feeling really frustrated

[believer83]

salaam alaikum

I needed some advice and came upon this website. I am a female in my early twenties. I have recently decided to become a better Muslim...in the past few years I noticed that I was getting a little far from Allah.

Well...one of my major problems is this guy that I thought I wanted to marry. He is Sunni and I am Shia. He told me that if I want to marry him that I have to convert and be Sunni. I told him that i think Muslims are Muslims. There are no major differences that I know of. I just wanted everyone's opinion on this subject.

Second of all, one of the major reasons I thought I liked him was because I thought he was really religious. Im starting to feel like this is not the case. He uses manipulation games on me all the time and I feel so hurt. He wanted to know if I had ever been intimate with another guy and I told him no. He then told me this story about how he had been intimate with this girl..and that he would not mind if I had been with others. I told him..i did not lie to you. I haven't been intimate with any others. He then tells me that he made that story up just so I would feel comfortable confessing anything to him. I thought that was really really wrong of him. He fails to see that he did anything wrong though. He makes up stories like this all the time whenever he thinks that I am lying to him so that he can get the truth. He has serious trust issues.

The second thing that made me really upset is that he installed some kind of personal gps tracking software on my cell phone without me knowing so that he could track my location 24/7. I didnt know he had done it at first for a few weeks. Whenever he called, he would ask me where I was...which I thought was odd. A few days ago..i found out what he had done. I had not lied to him at all during these few weeks. I got very upset with him.... he tells me that he just cant trust me and that if I have nothing to hide then I should be ok with it.

I just don't think I can marry him anymore at this point. If he at least realized what he was doing was wrong....i could at least accept it. The problem is that he thinks what he is doing is acceptable. HE tells me constantly that I am too americanized and that im a bad person and he puts me down all the time. I know I could be a better Muslim and I am really trying. I just dont think I deserve all of this. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I was really happy to be marrying him and starting a family, but now....I feel soo confused!!! Is it too much to ask for trust??

[Dattera]

Wa'aleykumsalam

He's wrong if he thinks that what he is doing is right. Everyone has a right to be trusted and it doesn't look like he believes in that. Besides, you don't need to be with a person who's putting you down all the time. That's just horrible. Marriage is about happiness too.

All I can say is pray salatul istikhara. Only you can make a decision on what to do and by praying this prayer and asking Allah to help you will seriously help. This does really work.

[S_87]

he sounds like hes got some major trust issues, but him being sunni and you being a shia (what kind are you if you dont mind my asking) ..well thats some major aqeedah difference

[Al Ansari]

assalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah,

I believe that the brother should take your word; however, I do not agree with him resorting to lying about himself. How do you know that he is not lying now? I mean it is a can of worms and the shaytaan can easily cause confusion in your minds. It is not a good start, but I assume he wants to be sure.


Wa Allaahu alim

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[cat eyes]

salaam alaikum

I needed some advice and came upon this website. I am a female in my early twenties. I have recently decided to become a better Muslim...in the past few years I noticed that I was getting a little far from Allah.

Well...one of my major problems is this guy that I thought I wanted to marry. He is Sunni and I am Shia. He told me that if I want to marry him that I have to convert and be Sunni. I told him that i think Muslims are Muslims. There are no major differences that I know of. I just wanted everyone's opinion on this subject.

Second of all, one of the major reasons I thought I liked him was because I thought he was really religious. Im starting to feel like this is not the case. He uses manipulation games on me all the time and I feel so hurt. He wanted to know if I had ever been intimate with another guy and I told him no. He then told me this story about how he had been intimate with this girl..and that he would not mind if I had been with others. I told him..i did not lie to you. I haven't been intimate with any others. He then tells me that he made that story up just so I would feel comfortable confessing anything to him. I thought that was really really wrong of him. He fails to see that he did anything wrong though. He makes up stories like this all the time whenever he thinks that I am lying to him so that he can get the truth. He has serious trust issues.

The second thing that made me really upset is that he installed some kind of personal gps tracking software on my cell phone without me knowing so that he could track my location 24/7. I didnt know he had done it at first for a few weeks. Whenever he called, he would ask me where I was...which I thought was odd. A few days ago..i found out what he had done. I had not lied to him at all during these few weeks. I got very upset with him.... he tells me that he just cant trust me and that if I have nothing to hide then I should be ok with it.

