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anonymous
09-20-2009, 09:15 PM
asalaam alaykum brothers and sisters,

what can i do to help myself? i was living woth my parents and everything was fine there, however i fell in love with a brother, now my parents are very strict and especially my brother and basically they found out that i was seeing this man. i understand that islamically that was wrong, but sometimes you cant help your feeling. once my family found out about this. my brother beat me black and blue, i had a broken nose, really deep cuts all over my body because he used a metal pole to beat me up with, i have cut my head in three diffrent places, i had this really deep cut on my left shoulder that was caused my using a belt to hurt me with and even now 5 months down that scar is still very soft and delicate. i cant rest my bag on my shoulder because of the pain it causes me. even now i still have many of the scars over my body and bruses over my legs and arms.

After this my mother started to opress me (i dont have a farther) she thretened me everyday that she was going to get me married off back home and call me realy bad and disgusting words. when family and freinds came to vist she would make me hide in this cold attick or in the toilet and make stories up to them that i have gone out, in the toilet the smell or cleaning detergents would reli make me fee dizzy i would find it hard to stand because of all the injuries that i had. after knowing this she still made me go through all of that.

Anyways once my brother and mum would leave the house i would ring that brother i had explained what had happened to me and i was relly missing him. i would cry everytime we talked, and the more i stayed home the more i was being opressed by my family, and the more i wanted to leave my home. i then decided to take that very big step. I rang a womes refuge, i expalined the whole story to them and they found me a palce to live reli far away from home. i took that chace and i left my home.:cry:

That brother stood by me all the way through and he left all what he had and moved into the same area where i have moved into. And things are going good, we have decided to make our relationship halaal and have now we are married. today was Eid and i reli was missing my family and eevrything we did together, i reli hope my family understand what i did. i tried ringing my mum however she disowned me. am always depressed and i have realised that i always feel targeted. there has been alot of changes in me that i can see, i prya to allah taht he gives me strenth but sometimes i still am reli depressed. what can i do? i am only 18, i just want to feel better bout life and i want strenth to move on in my life. do you think what i did was right? please comment openly.

jazakullah khair
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cat eyes
09-20-2009, 10:51 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
asalaam alaykum brothers and sisters,

what can i do to help myself? i was living woth my parents and everything was fine there, however i fell in love with a brother, now my parents are very strict and especially my brother and basically they found out that i was seeing this man. i understand that islamically that was wrong, but sometimes you cant help your feeling. once my family found out about this. my brother beat me black and blue, i had a broken nose, really deep cuts all over my body because he used a metal pole to beat me up with, i have cut my head in three diffrent places, i had this really deep cut on my left shoulder that was caused my using a belt to hurt me with and even now 5 months down that scar is still very soft and delicate. i cant rest my bag on my shoulder because of the pain it causes me. even now i still have many of the scars over my body and bruses over my legs and arms.

After this my mother started to opress me (i dont have a farther) she thretened me everyday that she was going to get me married off back home and call me realy bad and disgusting words. when family and freinds came to vist she would make me hide in this cold attick or in the toilet and make stories up to them that i have gone out, in the toilet the smell or cleaning detergents would reli make me fee dizzy i would find it hard to stand because of all the injuries that i had. after knowing this she still made me go through all of that.

Anyways once my brother and mum would leave the house i would ring that brother i had explained what had happened to me and i was relly missing him. i would cry everytime we talked, and the more i stayed home the more i was being opressed by my family, and the more i wanted to leave my home. i then decided to take that very big step. I rang a womes refuge, i expalined the whole story to them and they found me a palce to live reli far away from home. i took that chace and i left my home.:cry:

That brother stood by me all the way through and he left all what he had and moved into the same area where i have moved into. And things are going good, we have decided to make our relationship halaal and have now we are married. today was Eid and i reli was missing my family and eevrything we did together, i reli hope my family understand what i did. i tried ringing my mum however she disowned me. am always depressed and i have realised that i always feel targeted. there has been alot of changes in me that i can see, i prya to allah taht he gives me strenth but sometimes i still am reli depressed. what can i do? i am only 18, i just want to feel better bout life and i want strenth to move on in my life. do you think what i did was right? please comment openly.

