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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 09:08 AM
Over the past few years me and my husband have had major problems which has resulted in major arguements. At the mo we're living together but not properly, think we need a bit of space to actually find ourselves again and give this a proper go....
here's the strange thing tho, every morning when I go to have a shower, I know he comes downstairs and stands outside for a lil while..what hes doin I do not know.. imsad
yes i know your prob thinking wtf.. same here...
its been ongoing for 2 months now.. well 2 months that I am aware of.. only Allah swt knows how long before..
Each and every day it plays with my head and I don't know what to think...
I want to ask him outright but I'm sure i'l be fed lies, as sometimes when he door creaks or i hit the door, he quickly speaks and tells me summat, so it would appear to me that he's come to the door to tell me.
On the other hand if he admits it, he'll just stop and no1 will be aware of anything and I'll just have to continue suffering in silence.

I really want to find out what he's doing,, is he reading something on me?
Sometimes i feel has someone done summat on me because I feel no connection for him, and ask Allah swt why is there so much distance in us..

As bad as it is, i've even felt like putting a cam up.. i know its bad.. but cant help all these things going round in my head.. :cry:

what am i to do..
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Cabdullahi
08-28-2009, 02:09 PM
He might be going out to get some fresh air......if there is anyone who is reading something on you it is the shaytan and it is called waswasa....he does it to break marriages apart
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zakirs
08-28-2009, 02:13 PM
Pray to Allah to make your marriage good as ever sis :(
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 02:23 PM
you say ' He might be going out to get some fresh air......'
how do u mean?
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- IqRa -
08-28-2009, 02:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdullahii
He might be going out to get some fresh air....
Outside the bathroom door? :skeleton:
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 02:27 PM
Outside the bathroom door? my issue exactly...
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Rebel
08-28-2009, 02:32 PM
reading something on me
What do you mean?

Try doing the same to him :hmm:
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Cabdullahi
08-28-2009, 02:33 PM
What bathroom window there is no mention of it in the original thread

''every morning when I go to have a shower, I know he comes downstairs and stands outside for a lil while''

downstairs and outside? to me sounds like front door and outside on the walkway.....

downstairs + man + outside + standing = getting fresh air
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Rebel
08-28-2009, 02:37 PM
Outside the bathroom door
What bathroom window
;D

When's iftar at your end, Abdullahii :D?
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Cabdullahi
08-28-2009, 02:39 PM
^ haha im struggling here ...the thread confused me alittle or maybe im hungry
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Rebel
08-28-2009, 02:39 PM
You could pretend to have a shower.. run the water etc and try to catch him in the act?
I want to ask him outright but I'm sure i'l be fed lies, as sometimes when he door creaks or i hit the door, he quickly speaks and tells me summat, so it would appear to me that he's come to the door to tell me.
:hmm:
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 02:51 PM
apologies ... yes the bathroom door..
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Cabdullahi
08-28-2009, 02:53 PM
''he stands outside the bathroom door'' << that sounds better

does he do this all the time
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penartist
08-28-2009, 03:01 PM
I thought that you meant that he went downstairs and outside too..its not clear in the original thread that u meant outside the bathroom door.

Well right now my heads coming up with some proper wierd ideas like putting a camera up on him..lol i know i know its ridiculous theres so many issues of making it discreet- maybe ive read too many dectective stories.

OR could u not ask someone to stay over like a friend or family member- someone who u really trust and ask them to keep an eye on him when u go for your shower??

OR change the times u have a shower so that u may have it morning one day, evening one day and maybe at midnight another- ( a little far fetched i know-) BUT if he comes running then to stand outside the door then you'll know for certain that somethings wrong.

Try talking to someone at the mosque they might be able to advice u better...and IF someone is reading something on you then there may be ways to neutralise it so that it has no effect upon u.

Hope that helps and good luck
May Allah give u peace and happiness
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:11 PM
I've thought about camera but just cant- for one they are very expensive,the discreet ones and howdo igo about using it..
no 1 i can really trust - everyone is on his side and if I was to mention anything to anyone, they wil prob tell him on the sly..

