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anonymous
08-19-2009, 10:25 PM
Salaam

Ive been thinking about this issue for a very long time and after reading the views and opinions of many knowledgable people ive decided to share my issue too.

4 years ago i had wanted to get married to someone from uni. He was a good muslim, with better Islamic knowledge than me and he was from a practising family. My parents however were too into their cultural values to aknowledge any of these points and were against the marriage. I therefore not wanting to disobey them removed myself from that situation.

A year later on a 'holiday' to my parents home country they sprung a suprise marriage on me which i wasnt happy about at all. I was pressured into taking part of the ceremony under threats of not being allowed to go back home and total disownment from the family.

During the nikkah the Imaam didnt ask me if i accepted the marriage- he just asked me to sign which i thought was odd.

During my stay we didnt get on as he (the so called husband) wasnt very nice to me and found ways of making my life difficult.

I came back and got on with my life having no contact with him.

He's now living here with me, at my house but we dont speak, we dont communicate in any shape or form and he tends to make up unneccessary lies to feed to my parents who are absolutely besotted with the idea of my me living 'happily' with him. He doesnt provide for me in any shape or form.

I never dreamed that my life would turn out like this...that so called marital bliss would be a every day nightmare...sometimes i dont even want to come home because i know what will be waiting for me- lies, anger and pressure from my parents to play happy families...im so unhappy at the moment and yet i feel soooo guilty for saying it because i know im in a far better position than most Alhamdulilah- i have all the worldly luxuries yet no real peace....what shall i do?? please advice because im soo confused....ive thought about divorce and seperation but with my parents are not agreeing to it where does that leave me??? imsad
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markislam
08-20-2009, 12:56 AM
from the story it sounds like you are from uk and you are forced to get married in pakistan, i have heard stories like this a lot.

my heart just pains when i hear stories like this.

dont worry about your family as far as i see the marriage is invalid. because in Islam the girl has to approve on the marriage. if you are in UK you should go to a protection agency.
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-20-2009, 01:56 AM
Islamically, when a girl is forced into marriage without her consent, her marriage is invalid. So technically. you're marriage didn't count. What's even more strange is on ur wedding day u were not asked!

Basically your living with a total stranger! You NEED to do something about this sis because as per Islam, your NOT married.

:sl:
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syilla
08-20-2009, 02:16 AM
:salamext:

ukhtee i think you need to ask the imaan and the scholars about this.
Why not complaint to a sheikh and let him advice you and your family on this matter.

Solve this matter ukhtee...before it ruin your life forever.

There is a possibility that the guy doesn't want the marriage too.
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-20-2009, 02:35 AM
:sl:

But isn't she technically not married? For her marriage to be valid...she'd have to have consented, which she didn't. She was not even asked if she approved, on her nikah :hmm:
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syilla
08-20-2009, 03:09 AM
there are some matters that should be taken lightly, and nikkah is one of it.

She should bring this to the scholars and proof it that the marriage is not valid.
Is not up to us to decide whether is valid or not :)
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touba
08-20-2009, 11:53 AM
Assalamou alaikoum wa rahmatou Allah taala wa barakatou.

But shes got an oher problem if she lives in the UK and she bring the husband over here that mean she did also an official marriage which if she want to divorce him the procedures takes long time and she will suffer during that long time + if she got a house he can claim half of her house value etc.

In my opinion thats your destiney anyway try to get close to your husband may be you will love him inshallah , it happened to my brother he had been forcd to marry a girl he was full of hate to her but later Allah put marhamat in his heart and hes crazy of her now Mashallah and they have 3 children

Allah with you sister
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-20-2009, 12:50 PM
Originally Posted by syilla
there are some matters that should be taken lightly, and nikkah is one of it.

She should bring this to the scholars and proof it that the marriage is not valid.
Is not up to us to decide whether is valid or not :)
:sl:

But it's as plain as day. She was not asked in BOTH situations that are considered crucial! At least according to what we've been told.

Allahu Alam...
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Thinker
08-20-2009, 12:53 PM
http://www.forcedmarriage.nhs.uk/about.asp

Get help and advice from these people who know have dealt with others in similar situations.
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
08-20-2009, 01:21 PM
Sis ask your parents...do they want to see you happy or miserable? Is not your happiness important to them? Are they happy with the fact that your "husband" is not providing for you and not being kind at all? You are their daughter for the love of Allah.
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markislam
08-20-2009, 01:27 PM
To the poster.

