The In-Laws

[AnonymousPoster]

My sister-in-law won't come or talk in front of me. I'm okay with the fact that she won't come in front of me, but the fact that I can't do my necessities is really disturbing. I have to ask my parents or my brother to bring things for me.

Another thing is that she won't talk while I'm nearby. It makes me feel bad, because my parents want to talk to her, but at the same time want me there. So I feel sort of offended.. A woman's voice is not Hijaab. Why must she be so strict?

Lastly, I was sitting at the dining table, which is right in front of a glass screen door. Apparently, (I didn't notice) but her reflection or my reflection could be shown. So she asked my brother to close the blinds. I would never go to the extent to look closely at the reflection just to see her. I was extremely offended by this action.

imsad:cry:imsad

Please advise or suggest a solution. I don't want to try talking to my brother because he simply will not understand, and I am sure of it. I'm okay with the segregation, and in a matter of fact, I honor it. However, I must be able to do my necessities by myself, rather than ask my elders to do it for me. If she wants the blinds closed in the fear that I'll look at her, then so be it. i'm willing to sacrifice my own feelings, but I don't want to sit down and have my parents serve me all the time.

One of the problems is that my parents want us to eat all at the same time, sit at the same time, talk at the same time, etc. There's always a veil/barrier in between us.

[جوري]

My opinion on this is obvious and I apologize that it won't be consoling, your culture imposes a ridiculous rule (I am sorry if I am offensive) and then doesn't take into account any of the parties involved. It wasn't until I became a member of this forum that I found out about this strange custom of moving in with your in laws. To my understanding, anyone who lives with family, simply can't afford a place of their own and are working on moving out, but eating, drinking, bathing, fighting, copulating, having children in some other people's house is preposterous! Please tell me what is the excuse of having newly weds who like to do newly wed activities to live with a family where there are other siblings, younger or older. It is freaking absurd!!!

I think the solution is you tell them, this isn't an Islamic practice, it is making me very uncomfortable, it is offensive on more than one occasion, and nothing good ever came out of having too many adults in one house hold.. unless there is just one leader who likes to subvert any voice of dissent and equally avoidant/ passive aggressive/ schizotypal, schizoid personality types living in the same place, it is simply a recipe for disaster. People are bound to clash over the dumbest things and then one day it will be calamitous over something as stupid as one person not squeezing in the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube...

they need to move out, or you need to move out and get your own place.. and I hope for the sake of your future bride that you not bring her into this mess!

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[cat eyes]

the fact that I can't do my necessities is really disturbing. I have to ask my parents or my brother to bring things for me.

Another thing is that she won't talk while I'm nearby
.

whoah is the house really that small and confined that you have to get family members to fetch things for you?,

as for the not talking when your around it sounds like this sister is more shy then anything and shes not use to being around males or she just really fears Allah because as far as i know we are meant to be covered but we can still talk now its not this bad that we should ignore our male inlaws but its encouraged to cover ourselves.

i would not blame you for being offended anyone would be but from my point of view i think she is doing the right thing islamicly however the not talking is where she is going wrong. do she even say salaam to you? or how are you?

maybe have a word with your brother about it so he can talk to her inshallaah.

i do agree with the sister above that a married couple need their own place its the right of the wife as i had asked a scholar because of the very fact things of this nature happen. its not healthy in the first stages of marriage to be having problems it can cause resentment in the heart of the wife for her inlaws

[Salahudeen]

Hmm if it was my wife who was doing this I'd love her even more cos of it. Shyness is a beautifull quality :)

anyway she could be really shy around men and feel uncomfortable in their presence.

I know that's how I feel around non mehram women, uncomfortable to the point where I can't look them in the eye. So it's possible she has this and it's nothing personal towards you.