I can't seem to find someone i can talk to at the Mosque...
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bint_islam
08-28-2009, 03:14 PM
I think you should just run the water and as you hear him outside the door open it very suddenly and ask him what r u doing there? if he tries to tell u some stupid lie confront him and say youve been doing the same thing everyday...whats going on???????

confrontation is the best way..unfortunatley to say..you said u guys already argue alot...what difference will this make if you confront him??
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Cabdullahi
08-28-2009, 03:16 PM
islam prohibits spying and suspicion

''O you who believe, avoid (indulging in) much suspicion; truly some suspicion is a sin.'' (49:12)
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:17 PM
cos he'll jus feed some lies, and he'll stop .. the issue will just get dismissed n ignored... then he might start summat else without me knowing..
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penartist
08-28-2009, 03:19 PM
hhhmm camera idea was a bit far fetched i guess and i suppose being upfront it the best that u can do but i also know that people who want to hide something desperately generally come out with some wierd and far fetched excuses and the chances are that IF he is doing something then he probably will have prepared himself with sufficient excuses before hand.

So...erm i dont know how this will work- there are some very good respectable pillars in the commmunity around me that are very approachable and will know how to deal with such issues. Maybe if u ask the moderators here they will be able to let u know of people you might be able to talk to in your area??
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:24 PM
yeah suppose..
its such a weird thing to be telling someone I know like this.. i feel so lost and upset when i think about this all..
I pray to Allah swt that i just find out what it is so I can move on from all this.
If i ask him outright and it don't make sense beliving its more lies, it will only push me further imsad
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penartist
08-28-2009, 03:26 PM
if all else fails try to read YA ALLAHU excessively throughout the day, it will get rid of suspicioun from your heart and maybe give u a clear head to think of what to do next.

I mean im no marriage expert and forgive me for saying this but where is your marriage going at the moment? Try to sit down, stay calm but talk to him frankly about your future together. Marriage is supposed to be a blessing- not full of misery and obviously your not happy at the moment and u deserve to be so be honest with him and try to talk to him and if he doesnt want to listen or wants to argue instead then refuse to do so and ask for some time part so that u can both think.

Marriage can be extremely difficult without the added pressure and constant peeping in from others- I hope Allah makes it easy for u
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Al-Zaara
08-28-2009, 03:27 PM
He stands outside the bathroom door whilst you are taking a shower. And you suspect he's possibly filming/taking pictures? Doesn't your shower have drapery so no one can peek in?

I'm baffled. This is such an odd issue and I can't come up with what more he might do there. You really should ask him!
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:32 PM
thanks sis penartist
i don't think anyone can peep in, i don't think he's filiming or anything..i have the shower curtain covering too... i don't no what to think,
the only way I found out was i dropped contact on floor and as i was looking.. im really blind, i was literally face next to floor, i looked under door gap and saw two feet, it is only him because no1 is awake in the house and when i finish my shower he's sat silently in the living room.. like hes been there all the time..
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penartist
08-28-2009, 03:33 PM
Ill be very honest with you- i used to always think that these old men from the mosque were all sort of the equivelant of 'islam police' who would judge me and tell me off if i ever approached them.

But once I did talk to them openly i not only found that i was able to share the goings on of my life with them but also that they werent at all judmental and were infact extremely understanding and crystal clear upon everything....to them it was the case of 'okay u dont want to do this? well islam doesnt say u dont have to so therefore don't ' and it was that simple!

Whereas i would have beent there thinking for months on end on what to do and what not to do but these people (the pious oldie goldies i call em :-) ) have so much wisdom and knowledge and they are able to guide and help using the teaching of islam...
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:33 PM
thanks brother
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:35 PM
suppose i need the guts and confidence to speak up
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penartist
08-28-2009, 03:38 PM
Geez this guy kinda sounds creepy with your account of the two feet underneath the door narrative....sorry sorry i know he's your husband but obviously not a very good one if he's going saround doing wierd things like that.

I would follow Alpha Dudes advice- read as much as possible, it will protect u for while u investigate whats going on.

Wouldnt it be great if u we could mind read?
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:42 PM
wouldn't it be just...
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Rebel
08-28-2009, 03:45 PM
Hmm... don't mean to sound rude, but does he have trust issues?

