originally Posted by convert
lol "marry a beautiful person for the sake of Allah". we both live in the real world and not this dream world you people keep talking about; a world where brothers get rejected for having beards or wearing sunnah and women get rejected for wearing niqab/hijab or for not killing herself to look like some waifish supermodel. these are the same people who complain about a "lack of good men/women" as well.
Okay, well that's clearly wrong. And that has nothing to do with beauty or shallowness, but rather a lack of worship. Those who reject brothers and sisters for following the islamic guidelines/dresscode, they're the ones who are missing out. Cause they're not rejecting someone based on looks or attraction, but rather for following what Allaah has commanded. And those people are clearly misguided.
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cat eyes
08-18-2009, 02:57 PM
being shallow is a really strong word to use about somebody

i would only ever call somebody shallow if they actually said well i want a husband with a six pack or a man who wants a woman to look like those women we see on magazines these days with the nice height and gorgeous face but those women are not real women at all.

i know some girls who got rejected and believe me they were not ugly they were so cute, not being attracted to a certain person so it dosen't mean that they think you are ugly.. and it dosn't mean that the man is not guided or the woman. i strongly believe if Allah wants you to marrry that person, you are just intoxicated by them, you are drawn to them in how they talk, how they laugh, there personality etc, just the little things that they do.

you feel that connection.. but you people have to feel it first thats how you will know
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Snowflake
08-18-2009, 02:58 PM
=qweretyq;1202714]My mom wants me to get married not only to a Muslim, but specifically one from our town. Furthermore, she says she does not like this family or that one when looking at many families from our town, which narrows my choices really down. I was then introduced to a girl and she asked me what I thought of her.

Now she comes from a good family and I like her dad and everything. However, I have absolutely NO physical attraction to her. I told my mom No, and of course, with all her restrictions it is hard for me to find another girl.
If you mean you don't feel physical attraction in the sense that you 'don't go weak at the knees', but you do think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking, then that is no reason not to marry her as long as she is God fearing and upon the deen. The most important quality to look for is the person's level of religious commitment. A spouse who strives to fulfil the commands of Allah and the Prophet's sunnah will be the best for you and your children to come.

Even when a muslim loves someone, that love should be for the sake of Allah and 'going weak at the knees' is doesn't fit the criteria of loving someone for the sake of Allah. Rather the love should come from a likeness and admiration of their qualities as a muslim. When the love is built on strong foundations, the attraction that follows is deeper and stronger than what you feel at first glance on seeing a pretty face. And if that's all there is to be offered, that initial attraction seldom lasts.


Have any of you gotten married to a person who you were not attracted to at all? Isn't this an important consideration in marriage?
Yes.

It may be important if there is nothing else there and perhaps might result in a failing marriage lasting a bit longer. But if your spouse has other 'essential' qualities, then the lack of attraction doesn't really carry much (if any) weight as you feel attracted to them for more stronger and solid reasons than just liking the look of them. So, no it isn't an important consideration after all.
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zakirs
08-18-2009, 03:15 PM
i am inexperienced in this matter bro , all i can tell you is "all the best and may allah help you :) "
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MinAhlilHadeeth
08-18-2009, 03:25 PM
Originally Posted by convert
la howla wa la quwata ila Allah

just disregard all sunnah then

the prophet (saw) said to base your partner on piety not their height, their color, whether or not they are "cute", etc
:salamext:

So why then, did the Prophet salAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam say the following?

From Abu Hurayrah: “I was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar.” (Reported by Muslim, no. 1424; and by al-Daaraqutni, 3/253 (34))

Obviously, being physically attracted to ones spouse is important as it increases the harmony, but no doubt morality, character and taqwah is more important. But nonetheless, physical attraction should not be downplayed. One of the purposes of marriage is to help one to lower their gaze and stay away from faahishah.
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Salahudeen
08-18-2009, 03:26 PM
^ agree

hmmm this may sound blunt, but alot of men find they have no desire to reproduce with a women they don't find physically attractive, to the extent they don't want to have sexual relations with her.

Is this shallowness??? should you still marry her for the sake of not being "shallow"???

she has good deen though, who cares if you don't want to make baby's with her cos you don't find her attractive, this is just something trivial. As long as you aren't being shallow by basing your choice on attraction.

