My fiance does not love me, cannot decide to marry me or not

[amk]

Assalamallaikum,

I appologize for the length of the query, but I want all the details to be mentioned for a proper analysis.


I have been engaged for the past 8 months and my marriage is planned in another 3 months time. Mine was a pure arranged marriage, and I met my fiance twice only before our engagement took place. My fiance looked happy on her day of engagement. My fiance is although not a very religious girl, but does all the necessary obligations like praying, fasting and sometimes attending religious gatherings.


I live in a different country, so I used to call my fiance over the phone to get to know her better and for her to know me better. Initially I could sense that there was something wrong as she would at times not pick up my call or cut the call. I thought that she might be busy. But when she used to talk, she talked normally.


However, after 6 months of our engagement, she became very friendly with me and opened up discussing everything about herself, her past, her nature and then shocked me by telling that for the first 6 months she hated me and used to cut my phones on purpose. But then she started liking me as a person and considered me a good friend for being patient with her. She also said that her family had forced her into marriage and she does not want to marry, but she will marry because she does not want to hurt her parents. She used to often tell me that she does not want to marry, and when I used to ask her whether we should call of the engagement, she used to refuse saying that that would land her in trouble and her parents will disown her, and she is only telling me all this not to call of the wedding but to hear her out as a friend. At the same time, she used to say that there is something she wants to tell me that will make me hate her, but will tell me when she has the courage and trusts me enough.


1 week back she told me that thing and said that the entire reason for her not wanting to marry was that she liked someone else. The guy was her classmate and a very good friend of hers and had proposed to her before we met and got engaged, but she had not taken it seriously because he is 2 yrs younger to her. But as soon as she got engaged, she realized her feelings for that guy and told her parents, but they rediculed her and said to concentrate on her future marriage and forget the other guy, which she did not. She had however not mentioned about her feelings to the other guy, though she used to call him on phone as they were friends.


Even though she has told me this and this did depress me deeply, I have excepted this and have told her that these things happen and if she sincerely wants to get married, she will have to forget the guy and I will still except her as my future wife, as I deeply love her. She is very confused now as she says that I am a much better person than the other guy, but she says that she does not have any feelings for me and does not know whether she can except me as her husband. However, at the same time she does not want to call of the engagement yet, and has asked for 15 days time to think about it, and has also asked me to leave everything on Allah. She has also said that she has talked to the other guy about her feelings and they have decided not to talk again untill she is clear what she wants in life.


The problem is, I have been patiently waiting for the past 8 months for her to start liking me and am very depressed now because I do not know now whether she will marry me or not. I feel very sad when I think about loosing her. I also get confused why she is taking so much time to decide whether she wants to marry or not, when she clearly says that she does not have any feelings for me. I do not want to call of the engagement unless she very clearly says that she wants to call it off. But all this wait and watch game is not taking the toll on my everyday life and I do not know what to do. I want to know whether I should wait for her or call of the engagement myself, because she has told me many times that she does not want me to call off, but to hear her out as a friend. She has asked me to wait for another 15 days for the decision. I do not know what I should do that can bring peace of mind to both her and me.

[markislam]

i know you love her a lot , but it looks like if you get married to her you might have issues later in life. any how pray to Allah and take the right step.

[Rebel]

So, in short:

- She has no feelings for you and is only with you because she doesn't want to upset her parents.

- She is interested in another man and finds it hard to get over him.

- It has taken her 8 months (so far) to decide whether or not she wants to be with you.

Bloody heck, are you sure this is the woman you want to marry? If so, you're a very patient man :exhausted! (Masha' Allah!).

Give her 2 weeks to decide, and if she still can't make her mind up... pray istikharah n move on. I know it's hard but how much longer are you willing to wait? This can't possibly go on forever...

[mathematician]

salamu 'alaykum brother,

If a woman told me she is not sure she wants to marry me I would say ok God bless you and goodbye. Having doubts long before marriage starts is a recipe for disaster my brother. It doesn't matter how much you "love her". If she doesn't have feelings for you then you know she might not be nice to you out of the goodness of her heart. She might still be good to you brother, but it will probably not come from the heart.