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[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum,

Does the hadith about the 'brother-in-law' mean that a sis-bro-in-law cannot talk or pass a plate of food in the presence of other family members, or even when alone out of necessity? I doubt it. There should be no unnecessary talking/joking etc and they should never be alone together. But this is going to far in my opinion and the extremeness of the situation has caused an awkward atmosphere for everyone involved. I also don't like the idea of newly married couple living with in-laws but its the norm in the pakistani culture.

Admitted you are both non mahrams but I'm sure neither of you apply the same extreme restrictions to other non mahrams. Instead you use your common sense and islamic limits to remain on the right side of the line. So why not do the same when it comes to family members who are non mahrams and talk when it is reasonable to do so and avoid it when you shouldn't?

[Intisar]

My opinion on this is obvious and I apologize that it won't be consoling, your culture imposes a ridiculous rule (I am sorry if I am offensive) and then doesn't take into account any of the parties involved. It wasn't until I became a member of this forum that I found out about this strange custom of moving in with your in laws. To my understanding, anyone who lives with family, simply can't afford a place of their own and are working on moving out, but eating, drinking, bathing, fighting, copulating, having children in some other people's house is preposterous! Please tell me what is the excuse of having newly weds who like to do newly wed activities to live with a family where there are other siblings, younger or older. It is freaking absurd!!!

:sl: Sis, it's in South Asian culture. It's a tradition, for not the man, but the woman to move in with HER in laws. Now I have a problem with that, cause I need my own space and at the same time like you said if we can afford to live at a separate home then we should right? I would be extremely angry if I were told to move in with my in laws. But hey, that's just me!

Now obviously the poster airing his grievances is a male (notice how I said his). His problems are minute compared to how a sister has to cope with living with in laws. Imagine how much you'd miss your parents, and how your parents would feel? It sounds like favourtism to me, and they'd feel pretty bitter about it. Aside from that, a woman must be covered in front of non-mahram men. Imagine having to cover just going to the kitchen, the washroom, basically doing simple everyday things. It makes it a hassle. And an unneeded hassle. But enough of me ranting...

I just think that you (anon) need to speak to your parents about this. This creates an extremely uncomfortable environment. I mean the home is supposed to be the place of utmost tranquility, and somehow you feel trapped.

[جوري]

:sl: Sis, it's in South Asian culture. It's a tradition, for not the man, but the woman to move in with HER in laws. Now I have a problem with that, cause I need my own space and at the same time like you said if we can afford to live at a separate home then we should right? I would be extremely angry if I were told to move in with my in laws. But hey, that's just me!

Now obviously the poster airing his grievances is a male (notice how I said his). His problems are minute compared to how a sister has to cope with living with in laws. Imagine how much you'd miss your parents, and how your parents would feel? It sounds like favourtism to me, and they'd feel pretty bitter about it. Aside from that, a woman must be covered in front of non-mahram men. Imagine having to cover just going to the kitchen, the washroom, basically doing simple everyday things. It makes it a hassle. And an unneeded hassle. But enough of me ranting...

I just think that you (anon) need to speak to your parents about this. This creates an extremely uncomfortable environment. I mean the home is supposed to be the place of utmost tranquility, and somehow you feel trapped.

:sl:

Indeed I appreciate that fully dear sis.. that is why I wrote how difficult it must be to eat, do newly wed things, shower etc in a house where not everyone is a mahram..It truly isn't just about invitation of sin, but a complete breech of comfort and privacy to everyone involved. I don't see how anyone can accept this as the norm?.. I don't know who invented this archaic custom but it must stop. & I think our dear anon must politely bring up to his parents, that this isn't an Islamic practice, and that no one is comfortable and that his brother and his new bride should seek their own place.


and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[Banu_Hashim]

It's also been a mystery to me, how newly weds are supposed to live together with their parents/inlaws around them every second of the day.

[zakirs]

Its not too difficult actually not all parents&in-laws are intrusive.I have seen families where it all goes well.It actually depends on how comfortable you are with each other and how you respect others privacy :). And don't generalize :)