I know someone who used to do something quite similar, n it was because he was convinced his wife was talking to another man behind his back (she wasn't, he was just insane).

I mean, you say you've had major problems, could it be related to that?
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AnonymousPoster
08-28-2009, 03:48 PM
if he thinks that.. why do it everyday? he don't say anything but before has been very insecure, i wasnt even allowed to relative cos of 1 guy.. at work he'd always call me up to see what i am doing, and then if he heard a male voice, it'd be like whos that what they sayin..


if he is still insecure then why does he do this, yet when he speak to me say he wants us to be happy and like he'd do the world for me..
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cat eyes
08-28-2009, 04:01 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by penartist
I thought that you meant that he went downstairs and outside too..its not clear in the original thread that u meant outside the bathroom door.

Well right now my heads coming up with some proper wierd ideas like putting a camera up on him..lol i know i know its ridiculous theres so many issues of making it discreet- maybe ive read too many dectective stories.

OR could u not ask someone to stay over like a friend or family member- someone who u really trust and ask them to keep an eye on him when u go for your shower??

OR change the times u have a shower so that u may have it morning one day, evening one day and maybe at midnight another- ( a little far fetched i know-) BUT if he comes running then to stand outside the door then you'll know for certain that somethings wrong.

Try talking to someone at the mosque they might be able to advice u better...and IF someone is reading something on you then there may be ways to neutralise it so that it has no effect upon u.

Hope that helps and good luck
May Allah give u peace and happiness
NO NO NO NO this is a major sin for a wife to spy on her husband, Allah will hold you to account for it if you got nothing on him and if he finds out, it will make it all the worse.. this is what shaytaan wants and how he accomplishes divorce between man and wife.. don't listen to this advice! i think people don't realise it is actually a major sin to spy

if you really believe he is doing something wrong sister.. ask Allahswt to give you clear signs. do your 5times prayers. seek protection from the jinn by reciting holy qur'an during the day for an hour or 2. and HAVE TRUST IN ALLAH.

If this thing is really eating you up inside just confront him about it and ask why do you stand outside.. and you know that he is because you saw his feet. btw that use to happen to me before i use to hear noises outside when i was lying in the bath tub but nobody was in the home. so it can be the jinn also playing with your mind
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penartist
08-28-2009, 04:08 PM
ok i get the whole spying thing is wrong and yes dont follow that advice but seeking advice from someone educated is no sin....(btw i meant as in someone from the Mosque)

Dude your husband sounds like he's very insecure- just sit and talk to him, as hard is that might be your best off doing that, at least that way all suspicions will be eliminated from your mind.
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Rebel
08-28-2009, 04:13 PM
if he thinks that.. why do it everyday? he don't say anything but before has been very insecure, i wasnt even allowed to relative cos of 1 guy.. at work he'd always call me up to see what i am doing, and then if he heard a male voice, it'd be like whos that what they sayin..


if he is still insecure then why does he do this, yet when he speak to me say he wants us to be happy and like he'd do the world for me..
He doesn't want you to know about his insecurities?

Do you two ever talk to each other about your worries?
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ژاله
08-28-2009, 04:28 PM
^ he might be suspecting that you call someone when you are in the bathroom, so may be thats why he was there trying to listen if you are doing something other than taking bath, does that make sense?
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zakirs
08-28-2009, 04:37 PM
Please talk to him and get the tensions cleared sis , or else the suspicion might further increase and spiral to huge problems
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glo
08-28-2009, 04:53 PM
^
I agree.

Greetings, anon

If you husband wants your happiness and well-being - as you say he does - he would probably be horrified if he knew how much you have worried about his behaviour.

There may be a perfectly explanation for his behaviour, and you have worried for weeks or months about nothing.

