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markislam
08-30-2009, 07:46 PM
As all of you know iam a new muslim convert, i have not yet told my wife about my conversion.

But yesterday while we were driving i asked her what if i convert to islam and i will make my kid also follow Islam like me, she said no way i am not going to allow that, i will fight, i know she was serious in what she said. She said why do you want to leave christ :hiding:

My question is what should i do in situations like this.

Quran says the man is the head of the house but as all of you know, in this western countries women and men are both same. If i separate or get a divorce also the child will go to the mom. my dauter loves her mom more than me.

I also know that after you become a muslim you cant practise christmas or easter in the house, what will you do when your spouse is a chsristian.

It is so complicated :cry:
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AlbanianMuslim
08-31-2009, 01:21 AM
Aw im so sorry you are going through this. May Allahswt give you strength.

I think you should pray some more, and make Dua.
I think you should sit down and have a talk with your wife, start out by telling her how much you love and care about her. Tell her that you will show her why you "left christ" and became a muslim. Its going to be a rocky road, but inshallah you will reach a better place.

As for your daughter, im sure she loves you just as much. I love my dad SO MUCH, but i dont show as much as i do with my mom. I love them both equally though.
I think in the end, your daughter will be on the path Allah swt chose for her, teach her, guide her....your wife may be angered by it, but be strong.


I hope this advice helps you out a little, i cant imagine what you are going through. May God give you strength.
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Tony
08-31-2009, 03:07 AM
Make constant dua for your children, allow them to see you doing salaat, fasting etc, they will question you and follow your example as time goes on. As hard as it may be I would suggest the same for your wife, lead by example and pray Allah to grant you patience whilst you set that example.The hard line would be to just take them mosque at 7 etc, but I think you should not risk being away from or fighting about children as this will probably alienate them from Islam, if a divorce happens then still I would suggest the same. May Allah bring your wife to Islam, Ameen
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Eric H
08-31-2009, 05:24 AM
Greetings and peace be with you markislam;

There is no compulsion in religion, but I believe there is compulsion in marriage, especially with children. Too many children grow up with divorced parents, and it tears the children apart to see their parents fight and go their separate ways.

The same One God chooses whom he wills, but God seems to confound us, and upset us. God seemingly choosing different paths for us, and still he expects us to get on with each other despite all our differences. The same One God hears all our prayers, and knows what is in our hearts.

I know wonderful people who have gone through marriage with a partner from another faith, and they have both kept their respective faiths. There are enough struggles in marriage without turning religion into a major battleground.

Is it possible to give your wife the freedom to be a Good Christian and continue to love her also? Is it possible for your wife to give you the freedom to be a good Muslim and continue to love you also?

It is more possible for us to change ourselves, rather than change other people, that is in the hands of God. The children, like the rest of us are ultimately in the hands of God

In the spirit of praying for a greater interfaith friendship and love

Eric
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zakirs
08-31-2009, 09:21 AM
yeah dont start fighting.rather as some brother already said , make them curious about Islam.They will learn about it and Allah might show them the light :).

Also tell your betterhalf that you are not leaving jesus pbuh but following his true message :).
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Thinker
08-31-2009, 09:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
As all of you know iam a new muslim convert, i have not yet told my wife about my conversion.
Children need responsible parents.
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markislam
08-31-2009, 10:10 AM
I am a responsible parent, i take care of my family, but when it comes to telling my faith to my family this is not the time for me, I did Istikara prayer and i had a dream that i should not tell about it till a later time.
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glo
08-31-2009, 10:39 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
As all of you know iam a new muslim convert, i have not yet told my wife about my conversion.

But yesterday while we were driving i asked her what if i convert to islam and i will make my kid also follow Islam like me, she said no way i am not going to allow that, i will fight, i know she was serious in what she said. She said why do you want to leave christ :hiding:
If you are having those kind of conversations, then I am guessing your wife knows that something is going on with you ...

I would love to agree with Eric about interfaith marriages, but I think more often than not they cause very real tension and conflict ... and the more devout both partners are, the less giving they are likely to be to the religious and spiritual needs of the other.

