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atownsuga
10-01-2009, 03:40 AM
I can't stand it when my dad yells at me and mostly its towards my mom. He would yell at her if "I" was late to his store, or just anything I did wrong. He would yell at her for doing something wrong, even just little things for ex. when we just purchased new dining table sets and the people dropped it off at our house and my om was the only one there and she wasn't supposed to sign the paper until they fixed in the chairs and table but she just got confused and signed it before they fixed anything and they just left w/o fixing them in so my dad yelled at her for that and my mom was crying. I have seen her cry quite a bit and i start crying when i see her cry or being sad. My dad would also yell at us, esp. my mom if I or she did not go to church (which is everyday) I just hate and want to move out so badly!!
I have confronted him about all this before and it was just bad , it turned into crying and what not and he promised (which he has done maybe 2-3 already) to not ever yell at us , esp. my mom. BUT guess what, he still does it. I have even told me that you mostly yell at something i;ve done wrong, or any mistake i did , just yelll at me and not my mom (I WOULD EVEN BE READY TO JUST ;'ME' BEING YELLED AT RATHER THAN MY MOM) This may not be everyday but when it is, it just sets this bad mood in the house and I cry and have become to blame myself at times for many things my dad yelling at mom for. For example today, it was my fault that i didnt wake up in time and get everything done in time because we were gonna go to my relatives house at a certain time if possible and he yelled at her for that too!! (he's too much about his relatives: sister, mother, etc; if they say anything then that just has to happen no matter what my mom might say, he would just ignore her ) and she yelled at me of course and then I felt like crying and what not.
He would sometimes also put her down by comparing her to lets say her own sister or other women!
And I always think i will just not talk to him but i just then think like w/e maybe its okay, itll get better in the future but inside i just cry about it a lot. I may not show it to my parents all the time but when in bed, i think of that i just cry and pray for my family ;(
would you guys think this is verbal abuse?

* 17 minutes ago
* - 4 days left to answer.

Additional Details
like i do love my dad but when he yells at my mom or myself, i just hate him and wished that my parents would separate :(
I am of a muslim family so doing something like that people find it disgraceful so my mom probably would never do so!
I just want to get out of my own house, move out! I am in college right now but being a girl its hard for my dad to allow me to do many things such as just hanging out so sometimes i just have to lie :(
The main reasons i am trying to transfer to a college thats far is because i want to stay away.

13 minutes ago
we're from Pakistan, and I don't know much about his growing up as in if his family was like that but this is stressing me out at times ...
Its like im just trying to convince myself one way or another that this is not verbal abuse but even though i want them to separate at times. i love my parents but separately!
He's also very into religion and since in muslims(there are 2 types: shia and sunni) my moms side converted to sunni and my dads are still shia, the other side, and he just gets crazy about that sort of stuff if we dont go to church ! personally i don't follow his 'religion and follow the one that i find right which is of my mom's side, just believing in allah and only allah.. but just hiding it from him..
*if that helped any*



what should i do?
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atownsuga
10-01-2009, 07:11 AM
any help?
any advice in what should be done, or should i just leave it alone?
i am tired of this , its stressful and just definitely feel bad for my mom :(
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Ummu Sufyaan
10-01-2009, 11:29 AM
:sl:
so sorry to hear about your mum imsad. i advice you to go to a shiekh and see she can do in regards to separating from him.

dont move out and leave her alone. be there for her and comfort her when she is upset. give her a cuddle and make her feel that she has at least someone. just stand by her.

it is understandable that you love your dad, and yet go through moments where you loathe him and cant stand him. there's nothing you can do about that. people teach you how to treat them. but, for the sake of Allah, above all, do not transgress his rights as your father. what he does to your mum and how you treat him, are 2 different things and you still have a responsibility towards him. you also should consider giving dawah to him as well...

try convince your mum not to worry what people have to say and tell her that maaany women (yes, including Muslim) go through divorce and separate. it isnt something to be ashamed of and worry about as Islam has allowed it. tell her that people who do not understand what it is like to be abused by a husband are not worth taking their ignorant opinion from.


lastly pray to Allah for a solution, and have lots of patience. it took someone near and dear to me, 27 years to desperate form her abusive husband.
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GuestFellow
10-01-2009, 11:29 AM
Salaam.