While it's nice that you "love her", do you really want to sleep on the same bed with a woman who doesn't have feelings for you? Subhan Allah, it would be such a terrible life brother. You would be sleeping next to her for years.
There are millions of women out there. So be patient, pray to Allah to grant you a wife who will love and appreciate you, and please forget this woman.
The poor girl is trying to nicely tell you I don't like you. You have to respect that and move on. It's for your good my brother. One day you will look back on this thanking Allah that you didn't marry someone who doesn't love you. So, think about that day brother.
May Allah ta'ala grant you a wife that will love you with all of her heart. Ameen.

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[amk]

Thank you brothers and sisters for your support and answers. I will wait for 2 weeks, pray Salatul Ishtikara again and hope that whatever answer I get Allah will give me the strength to accept it.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
forced marriages stink. i say leave it. if she doesn't want you, don't marry her, you'll only hurt yourself.

[noorseeker]

Move on brother, i know you are hurt, maybe when your gone she will realise what she has missed. Times a great healer.

[S_87]

She used to often tell me that she does not want to marry, and when I used to ask her whether we should call of the engagement, she used to refuse saying that that would land her in trouble and her parents will disown her,

Allah knows, but maybe she told you so you would call of the engagement without her having to explicitly ask you so her parents wouldnt blame her or something like that?

may Allah make it easy for you and if she is good for you then may Allah bless you with her...

[Salahudeen]

So, in short:

- She has no feelings for you and is only with you because she doesn't want to upset her parents.

- She is interested in another man and finds it hard to get over him.

- It has taken her 8 months (so far) to decide whether or not she wants to be with you.

Bloody heck, are you sure this is the woman you want to marry? If so, you're a very patient man :exhausted! (Masha' Allah!).

Give her 2 weeks to decide, and if she still can't make her mind up... pray istikharah n move on. I know it's hard but how much longer are you willing to wait? This can't possibly go on forever...

i agree^^

forget about her bro, I could never have a women who's heart belonged to another. The very fact that she talked to another man on the fone and mixed with him would put me off her to the point I feel like puking +o(

You'll always be second best to him, you might wonder when your with her

"does she wish she was with him"

and she might say in times of anger

"I never should have married you I would've been happier with my lover"

forget about her, find a girl who is strict and doesn't mix with boys, why settle for a girl who's tainted with talking to a boy on the fone and mixing with him in college.

Also how do you know that after she marries you, she won't begin to talk with that boy again whilst she's married to you. Then what are you going to do?? what if she marries you and doesn't like you then begins to talk with that boy.

If I was you, I'd forget about her and take comfort in the fact that the world is full of women, there is no shortage of women you don't have to marry this 1. As the saying goes "plenty of fish in the sea" ;D

Inshallah you'll find 1 who belongs to you %100 and loves you %100 and isn't divided by doubt.

Stories like this make me put off the idea of sending young girls and boys into a mixed education environment.

[amk]

This is what she had also told me, eventually when she forgets the other guy, she will start liking me as she realizes things too late, just as she realized her feelings for the other guy too late. And by then it will be too late. I know that I do not want to force her into marriage, but just as she could at least start liking me as a friend and open up to me, I somehow have this inner hope that she may even start having feelings for me one day, if not today.

[- IqRa -]

Ask her what she wants, straight out and do it. Don't mess around with things.

[Rebel]

When she forgets about the other guy? How long are you gonna wait for that to happen? How do you even know it's gonna happen?

You're gonna spend the rest of you life hoping that "one day" she will develop feelings for you?

Bro, are you sure this is what you wanna do?

Like bro squiggle, I'd have been put off the moment I found out about the other guy. I don't understand why you're so persistent despite knowing that there's another bloody geezer in her life! And one she favours over you at that :enough!:

Ask yourself this question: why am I doing this? And be honest with yourself. Something tells me you refuse to acknowledge the fact that a woman you are interested in and "deeply love" has rejected you, and you're just trying your best to prove to yourself that this isn't the case. No one likes being rejected, but for your own sake, I think it's best that you stop pursuing her for the wrong reasons. Trust me, you'll regret it sooner or later.

Sorry for being brutally honest about what I think, but there are important things you seem to be overlooking and will come to regret doing so later on in life...

