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markislam
08-17-2009, 11:55 AM
Asalam valekum brothers and sisters.

I have been married for almost more than 4 years now. and i have a daughter from our marriage.

I live in a western country and my wife is a strict christian when i say strict she wont waiver in her faith. I recently accepted Islam just a few days back.

I have this problem where i don't have connection with her and also not physically attracted to her, we don't have any intimacy in our marriage, just two people living under a roof. I do love my wife and care for her but i dont have that intimacy as a muslim brother i take care of them. Before i was a muslim i gaze used to fall on so many girls but i never had any relationship as such outside of marriage.

My wife wants to have more kids but i don't want to have any more as i dont know how long our marriage will last. I am so depressed now a days thinking of all this. :phew.

Also i want to raise my family in a islamic way, i never told my wife about islam but i know for sure she wont let me.
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touba
08-17-2009, 12:10 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
Asalam valekum brothers and sisters.

I have been married for almost more than 4 years now. and i have a daughter from our marriage.

I live in a western country and my wife is a strict christian when i say strict she wont waiver in her faith. I recently accepted Islam just a few days back.

I have this problem where i don't have connection with her and also not physically attracted to her, we don't have any intimacy in our marriage, just two people living under a roof. I do love my wife and care for her but i dont have that intimacy as a muslim brother i take care of them. Before i was a muslim i gaze used to fall on so many girls but i never had any relationship as such outside of marriage.

My wife wants to have more kids but i don't want to have any more as i dont know how long our marriage will last. I am so depressed now a days thinking of all this. :phew.

Also i want to raise my family in a islamic way, i never told my wife about islam but i know for sure she wont let me.
Wa alaikoum assalam brother

First try to convince her about to become a muslim if she refuse ,you have to divorce her and get marry with a muslim girl because it will be haram for you to live wth a christian wife and i hope this helpyou inshallah
Reply

- IqRa -
08-17-2009, 12:11 PM
Have you tried talking to her about Islaam, generally?
Reply

Muslim Woman
08-17-2009, 12:23 PM
:wa:

Originally Posted by touba
Wa alaikoum assalam brother

...it will be haram for you to live wth a christian wife

Well , it's allowed in Islam for a Muslim man to marry a Jewish or Christan lady ; but kids must be raised as Muslims.
Reply

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Muslim Woman
08-17-2009, 12:27 PM
:sl:

Originally Posted by markislam
I recently accepted Islam just a few days back.
Welcome to Islam bro , may Allah bless you :statisfie

we don't have any intimacy in our marriage, just two people living under a roof.
talk to your wife and take a decision . Don't sit idle like this . If u don't want to continue your marriage with her , tell her . But what's the problem with her ? She is a Christian and she will raise your kid as a Chrisitan ?
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S_87
08-17-2009, 12:30 PM
from what i understand the intimacy issues arent because you accepted islam but because of other reasons? IF so and you believe divorcing her would be better for her and you in the long run then...?
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markislam
08-17-2009, 12:44 PM
yes the intimacy issues are because of other reasons, i never told my wife about my conversion to Islam either, there will be a big hell in the house and family if they come to know this, so want to keep this a secret for some time and mean while grow more in Islam


Originally Posted by amani
from what i understand the intimacy issues arent because you accepted islam but because of other reasons? IF so and you believe divorcing her would be better for her and you in the long run then...?
Reply

markislam
08-17-2009, 12:45 PM
she is a christian and will raise her as a christian. the problem is i dont have any intimacy with her or feel connected.


Originally Posted by Muslim Woman
:sl:



Welcome to Islam bro , may Allah bless you :statisfie



talk to your wife and take a decision . Don't sit idle like this . If u don't want to continue your marriage with her , tell her . But what's the problem with her ? She is a Christian and she will raise your kid as a Chrisitan ?
Reply

- IqRa -
08-17-2009, 12:46 PM
Why did you marry her?
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Cabdullahi
08-17-2009, 12:47 PM
i believe you lost attraction to your wife when you started gazing at other women.....now that your a muslim lower your gaze and you'll be suprised how beautiful your wife will become

forget the talk about divorce....if you have kids stay with your kids
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markislam
08-17-2009, 12:49 PM
Family issues are so complicated i cant just divorce when i have a kid at the same time i have to follow what Islam says don't know what to do. i think some times to run away from all this and go to a mountain and live alone.
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cat eyes
08-17-2009, 12:51 PM
you have to show her to islam now and you can't just say she won't accept it without showing her islam only Allah knows.