Most of the time some parents think of family status, prestige etc, if you parents belongs to that category, they wont even listen to their kids. They feel they are right and dont listen to others opinions.

Sister you have one life, fight for it if you don't like this marriage and get a divorce.

I hope you are educated and have a good job so you can live on own if needed.
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Thinker
08-20-2009, 01:50 PM
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/new...cle5340058.ece

Thinking about this, it is many things not least of which is bullying and in my experience bullies don’t prey on the strong they prey on the weak and as soon as the weak start fighting back, the back off. Fight back as the did the lady from Bangladesh (see above link).

How come when this sort of things happen its always Pakistan or Bangladesh?
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touba
08-20-2009, 02:03 PM
I think is not nice to close my thread with this way as a muslims ! i didnt see any thread in the past about music, I think today alpha dude like to close all the threads started by rayaan and now me so if you like to close it why other moderator approved it Subhanallah
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- IqRa -
08-20-2009, 02:06 PM
What music? What are you talking about?
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touba
08-20-2009, 02:08 PM
Originally Posted by T.I.A
What music? What are you talking about?
Have a look at my thread regarding the music they close it im up set
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glo
08-20-2009, 02:10 PM
deleted (Would take thread completely off topic. Will send PM instead)
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Thinker
08-20-2009, 02:25 PM
here's another link giving help and advice

http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/fco-in-acti...orced-marriage

http://www.fco.gov.uk/resources/en/p...ivors-handbook
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anonymous
08-21-2009, 01:00 PM
Salaam

Thank you the words of advice up to this point. Just to clarify afew questions that were asked earlier

- yes i do live in the UK
-yes my parents took me back to Pakistan
-AND yes its pity that most of these kind of marriage problems stem from the South Asian province

I have known within my heart that this marriage couldnt be valid simply on the basic point that a nikkah is supposed to be a contract between two people of proposal and acceptance and when no such thing has occured then how can it be possible that it is correct?

I did raise this point to my dad who just waved it away as though i was talking nonsense and told me to stop being silly. Someone mentioned weakness and you're right- i have always been weak when it comes to my parents, even though they have been so harsh towards me i dont ever want to be the cause of their unhappiness but i know this is a vicious never ending circle because if im not happy then they wont be either.

I consulted Shariah council upon this issue and they advised me to apply for a divorce. I dont know what to do- in logic it seems easy to just apply and recieve a divorce but all the drama (which my family are famous for!) and the possibility of never seeing anyone again...and then theres this niggling feeling at the back of my mind asking me if im doing the right thing islamically- or will i be punished for going against my parents?? These things bother me alot and if i was in someone elses shoes right now id tell them to quit talking about it and do something about it..so why can't i do it when push comes to shove??

Ramadhan is here now I shall do istekhara- even though twice ive tried and seen no dream, felt nothing when i woke up so what does that mean?

Oh and just to clarify for the person who asked if i was registered here then no im not. I dont know how they did it but i havent been registered here so if i was to recieve a divorce it'd only be an islamic one.

And for the certain someone who hoped i was educated and could provide for myself then i shall have to say Alhamdulilah financially i am able to provide for myself comfortably and yes i have had a worldy education.

Sorry for the extremely extremely long reply- ive just realised it must be all the build up to the situation trapped within me fighting to come out.

Wasalaam
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- IqRa -
08-21-2009, 01:27 PM
Originally Posted by touba
Have a look at my thread regarding the music they close it im up set
But they gave you an answer sis.
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Sahur
08-21-2009, 01:38 PM
:sl:

Sister you have to carefull in that during the nikah, for the wali of the girl and I assume in this case it was your dad is the one who 'carries' the consent from his daughter to the imam. In case the Imam has to get the consent from the girl herself , when he(imam) asks the question if the girl remains silent that will be taken as a yes and as her willingness to be married.

Also sis have you tried to give him a chance and show him some affection. Why I ask this is because Allah said 'Asa antukrihu shaian fahuwa kheirul lakum wa asaa antuhibu shaian fahuwa sharun lakum'. This means you might hate or dislike something and it might be good for or you might love or like something and it might be bad for you. This Ayah is in surah Nisaa and it was revealed of was this Sahabi who disliked his new wife that he will never even sleep with her or go near her and she complained to the Prophet(SAW). Then the ayah was revealed. When the sahabi heard about the revelation he went straight home and slept with his wife and that nights his wife got pregnant and they had a baby boy who grew up to become one the greatest warriors of Islam!! Allahu Akbar.