You shouldn't be shallow as some people state,

just marry her and force yourself, or close your eyes and pretend it's some 1 else :) sorry if any 1 found that last bit sickening, that's the point.
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cat eyes
08-18-2009, 03:35 PM
Originally Posted by squiggle
^ agree

hmmm this may sound blunt, but alot of men find they have no desire to reproduce with a women they don't find physically attractive, to the extent they don't want to have sexual relations with her.

Is this shallowness??? should you still marry her for the sake of not being "shallow"???

she has good deen though, who cares if you don't want to make baby's with her cos you don't find her attractive, this is just something trivial. As long as you aren't being shallow by basing your choice on attraction.

You shouldn't be shallow as some people state,

just marry her and force yourself, or close your eyes and pretend it's some 1 else :) sorry if any 1 found that last bit sickening, that's the point.
lol that is sickening for any woman... i am sure a man will be attracted to some part of her body lol
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aadil77
08-18-2009, 03:39 PM
this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days
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cat eyes
08-18-2009, 03:57 PM
[QUOTE=aadil77;1204233]this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days[/QUOTE
HELLO incase you haven't yet noticed this is a forum and everybody is entilted to an opinion to help the brother just because he hasnt replied dosent mean he ain't reading btw i have seen things written far worse from other members so please why don't you keep your views to yourself instead of having a go at everybody else
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Salahudeen
08-18-2009, 04:04 PM
Attraction is relative to an individual, not every man finds the same women attractive,

there may be a women that I think is attractive and would like to marry and every other men thinks she's not attractive.

and vice versa, and this is 1 of the blessings of Allah that we all find different people attractive. Could you imagine if we all found the same type of women or man attractive?? no 1 would ever get married.

Without attraction I don't see any point in getting married, because you might still be open haraam things.

When the prophet pbuh said "when you get married you complete half your deen"

doesn't this mean you complete half your deen because your no longer open to the temptation of having illegal sexual intercourse and also looking and lusting after women. instead you can fulfill these desires with your wife.

If your not attracted to her it's gonna be hard to do these things.
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Salahudeen
08-18-2009, 04:19 PM
Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
If you mean you don't feel physical attraction in the sense that you 'don't go weak at the knees', but you do think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking, then that is no reason not to marry her as long as she is God fearing and upon the deen. The most important quality to look for is the person's level of religious commitment. A spouse who strives to fulfil the commands of Allah and the Prophet's sunnah will be the best for you and your children to come.
I agree


Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
It may be important if there is nothing else there and perhaps might result in a failing marriage lasting a bit longer. But if your spouse has other 'essential' qualities, then the lack of attraction doesn't really carry much (if any) weight as you feel attracted to them for more stronger and solid reasons than just liking the look of them. So, no it isn't an important consideration after all.
You have to remember men are different to women, Men are more visual by nature, if what they're looking at doesn't interest them, then they don't wanna know, but this isn't the case with women.

If it was just a case of being attracted to qualities, then many men wouldn't be single, it'd be clear cut

Man:"does she have good deen and perform wifely duties??"

"Yes"

Man: "ok set the wedding date"

but this isn't the case with men, their more visual, they have to find what thier looking at appealing. not drop dead gorgeous weak at the knee's but like you said he has to "think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking" :D
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cat eyes
08-18-2009, 04:24 PM
Originally Posted by squiggle
Attraction is relative to an individual, not every man finds the same women attractive,

there may be a women that I think is attractive and would like to marry and every other men thinks she's not attractive.

and vice versa, and this is 1 of the blessings of Allah that we all find different people attractive. Could you imagine if we all found the same type of women or man attractive?? no 1 would ever get married.

Without attraction I don't see any point in getting married, because you might still be open haraam things.

When the prophet pbuh said "when you get married you complete half your deen"

doesn't this mean you complete half your deen because your no longer open to the temptation of having illegal sexual intercourse and also looking and lusting after women. instead you can fulfill these desires with your wife.