Go and ask you husband, anon!
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Ummu Sufyaan
08-29-2009, 06:40 AM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
if he thinks that.. why do it everyday? he don't say anything but before has been very insecure, i wasnt even allowed to relative cos of 1 guy.. at work he'd always call me up to see what i am doing, and then if he heard a male voice, it'd be like whos that what they sayin..


if he is still insecure then why does he do this, yet when he speak to me say he wants us to be happy and like he'd do the world for me..
you need to talk/give dawah to your husband about suspicion. he does seem to have trust issues. you need to tell him to trust you as it upsets you.
maybe he has heard baseless gossip from somewhere that you need to clear up :( just sit and have a talk with him and try to get to the bottom of it. dont be direct as you have done before, but rather be "sly" and ask and talk to him indirectly so that inshallah it can lead him to opneing up, not denying it :)

you need to also sort out your marriage issues as they seem to be getting out of hand.
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Humbler_359
08-29-2009, 06:45 AM
It look like that this is unIslamic way (spying, watching your back, improper behavior, insecurities, etc). It is really wasting times, just talk with him in person and get over with it.
:exhausted
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alcurad
08-29-2009, 06:54 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
^
I agree.

Greetings, anon

If you husband wants your happiness and well-being - as you say he does - he would probably be horrified if he knew how much you have worried about his behaviour.

There may be a perfectly explanation for his behaviour, and you have worried for weeks or months about nothing.

Go and ask you husband, anon!
exactly, don't make it into more than it is, for all you know he misses you when you shower or something..
no really, just have a long 'honest' talk, spill the beans, or the sprouts, whichever it was, just don't get hung up on a minor detail.

instead of suffering in silence, why not go-both of you-to a marriage counselor and so on? it should help a lot.
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AnonymousPoster
08-29-2009, 02:42 PM
thank u all very much for ur advise
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AnonymousPoster
08-29-2009, 02:51 PM
Astaghfirullah, I feel ashamed to say this but I can't PM you as you're anonymous. Please forgive me for saying this as its the sickest but the most common reason a husband spies on his wife when she is alone and especially in the bathroom. He thinks you are satisfying yourself!!
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AnonymousPoster
08-29-2009, 02:59 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Astaghfirullah, I feel ashamed to say this but I can't PM you as you're anonymous. Please forgive me for saying this as its the sickest but the most common reason a husband spies on his wife when she is alone and especially in the bathroom. He thinks you are satisfying yourself!!
...or the other way round if they are simply living together...crazy but possible :nervous:
and yeh i think ill post anon for this too
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AnonymousPoster
08-29-2009, 07:10 PM
Are you two having marital relations? if not, that might be the reason why he's standing outside the bathroom door while you're taking a shower.

you should read the four Quls and try to fix your marital problems. your husband has rights on you (& u on him) and you both need to fulfill each other's rights. if you aren;t giving him his rights, then you are a sinner. if he isn;t giving you your rights, he;s a sinner.

if you don't love him or can't stand him and don't want to have marital relations with him, then divorce would be proper.
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AnonymousPoster
08-30-2009, 10:48 AM
I may be the sinner, in fact yes I am and so is he, you can all hold that against me but its not as easy as some of you are making it out to be.
Its not as easy just to get up and make things work when you have had a lot of issues, and on top of things face of things like this, that altho to some of u they may not be relevant but to me, they mess with my head..

(orginal thread creator)

O And sorry to sound dim but i dont get what u mean by
...or the other way round if they are simply living together...crazy but possible
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glo
08-30-2009, 12:23 PM
Presumably the idea of a husband satisfying himself whilst thinking about his wife is unacceptable in Islam?
What if the couple have no physical contact, and he is therefore denied sexual gratification?
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Snowflake
08-30-2009, 03:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I may be the sinner, in fact yes I am and so is he, you can all hold that against me but its not as easy as some of you are making it out to be.
Its not as easy just to get up and make things work when you have had a lot of issues, and on top of things face of things like this, that altho to some of u they may not be relevant but to me, they mess with my head..

(orginal thread creator)

O And sorry to sound dim but i dont get what u mean by
...or the other way round if they are simply living together...crazy but possible
No, sis, no one is right to call you a sinner and I doubt they meant it in that way. Rather they were pointing out that it is a sin for spouses to deny each other their rights. But I agree with you, it's easier said than done and when the marriage is breaking down, the last thing spouses find easy to do is to fulfil each others right.

