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AnonymousPoster
09-22-2009, 12:41 PM
Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.
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Sahabiyaat
09-22-2009, 01:08 PM
:sl:....the only anwser i can give you is ; What advice would you give your wife if she had feelings for your friend?

Do just as you would advise her...i think you know what i mean....that it would devastate you to know....so what should you do ? you have the anwser already.

:wa:
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-22-2009, 01:17 PM
i don't care if im being judgmental or not (im not sure what else my opinions are meant to be towards issues like this) maybe that's the attitude some people need to wake them up.

you are nothing short of a bloody idiot!

what about your wife who has given you your child! who has bore him pain upon pain and raised him pain upon pain, and this is the freakin' thanks she gets. just shame!


The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different.
i cant believe you are even contemplating perusing this!!! just where do you think it'll take you?! how far and successful do you think it'll be?!! you will marry her, then you will see she is like every other person in her dress. women dont look good 24/7. women have bad days where they are sad and don't smile. you have fallen for the good side of her, whilst being oblivious to her other sides. of course she is going to look good when she visits her friend. of course an unmarried woman is going look good to a married man! its nothing but a fleeting desire...how do you think your son will feel about you when you have betrayed and hurt his beloved mother. how do you think your son will feel about her when she has hurt his mother. you want to chase this, whilst your marriage is on the rocks! you should take this as a sign to rectify your marriage and appreciate your wife, but instead you choose to chase a mirage! what example are you setting for your son? and what about your wife who you apparently love? who is going to take her divorced with a son?

She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.
no this is lust. want to know why? you've admired her looks, till the you have fallen for her! men like you divorce their wives, put tier families in turmoil, make their kids hate them to live "happily ever after" with someone else, only for it to be short lived as everything falls apart for them...heard it toooo many times...even if you do marry this girl, you will want you wife and happy marriage back. you will yearn for her as you are yearning for this one. and the same way you have betrayed your wife, the same way you will betray her as well.


She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her.
oh how lovely! +o(+o(+o(+o(
no woman who destorys a marriage (of her so-called best friend) is worth it. if she really cared about betraying her friend, she would run the other way...


My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.
what next? i can seriously see this turning into zinaa :( you need to stay away from her.
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Cabdullahi
09-22-2009, 01:20 PM
get the similar jeans , shaliwar kamees as a gift for your wife and tell her to wear it end of problem solved
she will kill your marriage off and that's the truth...then you'll lose custody of your child and miss nice jeans will disappear and you'll be in town centre selling the big issue why? because the wrath and anger of allah has fallen upon you
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Cabdullahi
09-22-2009, 01:22 PM
why do women destroy the lives of fellow women? subhanallah
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Beardo
09-22-2009, 01:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed
you are nothing short of a bloody idiot!
As an admin, I shouldn't take sides, but I have to agree with this.

You shouldn't be mingling like that to begin with. This is why Islam advises segregation between genders.
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Güven
09-22-2009, 01:28 PM
You are saying this is not lust.

but you are avoiding the reality....this IS lust, whether you believe it or not.


you have a wife and a child , don't betray them , don't do this man, don't fall in the traps of shaytaan.
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Hamas
09-22-2009, 01:46 PM
You say you love your wife then you say you love this other women you dont know what love is mate.

A man konws his limits knows when to stop and has control over himself otherwise hes just a mouse.

It feels like im reading a bad novel that never got published :giggling:
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Laila01x
09-22-2009, 01:48 PM
I agree totally with the first post. How about if your wife liked your best mate .. how would that make you feel? It would devestate you like it would anyone!! And i still cant believe you are are thinkin of persuing this and you told her best mate your feelings? Are you actually thinking straight - this will destroy your wife and your family and marriage of ten years!!

Are you really willing to give that up?? Her so called best mate aint really a best mate if shes flirting back with you!! I would try keep your distance from her but then it is up to you what you do.

p.s. think before you act!!!!!

JazakAllah
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Danah
09-22-2009, 01:48 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.
And yet they said....let women wear whatever they want to, give them freedom, Hijab is abusing women ^o)
this is what freedom brought us, ha? <_<
I wonder what kind of Hijab she was wearing to "protect herself":?