If you start fighting over which faith your daughter should follow, you will potentially damage her trust in God completely and turn her away from religion alltogether ... imsad

Still, the only way for you is to tell your wife and family that you have converted.
I am wondering how you are managing to fast and pray without your wife knowing.

May God bless you and protect you both!
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GuestFellow
08-31-2009, 01:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Thinker
Children need responsible parents.
He sounds responsible to me. He is going through a very difficult time.

format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
I am a responsible parent, i take care of my family, but when it comes to telling my faith to my family this is not the time for me, I did Istikara prayer and i had a dream that i should not tell about it till a later time.
Oh you did Istikara. Now you have some guidance. When you feel the time is right then tell your wife that you have converted to Islam.

If i separate or get a divorce also the child will go to the mom. my dauter loves her mom more than me.
If things do not go well and your wife gets a divorce you will still be allowed to see your child on a weekly basis.
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Salahudeen
08-31-2009, 01:12 PM
hmm why don't you try educating her about Islam before telling her you've converted,

Do it indirectly ;D like say

"oh hun you'll never guess what I was watching this documentry on the T.V and it was saying that Islam acknowledges and believes in Jesus can you believe that?"

and tell her how both faiths share many things in common and it's possible they come from the same source God that's why they're similar.

And then tell her about prophet muhammed peace be upon him, maybe show her that film called "the message" and explain to her that he had no incentive to claim to be a prophet, because all the people of his city all turned against him and tortured his followers and forced him to leave. Don't forget to mention they offerred him money and women to give up preaching his message but he refused. There's no possible incentive for him to claim to be a prophet of God when you look at what he went through.

Maybe put those points 2 her indirectly so she doesn't suspect anything and tell her how you found it interesting to learn that the Qur'an speaks about Jesus and his mother Mary,

and tell her your confused why would a false prophet who was making his own religion feel the need to narrate the story of jesus and tell his followers to believe in jesus and the miraculous birth?

Inshallah if you explain 2 her and make dua she'll understand, say to her it makes no sense for god to send his son because it falls out of place with the trend of God, like he sent a long line of prophets and messengers before Jesus then all of a sudden he decideds to send his son??

doesn't make sense to me, what makes sense is they were all sent as messengers and prophets to their people to warn them and inform them of the truth. Try talking to her about it and just pretend your interested ;D

If you do it indirectly she probably won't suspect anything lol pretend you've got a Muslim friend at work who's telling you this then you can come home and say "oh you'll never guess what so and so told me today at work, he said Muslim's believe you should love for your brother what you love for yourself, can you believe that? and there was me thinking Islam preached bad stuff how foolish of me"

and just do it indirectly like this and she might not suspect anything lol :p
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Beardo
08-31-2009, 01:14 PM
Masha'Allah, he does sound responsible to me. May Allah Ta'ala make is easy for you. I think you should go forth by first telling your wife about your conversion. That is the most important, and if a negative outcome arises, then remember that it is a sacrifice. (But that's worst case scenario.) Insha'Allah her heart will soften towards Islam!
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markislam
08-31-2009, 06:12 PM
I dont know this thing bothers me a lot, but i will need lot of patience
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cat eyes
08-31-2009, 07:01 PM
if you had that dream then follow it. concentrate on your deen and become more knowledgeable so then when the time comes to tell your wife you will be confident and able to answer her every question especially about prophet jesus pbuh when she see's how confident you are and you know alot.. she will begin to think about it herself gradually of course with the help of books and showing her islamic video's also.

her mind will become attached after a while when you keep talking about it and she keeps hearing you say Allah is one and jesus was just a prophet of god only inshallaah of course you need to pray for her. Allah is with those who are patient. its clear to see that the christcian beliefs are instilled in her just like the way i use to be.. but when i kept reciting the meaning of the kalma i deeply reflected on it and accepted it after a while of course with help
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markislam
08-31-2009, 07:19 PM
what is deen ? yes that is what exactly i am going to gain more knowledge
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zakirs
08-31-2009, 07:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
what is deen ? yes that is what exactly i am going to gain more knowledge
We are with you bro :) .. All the best for your endeavor :) . May Allah make it easy for you
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Salahudeen
08-31-2009, 08:48 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by zakirs
We are with you bro :) .. All the best for your endeavor :) . May Allah make it easy for you


yes we are here for you, if she fires a question at you, that you don't know the answer too just ask :p
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Humbler_359
08-31-2009, 09:23 PM
:sl: Mark,

How ya doing, bro? :statisfie Be positive and joyful everyday.