Allah also says in the Quran 'Asabru Jamiil' , patience is beautiful and 'Inalaha maasabirin', Allah is with patient person.
:wa:
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limitless
08-21-2009, 01:40 PM
:sl:

This is just sad. I am from pakistan, but alhamdulilah where I live this is a very rare thing to occur. Mostly, its the women that do that, sadly. Anyway, seems like your marriage isn't valid and yes you should apply for a divorce because you are being abused and he is not even considering any feelings nor his obiligations. Your parents are too arrogant with their "family status" stuff, very wrong. In this case sis, you are not doing something that you might regret because it is you who will be spending your life, not your parents. They have no right to do such a thing to you in the first place!! Islamically this is wrong, and you should get out of it while you can! And inshallah you will find someone else :)!! when there is will, there is a way. Have faith in Allah swt, don't ever give up. You deserve to be with someone awesome!! inshallah!!

If i may ask, who was this potential someone that your parents ignored while you were studying sis? Was he a convert to islam or not pakistani at all?
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markislam
08-21-2009, 01:45 PM
so what is guessed was right :).

go and get the divorce, believe me you will be a happy person, dont worry about the family, it is only for a few months and then they are back to square one.
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anonymous
08-21-2009, 01:48 PM
Originally Posted by markislam
so what is guessed was right :).

go and get the divorce, believe me you will be a happy person, dont worry about the family, it is only for a few months and then they are back to square one.
but how do i go about it?? u might be wondering why im asking this- it might be as simple as eating or sleeping to some people but i dont know how to get the ball rolling
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anonymous
08-21-2009, 01:55 PM
If i may ask, who was this potential someone that your parents ignored while you were studying sis? Was he a convert to islam or not pakistani at all?[/QUOTE]

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and if something wasnt meant to be then i shouldnt dwell upon it but in answer he was pakistani but didnt fit my families strict check list criteria of being from a certain family, a certain place, a certain eye colour etc etc which in reality narrows me down to about 2 people in the entire univerise! ;D

As for me trying to get know him then at first yes i did attempt to speak to him to get to know him but his manner with me was far from polite. Although we dont speak at the moment i have attempted to make amends on several occasions but dont seem to get any sort of response...yet i do try my best to treat him well but providing food and cleaning up etc not because i feel i have to as a wife but just to be civil. Yet all my efforts are not aknowledged.

Allah knows best
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limitless
08-21-2009, 01:59 PM
Wow...this is just surprising to me. I know it occurs in pakistan..but u.k?

Anywho, inshallah i'll keep you in my dua! Do you know any close friend of yours? Telling your husband or your parents for a divorce might be dangerous for you. You should get a close friend to help you with this process. That is the best way to start.
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markislam
08-21-2009, 02:23 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
but how do i go about it?? u might be wondering why im asking this- it might be as simple as eating or sleeping to some people but i dont know how to get the ball rolling
for everything you need to take a step that is where you need courage. to get the ball rolling you need to nudge the ball a little same as in our case.

first file for divorce, talk to your friends and iam sure they will support you.

go and do it don't wait.

Insha Allah everything will be fine :nervous:
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markislam
08-21-2009, 02:25 PM
dont fall in to the emotions trap of what your parents will think what your friends will think. they will think for some days and they will forget it. believe me.
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markislam
08-21-2009, 02:32 PM
I know a similar case that happened to my friends cousins, she was forced to marry a muslim guy from india, after marriage he came to US and found out that he was immature and could not even keep his job for a month.

the result the girl divorced him.

there is only one life here on this earth and don't live your life a miserable one.
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anonymous
08-21-2009, 05:52 PM
Thank you- i think i shall have to bite the bullet and go ahead and get the issue sorted out...but it has to wait til after Ramadhan, i dont want to spoil it for myself and for others around me...and YES it does happen in the UK lol who do u think is doing all these things?? if only changing countries would automatically tranform the mind too..if only!
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zakirs
08-21-2009, 06:12 PM
Sis salaams first ,

http://answering-christianity.com/ca...e_marriage.htm

here is a link that clearly explains that forcing a marriage is wrong.So u need not fear going against your parents.Allah would understand.


Can the woman divorce herself from a forced marriage upon her?

As we've seen above, it is clearly forbidden in Islam to force women into marriage. But in case this ever should happen or have happened already to any woman, then Islam allows for her to divorce herself from the man she was forced to marry. Let us read the following:

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)"

The choice that our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him gave to the woman is she can either remain married to the man, or divorce herself from him.
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