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all.
And yet she did nothing even when she was expecting such thing?
SubhanAllah what a great friend!!

She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her.
Even a greater friend!! :skeleton:

Fear Allah brother! Don't destroy your family with your own hands...you will regret it later when your son will hate you because you betrayed his mother with his best friend. You will just give him a lesson to not trust on any friend or any close person at all!!!

This is a very obvious fleeting desire, so don't fell in Shaytan desire and then regret it again when nothing will help because it will be very late!

When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her.
and yet you are saying its not a lust?


format_quote Originally Posted by Sahabiyaat
:sl:....the only anwser i can give you is ; What advice would you give your wife if she had feelings for your friend?

Do just as you would advise her...i think you know what i mean....that it would devastate you to know....so what should you do ? you have the anwser already.

:wa:
100 % agree
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AnonymousPoster
09-22-2009, 02:30 PM
I know you cant help who you fall for but...


Shame on you .... if you kept it islamic - and had segregation you would not have gained feelings!!

Shame on you!! do u think anyone is goin to say - 'oh subanallah go for it'

NO!

Shame on you
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mathematician
09-22-2009, 02:56 PM
Sad sad sad, story. :heated::heated:
Poor wife. What an unlucky woman who deserves more than this.

I think you and your friend's wife should be ashamed of yourselves. I thought
men get married so that they can lower their gaze, no? Oh no wait, no matter how beautiful your wife is the grass will always be greener on the other side! (and yes my friend even with this "model")

Even if you get married to this (unshameful) model you will ALWAYS have feelings for other women. Brother, this is a test placed upon men in this world by Allah the Almighty. Our job is to take advantage of the halaal and lower our gaze.

In your situation, if you do marry this "model" you will be in a lose-lose situation. First, your child from your current wife will grow up hating you. You cheated on his mother, didn't you? So, why should he respect you?
You will likely begin hating this "model" once you realize that she is not as attractive as shaytan made her look like. You see, no matter who you choose in this world as a wife, soon she will begin appearing as a normal person in front of your eyes. The "model" part you are feeling will go away no matter how attractively she is dressed. That's something wise men know, and that is why they don't fall for "models" and look up to things that will last.

But hey, despair not! Allah ta'ala has given us some tips so that we don't feel that you are missing out on being married to someone more attractive. It's simple----lower your gaze and avoid being alone with women as much as possible.
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S_87
09-22-2009, 03:02 PM
avoid her. like the plague.
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TestData
09-22-2009, 03:21 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.
Have you seen her without all the makeup (that she probably spends two hours applying)?
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AnonymousPoster
09-22-2009, 03:37 PM
Wow i didn't know i'd get a bashing of this sort :embarrass :exhausted

I've seen her without the makeup, ive seen her in the mornings (when she stays round) and I still have feelings for her. I seriously need to avoid her.

I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.
She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:
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Mysterious Uk
09-22-2009, 03:44 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Please try not to judge me, just hear me out.
Sorry brother but how can you expect anyone NOT to judge you? You claim to love your wife and son yet you are contemplating betraying your wife for your wife's 'friend' whome you 'love'? Doesn't make sense.

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.
She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away.
Good on her for finally using her brain.

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her.
Have you no shame? No guilt?
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zakirs
09-22-2009, 03:48 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Wow i didn't know i'd get a bashing of this sort :embarrass :exhausted

I've seen her without the makeup, ive seen her in the mornings (when she stays round) and I still have feelings for her. I seriously need to avoid her.

I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.
She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:
Brother i would just say that its not love but lust (or else you wouldn't have spoken about the way she dresses).Just STAY AWAY from her.remember when ever you talk to her on the phone or be alone with her , Allah is always watching.
Fear god and love you lovely wife who has been helping you all along.
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cat eyes
09-22-2009, 03:48 PM
i am afraid this is the wives fault but it makes me sad that people are gone so far away from in islam. When any woman friend of your wife comes over you are meant to go out or go into the next room til shes gone. Your not even meant to watch her friend. But thats common sense surely accept for the dumb ignorant person. I am afraid the two of yous made your house warm for the shaytan. Hes having a good old time now
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AnonymousPoster
09-22-2009, 03:50 PM
[QUOTE=Mysterious Uk;1223051]Sorry brother but how can you expect anyone NOT to judge you? You claim to love your wife and son yet you are contemplating betraying your wife for your wife's 'friend' whome you 'love'? Doesn't make sense.