I just don't think I can marry him anymore at this point. If he at least realized what he was doing was wrong....i could at least accept it. The problem is that he thinks what he is doing is acceptable. HE tells me constantly that I am too americanized and that im a bad person and he puts me down all the time. I know I could be a better Muslim and I am really trying. I just dont think I deserve all of this. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I was really happy to be marrying him and starting a family, but now....I feel soo confused!!! Is it too much to ask for trust??

thats so silly. he could have asked you straight forward like any other person that are you a virgin instead of playing all these stupid games which involve lies and another major thing is he is judging you. when somebody is telling you that you are not good all the time and he puts you down this is mental abuse so after sometime you will start to believe it. then the worst thing he did was install a tracking device in your fone thats another very syco thing which he did. i think this man is no match for you. this is all very annoying all together. i think i would smack him now come on imagine what he will be like after marriage? you never know what other person he could turn into. so i would just break it off here. your right also this man cannot be religious. he is doing all the wrong things, meeting up with you alone an stuf also without a mahram..

[IbnAbdulHakim]

the amount of things wrong in your post on BOTH YOUR PARTS is just amazing.



i'd be shocked if any good comes from marriage with this guy (in the long run i mean)



you wanna be a good muslimah?

start fresh - START COMPLETELY HALAL !


and learn your religion more deeply so that your fear of Allah increases ! And decide if sunni or shia is the correct way for you.




Assalamu Alaikum

[believer83]

fightingforIman- CAn you tell me what im doing wrong? You said in your post that I'm to blame. i would like to know what it is that I am doing wrong. thanks

Thanks everyone for your advice.

[Reticent]

Asalaam alaikum Sister,

First things first, alhamdulilah, Allah has put it in your heart to turn towards Him. That in itself is a blessing.

Secondly, the fact that you are looking to marry and not date, is again commendable (May Allah reward you - ameen).

Next, it sounds like from your initial email, that you already realise the potential difficulties that marriage to such an individual could cause. From what I can gather based on what you have stated, he appears to be insecure (putting a GPS tracker on your cellphone?) and does not fully appear to appreciate the implications of marriage and the love, trust and honesty that it involves. Just remember, abuse is not just physical, it can be mental also. I'm sure there may be some positive elements but only you can decide.

Again, you are probably 24/25, still young :D mashallah and starting on the path of Deen. Set yourself some basic criteria for marriage, religion is a good choice but please please familiarise yourself with the character of the potential husband. Remember, this will be the person closest to you, a friend, carer, helper, husband, protector and a shoulder to lean on.

In terms of your deen, the fact tht you are Shia and he is Sunni means that there could be fundemental differences in your basic beleifs (aqeedah) which will impact your relationship later on - also how would you raise your kids? Sunni or Shia?

In any case, may Allah make this path easier for you, give you patience/steadfastness in hardships and gratitude during the good times.

My prayers are with you....

"They who weep for anything other than Allah - spend their time foolishly"

[believer83]

I am Shia, however, I definetly don't believe or practice temporary marriage. My family raised me knowing that was wrong and sinful.

[Bub]

i feel like as if he is playing a game with you, leave him for what he has treated u... i will make a du'a for you, insha'Allah

[IbnAbdulHakim]

fightingforIman- CAn you tell me what im doing wrong? You said in your post that I'm to blame. i would like to know what it is that I am doing wrong. thanks

Thanks everyone for your advice.

intimacy before marriage = veeeeeery wrong

[believer83]

are u serious? Where in my post did I EVER say that I was intimate with him? I have never been intimate with anyone. I don't think you should be so quick to judge people.

[true_muslimmah]

are u serious? Where in my post did I EVER say that I was intimate with him? I have never been intimate with anyone. I don't think you should be so quick to judge people.

Maybe she meant that you have been seeing him without ur mahram present...??? :X

[IbnAbdulHakim]

are u serious? Where in my post did I EVER say that I was intimate with him? I have never been intimate with anyone. I don't think you should be so quick to judge people.

wat the?

you mean someone you've NEVER been intimate with had access to track your mobile phone and always ask you where you are etc etc? and this person isnt even related?


good grief !