Your problems are not irrelevant. They are very real to you and affecting your marriage. If you find talking to your husband isn't working, can you get someone to intervene on your behalf? I pray Allah protects and preserves you both in your marriage. Ameen.




format_quote Originally Posted by glo
Presumably the idea of a husband satisfying himself whilst thinking about his wife is unacceptable in Islam?
What if the couple have no physical contact, and he is therefore denied sexual gratification?
No, is it allowed if there is fear that the husband may be tempted to commit adultery when they are away from each other etc.
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cat eyes
08-30-2009, 05:55 PM
i know this is probably a personal question but do you think there is any love there? you know what the wiser people say if theres no trust theres no love and i think people stay in a marriage because they fear Allah swt. they know divorce is hateful to Allah but Allah allowed divorce for many a reason...

if you can solve things, solve them with every possible way and anything you can think of but if that fails, no human can live like this and it would not be fair either if you have kids or if you decide to have kids in future..

not trusting somebody is painful especially your spouse not trusting you.. its the thing that really fuels anger and hate in a person
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AnonymousPoster
09-01-2009, 07:57 AM
he states he 'loves me' alot more but i don't one of the many reasons being this, because the things he's done and this thing he keeps doing.
How can he say all these nice things to me and then spy or wateva it is day in day out..
If any one time I feel maybe i'm feeling something towards him, the next morning I see him do this and I'm back at square one.

The past few days I've been really depressed, and emotional and wanting to just be alone. As bad as it is sometimes, if death came to me, it couldnt be any sooner. I crave to be happy, to have kids, to love and fill my life with happiness, but its all seems so faint and distant.

With him doing these things I cannot trust him, nor can I get family involved as they will not go ahead with divorce or anything.. someones happiness will have to be given up, and its hurts to think it'l be my parents, but how can I live like this, i feel really stuck and at a dead. :cry:
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cat eyes
09-02-2009, 06:28 PM
i think you should tell him your feelings. he is highly insecure

i think its clear to see from what you have said shaytaan is playing horrible mind games with both of you. every married couple goes through this at some stage. i have heard these stories time and time again.

this is more evil playing with you then anything else

be constant in your prayers and hold tight to the rope of Allah sister.
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S_87
09-02-2009, 06:35 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
he states he 'loves me' alot more but i don't one of the many reasons being this, because the things he's done and this thing he keeps doing.
How can he say all these nice things to me and then spy or wateva it is day in day out..
If any one time I feel maybe i'm feeling something towards him, the next morning I see him do this and I'm back at square one.

The past few days I've been really depressed, and emotional and wanting to just be alone. As bad as it is sometimes, if death came to me, it couldnt be any sooner. I crave to be happy, to have kids, to love and fill my life with happiness, but its all seems so faint and distant.

With him doing these things I cannot trust him, nor can I get family involved as they will not go ahead with divorce or anything.. someones happiness will have to be given up, and its hurts to think it'l be my parents, but how can I live like this, i feel really stuck and at a dead. :cry:

regarding happiness:Allahu Alam but do you think your parents will be happy even knowing youre unhappy or are they happy with you happy?

and we all crave to be happy sister, life is full of struggles, sometimes you just have to let them be and be patient and hope for a way out. :(

and also, IS he spying on you or is it something else? you assuming wont help your marriage, it will only cause a bigger rift yet if you both talked inshaAllah atleast some things can be cleared?
may Allah make it easy for you and bless you both
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AnonymousPoster
09-03-2009, 07:45 AM
a really weird thing happened today.. hes like clockwork when it comes to coming outside the bathroom, today was as any other day i saw the shadows etc and i continued with my bath, however then another family member knocked on the door to see who it was cos my sister had to be awake by a certain time.. anyways.. when i got out the bath the shadow was there... now it werent the family member because they went out to work. yet if it was 'him' standing there they would have seen him when they came knocking.. wouldn't they?
this is really freakin me out.. is there something else?
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HopeFul
09-03-2009, 08:10 AM
I think you dont love your husband anymore. That is why you guys ahve problems. As weird as it may sound but seems like he loves you and cares for you and therefore he's possessive about you.