If your not attracted to her it's gonna be hard to do these things.
yes this is exactly how i think and feel strongly that everybody is different. a man with a beard is important for me an he should be healthy looking(chubby) (not skinny) and he should not be to in to himself..he should keep himself messy but clean as to not attract the opposite sex but the next woman could think differently :statisfie
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Salahudeen
08-18-2009, 04:51 PM
Originally Posted by cat eyes
yes this is exactly how i think and feel strongly that everybody is different. a man with a beard is important for me an he should be healthy looking(chubby) (not skinny) and he should not be to in to himself..he should keep himself messy but clean as to not attract the opposite sex but the next woman could think differently :statisfie
precisely, another women could prefer skinny men who keep themselves tidy. it depends on the person and his preferances. having perferences isn't being shallow is it :hmm:

we all have preferences with regards to other things, some of us prefer red cars instead of blue cars.

Some of us prefer cats instead of dogs

but people don't call having preferences in these things shallow

so what's wrong with having preferences with regards to the opposite gender?? I have personal preferences in every area of my life including the company I keep.

It's my preference that my company is praticing people just like my preference that I find my wife physically attractive.

Does that make me shallow??
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-18-2009, 05:28 PM
Finding a spouse pleasing to your eyes is not shallow at all...what I may like you may not...what you like, I may not...

Someone said earlier something about being ugly or just unattractive. Technically no one is ugly...or born ugly. Have you ever seen a baby look ugly to you. Don't you find them all to look cute? Why? Because Allah(swt) created all of us with good looks and features etc...
People just have a different opinion in looks..it's our personality/behavior that reflects on our face. For example when a person is truly pious...you see the noor on his or her face..and when i look at someone like salman rushdie, he looks evil. That ugliness we bring upon ourselves...not that anyone is actually ugly..

:sl:
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Snowflake
08-18-2009, 11:37 PM
Originally Posted by Faiza.
:salamext:

So why then, did the Prophet salAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam say the following?

From Abu Hurayrah: “I was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar.” (Reported by Muslim, no. 1424; and by al-Daaraqutni, 3/253 (34))

Obviously, being physically attracted to ones spouse is important as it increases the harmony, but no doubt morality, character and taqwah is more important. But nonetheless, physical attraction should not be downplayed. One of the purposes of marriage is to help one to lower their gaze and stay away from faahishah.
I don't believe the concept of 'physical attraction' regarding marriage in Islam refers to seeing a potential spouse and feeling desire for them. Even the hadith you quoted, provides no evidence that one must feel physical attraction, but should be taken as being accepting of their looks (as in not dislike something to the extent that may dampen feelings of wanting to be intimate with them.)

The one purpose of marriage - to be able to satisfy one's natural desire has nothing to do with a spouse's looks, but the actual act of fulfilling the sexual need. This is not something that is dependant on looks. It is the fulfilment of natural urges that help lower the gaze and avoid falling into zina, not a good looking wife/husband. In fact men are very proof that a beautiful wife will not stop them looking at another women and vice versa - but the fulfilment of their natural desires will help them stay away from zina.


Originally Posted by squiggle
I agree
You have to remember men are different to women, Men are more visual by nature, if what they're looking at doesn't interest them, then they don't wanna know, but this isn't the case with women.

If it was just a case of being attracted to qualities, then many men wouldn't be single, it'd be clear cut

Man:"does she have good deen and perform wifely duties??"

"Yes"

Man: "ok set the wedding date"

but this isn't the case with men, their more visual, they have to find what thier looking at appealing. not drop dead gorgeous weak at the knee's but like you said he has to "think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking" :D
True! men are more visual by nature which is exactly why a beautiful wife will not help them lower the gaze :shade:

Also, we have been programmed to think we should feel physical attraction first then everything should be built around that. Non sense! Such attraction is fickle and can disappear as soon as it's felt. But the attraction that developes from genuinely liking/loving your spouse is what is we should be emphasising and striving for.
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penartist
08-19-2009, 12:33 AM
Salaam brother

as someone who has ' been there done that and got the t-shirt' as they say i suggest u think very carefully about your future. family can be pushy at times (btw ure mums criteria thing sounds like my dad..are u sure we're not related?! lol) the ultimate decision should be yours but keeping in mind that you dont disrespect your parents in any way.

The way i see things is that what's written will happen regardless so why worry too much over these things...may Allah guide us all on the right path

wasalaam
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Rasema
08-19-2009, 12:53 AM
Assalmau Alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

You have to have a good reason why you don't want to marry her. No physical attraction toward her is a shameful reason you can't tell your family.

Muhammad,sallallahu alaihi wasalam, married woman with up to six childern so he gives them shelter and takes them out of slavery.