My dad would also yell at us, esp. my mom if I or she did not go to church (which is everyday) I just hate and want to move out so badly!!
He's also very into religion and since in muslims(there are 2 types: shia and sunni) my moms side converted to sunni and my dads are still shia, the other side, and he just gets crazy about that sort of stuff if we dont go to church !
Is your dad is a Christian or Shia Muslim? Muslims do not attend Church on a regular basis.
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atownsuga
10-01-2009, 12:23 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by atownsuga
I can't stand it when my dad yells at me and mostly its towards my mom. He would yell at her if "I" was late to his store, or just anything I did wrong. He would yell at her for doing something wrong, even just little things for ex. when we just purchased new dining table sets and the people dropped it off at our house and my om was the only one there and she wasn't supposed to sign the paper until they fixed in the chairs and table but she just got confused and signed it before they fixed anything and they just left w/o fixing them in so my dad yelled at her for that and my mom was crying. I have seen her cry quite a bit and i start crying when i see her cry or being sad. My dad would also yell at us, esp. my mom if I or she did not go to church (which is everyday) I just hate and want to move out so badly!!
I have confronted him about all this before and it was just bad , it turned into crying and what not and he promised (which he has done maybe 2-3 already) to not ever yell at us , esp. my mom. BUT guess what, he still does it. I have even told me that you mostly yell at something i;ve done wrong, or any mistake i did , just yelll at me and not my mom (I WOULD EVEN BE READY TO JUST ;'ME' BEING YELLED AT RATHER THAN MY MOM) This may not be everyday but when it is, it just sets this bad mood in the house and I cry and have become to blame myself at times for many things my dad yelling at mom for. For example today, it was my fault that i didnt wake up in time and get everything done in time because we were gonna go to my relatives house at a certain time if possible and he yelled at her for that too!! (he's too much about his relatives: sister, mother, etc; if they say anything then that just has to happen no matter what my mom might say, he would just ignore her ) and she yelled at me of course and then I felt like crying and what not.
He would sometimes also put her down by comparing her to lets say her own sister or other women!
And I always think i will just not talk to him but i just then think like w/e maybe its okay, itll get better in the future but inside i just cry about it a lot. I may not show it to my parents all the time but when in bed, i think of that i just cry and pray for my family ;(
would you guys think this is verbal abuse?

* 17 minutes ago
* - 4 days left to answer.

Additional Details
like i do love my dad but when he yells at my mom or myself, i just hate him and wished that my parents would separate :(
I am of a muslim family so doing something like that people find it disgraceful so my mom probably would never do so!
I just want to get out of my own house, move out! I am in college right now but being a girl its hard for my dad to allow me to do many things such as just hanging out so sometimes i just have to lie :(
The main reasons i am trying to transfer to a college thats far is because i want to stay away.

13 minutes ago
we're from Pakistan, and I don't know much about his growing up as in if his family was like that but this is stressing me out at times ...
Its like im just trying to convince myself one way or another that this is not verbal abuse but even though i want them to separate at times. i love my parents but separately!
He's also very into religion and since in muslims(there are 2 types: shia and sunni) my moms side converted to sunni and my dads are still shia, the other side, and he just gets crazy about that sort of stuff if we dont go to church ! personally i don't follow his 'religion and follow the one that i find right which is of my mom's side, just believing in allah and only allah.. but just hiding it from him..
*if that helped any*


what should i do?
--ps. we are shia muslims (not christians, i just say church in english but its just a prayer hall we attend on a daily basis, its not really a mosque because theres no namaz, etc. there)
Reply

DigitalStorm82
10-01-2009, 12:27 PM
Talk to your relatives that have a greater influence over him... have him talk...

something like... if you keep this up... you'll have no one to yell at... What will you do then? Maybe he'll wake up and realize his errors...
Reply

Sampharo
10-01-2009, 02:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by atownsuga
any help?
any advice in what should be done, or should i just leave it alone?
i am tired of this , its stressful and just definitely feel bad for my mom :(
Sorry to hear about your problems.

I just wanted to tell you however, even though it's not what you were asking about and may not be even what you want to hear, but your parents' marriage is no longer valid since your mother reverted to Sunni Islam and he didn't. That is if your father is on the Ethna Ashareyya (twelvers) or Alaweyya (which I am guessing he is since you say you go to the "prayer hall"). If he is Zaidi then it is a different matter and their marriage is still valid.

God knows best.
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atownsuga
10-02-2009, 02:22 AM
I just talked to my mother about this and she just tells me to explain to my dad about this because he is more likely to listen to me. I also asked my mother if she ever felt like separating and she said yes, but now she says its too late to divorce or anything, she says im talking nonsense or something.
I feel sad about this, i dont know how to start the talk with my dad and its just when i do start to talk i start to cry and im just not able to say half the things i may want to!
i want to move out of my house also because sometimes i feel like if i make any mistakes, he would just take his anger out on my mom and if i move out , he wont be seeing my mistakes or anything so everything will be fine but he sort of does not want me to move out for college. he wants to me to stay at home and go to college.
i just want this to work out between them or actually better i want them to separate, i know i may sound like a bad person/daughter but i feel thats best for them, or atleast my mom and i.
i love my dad too but just hate him when anything is said to my mom about anything .
he just seems to let his anger out on us, even if its our fault or not , its just his tone, his anger, just scares us.
i cant really talk to anyone i feel because everyone in my family i feel would just favour him , esp. his own sister who he is influenced by a lot and i hate it because shes just not the best person to talk to about any of this.!


-we are actually shia muslims (go to jamat khana;aka prayer hall) and my mom and myself just dont prefer to go to jamat khana (but have to because of our dad) but in our hearts we just pray to allah and try to pray namaz (at least right now i have tried to pray namaz everyday, maybe not 5 times, just 1 time but Qaza the whole missed namaz, my mom just gets lazy and tired, unable to pray but she tries. but on the whole we just truly believe in Allah and only him, and preferNOT to go to jamat khana but have to because my dad is truly religious towards shia nizar imami..


-sorry for the sloppy writing, im just trying to get my thoughts out quickly.
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