Good on her for finally using her brain.



Have you no shame? No guilt?[/QUOTE]

Course I do! Thats why I'm kind of happy she's made that decision, its made it easier on me and now I don't have to tell her to stay away.

You can't help who yu fall for and I'm trying to pick up the pieces now.
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AnonymousPoster
09-22-2009, 03:55 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
i am afraid this is the wives fault but it makes me sad that people are gone so far away from in islam. When any woman friend of your wife comes over you are meant to go out or go into the next room til shes gone. Your not even meant to watch her friend. But thats common sense surely accept for the dumb ignorant person. I am afraid the two of yous made your house warm for the shaytan. Hes having a good old time now
I wouldn't blame the wife. The husband has a brain of his own. Sadly he's using it in the wrong place.
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AhmadibnNasroon
09-22-2009, 03:58 PM
Your feelings are not blameworthy, as these types of things can happen, (i.e., wanting another woman). A man will generally want more than one woman hence Allah allowed up to 4 wives. I suggest if everything will be sound in your home and will not greatly effect your wife and your child, then try to marry her. If not then keep away from this woman.

Having said what I said above, this does not make the actions that have gone on between the two of you lawful in any way. The constant mixing, flirting, talking, between you and this woman IS blameworthy and definitely the root cause of your feelings. So I advise if marriage is not an option with minimal ramifications, then to abandon this woman completely and tell your wife she is forbidden from coming to the house.

Wa'allaahu 3lam.
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Mysterious Uk
09-22-2009, 04:19 PM
[QUOTE=AnonymousGender;1223054]
format_quote Originally Posted by Mysterious Uk
Sorry brother but how can you expect anyone NOT to judge you? You claim to love your wife and son yet you are contemplating betraying your wife for your wife's 'friend' whome you 'love'? Doesn't make sense.


Good on her for finally using her brain.



Have you no shame? No guilt?[/QUOTE]

Course I do! Thats why I'm kind of happy she's made that decision, its made it easier on me and now I don't have to tell her to stay away.

You can't help who yu fall for and I'm trying to pick up the pieces now.
Orite. Inshallah, you won't face situations like this again.
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The_Prince
09-22-2009, 04:25 PM
you cant help you fall in love with, but if your married and fall for another woman YOU DONT TELL HER THAT, AND YOU DONT TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH HER, AND YOU AVOID HER AND KEEP IT AWAY. sheesh.
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Al-Yasa
09-22-2009, 04:44 PM
Dont be around her

make male friends

join a club
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cat eyes
09-22-2009, 06:49 PM
a man who fears Allah would not let it go this far.. just because a man can have more then one wife it dose not make this a lawful act as some one as already stated. its zina of the heart. i will try and find the hadith inshallaah. well if muslims followed the teachings of beloved prophet mohammad pbuh and wife Aisha may Allah be pleased with her. none of this would be an issue so it really is the fault of the wife to allow a woman to get so comfortable with her husband i mean come on:hmm: its asking for trouble
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Lejla
09-22-2009, 07:08 PM
if you were married to that woman (your wife's friend) for 10 years and your wife was her best friend, you would feel the same thing for your wife :) stop thinking about her and avoid her as much as possible because marriage is a sacred thing and adultery is one of the biggest evils of society

and, yes, how would you feel if your wife was in love with your best friend?
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MSalman
09-22-2009, 07:14 PM
:sl:

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him. Let's not forget that none of us are free from sins and everyone of us is struggling and striving hard to stay away from sins.

The Messenger of Allah (sal-allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "there is not a believing slave except he has a sin that he returns to time after time or he is constantly/consistently doing it until he leaves this duniya. (The fact of matter is) the believer is trialed and tested; he (consistently) repents and then he forgets. (However) when he is reminded, he remembers".