Once you get married, even to a beautiful muslima, you'll forget about her beauty and how she looks once she agitates you and that can lead you to big problems especially in a kufr country.

Marry timid, poor, devoted to Allah.

A womans beauty can blind you and take you astray. How do you know you don't have physical attraction to her?

I don't want to know but she has the same thing every other woman does!!!
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MinAhlilHadeeth
08-19-2009, 01:23 AM
Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I don't believe the concept of 'physical attraction' regarding marriage in Islam refers to seeing a potential spouse and feeling desire for them.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'feeling desire for them', as I never actually used that word in my post. Do you mean looking at them lustfully and with desire, or simply finding them attractive? Looking at the potential spouse has conditions, and amongst them is that there is no fitnah involved and you do not look at them lustfully, as the 'Ulamaa have said.

If you mean simply finding the person physically attractive, then I'm afraid the 'Ulamaa say otherwise, as far as I know:

Imaam An Nawawee said after mentioning the Hadeeth of Abu Hurairah where he said:

“I was with the Messenger of Allaah when a man came to him and said: “I married a woman from the Ansaar” so the Prophet said to him: “Did you look at her? For indeed there is something in the eyes of the women of the Ansar.”

“In this Hadeeth is a recommendation to look at the face of the woman that is intended for marriage. This is our Mathhab (as Imaam An Nawawee followed the Mathhab of Imaam Ash Shafi’ee) and it is the Mathhab of Imaam Malik, Abu Haneefah and the rest of the scholars from Kufah (Iraq), Imaam Ahmad and the great majority of the ‘Ulamaa, that it is permissible to look at the face and hands only because they are not her ‘Awrah and because the face points to her beauty and it’s opposite and the hands point to the richness of her shin or otherwise. This is the Mathhab of the great majority of scholars.

Sharh Saheeh Muslim Vol.9 P.214
Even the hadith you quoted, provides no evidence that one must feel physical attraction, but should be taken as being accepting of their looks (as in not dislike something to the extent that may dampen feelings of wanting to be intimate with them.)
The quote from Imaam an-Nawawee above highlights that the whole point of looking at the hands and face, is so that one sees whether the person is attractive or not. But of course, the whole concept beauty is relative.

The one purpose of marriage - to be able to satisfy one's natural desire has nothing to do with a spouse's looks, but the actual act of fulfilling the sexual need. This is not something that is dependant on looks. It is the fulfilment of natural urges that help lower the gaze and avoid falling into zina, not a good looking wife/husband.
I wouldn't say that's the 'one' purpose, as I think most people marry for a variety of reasons, such as having children, companionship, etc. But I must say, your point seems rather bizarre to me. Are you saying physical attraction has no importance in this matter? Being attracted to ones wife will make a man more inclined to approach her, thus being more likely to be satisfied, therefore making it easier for a man to lower his gaze. However...

In fact men are very proof that a beautiful wife will not stop them looking at another women and vice versa - but the fulfilment of their natural desires will help them stay away from zina.
...all of the above is nothing if the man has no taqwah and loyalty. A man could have 4 beautiful wives, but if he has no taqwah or loyalty then what's to stop him from straying elsewhere? But for the one who fears Allaah, then if he sees something that causes him to feel desire, then he will return to his wife. And again, being attracted to his wife will aid him in this regard. All of the above is the same for women, I would say.

Allaahu A'lam.
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Jalal130
08-19-2009, 12:03 PM
How i understood, the thread creator already spoke with that woman and still feels no attraction at all. could be really not a good choice after that.

btw Always make Salatu-l-Istikhara.
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Jalal130
08-19-2009, 12:04 PM
How i understood, the thread creator already spoke with that woman and still feels no attraction at all. could be really not a good choice after that.
or he doesnt know her enough?
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Rasema
08-19-2009, 01:07 PM
[QUOTE=cat eyes;1204250]
Originally Posted by aadil77
this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days[/QUOTE


HELLO incase you haven't yet noticed this is a forum and everybody is entilted to an opinion to help the brother just because he hasnt replied dosent mean he ain't reading btw i have seen things written far worse from other members so please why don't you keep your views to yourself instead of having a go at everybody else

Assalamu Alikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatoh

First, the way we greet is with Assalamu Alaikum and not hello.

This thread does need some cleaning up. Half of our deen is cleaniness. Not just physical cleaniness but the mind one also.

