Need some advice :(

[AnonymousPoster]

Selam to all...

Im very sad lately. I met a guy a few months ago, everything was halall! We were never alone together. In fact he lives 3 hours away.
We got to know each other quite a bit, and he seemed so great. He prays 5 times a day, fasts, doesnt drink....he talked so respectfully. Never disrespected me in any way during the time we talked.
When i reached the point where i felt that i wanted it to be more, i told him he can come meet my father.
He came to meet my dad, but shortly after he met my dad (the meeting went very well) he disapeared. He hasnt called or emailed. I called him once after the meeting with the intetion to tell him that my dad liked him but he didnt pick up. My parents always told me to never chase anyone so i didnt call him again or email him.

Im sad and disapointed. Even if he does eventually call i wont be picking up. I feel that it was very disrespectful of him to not even take a few mintues to say "this isnt going to go anywhere, it was nice knowing you"
If he had said that, yes i would have been a little disapointed but at least i would have gotten some respect.

imsad
I feel like i did something wrong.....is there any advice or anything anyone can give me about this? Did i do wrong? How do i bounce back from this?

[The Ruler]

So you always had a mahram present when you met him/spoke to him?

As for how to 'bounce back', allow time to heal you. Or find something that enables you to forget. Really, advice like this is sprinkled all over the counselling section. All you have to do is randomly click any heartbreak thread. And there're lots of those.

G'day.

[Rasema]

:sl:

I like the way you think. Good job.

You'll get over it. ;D

[Zarmina]

How old is he? Perhaps, he is not mature enough and not ready for marriage.

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[cat eyes]

Selam to all...

Im very sad lately. I met a guy a few months ago, everything was halall! We were never alone together. In fact he lives 3 hours away.
We got to know each other quite a bit, and he seemed so great. He prays 5 times a day, fasts, doesnt drink....he talked so respectfully. Never disrespected me in any way during the time we talked.
When i reached the point where i felt that i wanted it to be more, i told him he can come meet my father.
He came to meet my dad, but shortly after he met my dad (the meeting went very well) he disapeared. He hasnt called or emailed. I called him once after the meeting with the intetion to tell him that my dad liked him but he didnt pick up. My parents always told me to never chase anyone so i didnt call him again or email him.

Im sad and disapointed. Even if he does eventually call i wont be picking up. I feel that it was very disrespectful of him to not even take a few mintues to say "this isnt going to go anywhere, it was nice knowing you"
If he had said that, yes i would have been a little disapointed but at least i would have gotten some respect.

imsad
I feel like i did something wrong.....is there any advice or anything anyone can give me about this? Did i do wrong? How do i bounce back from this?

sis its obvious he don't want to go further into contacting you because he dose not want to get your hopes up of a possible marriage. probably he wanted to meet your dad because he did not want to upset or hurt you by saying no i am not interested.. look sisters you will have to learn how to not get attached to guys emotionally. its a road to misery

[AnonymousPoster]

Yes we always had a "mahram" present.
Im not of arab decent so its hard for me to meet people.

I wasnt emotionally attatched. Im not heartbroken. Im more...insulted in a way. In my culture even when the answer is no, you must say so and be respectful about it.
My father even gave them a big meal to go because they drove here while they were fasting and Iftar would come while they were still on the road.
We were very hospitable to them.

The whole reason he even talked to me in the first place was because he was interested in marriage. He is turning 28, if hes not mature now, he may never be.


I just feel sad in front of my dad now, because he still follows the old traditions and it was hard for him to meet a guy that was interested in his only daughter.

Sorry i made a thread since there is so many other threads...

[AnonymousPoster]

let me just clarify the "hard for me to meet people" i should hav said, im not of a decent that the majority is muslim.
i come from a culture that 90% of the people follow the Catholic faith, and not many arabs or pakis or any other nationality thats a majority following islam will give me the time of day since im not of their culture.

this guy was of the same culture so i was excited. oh well.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Aw youll be ok honey!

Who knows what made him do it. Its good that you didnt chase him! Never ever chase anyone. It wasnt your fault, maybe he just realized he couldnt go through with it.

[Muhaba]

My advice is that if he calls in the near future, answer and let him explain. Maybe he needs time to think it over? Maybe he doesn't want to say anything during Ramadan, because that might raise emotions etc when he knows marriage is in the near future & he may not want that during Ramadan. Maybe he has gone for Umrah or something. If he doesn't call about two weeks after eid, then expect that it's over and move on. In the mean time do Istikhaara and leave the rest to Allah. If he's good for you, you two will get married insha-Allah and if not, then Allah will give you someone better.

[AlbanianMuslim]

2 weeks? im sorry muhaba, dear, but your giving this guy a lot more than he deserves!!
no way....he met her father!!! .....if a guy came and met my dad and then disapeared without so much as saying "i need time to think it over"....then hes done for me. Theres no excuse to just drop off the face of the earth after meeting someones father! thats a huge deal. there is so much technology out there, he might have sent an email, a text, anything without involving any emotion.



if he calls you, if i was you, id tell him that you are no longer interested.
i hate men who think they can just toy with a girl and then leave whenever they feel theyre getting in too deep.

so gentlemen! if you intend to talk to a girl, dont bother if your not gonna giv her some respect!