if you love her, you have to be patient. it takes time! it dosent happen over night.

can i also say that telling everybody on this forum or wherever you might be that your marriage won't last is very hateful in the sight of Allah

it don't matter what religion she is! you are married to her weather you are revert or not.. you have a duty to her. she is the mother of your child


divorce is not good at all.. Allah dislikes it especially when theres kids involved.pray to Allah and have patience

everybody deserves to be happy and i understand your situation but if after showing her islam and she rejects it constantly then i would suggest you seek advice from a qaulified scholar about your situation. people here are not qualified and your only new to islam.
Reply

markislam
08-17-2009, 12:51 PM
I never was attracted to my wife in the first place but got married due to family pressure.


Originally Posted by Abdullahii
i believe you lost attraction to your wife when you started gazing at other women.....now that your a muslim lower your gaze and you'll be suprised how beautiful your wife will become

forget the talk about divorce....if you have kids stay with your kids
Reply

Cabdullahi
08-17-2009, 12:52 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
i never was attracted to my wife in the first place but got married due to family and some personal issues.
thats tough one brother...im sure you find in her something that is attractive...you've stayed with her this long
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markislam
08-17-2009, 12:57 PM
most of the time people stick in marriage just because of family or a kid, culture but end up having a miserable lives and i don't want that to happen with me.

I know people who try to avoid their wives as much possible and spend all their time at work or work in a far away place. is that what is life is about.



Originally Posted by cat eyes
you have to show her to islam now and you can't just say she won't accept it without showing her islam only Allah knows.

if you love her, you have to be patient. it takes time! it dosent happen over night.

can i also say that telling everybody on this forum or wherever you might be that your marriage won't last is very hateful in the sight of Allah

it don't matter what religion she is! you are married to her weather you are revert or not.. you have a duty to her. she is the mother of your child


divorce is not good at all.. Allah dislikes it especially when theres kids involved.pray to Allah and have patience

everybody deserves to be happy and i understand your situation but if after showing her islam and she rejects it constantly then i would suggest you seek advice from a qaulified scholar about your situation. people here are not qualified and your only new to islam.
Reply

glo
08-17-2009, 02:40 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
she is a christian and will raise her as a christian. the problem is i dont have any intimacy with her or feel connected.
Mark, it sounds to me like you have general marital problems, and possibly have had for some time.

I feel that your conversion to Islam is not the first and foremost issue here.
Search your heart and be honest with yourself, not to use the fact that you have converted to Islam and your wife won't as an excuse for a separation/divorce.
Be sure not to use your conversion to Islam as a means to create a greater rift between you and your wife.

Whatever has happened between you two, she is your wife and you made her a promise. Give her respect and talk to her honestly. Please.
If you want a separation, then tell her how you feel about her. Don't just say 'Now I am a Muslim I cannot be married to you ...'. Tell her the truth!

It won't be easy, but sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Reply

markislam
08-17-2009, 03:06 PM
Yes iam going to talk to my wife she is in college now so i will wait till next year till she is finished.

It is not going to be easy i don't think i will ever tell her about my new faith. but i will talk to her.


Originally Posted by glo
Mark, it sounds to me like you have general marital problems, and possibly have had for some time.

I feel that your conversion to Islam is not the first and foremost issue here.
Search your heart and be honest with yourself, not to use the fact that you have converted to Islam and your wife won't as an excuse for a separation/divorce.
Be sure not to use your conversion to Islam as a means to create a greater rift between you and your wife.

Whatever has happened between you two, she is your wife and you made her a promise. Give her respect and talk to her honestly. Please.
If you want a separation, then tell her how you feel about her. Don't just say 'Now I am a Muslim I cannot be married to you ...'. Tell her the truth!

It won't be easy, but sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Reply

cat eyes
08-17-2009, 03:37 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
most of the time people stick in marriage just because of family or a kid, culture but end up having a miserable lives and i don't want that to happen with me.