Regarding this situation with your wife, just try to discuss basic about religion (Christian belief vs Islam belief), why it is different, what's the purpose of this life? You can discuss with her step by step, show verses in exchange. Don't need to jump pushing her on everything. I am pretty sure, she will be overwhelmed deeply about religions. She could be confused and don't know what to do.

For me, I did same thing with my spouse, it worked well. I printed out, I ordered the book, I bought DVD, I research deeply myself to proof her wrong, and I observe her church and learn and learn and learn everyday.

Let her research (make sure right informations) and read/buy books. Open her eyes and think about it. Let her see your devot actions. Encourage her to join community online to ask many questions in any doubts. Only sisters members here: www.muslimmomscafe.com/

This wouldn't lead her to revert automatically, i would say 6-8 months for understanding clearly. It is depending.

I hardly doubt that she want you to divorce next day, she maybe assume Islam is bad thing maybe and never heard of it before. As your role model husband, just try make her understand in a polite way.

Hope this help. :D
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Tony
08-31-2009, 10:08 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
I dont know this thing bothers me a lot, but i will need lot of patience
And may Allah grant it to you brother, Ameen
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Sampharo
09-05-2009, 06:14 PM
Dear MarkIslam,

The prophet -pbuh- said: "The religion of God is deep, tread gently". This was a message to all of us to understand that a simple desire or a decision to be a good muslim does not produce OVERNIGHT a knowledgable near-perfect pious worshiper of God who walks the streets telling his neighbors and family what is right and what is wrong and does them all with ease and pleasure. It takes time, and time, and patience, and learning, and making mistakes, and then some more time. When the prophet -pbuh- used to send the companions to spread Islam, he ordered them to be gentle and to be gradual. He told them to tell the people of the message, that there is one God, and that he calls on people to hold on to the best of value and morals and let go of the worst. The prophet told them, when they accept, to inform them of their obligation to pray and to teach them. WHen they accept, they should tell them of the tithe (zakat) that they should pay and Ramadan that they should fast. When they accept, he should then tell them of halal and haram, and gradually introduce the major deeds and forbid the major sins and then work with the minor ones.

You converted shortly, there's no reason to expect that co-incidentaly your wife would have the same inspiration. She might need time to adopt, to accept. So the first thing you need to know and understand, that there is no rush right now to think about your daughter and her religion or your wife and her religion. When you decide to tell her, just tell her you have become muslim, and that there is no problem at all in him being married to her and being father of their child. Tell her you "found Mohammed, and did not lose Jesus" as well in order to put an end to the whole Jesus story. Take things gradually and do not show radical changes in your appearance or behaviour. Just start praying five times a day, and actualy show her that you are a much happier man and that you are gentler with her and your child. Do that for now for months if you have to, and answer her questions as she will have many.

The worst thing you can do is to start tackling on the minor issues of avoiding celebrations that are related to her religion and making her feel that you are alienating her. Not having easter in your house is not an obligation upon which you can risk your household, it hasn't been agreed upon by all scholars to start with, and even if it is it's not a major sin. Christians are allowed to have their celebrations so if you start saying this is my house and I won't allow it, you did more harm than good to your relationship and you did more harm than good to Islam by possibly putting her off of it. God says in the Quran "It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Were you severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment)." (3:159)

You (or others) might think I am being complacent about Islam and religion by suggesting these things, well I actually got this advice for your special situation from Ahl Al-Hadith forum which is the official forum for Saudi scholars, who are most pious and strict and more importantly knowledgable sheikhs and scholars. They said new muslims tend to be over-enthusiastic where they might want to do EVERYTHING right, and right away. A person like that will most probably fail in several things, make mistakes in others, feel frustrated or unconfident or doubt themselves, and in some cases feel that "Islam is just too hard!" and back out equally fast. Some of the effects of this is that they project such frustration on their family or surrounding relatives or friends.