jazakullah khair
Yes you did the right thing Alhamdulilah you could have been nearly killed and because of this i would not speak with your family. Also i am finding it very difficult trying 2figure out why you are sad leaving such a family?? I mean did u meet that man's family?? Are u engaged or married? And the big question is how well do u know him? What type of guy takes advantage of a sister so young outside of marriage? How far did he go with you in doing haraam?? And why didnt he ask you 2marry him in the first place instead of making u do such a major sin in your vunerable state and desperation.. Im sorry sister i am angered by this and i am sure otherz will agree. I believe you were desperate and you were taking advantage of. I believe you might have rushed it a bit.
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cat eyes
09-20-2009, 11:19 PM
sister please try to understand because of this guy who you were seeing, you were nearly killed by your brother's own hands because of this mans evil to have haraam relation with you and i am sure he knew well enough what could happen if your family found out. i am sure hes no baby and hes well up to date with crime that surrounds his area due to girls having illegal relations. i hate violence of any kind but i believe your brother should have beaten up this guy instead of you. but i would not go back there for your own safety. tell your mum you want to meet her alone. people say things in anger also. like i can imagine what she would have called you for seeing this man but whatever you do don't go back there alone to that house.
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Salahudeen
09-20-2009, 11:54 PM
I'm sorry to hear of your circumstances, keep making dua that Allah makes this situation easier for you. He shouldn't have beaten you up that's never the solution, your brother was probably really angry at the idea that his sister had been in a haraam relationship and possibly done zina and allowed herself to be touched by a non mehram man.

I too would be deeply saddened if I found out the same regarding any of the women in my family. But I would never resort to violence cos that doesn't solve anything as your situation demonstrates. I just wouldn't be able to look at them without feeling +o( and wanting to puke.

It really is not nice for a guy to think about his sister in this way, it is this very thing that is such a strong aid in keeping me away from haraam relationships because I would hate it if another man did such a thing with 1 of the women of my family so I say to myself why should I do it with some 1 elses sister when I would hate it, to be done with mine.

I seek refuge in Allah from ever being put through such a trial, as for your situation, I don't see you ever being content with being away from your family and mother cos it's part of the innhate human nature to always love your mother and family, you can't help it, it's just one of those things you have no control over.

No matter how much you try to switch it off your still gonna have that feeling of longing to contact them and see how they are. How could you not when you grew up with them and share their blood. Your apart of them so it's only natural that you have a strong feeling to contact them.

As for the solution to your problem, I'm not sure, everybody's different, I know of family's where the girls ran away and they returned home after a while cos the guy left them after a year or two.

And I know of family's where the girl ran away and she never returnd home even though the guy left her cos the family wouldn't accept her back,

I'm afraid your not gonna like this but of all the stories that I hear like this 1, the guy always ends up leaving the girl 1 or 2 years down the line.

I pray Allah gives you a solution to your problems.
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جوري
09-21-2009, 12:01 AM
I'd urge you dear sister not to go to your grave having incurred your mother's anger..
pls you must find whatever means, get an imam involved or whatever you must do. I will not judge your actions. .. what is done is done.. but read this, please every word.. and then try to find the means to get your mother to be pleased with you..