I know people who try to avoid their wives as much possible and spend all their time at work or work in a far away place. is that what is life is about.
a bit of counceling would not do any harm.some people are just selfish and don't want to make the effort. i don't see what the problem is if you love somebody how can you just go distant from each other unless your not actually in love anymore then it would be understandable
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aadil77
08-17-2009, 03:47 PM
brother I think you should tell her about you being muslim, its not something you should be hiding from your wife. Don't make it seem like you're gonna convert her just fill her in on how and why you turned to islam. That way atleast you won't be hiding things and looking suspicious
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markislam
08-17-2009, 04:10 PM
brother it is easier said than done, all my family is christians no one ever came to islam in our family. They all treat me as a very good christian, my in laws always boast about me being a great christian to others, little do they know of what i am now :)

i am still learning about islam taking the baby steps.
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Muslim Woman
08-17-2009, 04:28 PM
Salaam/Peace

Originally Posted by markislam
i will wait till next year .
U must not stay in marriage but live like a bachelor for that long . It may create some other problems. Why don't u talk to any marriage
counselor ?
Reply

Muslim Woman
08-17-2009, 04:31 PM
:sl:

Originally Posted by markislam
They all treat me as a very good christian, my in laws always boast about me being a great christian to others, little do they know of what i am now :)

.

Why not invite them to watch the debate between Dr . Zakir and Campbell or debates/ lectures like this ? They will listen to both sides , will learn many things about both Islam and their own religion .

Without telling them about ur conversion , u will be able to give them an idea about Islam .


www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcKZnmBnQVE -

Similarities between Islam and Christianity


Was Jesus really crucified? Why the West is Coming to Islam? Women Rights in Islam


FAQs
Remove Misconceptions About Islam:
Common Questions
Intellectual Questions
Specially from Christians


http://www.ilovezakirnaik.com/
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GuestFellow
08-17-2009, 04:49 PM
Asslamu Alikum

I think it would be wise to have a third party get involved. Like a mediator or a counsellor.
Reply

touba
08-17-2009, 08:24 PM
Originally Posted by Muslim Woman
:wa:




Well , it's allowed in Islam for a Muslim man to marry a Jewish or Christan lady ; but kids must be raised as Muslims.
You are wrong , Koran is clear if the christian or jewish she doesnt become muslim is not allowed to marry her , i will show you the proof from the koran inshallah
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markislam
08-17-2009, 08:45 PM
Where is the proof ? I would like to see.


Originally Posted by touba
You are wrong , Koran is clear if the christian or jewish she doesnt become muslim is not allowed to marry her , i will show you the proof from the koran inshallah
Reply

Zafran
08-17-2009, 09:10 PM
Originally Posted by touba
You are wrong , Koran is clear if the christian or jewish she doesnt become muslim is not allowed to marry her , i will show you the proof from the koran inshallah
salaam

No your wrong Muslim men can marry people of the book - but the women has to be chaste - thats well known.

peace
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touba
08-17-2009, 09:10 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
Where is the proof ? I would like to see.
Ok i will translate it from Arabic to English and show you inshallah tomorrow
Reply

touba
08-17-2009, 09:16 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
Where is the proof ? I would like to see.
Let us look at Noble Verse 2:221 "Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But God beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise."
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touba
08-17-2009, 09:17 PM
Originally Posted by Zafran
salaam

No your wrong Muslim men can marry people of the book - but the women has to be chaste - thats well known.

peace
Let us look at Noble Verse 2:221 "Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But God beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise."
Reply

Zafran
08-17-2009, 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by touba
Let us look at Noble Verse 2:221 "Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But God beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise."
Not good enough - dont pick and choose - read surat 5 - verse 5 to 6. Read a serious fatwa on this by a serious scholar who knows Fiqh and the Quran well.

005.005
YUSUFALI: This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book, revealed before your time,- when ye give them their due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues if any one rejects faith, fruitless is his work, and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good).
PICKTHAL: This day are (all) good things made lawful for you. The food of those who have received the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. And so are the virtuous women of the believers and the virtuous women of those who received the Scripture before you (lawful for you) when ye give them their marriage portions and live with them in honour, not in fornication, nor taking them as secret concubines. Whoso denieth the faith, his work is vain and he will be among the losers in the Hereafter.
SHAKIR: This day (all) the good things are allowed to you; and the food of those who have been given the Book is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them; and the chaste from among the believing women and the chaste from among those who have been given the Book before you (are lawful for you); when you have given them their dowries, taking (them) in marriage, not fornicating nor taking them for paramours in secret; and whoever denies faith, his work indeed is of no account, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers.
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mahfuja
08-17-2009, 09:23 PM
salaam

Bro you have to inform her about Islam, let her know what Islam is about atleast.