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:
brother, this is a thought from shaytan so do not listen to him; he is a liar. Are you gonna die if you do not see her? It is only a matter of time before this goes away and you need to cut all kinds of ties with her. Otherwise, you will continue to fall into the traps of shaytan.

Umar ibn al-Khataab (radiAllahu anho) used to say that do not listen your nafs/ego because he is a liar. One day he got up on minbar during his time of khilafat and he gathered to people to tell them that when he was small his father used to beat him because he used to get 3 dates for looking after her aunt’s goat/camels while he was looking after his own goats/camels. After hearing this Abdul Rahman ibn Auf (radiAllahu anho) got up and said why you gathered people to say this to embarrass yourself. Umar (radiAllahu anho) replied that he wanted to teach his ego a lesson and straighten up his ego.

The moral of the story is that do not listen your nafs and these thoughts from shaytaan; so make jihad against it. allhamdulillah akhee, you got a wife, ask her to dress nicely and enjoy her.

may Allah save us all from such fitnah, ameen
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جوري
09-22-2009, 07:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdullahii
get the similar jeans , shaliwar kamees as a gift for your wife and tell her to wear it end of problem solved
:lol: I thought this was really funny..

I have no comments for the OP, his thread is rather upsetting and unsettling imsad

:w:
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cat eyes
09-22-2009, 08:01 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by islamiclife
:sl:

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him. Let's not forget that none of us are free from sins and everyone of us is struggling and striving hard to stay away from sins.
True but i believe being a bit to gentle might make this brother believe what he is doing is okay and he will carry on doing this sin believing that ahh well everybody dose sins like this...humans do strive to keep away from sins but its obviously clear that he is not one of them otherwise he would be helping himself which he is not doing. i honestly think he should speak with a scholar that would really make him see sense inshallaah because the punishments in the grave for this type of thing is endless. i don't think a forum is a place to discuss this because this is becoming close to adultery and it is one of the major sins in islam and not many people in this situation are not gona listen to just anybody.
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GuestFellow
09-22-2009, 08:10 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.
Salaam.


You should not be socializing with other women. You have been married for ten years and you have four children. It would be very upsetting to see this marriage collapse. Think what would happen to your children if your marriage breaks. They are not going to be thrilled. So consider the consequences of your actions.

Stay away from that women. Be in control of yourself. Socialize with good Muslim men. Go to the mosque and make friends. I would personally speak to an Imam about this issue if your comfortable doing so. He may offer better practical advice.

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him.
Yes I agree. I'm disturbed to see some of the responses...not appropriate.
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papa_smurf
09-22-2009, 09:39 PM
:sl:
I think i'm in love with thousands of women^o).....There are loads of pretty women out there :p, but know your limits......man get a grip!
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Snowflake
09-22-2009, 09:58 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by The_Prince
you cant help you fall in love with, but if your married and fall for another woman YOU DONT TELL HER THAT, AND YOU DONT TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH HER, AND YOU AVOID HER AND KEEP IT AWAY. sheesh.
This isn't love :hmm:


:sl: O.P.

Nothing you said describes love, but everything you mentioned describes lust to a T. It isn't your fault entirely for falling in lust. She is equally to blame. And neither was it wise of your wife to allow another woman and her husband to sit in each other's company. This is why Islam recommends segregation of genders and lowering the gaze etc. I wasn't even sure if the post was from a muslim or non-muslim. This kind of socialising is typical of the nonmuslims way of life. I also hate seeing men sitting in female gatherings and acting like best buddies with wife's friends.


Anyway, hamdulillah the friend's got a bit more sense. I hope she sticks to her decision. You have to realise is that if there'd been another woman in place of the friend, in exactly the same circumstances, you'd eventually have developed feelings for her too, and another, and another and another. This isn't love. You are seeing everything about her that you should only see about your wife. No wonder her dress, appearence etc excited you and make you think you are in love. It's in human nature to want what you can't have. That's all this is. Please get over it.