Good Treatment of Parents
Good Treatment of Parents
� Sister Umm Ali
The most important aspect in Islam is tauheed; that is, we worship none except Allah. In numerous places in our holy book, Allah (swt) commands us:
"Worship Allah and join none with him in worship)...."
(Qur'an, an-Nisa 4:36)
"And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him...."
(Qur�an, al-Isra 17:23)
Then to emphasise the importance of being dutiful to parents, Allah (swt) commands us to do so immediately after worshipping Him Alone:
"....and do good to parents...."
(Qur'an, an-Nisa 4:36)
"....And that you be dutiful to your parents...."
(Qur'an, al-Isra 17:23)
Thus, parents are firmly and highly placed in Islam. They should, therefore, be treated accordingly.
There are many sayings from the Prophet (s) that confirm this:
Abu Huraira (r) related that a man came to Allah's Messenger (s) and asked him, "Who is the most worthy of my kindness, Messenger of Allah?" He answered, "Your mother." The man asked again, "Then who?" He answered, "Then your mother." Still the man asked, "And who?" He said again, "Then your mother." The man asked further, "Then who?" He answered, "Then your father."
(Agreed Upon)
This hadeeth is not about comparing the mother to the father. What it is telling us is that the mother is three times the most worthy of receiving our kindness, then the father and then the rest of the people. This places our parents above all people, including our children, who deserve to be treated with the most kindness.
Preference of Parents over Children
Parents often love their children more than they love their parents. But in Islam, more emphasis is given to parents. If there has to be a choice then preference should be given to parents. Below is part of a story told by the Prophet (s) as narrated by Ibn Umar (r) that demonstrates to what extent should parents be preferred over children:
"While three persons were travelling, they were overtaken by rain and they took shelter in a cave in a mountain. A big rock fell from the mountain over the mouth of the cave and blocked it. They said to each other, "Think of good righteous deeds which you did for Allah's sake only, and invoke Allah by giving reference to those deeds so that Allah may relieve you from your difficulty."
One of them said, "O Allah! I had my parents who were very old and I had small children for whose sake I used to work as a shepherd. When I returned to them at night and milked (the sheep), I used to start giving my parents first before giving my children. And one day I went far away in search of a grazing place (for my sheep) and didn't return home till late at night and found that my parents had slept. I milked (my livestock) as usual and brought the milk vessel and stood at their heads, and I disliked to wake them up from their sleep, and I also disliked to give the milk to my children before my parents though my children were crying (from hunger) at my feet. So this state of theirs and mine continued till the day dawned. (O Allah!) If you considered that I had done that only for seeking Your pleasure, then please let there be an opening through which we can see the sky."
So Allah made for them an opening through which they could see the sky...."
(Bukhari 8/5)
The state of the ummah (community) today is the reverse of this. Children are given the best of our love, treatment and care. They are lavished with our attention. They receive an unending supply of clothing, toys and gifts. They are served food and drinks first. Whatever remains after giving all to children is then given to parents. Sometimes there is nothing left and so parents go without. However, the fact is, if we want Allah (swt) to accept our supplications then we must be dutiful to our parents and give them the kindness that Allah had ordained that they should receive.
Being Dutiful to Parents above Jihad
Being dutiful to parents is of such importance that it is placed above fighting in jihad (struggle for Allah's Cause):
Abu Abdur-Rahman, Abdullah ibn Maqsood (r) said, "I have asked Allah's Messenger (s): which of the deeds is most favourable to Allah? He answered: perform prayer at its appointed time. I asked again: And then? He said: Being dutiful to parents! I asked further: And then? He answered: Struggle for the Cause of Allah."
(Agreed Upon)
Abdullah, son of 'Amr ibn al-As (r) related that a man came to the Prophet (s) and said, "I swear allegiance to you for migration and struggle, seeking reward from Allah, the Exalted." The Prophet asked him, "Are any of your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes, both of them." Then the Prophet asked again, "And you seek Allah's reward?" The man said, "Yes." He said to him, "Then return to your parents and keep good company towards them."
(Agreed Upon)
The commentary given of the above ahadeeth is that we should serve our parents well and do our best to satisfy their needs since this will be substituted for fighting in Allah's Cause. Generally, however, when we wish to go for jihad we should take permission from our parents but when an enemy of Islam attacks the Muslims' rights in their own lands then it does not need the permission of parents.
What is 'Kind Treatment'?
Allah (swt) had ordered us: "We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents." (Qur'an, al-Ankabut 29:8 and al-Ahq'af 46:15) What then constitute this kind treatment?