[Humbler_359]

2 weeks? im sorry muhaba, dear, but your giving this guy a lot more than he deserves!!
no way....he met her father!!! .....if a guy came and met my dad and then disapeared without so much as saying "i need time to think it over"....then hes done for me. Theres no excuse to just drop off the face of the earth after meeting someones father! thats a huge deal. there is so much technology out there, he might have sent an email, a text, anything without involving any emotion.



if he calls you, if i was you, id tell him that you are no longer interested.
i hate men who think they can just toy with a girl and then leave whenever they feel theyre getting in too deep.

so gentlemen! if you intend to talk to a girl, dont bother if your not gonna giv her some respect!

You are making good point, Lol. I myself man, I don't know what he thinks in disappear. I believe that he is not interested in going further. He shouldn't say "interested in marriage in first place"that would give wrong impression but he should meet your family in any discussion and getting to know each other. I think, there is something disagreement with your father in conversation, I don't know.

If i were him, I met your father already and nice meal in your home. I would definitely to discuss with him more about future, plan, marriage,location, job, etc. Thank you for your time and nice meal I enjoyed.

I know, it hurt our sister's feeling but just take your time and get over with it. Forget him!.....get lost.:hiding:

[Humbler_359]

let me just clarify the "hard for me to meet people" i should hav said, im not of a decent that the majority is muslim.
i come from a culture that 90% of the people follow the Catholic faith, and not many arabs or pakis or any other nationality thats a majority following islam will give me the time of day since im not of their culture.

this guy was of the same culture so i was excited. oh well.

:sl:,

I am disappointed in your word "pakis" Who is pakis? It sound very inappropriate, insult and attitude toward us. Western media need to learn respect us. Pakistani is officially much appropriate and respect, not pakis or brit (British) or others.

Furthermore, Pakistan is only Muslim strong country in the world with advanced nuclear technology and much more developing.

All the best...

[cat eyes]

2 weeks? im sorry muhaba, dear, but your giving this guy a lot more than he deserves!!
no way....he met her father!!! .....if a guy came and met my dad and then disapeared without so much as saying "i need time to think it over"....then hes done for me. Theres no excuse to just drop off the face of the earth after meeting someones father! thats a huge deal. there is so much technology out there, he might have sent an email, a text, anything without involving any emotion.



if he calls you, if i was you, id tell him that you are no longer interested.
i hate men who think they can just toy with a girl and then leave whenever they feel theyre getting in too deep.

so gentlemen! if you intend to talk to a girl, dont bother if your not gonna giv her some respect!

yeah exactly. i mean was it so hard to send a text to say thank you i enjoyed. and he could have easily told you lets not talk till after ramadan.
But ignoring somebody like that says alot about this guys character really. you should forget about him. a decent muslim probably would have went as far as to text your dad for the lovely meal. ya know what im sayen thats the way you treat your elders also! thats what my dad would expect anyway at least a call or anything! he is probably a player:raging: :grumbling

[Muhaba]

brothers & sisters, I didn't say she should readily accept him if he calls. but not answering the phone will not help, she'll always wonder later on what he had to say, would it have worked etc. It's up to her what she decides to do but imo it would be a good idea to answer his phone call if he calls soon enough and let him explain why he didn't call or email sooner. If his reason is good enough and he can back it up with proof, then she can give him a chance. if he seems to be just making excuses then tell him it's over.

Brother Humbler is also correct that she should find out what was said between her father and him. Was she present in the meeting? Did she talk to her father about what they said to each other? Could he have mentioned to her father that he was going away for a while, etc.

Sometimes there's no communication between the male members and the girl in some cultures so it may be that her father didn't tell her what they talked about, etc.

[AnonymousPoster]

I see what you are saying muhaba and i appreciate your advice, but as i said in my first post, everything was hallal. I did everything by "the book" so to speak. i followed all the rules of propriety and my father and i have great communication.
i was present during their meeting, the only time i wasnt with them when he came to meet my dad was when they went to masjid to pray the afternoon prayer.

i dont know, i feel better now and thanks for the helpful words from all, i guess it just was not meant to happen.


Humbler, im not sure why you got so angry but i would not have said that had i thought i was bad, and i didnt say it in a derogatory way. i have many friends who are of pakistani decent and they use that phrase all the time to describe themselves, so if you have an issue, take it up with other pakistanis who make that phrase ok because this is the first time i was told it isnt a good phrase. one classmate even wears a "proud to be paki" shirt to class every once in a while.
so i do not see any reason for you to lecture me about it seeing as i didnt say it in a derogatory way.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Sister i dont think Humbler meant to lecture you, but it prob hit a sour note with him when you said "paki"

humbler, dont be mad at the sister, i myself didnt know that saying paki was wrong to say till you said something. My friends also use that word when they talk about themselves.