Do something beneficial with your wife and son, like increasing your knowledge together, praying, reciting Quran. Not only will your love take on a different meaning but you will find that your home is your Jannah and you won't want to ever leave it. Allah put love and mercy in the hearts of spouses so that they may live in peace and tranquility. it is there but you can't feel it if you aren't implementing the deen in your lives - which btw, includes lowering the gaze and not free-mixing.


Go and make wudhu and pray two rakahs, repent and thank Allah, for having saved you from committing zina and pray for His guidence and help to increase you in all that Allah loves. One day your son will grow to be an adult and have opinions about you. Don't let them be the kind that make you hang your head in shame. You had a lucky escape. Please learn from your mistakes.

It is best if the friend doesn't come to the house anymore or your wife mention her in front of you. 'You need to go cold turkey'. Your wife can visit her instead. Personally, I wouldn't bother. You all need practicing friends who help you in the deen instead of becoming trials for one another.


:wa:
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Santoku
09-22-2009, 11:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.

She says she is not interested, I suggest you listen to her.You say that her "not interested" means that she really does like you, do you not understand that is the story of half the rapists in the country "She said "No!" But I could tell she really meant "Yes!" so I did it and now she is crying rape, but she led me on!"

Did it not occur to you that she really does mean No and you are projecting your lust and sexual desires on to her so that what she quite probably means as politeness (after all you are the husband of her best friend) you see as a sexual invitation.

Stop looking at her as a sexual object and see her as a person who has a mind of her own and the right to say no and to have you take that no seriously.
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-23-2009, 04:50 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Wow i didn't know i'd get a bashing of this sort :embarrass :exhausted

I've seen her without the makeup, ive seen her in the mornings (when she stays round) and I still have feelings for her. I seriously need to avoid her.

I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.

She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:
i think you two should just completely drop this i mean the very talking of it. one thing will lead to another until you you will both find yourselves in a hole you have dug and cant get out of...

she only seems interested in you as you are interested in her...otherwise i dont think they would be there....in all honesty she seems to be using your feelings for her to her advantage <---to make herself feel better...
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Caller الداعي
09-23-2009, 09:38 AM
salams bro
all i can say is fornication is a debt which will come back to u later on in life !!!
looking and mixing with other sexs will result in the weakness of family bonds and will not stop there it will haunt u for the rest of ur life!
may Allah cure u!
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'Abd-al Latif
09-23-2009, 11:53 AM
The sight and the hearing have a direct link to the heart. The close attachment between the heart and the eye can be testified by the fact that if anything settles in the former, it shows on the latter: the eye is the heart's mirror, reflecting to an observer what is in the heart, in the same way that the tongue is the heart's interpreter, delivering to the ear what is in the heart. It is on these grounds that Allah (swt) combines all these three in such verses as this:

The hearing and the sight and the heart - of each of these it will be asked [17:36]

So my question is - Allah has blessed you with a wife who protects you from fitnah as clothes would protect you from the heat and the cold. You have more of a reason to lower your gaze, protect your private parts and keep away from the fitnah of woman through the blessings that Allah has given you so why then are you allowing shaytan to make evil seem good in your heart?!

This is nothing but lust and desire, you shouldn't be mixing with this woman to begin let alone allowing your gaze to be let lose on this woman. Allah says in the Qur'an to lower ones gaze and protect their private parts because lust and desire starts by looking and it ends with the private parts confirming what is in ones heart. It amazes me that you converse freely with this woman about your desires and she allowes it while she is claiming to be her so-called best friend!

Shaytan is an open enemy so you must stop being in the presence of this woman completely and if you feel a desire for this woman then turn to your wife because she has been made lawful for you. Beware of the fitnah of women and being careless in their presence because this is what will lead you to your distruction.
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AnonymousPoster
09-23-2009, 11:57 AM
I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.

She don't want to come to the house anymore, she doesn't even want to talk to me, she don't answer her phone. Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?

In a fit of anger yesterday i told her if she doesn't come to the house anymore I'm going to do something stupidd to myself and she said thats my choice and she doesn't want to come anywhere near the house anymore. She said she would never want to hurt my wife, she also said she is putting herself in my wifes shoses and she would be very hurt if her own husband was doing what im doing. Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-23-2009, 12:05 PM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.
so why are you acting on them?

Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?
because you expected and got your hopes up for much more and now you feel let down?

Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).
she isnt being heartless, she is being realistic and loyal. you are fortunate she is doing this. many others would have just jumped at the opportunity to ruin a marriage.

also, you and your wife need to read and research about intermingling.
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AnonymousPoster
09-23-2009, 12:16 PM
Gosh!!! I wish she never came into my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a different person, my wife has noticed too!!!!!!!!!!!! She knows I'm down and moody and home. I keep taking it out on her and snapping.:raging:
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'Abd-al Latif
09-23-2009, 12:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.

She don't want to come to the house anymore, she doesn't even want to talk to me, she don't answer her phone. Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?

In a fit of anger yesterday i told her if she doesn't come to the house anymore I'm going to do something stupidd to myself and she said thats my choice and she doesn't want to come anywhere near the house anymore. She said she would never want to hurt my wife, she also said she is putting herself in my wifes shoses and she would be very hurt if her own husband was doing what im doing. Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).
These are the tricks of shaytan that I am talking about. He will make her seem like the best person in the world, stir your emotions towards her and will put ill feelings in your heart for your wife and son. Shaytan cannot have access to your heart unless you give him the keys so you must surpress these feelings and fight your desires and thank Allah that he has made it easy for you by guiding that woman to do the right thing as well. It would be a lot more difficult if you were to try and keep away while she comes onto you so what is happening is good for you.

Do not talk to this woman on the phone either, cut off all contact and ask Allah to make things easy for you.
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
09-23-2009, 12:23 PM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Gosh!!! I wish she never came into my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a different person, my wife has noticed too!!!!!!!!!!!! She knows I'm down and moody and home. I keep taking it out on her and snapping.:raging:
dont do that :( it'll make matters worse because in turn she'll get angry and frustrated at you and the communication between the two of you will turn sour <---not good at all for your marriage.

seriously, why dont you amend your marriage by taking your wife out somewhere and surprise her...go on a holiday and spend some time out together or something...try to appreciate her and see who the woman is you first fell for...rekindle what you had, and maybe that way you'll see the woman that was always there and fall for her all over again and forget the other one.
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Laila01x
09-23-2009, 12:44 PM
Before i start let me apologise if i am bein harsh....

Firstly...why are you contacting her and seeking attention by sayin you are going to kill yourself!!? Stop acting pathetic and acting like your the one sufferin!
Secondly, lock off all contact with her - i respect the friend a lot by saying she will not come to the house anymore.
Thirdly, your WIFE and you CHILD come first now ok - maybe have a family holiday somewhere - it will do you lot good - and will help bond the relationship.


You ringing her and saying that doesnt make you a man but a moose.

Finally, i know your frustrated but stop taking it out on your wife - she is the innocent one here - how would you feel if you lost her?? The way you are going i wouldnt be surpised if that is the case.

Again, apologise if this sounded harsh - but You need to snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!
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Snowflake
09-23-2009, 03:20 PM
Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).
WHAT? This woman, may Allah increase her, is thinking of her sister in islam and not wanting to destroy her marriage and you are calling her heartless? Wah Wah, keya baat hai!

What about you? Do you have a heart? You expect some woman to feel for you when you have done nothing for her.. and yet you yourself don't feel anything for your wife who's been there for you, gave herself to you whenever you desired and are willing to hurt her and ruin her life? She carried your seed for nine uncomfortable months until she suffered to give birth to your offspring. You are indebted to her and this is how you want to pay her back? Get a grip on yourself man, and fall on your knees and ask Allah to save you from the shaytaan. You will get over her if you take the right measures. I pray Allah gives you a speedy recovery from this disease. Ameen. And please don't call this love. It's an insult to those who really love someone.
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HopeFul
09-23-2009, 05:06 PM
I have only one thing to say, sorry if I offend someone but


You are stupid. People like youa re always losers as they have no control over their lusts and look at what all the people are telling you and what are your replies

Theya re sayng stop , dont do it stop dont do it and you keep ons aying i said this to her, that to her n will do this or that.


if you were not going to take advice and keep on bothering her and yoursef then why ask for advice here. just to make this category a gossip place?
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syriana
09-23-2009, 06:15 PM
you fell in lust brother... there is a difference.. Trust me its not worth it pursuing this "lust" , no good will come of it.
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al Amaanah
09-23-2009, 06:17 PM
:salamext:

fear Allah.