[cat eyes]

the other guy might not love her but might only have envy in his heart and try and break the engagement! and as we all know envy and evil eye is dangerous and the people say it can break a rock! i think knowing in her heart she had love for another guy and getting engaged to somebody else is disgusting..knowing that she is mixing with another man and talking with him on the fone..

this is zina of the heart my brother! she is not getting forced from her parents but she just wants to make you think things so that you will believe what she is doing is OKAY! find a muslimah who fears Allah. 90percent of these cases end in adultery.. even if she says yes i will marry you, she might still believe she will be allowed to meet with this guy and she will tell you ohh we are just friends, she will tell you i am not doing anything wrong! she will make thousand excuses when you are married! even after your married.

this guy might keep on disturbing her no matter what because this guy sounds like a bad egg! there is loads of women in the world who are struggling to find a good husband! i know in love we are blind and we only want to see the good in that person.. we even convince ourselves that there is nothing wrong. you make excuses to yourself that this person will change.

but brother you can't erase your first love its true

When you love somebody for the first time its a big thing.

that person in your life

[S_87]

This is what she had also told me, eventually when she forgets the other guy, she will start liking me as she realizes things too late, just as she realized her feelings for the other guy too late. And by then it will be too late. I know that I do not want to force her into marriage, but just as she could at least start liking me as a friend and open up to me, I somehow have this inner hope that she may even start having feelings for me one day, if not today.

is she still in contact with the other guy?

[alcurad]

what's with everyone wanting to call it off? I mean he should let his fiance go since there's another guy who she thinks hse likes After the fact that shes engaged? why not tell him to give all his money to the other guy too, and tell him oh here's my fiance you can have her, since she is in doubt or something... how much more weak & pathetic can he get then?

she's only been talking on the phone with the bro, naturally she won't fall head over heels over the phone.
also she is worried since marriage is a not an everyday event, that's all.

long story short don't give up. if you can, be with her in person-take a vacation etc- so she can 'make up her mind' more easily.
leave it in god's hands? what does that even mean in this context? why not sit at home and stop going to work too, stop eating and drinking, god is the only one who feeds and clothes people..

[amk]

is she still in contact with the other guy?

She talked to the guy one last time last week (she clearly told me without hiding it) and has asked him not to maintain contact with each other even if they are friends. I had also explained to her that if she wants to marry, she will have to stop all contact with the other guy, as it will amount to cheating. She agreed to that and that is the reason she wants 15 days to try to clear her mind and then let me know what she wants.

[cat eyes]

she might stop contacting him but i doubt he will go 15days without contacting her! he will send her lovey dovey texts saying i miss you, your my life i need you and that will confuse her more. i know well enough you won't get your anser in 15days! and if you do it will be another excuse! doing what she has done to you, nobody deserves this! getting engaged and doing something as big as this only on your engagement imagine what she will be capable of during marriage! Allah is giving you signs already

[Snowflake]

if you can, be with her physically so she can 'make up her mind' more easily.

That makes a lot of sense and I know one couple who married in same sort of situation and finally fell deeply in love. The only drawback is, if both proceed with the wedding and then realise that her heart's not in it, then there'll be more problems.

May they should meet up more in the presence of their walis and then see how things progress from there.

[Rebel]

alcurad, this isn't a battle between the two men. Besides, he already mentioned that she had known this other guy long before he (OP) proposed to her.

It's more about whether or not this woman is the right one for him (and vice versa)...

Would you be be willing to stay with a woman after she admits to you that she's in love with another man and doesn't have any feelings for you? And that she's only with you because her parents forced her into marriage and she fears being 'disowned' by them if she didn't marry you?

It's unfair on both of them to go ahead with it.

I do agree with you, though, about being with her and talking to her face-to-face...

All the best, bro.

[Laila01x]

assalam u alaikum Brother,

I know your going through a tough time, but Inshallah everything works out for the best for you and may Allah guide you in the right path..i Will remember you in my Duas :)

[alcurad]

...
Would you be be willing to stay with a woman after she admits to you that she's in love with another man and doesn't have any feelings for you? And that she's only with you because her parents forced her into marriage and she fears being 'disowned' by them if she didn't marry you?

...
I do agree with you, though, about being with her and talking to her face-to-face...

All the best, bro.

didn't seem like that to me, rather it's natural she would say that given so few meeting.
her parents decision aside, it's up to her to accept the brother or not, and obviously she does accept him to an extent at least.

[- IqRa -]

15 days and it wil stop? How long has she been with the guy? 1 year? And she'll stop contact in 15 days?

:-\

[Snowflake]

^I don't think she wants 15 days to stop the contact, just to clear her head and make sure she knows what she really wants. At least she is honest about it. May Allah guide the brother and the sister in making the right decision. Ameen