Allah (swt) tells us:
"If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower to them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: 'My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.'"
(Qur'an, al-Isra 17:23-24)
The original word "ouf" was translated into "a word of disrespect." This word, in fact, is lower than disrespect because it also expresses impatience and contempt. Ali ibn Abu Taleb (r) said, "If Allah knew any word of filial ingratitude less than 'ouf' He would have forbidden it too. So let the ungrateful son do whatever good he can and he will not be admitted into Jannah (Heaven), and let the grateful son do whatever good he likes and he will not go to Narr (Hellfire)." This shows that we cannot even use a simple word such as 'ouf' to our parents. Instead, we should speak nicely and be humble to them.
Allah (swt) makes us realise that when we were little it was our parents who loved us and took care of us. Just as we now look at our own children with love and tenderness, our parents once looked upon us in the same way. This is why we should in return be kind and tender to them and say the du'ah (supplication) above to ask Allah (swt) to have mercy on them.
There are two exemplary examples of being kind and dutiful to parents. These were Prophet Yahyah (a): "And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allah or to his parents)." (Qur'an, Maryam 19:14), and Prophet Isa (a), who said: "And dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblessed." (Qur'an, Maryam 19:32). In both cases, they were both kind and compassionate.
In this materialistic world where money is equated with love or duty, we see children giving money to their parents as if that was enough to repay all their love and hardship. Even if we were to carry them on our backs for the rest of their lives that would not be enough:
'Abdullah ibn Umar Al-Khattab (r) once saw a man carrying an old woman on his back turning around the Ka'kaah (Sacred House in Makkah). He asked him who it was. The man answered, "She is my mother. Do you think I have paid in full my duty to her?" Abdullah answered, "By Allah, whatsoever you do for her would not be equal to one shriek she suffered when giving birth to you."
Allah (swt) said:
"And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years - give thanks to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final destination."
(Qur'an, Luqman 31:14)
There are many examples from among the Sahabah (Companions) and the early Muslims. Their stories illustrate that kindness and duty to parents are more than just shoving money into their hands or tolerating their presence. It consists of doing the most simple of things but with great humility, love and self-sacrifice.
Disobedience to Parents
Kindness and duty to parents are, without doubt, extremely important. Needless to say, disobedience is a great sin. According to 'Abdullah ibn Amr ibn Al-'Aas (r) the Messenger of Allah (s) said, "Greater sins include ascribing partners to Allah, ingratitude to parents, homicide and perjury." (Bukhari)
Committing any of these sins leads to Hellfire. In the case of unkindness and disobedience to parents, it will prevent us from even declaring the shahadah (declaration of faith) and thereby preventing us from entering Jannah (Paradise):
Good Treatment of Parents
'Abdullah ibn Auf (r) narrated: We were with the Messenger of Allah (s) when someone came to him and was told that there was a young man giving his last breaths. He was asked to say: There is no god but Allah, but he couldn't. The Messenger asked, "Did he establish worship?" The man said, "Yes." The Messenger of Allah (s) stood up and we followed suit. He came to the young man and said to him, "Say: There is no god but Allah." The young man said, "I can't." The Messenger of Allah asked him, "And why not?" Someone said, "He was unkind to his mother." The Messenger of Allah asked him, "Is his mother alive?" They said, "Yes." He said, "Tell her to come in." Then he asked her, "Is this your son?" She said, "Yes." He said, "Tell me if a huge fire was made and you were told if you intercede we will let him go or else we will burn him with this fire, would you have interceded for him?" She said, "O Messenger of Allah! I would have interceded for him then." He said, "Then testify to Allah and let me bear witness that you are pleased with him." She said, "O Allah! I declare to You and Your Messenger as witnesses that I am pleased with my son." Then the Messenger of Allah turned to the young man and asked him to say, "There is no god but Allah without a partner and I testify that Muhammad is His slave and messenger." The boy finally managed to repeat the testimony and the Messenger of Allah said, "Praise and Glory to Allah who have saved him from the Fire." (Ahmad, Tabarani)
This hadeeth also shows that even when a parent is displeased with his or her child, he or she will never want for the child to go to Hell and burn in the Fire. A parent's love for his/her child is a mercy from Allah (swt). A child, therefore, should return that love and be obedient to Allah and his/her parents. Remember what Allah (swt) said of Prophet Yahyah (a): "And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allah or to his parents)." This is what we should aim for.
References
Abudawood, A. I. (1997). Daleel al-sayleen.
Badawi, J. (!9**). The rights of parents. (Videotape).