Im not quite too sure how Sahih this Hadith is but goes something along the lines of:

Every single woman going to hell will take four (4) jannati men. Because they did not fikr nor had they cared in duniya about the Deen and Imaan of that woman and did not teach her Deen, these four men will be:
• Her father
• Her brother
• Her husband
• Her son

So as your role as a husband it becomes obligatory for you to give da'wah to her and then the rest is up to her Allahu alam.
Reply

markislam
08-17-2009, 11:19 PM
my case is unique i was a christian now became a muslim, i am still new to this
Reply

Zafran
08-17-2009, 11:24 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
my case is unique i was a christian now became a muslim, i am still new to this
salaam

Yeah your right - just ignore the before stuff.

peace
Reply

Ar-RaYYan
08-17-2009, 11:53 PM
Originally Posted by glo
Mark, it sounds to me like you have general marital problems, and possibly have had for some time.

I feel that your conversion to Islam is not the first and foremost issue here.
Search your heart and be honest with yourself, not to use the fact that you have converted to Islam and your wife won't as an excuse for a separation/divorce.
Be sure not to use your conversion to Islam as a means to create a greater rift between you and your wife.

Whatever has happened between you two, she is your wife and you made her a promise. Give her respect and talk to her honestly. Please.
If you want a separation, then tell her how you feel about her. Don't just say 'Now I am a Muslim I cannot be married to you ...'. Tell her the truth!

It won't be easy, but sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
i think that is a good advice:thumbs_up dont make the conversion to islam as an excuse for a divorce. Tell her that you had a problem long before your conversion. Anywas brother i think your wife deserves to know that you have converted. She will find out one day, let it be from you.
Divorce is the most hateful act which Allah has made halal but that doesnt mean you should stay in a miserable lonely marriage for the sake of your child-as he grows older he will notice the way his parents are acting towards each other- im sure you dont want to bring up your child in that uncomfortable atmosphere. Like you said whether his parents stay together or not his mother insisted that he will grow up as a christian but that doesnt mean you shouldnt encourage him learning about Islam and inshallah when he is old enough he can decide what religion to follow.
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markislam
08-18-2009, 12:27 AM
today a funny thing happened my wife was looking at her friends baby shower pictures , and the friend is a muslim girl she was wearing hijab , she was saying that she is the only one in the family who wears hijab even thought all are muslims.

i said that shows she is a true muslim, nada no response from my wife just a mmmmmmm :hiding:


Originally Posted by Ar-RaYYan
i think that is a good advice:thumbs_up dont make the conversion to islam as an excuse for a divorce. Tell her that you had a problem long before your conversion. Anywas brother i think your wife deserves to know that you have converted. She will find out one day, let it be from you.
Divorce is the most hateful act which Allah has made halal but that doesnt mean you should stay in a miserable lonely marriage for the sake of your child-as he grows older he will notice the way his parents are acting towards each other- im sure you dont want to bring up your child in that uncomfortable atmosphere. Like you said whether his parents stay together or not his mother insisted that he will grow up as a christian but that doesnt mean you shouldnt encourage him learning about Islam and inshallah when he is old enough he can decide what religion to follow.
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جوري
08-18-2009, 01:46 AM
takbeer.. Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar...

I am so happy about your conversion that it has overshadowed your current dilemma.. which I truly am sorry for...
I am not sure what I'd do personally, but let me ask you this.. do you have a secure job and are you a fit parent? Just in case this drags out in a negative way you'd have a safety net.
There is no reason why you can't be candid with your wife first and give her a while to think about everything she doesn't have to act over night.. pls don't bring the attraction or lack thereof into it .. just first express your feelings to her, your end of things, your choice and see if she wishes to join you for the ride, if not then sincerely tell her that you feel you might be growing apart on every aspect, spiritually, physically, emotionally.. and that some compromises have to be made or that you can go your seprate ways..



and Allah swt knows best

:w:
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syilla
08-18-2009, 05:59 AM
akhee...

i just don't understand, how on earth you got married in this first place? is it because your parents ask you to get married with her :uuh:

and how bad the marriage was? you have already a child with her?

i don't think you can't just turn back just because after marriage you think she is not attractive for you?