I think you need your space and dont like his over emotional type things, if he didnt love you he'd have been doing really bad things outside marrage until now.

What you need is prayers . try and think of his good things hes done for you. Pray to Allah to put love and respect in your heearts for each other ( all the couples should do that anyway) and pray for Allah to remove bad thoughts from your mind.

Do not think about the bad things, dont even tink of the waswaas. Sataan is trying to seperate you two.

Recite as much Quran as you can every day even if it is half a page. Try and do your salat on time.

When I am not regular with my salat or miss one or due to some reason stop reciting the qran, it has a bad affect on my wordly relations, my mental state and my physical state. How could one disobey Allah;s commands and yet have a perfect life? Unless theya re disbelievers

As for someone else or someone readn something on you, recite the following surahs:

Al Falaq,
An Nas

Every day 3 times in the morning and 3 times before bedtime. And whenever you think of these things or you think its true. These two Surahs have the power to avert any negative "reading", Alhamdolillah.

I hope that helped :)

May Allah put love and respect in your hearts for each other and may you both live happily for all your lived together, ameen.
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Afg
09-03-2009, 08:24 AM
I dont get it. Are you a sister or brother?

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...k-picture.html
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AnonymousPoster
09-03-2009, 08:36 AM
i;m a sister
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Amriki
09-03-2009, 08:37 AM
if all else fails try to read YA ALLAHU excessively throughout the day, it will get rid of suspicioun from your heart and maybe give u a clear head to think of what to do next.

Bismillah

Do you have some evidence from Quran or authentic hadith to support this piece of advice?
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Afg
09-03-2009, 10:32 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
i;m a sister
Ok, but why this? Just curious if you dont mind, its confusing.

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...k-picture.html
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nebula
09-03-2009, 10:36 AM
afg, the anonymous account can be used by anyone on the forum, that should clear up ur confusion.
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Afg
09-03-2009, 10:41 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by nebula
afg, the anonymous account can be used by anyone on the forum, that should clear up ur confusion.
Im sry, i really did not know that. How does it work?
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nebula
09-03-2009, 10:47 AM
http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...s-posting.html


look at that ^
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S_87
09-03-2009, 11:13 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
a really weird thing happened today.. hes like clockwork when it comes to coming outside the bathroom, today was as any other day i saw the shadows etc and i continued with my bath, however then another family member knocked on the door to see who it was cos my sister had to be awake by a certain time.. anyways.. when i got out the bath the shadow was there... now it werent the family member because they went out to work. yet if it was 'him' standing there they would have seen him when they came knocking.. wouldn't they?
this is really freakin me out.. is there something else?
so its NOT him? :hmm: or he was hiding? or what
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AnonymousPoster
09-03-2009, 11:26 AM
no idea imsad
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S_87
09-03-2009, 11:31 AM
well is there any way you could 'pretend' to start your bath and then when u see this shadow quickly open the door and check? because this is causing you suspicion which could really make a difference in you two solving your problems and if its NOT him... thats not very fair on him.
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AnonymousPoster
09-03-2009, 11:36 AM
well everytime ive pretended to open the door he speaks out as if he was there doin something.. rather than let him get away with it and his fob me with some lies i want findout for sure.. somehow..
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- IqRa -
09-03-2009, 11:40 AM
Just talk to him!
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cat eyes
09-03-2009, 06:44 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
Sister, the questions you're asking, only you can know or figure them out. Nobody on a forum can say what it is, without even being there.
exactly we cannot even begin to think of anything what he might be doing unless we are there.

as the other brothers and sisters advised you. prayers and reading holy qur'an is important seriously. you will become syco with this type of thinking and also you will give yourself health problems also. constantly thinking like this, do you know what it dose to your brain? it makes you weak and soar.

seriously speak with him to sort your insecurities out my darling
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Cabdullahi
09-04-2009, 10:03 AM
Because the sister has told us about something in a vague manner we have all decided to use our imagination to fill in the gaps in the story and that is haram only allah knows what he's getting up to

The only thing the sister can do now is to sit him down some place and ask him ''what is wrong''

People will through you into more confusion!
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