:w:
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kwolney01
09-23-2009, 06:35 PM
Stay away from her. If she comes over leave the room or go do something else. You mentioned that you love her...but all you said was she always looks like a model and always looks good.

Your married and you are betraying your wife by lusting or as you say loving this girl. Your emotionally cheating on your wife and the best thing to do is stay away from this girl. I would let your wife know what's going on, but try not to hurt her.

Just think about how your wife would feel about this and how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

Stop calling her and talking to her without your wife around. Do not make things harder on yourself by continuing to contact her.
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AnonymousPoster
09-23-2009, 06:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Wow i didn't know i'd get a bashing of this sort :embarrass :exhausted

I've seen her without the makeup, ive seen her in the mornings (when she stays round) and I still have feelings for her. I seriously need to avoid her.

I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.
She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:
What is wrong with you... you're married talking about another woman in such a way...

Go tell your wife about this and see what happens... if you're so confident then why don't you go tell your kids about this
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Intisar
09-23-2009, 07:41 PM
Just goes to show how pertinent lowering one's gaze (male or female) is.

Cut off all contact. It's obviously the root of the problem.
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Rasema
10-29-2009, 01:40 AM
:sl:
She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her.
Brother, I have to say that your thread made me laugh.
I'm nobody to give you an advice but these feelings you have for her is just sexual attraction. It is in your nature but you are blamed for acting upon your desires. How can you not feel guilty that Allah isn't satisfies with you?
My brain would hurt!
There ar eso many commands to worry about and you are looking the kind of woman that the Prophet,saws,cursed! I f you love the Prophet,saws, you wouldn't "love" her.

You know what to do:
1. gain knowledge about Islam
2. Act upon it.
3. Observe the nature(plants, etc...)
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tetsujin
10-29-2009, 05:39 PM
I didn't read responses after the first page.

I would say you owe your wife honesty above all else. Keeping this from her will hurt your relationship with your wife and her relationship with her friend.

If you can't be honest with your wife, then no one can help you.


All the best,


Faysal


PS: After reading the other pages, it's obvious to me that you need to talk to your wife. Your wife has noticed your mood swings, her friend has stopped coming around. Don't let your wife's suspicions grow. Face the situation, tell her you still love her (as you said in the first post) but that you need some help (which is why you're here).
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Raphael
10-29-2009, 06:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.

Hmmmm, some good advise, and some "good advise" here. Aren't you happy to be in the company of such morally superior people? I know it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :D I always found it aberrant people don't open up more, except for "halal" problems!?

Anyway....


If you do not realise this "model" is toying with you, and loving every minute of it, then please remove that stylish shalwar kameez wrapped blindfold from your eyes and wake up! You may love her, but she probably thinks of you no more than a fat kid does a fairy cake - a light snack! You're going to sacrifice your marriage for a light snack???? Man you didn't even make it to starters and soup! Shame on you! :p

Feelings are preternatural, and we do not always have control of them. DARN IT, I forgot my company! Where are my manners! Some of us cannot control our feelings. However lucky for us that Allah gave us not just a heart, but a brain!

I have nothing but contempt for the women you described, because she is a snake, one that will kill you with a single dose of death into your heart. The people who suffer - your wife and kid.

Throw away those boyish emotions, be a man, and take care of your family.

We all have faults, but it is how we deal with them that open up the gates of jannah.