http://members.optusnet.com.au/umm_pub/goodTrPar.html

:w:
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cat eyes
09-21-2009, 11:05 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by squiggle
As for the solution to your problem, I'm not sure, everybody's different, I know of family's where the girls ran away and they returned home after a while cos the guy left them after a year or two.

And I know of family's where the girl ran away and she never returnd home even though the guy left her cos the family wouldn't accept her back,

I'm afraid your not gonna like this but of all the stories that I hear like this 1, the guy always ends up leaving the girl 1 or 2 years down the line.

I pray Allah gives you a solution to your problems.
Your so right brother because i know people myself through friends and there friends when there is a large community of muslims so people cant help but talk. Recently i had heard through some1 this girl had all the same problems, she was also being oppressed...she found this guy and he promised her everything, only 2 find out later he had promised a load of other girls the same thing. She was close to marrying this guy, gotton engaged an everything when she had found out that he was meeting another woman who was married who's husband had left her.. And he was sleeping with this married woman. She had found out when this weird txt came through on his fone. He had spilled the beans but had just told her they were friends but she later contacted the woman and she told her a completely difrent story that they were haven a full out affair.. She found other numberz of girls, emails and pictures in his mail dats how she found out about the other girls who they still clame he was trying 2 help by having an haram relation with them. They actualy thought it was love poor them! Word spreads fast and itz like some type of a warning from Allah just like in this girls case if she had never found out and she married him, just imagine he would have commited adultery on her probably all da way out through the marriage and believing that these girls were just ''good friends'' ha. Dont know where that guy is now but bet hes stil doing his rounds so every young girl should be careful of the evil out there. They might be dressed like a muslim and talk lovey dovey that is all a cover up. They know when a grl has nowhere to run so she will run 2his arms get her alone where he can get his flighty claws in 2her. Sister marriage is not the best thing for you now you might be landing yourself in bad hands! First of all your 2 young also. It might be best you make up with your family! You can get so many men again, you can get so many friends again BUT YOU CANT GET YOUR MOTHER AGAIN!
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zakirs
09-21-2009, 02:45 PM
Sis here's what you do ,

Pray to allah to help, Be nice to your mom try to talk to her ( ignore her abuses or scoldings), Try to concentrate on your career too.
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anonymous
09-22-2009, 10:50 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Yes you did the right thing Alhamdulilah you could have been nearly killed and because of this i would not speak with your family. Also i am finding it very difficult trying 2figure out why you are sad leaving such a family?? I mean did u meet that man's family?? Are u engaged or married? And the big question is how well do u know him? What type of guy takes advantage of a sister so young outside of marriage? How far did he go with you in doing haraam?? And why didnt he ask you 2marry him in the first place instead of making u do such a major sin in your vunerable state and desperation.. Im sorry sister i am angered by this and i am sure otherz will agree. I believe you were desperate and you were taking advantage of. I believe you might have rushed it a bit.
jazakullah sister for your reply,

I have lived with my family my whole life me and my brother were like best freinds allthough he had done all of this to me i still love him. my mum and i have 4 younger siblings, which i really miss and i would love them to see what a great man i am with now. mashallah he is into his deen. and he has told his parents about me after i was beaten and they were willing to except me. his mum rang the refuge for me and she found me a place to stay. and his parents didnt want use carrying on commiting sins so they have got our nikkkah done. i had not comitted zinnah, but seeing him and being with him was still haraam.
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cat eyes
09-22-2009, 04:55 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
jazakullah sister for your reply,

