format_quote Originally Posted by
AnonymousGender
I'm just posting this because it's much easier being anonymous then speaking to anyone I know.
I've lost trust in everything, being it colleagues, friends or family. I still believe in Allah(swt) as that is the only thing keeping me from going on day to day.
I feeling like I'm living without me and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel inside.
I feel like I have nothing to live for, I work in a job I hate but I have no skills to go elsewhere, and I have no social life at all.
I'm not married as I don't really want to get into that type of relationship if I'm not strong enough to cope, as that would be wrecking 2 families not just one person.
I wait until night and then I cry quietly but I'll losing the faith to live, but I can't die because I'm a muslim and that's a sin. I don't go out clubbing, smoke, drink, have a boy friend etc, and try and read my prayers etc but whereas before they used to help they no longer do and just make me feel worse about the situaion
I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo between life and death and I can't choose death purely because of my faith.
You know, I believe I have the right to say that I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Those who have been on this forum long enough will know a bit about my personal struggles in life.
If you'll allow me, I'm going to squeeze myself into bed right beside you as you cry. I'm going to talk to you. If you listen, I'd appreciate it. If you don't, feel the warmth my fat body is giving you. (I hope you're a sister btw, otherwise it'd be extremely awkward- you sound like a lady anyway).
You have not indicated what your issue is. That is, we do not know what the underlying problem is in your life or what has caused this situation. But it doesn't matter. Not to us anyway. You can take our advice and implement it into your situation as you see fit.
I think for people like us-those who feel lonely and pretty much are lonely- it seems as though God pushes things away from us. Nothing seems to ever go right and you loathe those who have 'luck'. I look at my peers and it frustrates me. They have all gotten married, finished uni, have jobs etc. I'm tumbling about behind them; unable to maintain a stable social life and find a part-time job. It doesn't seem fair. And you know what, it isnt fair. But not everything can be fair. In order to maintain a greater order in the universe, somethings have to be unfair. Little fish have to be eaten by bigger fish. Poor kids in Africa need to starve in order for us wealthier people to be tested-to see whether we will give our charity to them or not.
Just the same, some of us need to live disadvantaged lives. Some of us need to be depressed and some of us need to be alone. It's not fair. But, we need to understand that there is a world beyond ours and everything works for a larger scheme. The world seems to run away from us. Nothing goes right. We stop trusting ourselves, the people around us and our families. We fear the future because we dont trust the future. Last week I had a very bad episode. I sincerely wanted to kill myself beacuse I realised that every day brings me more and more pain. I actually convinced myself that God himself wanted me to kill myself. I refused to harbour such thoughts of suicide. I fell asleep crying and woke up the next morning to a very huge domestic fight focused on my uselessness in the household. I was put on the spot- my parents were yelling at me- telling me that my uni degree is useless, that i have no job, that im using up too much money, that I havent gotten married and that no man will want me coz I am a loser.
I cried my way to uni wondering why the hell I woke up that morning. Why the hell I hadnt just taken my life. Im lucky enough to go to a beautiful uni. My uni has a huge park with a huge pond and massive trees. I lay beneath of of the trees all day. I cried, slept, cried, slept and cried and slept.
I havent answered my phone in two weeks. I havent replied to smses. I deacticated facebook. I cant be bothered with people at the moment. I cant believe Im being bothered here...but I felt your pain.
Theres a fine line between trust and distrust. You dont trust anyone or anything...but you have no other choice. Sometimes I feel that God pushes the world away from me coz he wants me to himself. I know and he knows that I have the potential to become ruined if this world were to smile at me. If I became one with this world, I wouldnt be a very good muslim..I know that. So he makes the world frown at me..and I frown at it. Smetimes I frown at God. To be honest, I hate him on some days. I cant comprehend how far he wants to push me or how unfair he wants to make things for me...but when I take a step back, I see that he keeps me in order in this way.
There is a greater wisdom behind everything. I know that my life has made me stronger, wiser and more mature than my peers- which is a whole new issue on its own- and I know that I have a greater purpose in this world...I just havent been given the mark to use it yet.
If anything, sis, wait for that green light. Wait for the mark where everything you are living at the moment and have lived becomes useful to either you, someone else or a whole heap of people. I cant tell you things will be ok. But honestly, as long as you are healthy and have the internet at your fingertips and a job to sustain yourself, everything is ok right now. Mind over matter-always.
If Ive learnt anything at all, it is that God doesnt waste a single thing. Every second that we live has purpose. He would not waste that second. Everything he creates, including you, has a purpose. He wouldnt waste you. He is pushing the world away from you for a reason. Find that reason and try to keep it in mind. You wont always remember this and you will let go of him and trust in your religion at times, but thats ok. You are human. You are being tested and God understands what you are going through...but he must put you through it for your own good. Trust me. He wouldnt waste your tears like that- He is more merciful than all mothers combined.
Some of us are sheep, some are shepherds. He's creating a shepherd out of you. You aren't supposed to fit in. You have to struggle your bottom off in order to make things work for you- and you will appreciate it one day- or atleast someone or something or some people will.
There is a saying in Turkish- 'If God hadnt wanted to give- he wouldnt have given you the ability to want'. Dont be afraid to want. But never ever expect. You will always hurt yourself if you expect. Again, never ever expect. If you want to die- die. But not physically. Stop expecting. Stop attaching yourself to this world. Just ask of him and be patient. That way, you will have something to hang on to and something to have trust in.
Take everyday one at a time. Life wont feel like a burden that way. Remember that life can carry you- you dont have to carry it. But dont expect it to carry you...just live.