So as for your wife, don't worry, just as you took time, she might need time, but always be gentle and loving and completely independent with your religion without trying to dangle it as an expectation that she needs to comply with. Don't even discuss anything about the daughter's religion for now. When christmas or easter come, let them have it, and sit in and don't boycot it. For yourself, take it easy and discover this religion gradually, and may God bless your whole existence with his mercy and acceptance. :statisfie
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Al Ansari
09-05-2009, 06:43 PM
^
assalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah.

This above advice given is 'Gold' my brother. I felt in a way that you were speaking to me as well. I cannot emphasis the importance of being gradual and being kind. The Beloved Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was very meticulous about Islaam and he had the perfect akhlaaq (character).

I would recommend also read about the Prophet's (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) life. As I cannot add anything to what brother Sampharo as put forth-all I can say is that he is right and I have first hand experience. Especially with my wife.

WAllaahu a'lam

Fi amaan ilah
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markislam
09-06-2009, 09:44 AM
It is a good advice but the problem with it is , once we have this mentality that what others do is ok and we allow it and slowly we start feeling it is alright to do this haraam stuff. That is how our mind works.

I never used to curse and when i was a christian then some one said , there is nothing wrong with making friends who curse all the time, try to show them christ through you and in the end i started using curse words after a few years.
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Sampharo
09-06-2009, 02:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by markislam
It is a good advice but the problem with it is , once we have this mentality that what others do is ok and we allow it and slowly we start feeling it is alright to do this haraam stuff. That is how our mind works.
Nobody asks you to gain the mentality that what others do is ok. What we are telling you is to not get on an over-enthusiasm about your new found direction to God and the truth and then start setting boundaries for other people and judgement lines for them to be labeled sinners if they don't follow suit.

Let yourself settle in Islam first, enjoy it, get it right and forget about your wife and child's religion for now. They will come around if and when they do. Even the son of Noah did not go with him on the ark so you cannot force anyone to adopt a belief if they're not ready for it, and prophets are given great knowledge and support to deliver the message, you may do a lot more harm than good if you start wanting to set new rules and laws in your home based on what you just learned.

Give it a few months and then you will know how to attract them towards Islam, and most probably they will respond to the easy-going husband who improved and showed he's a gentler happier person than they will ever be to the short Abaya-wearing christmas-bashing frustrated man, frustrated probably because he doesn't fully understand what a misguided fellow muslim told him regarding "eat with your fingers and don't use the fork and knife" was all about and feels he's not doing what he's supposed to.

Salam Alaikom brother
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markislam
09-06-2009, 09:11 PM
walekum asalam
thanks :) even a brother at mosque told the same thing today :)
i better give time and not worry about wife and kids
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Rasema
09-07-2009, 03:50 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Thinker
Children need responsible parents.
Yep, the kind that guide children to not live according to their desires.
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mysticalrain
09-07-2009, 03:59 AM
I think you just dug yourself a deep and pitless hole. You're just going to have to tell your wife and do NOT force ANYTHING upon your kids, let them be how they are.
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Rasema
09-07-2009, 04:12 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by mysticalrain
I think you just dug yourself a deep and pitless hole. You're just going to have to tell your wife and do NOT force ANYTHING upon your kids, let them be how they are.
Sorry, irresponsible. You shouldn't force your kid something but neither should you let them do whatever they want. Just guessing.
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mysticalrain
09-07-2009, 05:11 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Rasema
Sorry, irresponsible. You shouldn't force your kid something but neither should you let them do whatever they want. Just guessing.

You understand what I said. He should leave his kids be!! Do not even suggest to them anything!! Raise them secular as a halfway deal, if he starts raising them islamic then his wife will be pissed :raging:
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Rasema
09-07-2009, 07:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by mysticalrain
You understand what I said. He should leave his kids be!! Do not even suggest to them anything!! Raise them secular as a halfway deal, if he starts raising them islamic then his wife will be pissed :raging:
Seriously, you can't let your kids just be. You have to lecture them.
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mysticalrain
09-09-2009, 02:02 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Rasema
Seriously, you can't let your kids just be. You have to lecture them.
How men? By shoving religion down the throat??????