Did you realise that...love needs a lot of extra of work? It won't blossom if you just wait and see?

In Islam you can't divorce a woman just because you think she is not attractive to you...
In Islam physical attraction is one of the criteria to choose 'before' you get married...

But in islam of course you can marry four... but are you sure you're being fair?
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glo
08-18-2009, 06:43 AM
Mark, how will you be able to keep the Ramadan fast, pray five times during day and night, read Qu'ran and avoid certain foods without your wife noticing that something is different?

How long before you will have to talk to her?
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happynur
08-18-2009, 07:15 AM
Allah has taught us always to be patient and pray (sobr & sholat). be patient means work hard, work smart and do the best (and let Allah do the rest)
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markislam
08-18-2009, 12:30 PM
I have a secure job but again nothing is secure in this world :). I am a fit parent, my wife does not work and i take care of them well.

I dont know how to start a conversation about this. what should i say.


Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
takbeer.. Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar...

I am so happy about your conversion that it has overshadowed your current dilemma.. which I truly am sorry for...
I am not sure what I'd do personally, but let me ask you this.. do you have a secure job and are you a fit parent? Just in case this drags out in a negative way you'd have a safety net.
There is no reason why you can't be candid with your wife first and give her a while to think about everything she doesn't have to act over night.. pls don't bring the attraction or lack thereof into it .. just first express your feelings to her, your end of things, your choice and see if she wishes to join you for the ride, if not then sincerely tell her that you feel you might be growing apart on every aspect, spiritually, physically, emotionally.. and that some compromises have to be made or that you can go your seprate ways..



and Allah swt knows best

:w:
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 12:33 PM
dont know what to answer :hiding:

i do love my wife as a good friend but there is no intimacy between us that connection is dead.

we sleep on separate beds

Originally Posted by syilla
akhee...

i just don't understand, how on earth you got married in this first place? is it because your parents ask you to get married with her :uuh:

and how bad the marriage was? you have already a child with her?

i don't think you can't just turn back just because after marriage you think she is not attractive for you?

Did you realise that...love needs a lot of extra of work? It won't blossom if you just wait and see?

In Islam you can't divorce a woman just because you think she is not attractive to you...
In Islam physical attraction is one of the criteria to choose 'before' you get married...

But in islam of course you can marry four... but are you sure you're being fair?
Reply

glo
08-18-2009, 12:44 PM
Do you think your wife loves you, Mark?

Does your wife comment on your lack of physical contact?
Do you exchange any other forms of physical affection when you are at home? Do you hug or kiss each other? Smile at each other and laugh together?

If your only issue is lack of sexual attraction, then you can probably look for a solution on that (providing you are both willing to).
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 12:59 PM
I do kiss her when i am going to work or going any where. other than that no forms of physical affection


Originally Posted by glo
Do you think your wife loves you, Mark?

Does your wife comment on your lack of physical contact?
Do you exchange any other forms of physical affection when you are at home? Do you hug or kiss each other? Smile at each other and laugh together?

If your only issue is lack of sexual attraction, then you can probably look for a solution on that (providing you are both willing to).
Reply

glo
08-18-2009, 01:09 PM
How long have you been married? And how long have you felt like this about your wife?

You said that you married because of family pressure.
That seems quite unusual in Western society.
Can you share a little more why your parents wanted you to marry your wife, how they made that choice, and why you felt unable to say 'No' to them?

How old is your child? You must have had some physical contact at some point.
Reply

touba
08-18-2009, 01:14 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I do kiss her when i am going to work or going any where. other than that no forms of physical affection
Hello Mark,

You make me confuse , You said you dont love your wife as a wife for you and same time you are afraid to tell her about the islam so what tell her then about the islam first and if she become muslim inshallah she will attract you physically as well , believe me all the women in the world have attraction if they wanna attract and all the women in the world are beautiful but you need only to be patient and close to discover it .suppose you have a beautiful attractive wife you will suffer with jalousy of her when all the people in the street looking at her and im example of that my husband get always crazy out side because all the eyes on me i bring always problems ,For me beauty is a problem maker thats all

wish you good luck
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 01:16 PM
We were good friends and we both were going through some personal issues which i don't want to share here, and we talked about marriage, we never gave time to think and also our parents were pressurising her as she comes from a asian family. what ever it is now we are married dont want to think the past. I think iam going to just take what i have and follow God. I feel i am not right for her, she does love me and i know it.
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 01:19 PM
I come from a strict christian roots no one in my family is a muslim. so i don't want to reveal it now to any one even my wife.