Plus, shyness is a part of iman.

And lets not talk like this to one another. Remember that Resoolallah,saw,was very shy and always lowered his gaze.

WE LOVE EACHOTHER IN THE NAME OF ALLAH.

When someone gives you an advice don't take it as an insult.

With love :embarrass
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-19-2009, 02:00 PM
:sl:

Lol sis, when she said hello, she didn't mean it in the greeting way of saying hello....it's more like an expression.
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Snowflake
08-19-2009, 03:04 PM
Faiza.;1204611]I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'feeling desire for them', as I never actually used that word in my post. Do you mean looking at them lustfully and with desire, or simply finding them attractive? Looking at the potential spouse has conditions, and amongst them is that there is no fitnah involved and you do not look at them lustfully, as the 'Ulamaa have said.

What I meant is that some may wrongfully apply the term ‘physically attractive’ to feeling some sort of 'desire' for the person, and that is not how the hadith should be taken. Nowadays especially for some people raised in the west, it seems that unless you look at a potential spouse and go ‘Wow!’ then marriage to them shouldn’t be considered. This is what I disagree to.


If you mean simply finding the person physically attractive, then I'm afraid the 'Ulamaa say otherwise, as far as I know:

Imaam An Nawawee said after mentioning the Hadeeth of Abu Hurairah where he said:

“I was with the Messenger of Allaah when a man came to him and said: “I married a woman from the Ansaar” so the Prophet said to him: “Did you look at her? For indeed there is something in the eyes of the women of the Ansar.”

“In this Hadeeth is a recommendation to look at the face of the woman that is intended for marriage. This is our Mathhab (as Imaam An Nawawee followed the Mathhab of Imaam Ash Shafi’ee) and it is the Mathhab of Imaam Malik, Abu Haneefah and the rest of the scholars from Kufah (Iraq), Imaam Ahmad and the great majority of the ‘Ulamaa, that it is permissible to look at the face and hands only because they are not her ‘Awrah and because the face points to her beauty and it’s opposite and the hands point to the richness of her shin or otherwise. This is the Mathhab of the great majority of scholars.

Sharh Saheeh Muslim Vol.9 P.214


The quote from Imaam an-Nawawee above highlights that the whole point of looking at the hands and face, is so that one sees whether the person is attractive or not. But of course, the whole concept beauty is relative.
As you posted the hadith in response to a question of ‘physical attraction’ which are the exact words of the O.P. andwhich mainly describes the desire for sexual intimacy, it seemed your definition of ‘physical attraction’ differed from mine. I see now, you didn’t mean it in that sense but as in finding a potential pleasing/acceptable to look at. I agree with that. However, it still worries me to think the hadith may be misinterpreted by some. :- \
Reply

cat eyes
08-19-2009, 03:33 PM
Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
What I meant is that some may wrongfully apply the term ‘physically attractive’ to feeling some sort of 'desire' for the person, and that is not how the hadith should be taken. Nowadays especially for some people raised in the west, it seems that unless you look at a potential spouse and go ‘Wow!’ then marriage to them shouldn’t be considered. This is what I disagree to.




As you posted the hadith in response to a question of ‘physical attraction’ which are the exact words of the O.P. andwhich mainly describes the desire for sexual intimacy, it seemed your definition of ‘physical attraction’ differed from mine. I see now, you didn’t mean it in that sense but as in finding a potential pleasing/acceptable to look at. I agree with that. However, it still worries me to think the hadith may be misinterpreted by some. :- \
it worries me also, i didn't want to say anything because i didn't want to create a war :nervous: people are misinterpreted the hadiths of our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh.

just want to say something to every brother out there make sure you have your facts correct before you start posting hadiths and then you make your own mind up about what you simply desire for yourself! when you re not hundred percent sure. remember newly revert muslims join this forum to find more knowledge from other brothers and sisters. it will create doubt in there heart without knowing what islam really means so please don't make things from your own heads
Reply

cat eyes
08-19-2009, 03:49 PM
if the prophet mohammad pbuh intended that beauty is recommended for marriage so there would be a lot of good believing women single and that would surely not be justice in the eyes of the prophet pbuh btw when you want a scholar to interpret a hadith of the prophet pbuh it would be highly recommended to ask where he studied and what degree's he has.:statisfie
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