[Humbler_359]

:sl: sister,

Don't misunderstand, sister I am just explaining, relax... :statisfie

I know, the term 'Pakistan' is long, we accept short-'Pak'

Paki/Pakki sound more like racist words, some people used this word to insult our country. It is offensive. Please kindly see this wikipedia

Similar to this:
Australian = Aussie
British = Brit
New Zealander = Kiwi
English = Pommy
French = Frenchie
French Canadian (in Montreal) = Pepper
Russia = Russki/Russkie

Black person = Monkey
White person in US = Redneck
Arabs, Indian Sikks = Raghead

We must warn and advise young people called themselves 'paki' in which they don't understand fully in meaning, I know. imsad

Take care.

[cat eyes]

brother humbler calm down. i am sure she did not mean anything by it!

i know pakistani brothers who call themselves pakis lol so don't be offended

i kinda use that word for short also:hiding:

[Humbler_359]

:sl: sister,

Hope all is well with you, still no hearing from him? Please let us know updating.

Hope our advice brothers and sisters help you better and think positive. :statisfie

[AnonymousPoster]

No i have not heard from him, i get the feeling i will eventually though for some reason but i do not plan on taking it further with him regardless of his excuse.
He took advantage of my families hospitality towards him and his cousin and did not even take any time to thank us for it and its Ramadan!

Im okay now, thanks to all who posted in the thread. I guess it is a lesson learned!

[ahmed_indian]

there could be some problem on his side which u might not know like accident, emergency,etc.

first try to find out if he and his family is really available @ their home.

[AnonymousPoster]

There isnt an emergency. Im sure of it because my cousin and her husband run all the events at the masjid that they attend, and he is there every night for their iftar. He is in one piece, healthy, and from what my cousin told me his phone is in working order.

My cousin isnt the type to get involved and ask him why he stopped talking to me, but did relay me this information about him being a-okay.

Cold feet i guess?

[AnonymousPoster]

I dont know if you read my entire post brother,but i did call him twice. One time he hung up quickly, the second time he forwarded me to voicemail.
Etiquette calls for him to call me back. That would be the upstanding thing for him to do.

As for my cousin,i stated before, she doesnt get involved in other peoples affairs so i dont want to ask her to talk to him. I shouldnt have to.

If he was a upstanding brother with respect, he would have at least emailed me to let me know its not going anywhere.

[cat eyes]

There isnt an emergency. Im sure of it because my cousin and her husband run all the events at the masjid that they attend, and he is there every night for their iftar. He is in one piece, healthy, and from what my cousin told me his phone is in working order.

My cousin isnt the type to get involved and ask him why he stopped talking to me, but did relay me this information about him being a-okay.

Cold feet i guess?

sis i told you. he is not a good character at all. what cold feet anybody gets to not reply to you just a simple text?. you are just living on false hope thats all that this guy is actually worth it at the end. i heard these stories time and time again of men doing the vanishing acts, its because they are just to **** picky with girls thats there problem. move on. its better, its ramadan don't let him destroy your mood in the holy month. think of Allah swt instead and put your heart at rest. there wil be other potential men later

[AnonymousPoster]

Update.

So he contacted me a couple weeks ago. I had forgotten I wrote it hear but decided to update. He told me that he got caught up in the wrong crowd and listened to some friends who advised him not to enter into an engagement with me because I lived 3 hours away and various other reason and they succeeded in talking him out of it. He said he regrets his decision to disappear and hopes to resume where we left off.
I did Istikhara and consulted my parents as well and decided not to resume it. I felt an even stronger urge not to after praying but also when I thought about it I realized I dont want to be with a man who is so easily swayed by his friends. I just dont want to take that chance. Also, my father felt incredibly disrespected by the mans actions because he gave them so much hospitality and to be treated that way and have his daughter cast aside without a reason was not easy for him. He forgave the man but told him that he does not think it will be a good match.

[SMA89]

Update.

So he contacted me a couple weeks ago. I had forgotten I wrote it hear but decided to update. He told me that he got caught up in the wrong crowd and listened to some friends who advised him not to enter into an engagement with me because I lived 3 hours away and various other reason and they succeeded in talking him out of it. He said he regrets his decision to disappear and hopes to resume where we left off.
I did Istikhara and consulted my parents as well and decided not to resume it. I felt an even stronger urge not to after praying but also when I thought about it I realized I dont want to be with a man who is so easily swayed by his friends. I just dont want to take that chance. Also, my father felt incredibly disrespected by the mans actions because he gave them so much hospitality and to be treated that way and have his daughter cast aside without a reason was not easy for him. He forgave the man but told him that he does not think it will be a good match.

Good Decision. You are a strong woman. I respect the fact that you have more love for your family than the guy you "fell" for because at the end your parents are always right.