I am still new to Islam and want to learn a lot, my father inlaw is a pastor of a church.




Originally Posted by touba
Hello Mark,

You make me confuse , You said you dont love your wife as a wife for you and same time you are afraid to tell her about the islam so what tell her then about the islam first and if she become muslim inshallah she will attract you physically as well , believe me all the women in the world have attraction if they wanna attract and all the women in the world are beautiful but you need only to be patient and close to discover it .suppose you have a beautiful attractive wife you will suffer with jalousy of her when all the people in the street looking at her and im example of that my husband get always crazy out side because all the eyes on me i bring always problems ,For me beauty is a problem maker thats all

wish you good luck
Reply

touba
08-18-2009, 01:30 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I come from a strict christian roots no one in my family is a muslim. so i don't want to reveal it now to any one even my wife.

I am still new to Islam and want to learn a lot, my father inlaw is a pastor of a church.
As i understand even if she become a muslim you dont want her as a wife?
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 01:37 PM
Originally Posted by touba
As i understand even if she become a muslim you dont want her as a wife?
Yes why not :p but it is 100% unlikely as i know her more than you all
Reply

touba
08-18-2009, 01:42 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
Yes why not :p but it is 100% unlikely as i know her more than you all
Become first a muslim and divorce her or marry an other muslim girl and see what happen
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 02:11 PM
I think that is why muslims in saudi and afghanistan wear the full veil so other men dont look at women :nervous:


Originally Posted by touba
Hello Mark,

You make me confuse , You said you dont love your wife as a wife for you and same time you are afraid to tell her about the islam so what tell her then about the islam first and if she become muslim inshallah she will attract you physically as well , believe me all the women in the world have attraction if they wanna attract and all the women in the world are beautiful but you need only to be patient and close to discover it .suppose you have a beautiful attractive wife you will suffer with jalousy of her when all the people in the street looking at her and im example of that my husband get always crazy out side because all the eyes on me i bring always problems ,For me beauty is a problem maker thats all

wish you good luck
Reply

touba
08-18-2009, 02:14 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I think that is why muslims in saudi and afghanistan wear the full veil so other men dont look at women :nervous:
Yes
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 02:20 PM
Originally Posted by touba
Yes

as men we have to lower our gaze and i now believe 100% in it.
Reply

touba
08-18-2009, 02:31 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
as men we have to lower our gaze and i now believe 100% in it.
yes good Mashallah Allah akbar.
Reply

جوري
08-18-2009, 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I have a secure job but again nothing is secure in this world :). I am a fit parent, my wife does not work and i take care of them well.

I dont know how to start a conversation about this. what should i say.

:sl:

I think you should choose an appropriate time first of all..
call her (by her name) for a sit down and say, I think we need to have a candid discussion.. there are a few things on my mind that we need to discuss as they will determine our future and life together...I don't need an answer from you right away, but I'll ask you to think of what I am saying and reply honestly on your own time..

then proceed with easy questions:

such as
if I were sick with a debilitated disease would you stand by my side?
if I wanted to move to another town would you move with me?
is this marriage for better or worst?
see how she responds to all of those take your Q's
maybe leave it at that for that night and see if she starts thinking for a while and letting those words sink in, and then if she presses you later for what is on your mind, tell her, I have been doing alot of research and made a life altering decision.. I am not sure how committed you are to me to go along on my life journey .. but I will try to answer all your questions and you are free to make the decision that you feel is best for you, as I don't wish to compromise your comfort in any way.. and whatever decision you make, I'll be supportive of you and our child.. and take it from there..

khyer insha'Allah

:w:
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 08:33 PM
I have been doing alot of research and made a life altering decision..

is the above about my conversion to islam ?


Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
:sl:

I think you should choose an appropriate time first of all..
call her (by her name) for a sit down and say, I think we need to have a candid discussion.. there are a few things on my mind that we need to discuss as they will determine our future and life together...I don't need an answer from you right away, but I'll ask you to think of what I am saying and reply honestly on your own time..

then proceed with easy questions:

such as
if I were sick with a debilitated disease would you stand by my side?
if I wanted to move to another town would you move with me?
is this marriage for better or worst?
see how she responds to all of those take your Q's
maybe leave it at that for that night and see if she starts thinking for a while and letting those words sink in, and then if she presses you later for what is on your mind, tell her, I have been doing alot of research and made a life altering decision.. I am not sure how committed you are to me to go along on my life journey .. but I will try to answer all your questions and you are free to make the decision that you feel is best for you, as I don't wish to compromise your comfort in any way.. and whatever decision you make, I'll be supportive of you and our child.. and take it from there..

khyer insha'Allah

:w:
Reply

cat eyes
08-18-2009, 08:50 PM
i was afraid to tell my dad i became muslim so i text him instead lol mabe you could try that
Reply

cat eyes
08-18-2009, 08:53 PM
Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
:sl:

I think you should choose an appropriate time first of all..
call her (by her name) for a sit down and say, I think we need to have a candid discussion.. there are a few things on my mind that we need to discuss as they will determine our future and life together...I don't need an answer from you right away, but I'll ask you to think of what I am saying and reply honestly on your own time..

then proceed with easy questions:

such as
if I were sick with a debilitated disease would you stand by my side?
if I wanted to move to another town would you move with me?
is this marriage for better or worst?
see how she responds to all of those take your Q's
maybe leave it at that for that night and see if she starts thinking for a while and letting those words sink in, and then if she presses you later for what is on your mind, tell her, I have been doing alot of research and made a life altering decision.. I am not sure how committed you are to me to go along on my life journey .. but I will try to answer all your questions and you are free to make the decision that you feel is best for you, as I don't wish to compromise your comfort in any way.. and whatever decision you make, I'll be supportive of you and our child.. and take it from there..

khyer insha'Allah

:w:
beautiful idea btw mashAllah if only i had a brain like yours sis:statisfie
Reply

markislam
08-18-2009, 09:05 PM
Originally Posted by cat eyes
i was afraid to tell my dad i became muslim so i text him instead lol mabe you could try that
lol that looks like something i can do ;D
Reply

Danah
08-18-2009, 09:22 PM
I think you have to introduce Islam to her first, I am sure she has the wrong view about Islam that's why you are worried about telling her.

See how she will act and accordingly decide how and when you gonna tell her about you conversion, it seems that both you two raised it a strong Christian families. Be a good muslim husband to your wife, treat her very well as the muslim supposed to do toward his family, she will change her mind about Islam when she will see your behavior toward her....make her feel that you being a muslim will not affect your relation with her in a bad way but rather in a better way and that will not affect her faith as being Christian since its okay for a Muslim to marry a non muslim woman.

who knows maybe Islam will be the thing that will bring you two closer to each other like any couple...........subhanAllah Allah will make it easy on you, I am sure of that. Be sincere in your faith and you will find ease from Allah, he will not let you down

And whosoever keepeth his duty to Allah, Allah will appoint a way out for him, (2) And will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he hath no expectation. And whosoever putteth his trust in Allah, He will suffice him

Quran [65:2-3]


May Allah make it easy on you brother
Reply

Snowflake
08-18-2009, 10:56 PM
I haven't read all the thread but I'm amazed to see brother Markislam asked for advice on a specific matter, but some folks, instead of offering advice think it's ok to interrogate him about other aspects of his private life. Please be more sensitive inshaAllah.
Reply

markislam
08-19-2009, 12:00 AM
i do agree , i came here for some advice, not intterogation :embarrass


Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I haven't read all the thread but I'm amazed to see brother Markislam asked for advice on a specific matter, but some folks, instead of offering advice think it's ok to interrogate him about other aspects of his private life. Please be more sensitive inshaAllah.
Reply

Tony
08-19-2009, 12:06 AM
Originally Posted by markislam
i do agree , i came here for some advice, not intterogation :embarrass
peace markislam, hows things brother
Reply

markislam
08-19-2009, 12:25 AM
Things are still the same, it just continues as if nothing is wrong
Reply

Tony
08-19-2009, 12:26 AM
Originally Posted by markislam
Things are still the same, it just continues as if nothing is wrong
yes bro it mustbe hard, will make dua for you again bro
Reply

syilla
08-19-2009, 04:26 AM
:salamext:

akhee... i think you should talk to your wife first about your feelings towards her. Do someting about it and try to rectify the problem first before you keep saying that you are not attracted to her. Probably she can do 'something' and helps to restore again the attraction. It needs alot of hard work and you can't just ignore this. To have a happy marriage is not easy mark...it doesn't fall down on your lap just like that. To find another it won't mean you'll be happier.