My father and mother parents raised me freethinker. I be spiritualism, muslim, christian, jew, atheist, doesn't matter i'm their son and a human being and a person first and not a religious title :p

Just let the childs be, this is best years of life.... let the seeds grow and enjoy the planet around them.
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جوري
09-09-2009, 02:40 AM
children need structure, definition, and rules, the same way they need proper schooling food on the table and sports to Chanel their energy.
Who is to say the way your parents raised you is correct or that you turned out all right? just following your posts around, you appear to be one who kowtows to authority, in a constant state of vacillation, unable to construct your time so that you are both productive at work you spiritual life or other aspects of your life, you seem indecisive, pushy, poorly tempered with a labile affect... is this what you are advising others to raise their kids with, because in your mind it is the 'best'?

You don't know the first thing about Islam to understand it as a complete system that governs the affairs to propose the introduction of lesser systems as a better a way of life. To begin with I have no idea what your base line is.. And further go on to assume, that the OP is equally ductile that a half thought advise will be lapped up and enforced...

why not give them up to social services, or grow some weed for weekend herbing, or worship some devils, after all letting them be is the best thing...

It is good to lead by example, children get their first impressions and introduction to what is appropriate from their parents.. best that the parents be on the best character and to define for them that having principal and standing by it, means a whole lot more than 'not pissing off your wife'

all the best
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syilla
09-09-2009, 02:49 AM
Teaching islam to children is not that hard...

Is like telling them the importance of there is only one god, the cleanliness, to respect the elders, to respect the parents, not to lie, to always help the poor, to have the best manners and etc
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blazingflames17
09-10-2009, 09:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
children need structure, definition, and rules, the same way they need proper schooling food on the table and sports to Chanel their energy.
Who is to say the way your parents raised you is correct or that you turned out all right? just following your posts around, you appear to be one who kowtows to authority, in a constant state of vacillation, unable to construct your time so that you are both productive at work you spiritual life or other aspects of your life, you seem indecisive, pushy, poorly tempered with a labile affect... is this what you are advising others to raise their kids with, because in your mind it is the 'best'?

You don't know the first thing about Islam to understand it as a complete system that governs the affairs to propose the introduction of lesser systems as a better a way of life. To begin with I have no idea what your base line is.. And further go on to assume, that the OP is equally ductile that a half thought advise will be lapped up and enforced...

why not give them up to social services, or grow some weed for weekend herbing, or worship some devils, after all letting them be is the best thing...

It is good to lead by example, children get their first impressions and introduction to what is appropriate from their parents.. best that the parents be on the best character and to define for them that having principal and standing by it, means a whole lot more than 'not pissing off your wife'

all the best
With all respect, you're ignorant if you judge me based on a username or a few posts I make. You do not know me as a person, and probably never will. It's hard for me to speak English, and I'm still learning about Islam. I'm getting better at both though, very fast.

I know Islam is perfect, never said otherwise! I was trying to say that blind indoctrination is not the answer to his problem he is facing. Besides, he would face big problems with is wife if he converted his children to Islam, based on what he typed.

And yes, I know about Islam, but there is so much to know that I'm still learning! Be nice to a newbie!

As for my beliefs: I'm somewhat reclusive, pro environment, love animals, pro Islam, anti hate speech and racist, anti drugs, anti intoxicants, and pro multiculturalist. People have different definitions of 'right' and 'wrong' Gossamer Skye, it all depends on their current life and upbringing. But Islam is definitely most great :Crescent:
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جوري
09-11-2009, 01:20 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by blazingflames17
With all respect, you're ignorant if you judge me based on a username or a few posts I make. You do not know me as a person, and probably never will. It's hard for me to speak English, and I'm still learning about Islam. I'm getting better at both though, very fast.
Are you 'mysticalrain'?


all the best
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blazingflames17
09-11-2009, 06:50 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
Are you 'mysticalrain'?


all the best
Yes.

I had some email troubles and forgot the password as I have many other accounts with passwords all over the place, you know how it is.

So now I'm back with improved English, less frustration, and a new account.
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