[Snowflake]

:sl:-To be fair, just because the man had access to the sister's phone it does not imply she had relations of the intimate kind with him.

However sister, if you don't know, then we can tell you know that meeting a man without your mahram is haram and I think this is what brother Fighting4Imaan was referring to. Sometimes, due to ignorance muslims think meeting the opposite gender is permissable as long as they refrain from committing haram acts.

Peace and 70 excuses inshaAllah...

HE tells me constantly that I am too americanized and that im a bad person and he puts me down all the time. I know I could be a better Muslim and I am really trying. I just dont think I deserve all of this.

The first thing to do is stop meeting him straight away. Secondly, just reading your post was giving me goosebumps. This man has said he does not trust you. He puts you down. He spys on you. As if those reasons aren't strong enough for you to back off, sometimes even seeing is not believing and if you do marry someone who is suspicious to this extent, there is a strong possibility that one day you could be wrongfully accused of something awful and divorced on the spot.

Marry someone who is righteous. The one who is honest and fears Allah. These are the kinds of reasons you should want to marry someone for. I don't see any reason for you to marry this man. Astaghfirullah. :wa:

[zakirs]

Sis :sl:

I would say a muslim is a muslim and rest of it doesnt matter (regarding sects) as long as they follow the Quran and sunna.

Regarding your friend.i think he has serious trust issues sis , and what ever you decide think well before deciding,

may Allah helps you in your effort sis :)

[abu_musab461]

I am Shia, however, I definetly don't believe or practice temporary marriage. My family raised me knowing that was wrong and sinful.

believer83- i believe you are sincere and honestly seeking to be a good muslim so the below is not direct at you specifically, rather its something you need to know for your own safety....

A person can call them selves shia of sunni, but the key issue is your Aqeeda- belief.

You can be a sunni but still be a mushrik by believe that the prophet (pbuh) is created from light of light of Allah- which is a statement of shirk.

Or believe that the Awliya of Allah (swt) know everything that happens in the heavens and the earth, or have knowledge of the unseen and this is kufr.

So being sunni doesnt mean you are rightly guided or that your even muslim.

Like wise, i believe the Imams of the shia are kuffar- but the follows or general laymen can be muslim or kafir depending upon thier beleif.

One common belief that some shia have is that the Decree of Allah (swt) about everything that will happen on the earth decends in the house of Ali (ra) or upon his family, and if they/ he (ra) decide it should happen then it does otherwise it doesnt.

This is major shirk in the tauheed of Allah (swt)

The Imami Shia do not believe in or accept authentic texts such as Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Sunan Abu Dawood or others.

And go further than that to curse, insult and even call the closest friends and companions of the prophet (pbuh) Abu Bakr and Umar khattab (ra) mushirk and hypocrites etc.

And they accuse Aisha of committing zina after Allah (swt) purified her of such accusations. So indirectly they are doing what Iblis did which is to imply that Allah (swt) is wrong and they are right.

So there is a lot of evil stuff in the shia doctrine, all comes down to what you believe.

Allah Knows Best

[Sampharo]

Brother Abu Musaab is right,

Aside from the plain obvious that this brother seems to be paranoid and deceitful and no good for any girl, and that he may be Sunni yet carrying around beliefs and behaviours that scar his faith and status as a muslim, aside from all that you being a Shia is not just a small issue that shouldn't be dealt with, and Mutaa marriage is nothing compared to other great failures Shia Imamiya carry in their doctrine that practically nullifies faith.

If you are a reasonable person you need to open your mind to the fact that God's religion cannot have mistakes, and therefore when you yourself feel with your natural instinct that something such as Mutaa marriage is wrong and sinful yet the Shia clerics are encouraging it and pushing it and constantly come up with different stories as to why it should remain, that should tell you at the very least there is something not right.

However, in relation to your own question, I still think that as a person this man is not a trustworthy person to start with and you should seek a marriage partner elsewhere, and if you're seeking God truthfully, you should insha Allah find him. There is a supplication I believe: "God show me the truth as truth and provide me with the ability to follow it, and show me falsehood as falsehood and provide me its avoidance" You can also say "God grant me your true guidance and leave me not to people's misguidance."