Just don't be like one of those people who 'feels' the need to change spouse but never have to time to solve the root of the problem.

And remember this...

Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar: The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Of all the lawful acts the most detestable to Allah is divorce.
Reply

glo
08-19-2009, 08:58 AM
Perhaps this thread could be cleaned up a bit by the mods.
It has turned into much debating, rather than advice.

Mark, I still think your actual decision is about whether you want to be married to your wife or not, and whether you love her enough to spend the rest of your life with her.

How she takes to your conversion and whether she will still want to live with you, is a different question altogether, and one you need to ask her once you have made up your own mind.

Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me like a) you aren't happy in your marriage; b) you are looking for a reason to separate and c) your conversion to Islam may just be what makes your wife choose to divorce.
(Forgive me is I am wrong and I am speaking out of turn. Please feel free to correct me. Like you said you are the one who knows your circumstances better than any of us)

Please be honest with your wife.
If you don't want to live with her anymore as husband and wife, then tell her!
Your conversion to Islam doesn't seem to be the reason for your problems. The problems were there long before!

Any discussions around whether you can or cannot be married Islamically to your Christian wife are pointless, if actually you simply don't want to be married to her!

Be a man and tell her the truth!
I would hate it if my husband deceived me is such a way.
If you still love her - as you say you do - then show her that love and respect by being honest with her.
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- IqRa -
08-19-2009, 09:08 AM
^ Best advice ever on the whole thread.
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
08-19-2009, 09:18 AM
:sl:
@ thread starter, i honestly advice you to take your inquiries to a learned scholar. i think he will be able to advice you according to your situation.
Reply

markislam
08-19-2009, 12:04 PM
I am going to talk to my wife very soon about us and see what she has to say. As i said before there are so many issues with us. the problem with both of us is we just dont talk and keep things on the inside, on the other side my brother in law and sister in law fight over every silly thing, in our case it is totally opposite.
Reply

touba
08-19-2009, 12:41 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I am going to talk to my wife very soon about us and see what she has to say. As i said before there are so many issues with us. the problem with both of us is we just dont talk and keep things on the inside, on the other side my brother in law and sister in law fight over every silly thing, in our case it is totally opposite.
do it
Reply

Rasema
08-19-2009, 12:58 PM
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahamtu Allahi wa barakatoh

Are you afraid of someone else and not just your wife?

If not then tell her the truth. Be a man :)

I'm glad you've accepted Islam. Now the shaytan will try his best to lower your iman, you are in a great battle with a shaytan now. In a little while you'll experience the peace of Islam. Once you get to know your Lord of the Alemin you won't need anything else.

May Allah strenghten you. Ameen
Reply

markislam
08-19-2009, 01:12 PM
yes i am in a battle now, I have so much peace after i accepted Islam
Reply

touba
08-19-2009, 01:59 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
yes i am in a battle now, I have so much peace after i accepted Islam
Hamdoliallah Allaho Akbar Allaho Akbar Allaho Akbar Allaho Akbar
Reply

glo
08-19-2009, 02:06 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
I have so much peace after i accepted Islam
Perhaps your wife will notice a change in you.
Reply

Rasema
08-19-2009, 02:10 PM
Originally Posted by glo
Perhaps your wife will notice a change in you.
WaSalam
LOLLL
probably a positive one :nervous:

She won't let him go then.:p
Reply

glo
08-19-2009, 02:16 PM
Originally Posted by Rasema
WaSalam
LOLLL
probably a positive one :nervous:

She won't let him go then.:p
Why is that funny?
Being at peace with oneself, with God and with others is certainly something which should be noticable to others ... and yes, in a positive way! :)
Reply

جوري
08-19-2009, 08:57 PM
Originally Posted by cat eyes
beautiful idea btw mashAllah if only i had a brain like yours sis:statisfie
Jazaki Allah khyran and I like yours too..

ramadan kareem

:w:
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