I have lived with my family my whole life me and my brother were like best freinds allthough he had done all of this to me i still love him. my mum and i have 4 younger siblings, which i really miss and i would love them to see what a great man i am with now. mashallah he is into his deen. and he has told his parents about me after i was beaten and they were willing to except me. his mum rang the refuge for me and she found me a place to stay. and his parents didnt want use carrying on commiting sins so they have got our nikkkah done. i had not comitted zinnah, but seeing him and being with him was still haraam.
Salaam sis.. Dont get me wrong i am no one to judge the two of you but your story drove me to tears. Nobody deserves to get beaten up i believe that Allah Almighty can forgive every sin minor or major except shirk! Sis i think you could have been nearly killed from your own brother and i find it hard 2get my head around this if your bro loved u, why would he do such a dangerous thing? U are a young girl, he is a strong man My oldr brother i think would do suicide if he laid finger on me! Men just dont beat girls sis its not right and your mum should have stoped it but anyway as i said i cant judge. As for your husbnd, he could be good i dont know, but usaully grls end up in bad hands after such an incedent, because in vunerability you dont see what you are doing! Have you ever saw the homeless person on da road? there reaching there hands out to every1 good or bad because they are helpless.. U will run 2 any1 and its always a man and thats not what u need in times like this. A man dose not make things like this any better and yea dear sis i do believe you rushed it. it would not matter weathr he told his family or not! I will just make duaa he treats u the way every wife deserves and dont leave you for some one else that he might fall attracted 2 and be her hero and take her as another wife... It dose happen. And if you see my previous posts thats real life sis! When you rush in to thingz witout thinkng it true.
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anonymous
09-23-2009, 05:25 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Salaam sis.. Dont get me wrong i am no one to judge the two of you but your story drove me to tears. Nobody deserves to get beaten up i believe that Allah Almighty can forgive every sin minor or major except shirk! Sis i think you could have been nearly killed from your own brother and i find it hard 2get my head around this if your bro loved u, why would he do such a dangerous thing? U are a young girl, he is a strong man My oldr brother i think would do suicide if he laid finger on me! Men just dont beat girls sis its not right and your mum should have stoped it but anyway as i said i cant judge. As for your husbnd, he could be good i dont know, but usaully grls end up in bad hands after such an incedent, because in vunerability you dont see what you are doing! Have you ever saw the homeless person on da road? there reaching there hands out to every1 good or bad because they are helpless.. U will run 2 any1 and its always a man and thats not what u need in times like this. A man dose not make things like this any better and yea dear sis i do believe you rushed it. it would not matter weathr he told his family or not! I will just make duaa he treats u the way every wife deserves and dont leave you for some one else that he might fall attracted 2 and be her hero and take her as another wife... It dose happen. And if you see my previous posts thats real life sis! When you rush in to thingz witout thinkng it true.
jizakallah sister. am sorry if it came out as if i was affended i wasnt sister. its just that i also have a younger sister who is 17 and she was like my other half and am really missing her. Before my brother and mum would provide me with everything i ever wanted and now its reli hard to get anything for myself, finacially am really stuck and emotinally am realy broken.
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cat eyes
09-23-2009, 07:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
jizakallah sister. am sorry if it came out as if i was affended i wasnt sister. its just that i also have a younger sister who is 17 and she was like my other half and am really missing her. Before my brother and mum would provide me with everything i ever wanted and now its reli hard to get anything for myself, finacially am really stuck and emotinally am realy broken.
:sl:

yeah i can understand that sis coz i also have a 17year old sister who im very close with so i really understand you. and what about your husband is he working? could he maybe drive you down there and you could text your sis to come and meet you?
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S_87
09-23-2009, 07:35 PM
for now all you can do is keep phoning your mother and apologising. what you did although i can understand why you may have done it because your brother had NO right to beat you up like that etc etc, shes a mother and you running away probably hurt her so badly. give her time and apologise.

i cant speak for your mum but i have heard stories of where in these situations the daughter is lured back home then sent off to pakistan and imprisoned by family there. so please be careful xx
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