Wassalamu Alaikom

[believer83]

hello

I am Shia and I have never heard any of the stuff you guys are saying. I definetly don't believe in temporary marriage... my dad told me it was an outdated practice that some people chose to bring to the present.

I do agree that some Shias do believe different things..but not me and my family. I was brought up being taught that the primary difference is over who should lead. The basics are still pretty much the same..although there are minor differences.

I grew up in a small town where there was only one masjid in the whole city. It was a Sunni masjid and I went there from a small child till I was about 16 years old... I never learned anything there that struck me as being different than what I was thought. Maybe it was because I was young and we were just being taught the basics.

[believer83]

I am still new to this........... I'm not sure how to go back and edit my post.

thought=taught

[zakirs]

Sis how about doing an istikhara prayer.?

details can be found here

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...-guidance.html

[Sari]

This person sounds like very bad news, how could you ever have a good marriage with him. He doesn't trust you at all. Please do not get further involved with him, these kind of people often get angry and violent too, i'm not saying he will, but these are signs.

[Sampharo]

I was brought up being taught that the primary difference is over who should lead. The basics are still pretty much the same..although there are minor differences.

Al-Hamdolellah that this is all. Perhaps your family is Zaidi. You should however search for the truth yourself, because Shia beliefs are deeper than that and can scar your whole position as a muslim.

As for the guy, I think you can see overwhelming support for the idea of leaving him here. Good luck with that.

Salam

[anonymous]

believer83- i believe you are sincere and honestly seeking to be a good muslim so the below is not direct at you specifically, rather its something you need to know for your own safety....

A person can call them selves shia of sunni, but the key issue is your Aqeeda- belief.

You can be a sunni but still be a mushrik by believe that the prophet (pbuh) is created from light of light of Allah- which is a statement of shirk.

Or believe that the Awliya of Allah (swt) know everything that happens in the heavens and the earth, or have knowledge of the unseen and this is kufr.

So being sunni doesnt mean you are rightly guided or that your even muslim.

Like wise, i believe the Imams of the shia are kuffar- but the follows or general laymen can be muslim or kafir depending upon thier beleif.

One common belief that some shia have is that the Decree of Allah (swt) about everything that will happen on the earth decends in the house of Ali (ra) or upon his family, and if they/ he (ra) decide it should happen then it does otherwise it doesnt.

This is major shirk in the tauheed of Allah (swt)

The Imami Shia do not believe in or accept authentic texts such as Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Sunan Abu Dawood or others.

And go further than that to curse, insult and even call the closest friends and companions of the prophet (pbuh) Abu Bakr and Umar khattab (ra) mushirk and hypocrites etc.

And they accuse Aisha of committing zina after Allah (swt) purified her of such accusations. So indirectly they are doing what Iblis did which is to imply that Allah (swt) is wrong and they are right.

So there is a lot of evil stuff in the shia doctrine, all comes down to what you believe.

Allah Knows Best

Brother Abu Musaab is right,

Aside from the plain obvious that this brother seems to be paranoid and deceitful and no good for any girl, and that he may be Sunni yet carrying around beliefs and behaviours that scar his faith and status as a muslim, aside from all that you being a Shia is not just a small issue that shouldn't be dealt with, and Mutaa marriage is nothing compared to other great failures Shia Imamiya carry in their doctrine that practically nullifies faith.

If you are a reasonable person you need to open your mind to the fact that God's religion cannot have mistakes, and therefore when you yourself feel with your natural instinct that something such as Mutaa marriage is wrong and sinful yet the Shia clerics are encouraging it and pushing it and constantly come up with different stories as to why it should remain, that should tell you at the very least there is something not right.

However, in relation to your own question, I still think that as a person this man is not a trustworthy person to start with and you should seek a marriage partner elsewhere, and if you're seeking God truthfully, you should insha Allah find him. There is a supplication I believe: "God show me the truth as truth and provide me with the ability to follow it, and show me falsehood as falsehood and provide me its avoidance" You can also say "God grant me your true guidance and leave me not to people's misguidance."

Wassalamu Alaikom

I am not shia.

But, this guy is obviously no good for you sis. He has trust issues, and these will remain after you marry him. So its best you should end this and stop every communication with him. Unless he si willing to change, for real. HE is willing to change for good, not just temp.