May Allah make it easy for you.
Ameen.
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~*Fatima*~
10-29-2009, 06:17 PM
:sl:
Bro~! Firstly I would say. That Allhumdurillah at least you know that what you are doing is not right. That's why you are approaching us. Inshallah Allah will Help you to right path as you are trying, I will say that you are. I mean how many male come here like this and Confess that they are doing this?
I give you Thumbs up for realizing your bad habit. Now what is needed to be done is pretty much told by our Sis's and Bro's. I know they have answered a bit ruthlessly but they are right~!
What you're feeling is nothing but crush because as you explained you Like her Appearance. Not her personalty~!
Solution:
As I red one Bro or Sis has mention. Get your Wife that kind of clothing. It's the style you like. Ask you wife to do it too. As that's what attracted you.
& Yes, it lust.
As you mention you want to smell her hair and whatever. Pray to Allah AS well that he may save you from doing something Sinfull.
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Asiyah3
10-29-2009, 06:56 PM
As-salaamu aleykum,

I was really sad to read about this, I felt so bad for your wife and for your children. Just one advice, fear Allah bro.

Brothers and sisters let us take this as a lesson
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mariyyah
10-30-2009, 03:29 PM
Mister anonyms,

I always like so much my husband when he always said that there is no physicall difference between women to women because hes right we are all the women we got same things , Bring any ugly women put make up on her face change her hair colour and gives her nice dress she will look more than a model .

You said you saw her in the morning without make up i will give you a secret that all women do it in the morning pretending that there is no make up on their face and they are natural , they can wash their face and put a little font de teint and powder cover all the mistakes and put a little bit kohol and lipsticks and you can see her as a natural beauty without noticing any make up an other thing some women they sleep with make up and when they wake up in the morning even you see them or they wash their face still the make up there as a little but attractive so thats all tricks believe me .

Why not buy nice attractive clothes to your wife and nice make up and ask her to do it for you believe me it will make sense,

I blame your wife as well because she allowed this stupid idiot woman to stay with her while you are at home and also may be she doesnt care of her look but just a little notice and reminder from you could save the story and marriage.

The worst is what you are doing is zina and is the biggest sins in the islam and ALLAH SWT does not forgive it easily and you should be stoned in this dunya waiting for your punishment in the hereafter

repent to ALLAH SWT and ask ALLAH SWT to forgive you and protect your marriage and ignore this woman is only sheytan makes her attractive in your eyes but in reality shes not not you know why because sheytan enjoy to put you in his list and to take you with him to jahannam the hell he doesnt wanna go by himself but he wanna take all the people who follow him

think of ALLAH SWT and your son and wife and ALLAH SWT gives you hidaya ameen
Reply

cat eyes
10-30-2009, 09:03 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by mariyyah
Mister anonyms,

I always like so much my husband when he always said that there is no physicall difference between women to women because hes right we are all the women we got same things , Bring any ugly women put make up on her face change her hair colour and gives her nice dress she will look more than a model .

You said you saw her in the morning without make up i will give you a secret that all women do it in the morning pretending that there is no make up on their face and they are natural , they can wash their face and put a little font de teint and powder cover all the mistakes and put a little bit kohol and lipsticks and you can see her as a natural beauty without noticing any make up an other thing some women they sleep with make up and when they wake up in the morning even you see them or they wash their face still the make up there as a little but attractive so thats all tricks believe me .

Why not buy nice attractive clothes to your wife and nice make up and ask her to do it for you believe me it will make sense,

I blame your wife as well because she allowed this stupid idiot woman to stay with her while you are at home and also may be she doesnt care of her look but just a little notice and reminder from you could save the story and marriage.

The worst is what you are doing is zina and is the biggest sins in the islam and ALLAH SWT does not forgive it easily and you should be stoned in this dunya waiting for your punishment in the hereafter

repent to ALLAH SWT and ask ALLAH SWT to forgive you and protect your marriage and ignore this woman is only sheytan makes her attractive in your eyes but in reality shes not not you know why because sheytan enjoy to put you in his list and to take you with him to jahannam the hell he doesnt wanna go by himself but he wanna take all the people who follow him

think of ALLAH SWT and your son and wife and ALLAH SWT gives you hidaya ameen
thats right sis we women don't even have to say anything to lie you know:giggling: we wear high heels to make us look taller we dye our hair and its not even our natural colour and the make up is the biggest lie of all because these silly men think it looks natural hehehahehahehaaa
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