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kitten
10-25-2009, 08:51 PM
:sl:

So i fell into the dating trap 9 months ago. The brother in question said he was looking for a wife. I knew this because he was my friends older brother.

To cut a long story short we talked and whatnot and it astahghfirllah it somehow turned into a bf/gf relationship rather than just merely trying to get to know each other.

As soon as i started to develop strong feelings for him and to finally tell my family, he chickened out and told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship".

So alhamdulilah Allah swt gave me the courage to end it, because I truly wanted to make it halal.

But I'm completely heartbroken. SubhanalAllah. It's a horrid feeling and never . NEVER would i put myself in such a position again. InshaAllah never.

My question though is. I feel wronged. Am I?

Allah swt as my witness knows how my intentions were pure from the start. How many duas I made to fulfil my duties as a wife inshaAllah for him one day. SubhanAllah. All my duas were focused on this.

Have i been wronged here?


This guy knew what he had gotten himself into. I had never been with anyone before and the first time i did, i wanted to ensure it was going to lead to something. Surely he knew I was more suceptible to hurt than any other random girl?

He claimed marriage at the start and ended up leading me on and using me. Toyed with my emotions and was relieved i ended it, saying he didn't have the guts to do so. How dare he let me carry on with him like that, while i grew attached to him he bailed and waited for me to leave him?

I have repented and still will. Please tell me if I would gain some justice out of this. Surely Allah swt wont let him let away for hurting and using me like this?
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zakirs
10-26-2009, 11:28 AM
:sl: sister..

Sorry to hear about your story .. Its very shameful on the brothers part when he rejected to ask your family about marriage.And you did a small mistake and you were brave enough to step out of it.Pray to Allah to forgive you,

Surely Allah swt wont let him let away for hurting and using me like this?
Its only for the Supreme being to decide on .. we are nobody to think about it sis.Everybody will get his share for his sins.
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Woodrow
10-26-2009, 11:38 AM
I believe you will gain justice for it as a result of your sincere repentance. But, the justice may not be what you will see as justice for a long time. I do believe you will also gain the strength to understand that people can not use any of us without our allowing it ether because of our own desires or from our lack of following that which we are commanded to follow.
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cat eyes
10-26-2009, 02:17 PM
:sl:

i admire your strenght to end it :) not many girls are like you so may Allah reward you for it. do you know how many girls carrying on believing that a guy like this is worth it and actually believe that a person that behaves like this is ''the One''.

how far did you go into this relation was it just talking and meeting alone? well if you didn't commit zina you had a blessed escape. any man who treats a lady in this way is a player. he took advantage of you and yes of course i believe you that you wanted marriage from the start. every innocent girl who falls into this trap always wants marriage from the start and he knew exactly what he was doing to to you sister.

may Allah give you more courage to forget and move on.
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noorseeker
10-26-2009, 02:33 PM
If you get involved in relationships, you have to suffer the consequences, i dont see what justice you want carried out.

If i walk into a casino and someone robs me, do i want to see justice , um yes
but i shouldnt be in the casino in the first place.
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greenpeals
10-26-2009, 03:05 PM
Asalam wu alakom,

You should be happy that you have gained two things here.
1. You have learned and understood why dating is a negative
2. You have gained a chance to find a good future husband inshallah.

We all know the rules but when we understand them better we become stronger followers of Islam
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kitten
10-26-2009, 06:23 PM
:sl:
Thank you/jazakAllah for the replies. :)


how far did you go into this relation was it just talking and meeting alone?
No sis, alhamdulilah i didnt sleep with him or do anything near that. But still, if anything i feel emotionally drained and cut up. I do believe i love/loved him. And shaytaans waswasa are adding to this too are making me more miserable.


If you get involved in relationships, you have to suffer the consequences,
i know that . thank you.

If i walk into a casino and someone robs me, do i want to see justice , um yes
but i shouldnt be in the casino in the first place.
do you know that i once said i'd never ever date? subhanAllah. and where did i end up?! please don't speak with the conviction that a person is immune to sinning or knows they wont fall into such traps.

i dont see what justice you want carried out.
that Allah swt makes him realize he can't just string a girl along like, mess her up emotionally and walk away. esp when Lord knows I strived to make it halal.


what goes around comes around if you like.


Ameen to the duas!
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muslimah_81
10-26-2009, 07:08 PM
:sl: sister


I am in a very similar situation to you.

I totally understand how you feel. Like you have been used.
I had good intentions and wanted to marry this guy but it seems like he didnt have this intention.

I turned to Allah and Alhumdulilah I am starting to feel better.

I have learnt a lot from this.
I do find it difficult to deal with at times but I have repented for the wrong that I did (Being friends with a male) and hope that Allah forgives me. Although I believe that Allah will give me justice for the pain that has been caused to me.

Just make dua and trust Allah. Dua is the weapon of the believer. Trust Allah and good will come out of this and you will become stronger.
Allah will replace him with someone better InshaAllah.
Remember everything happens for a reason and it will get easier.

Also Shaytan will whisper to you at a time like this but recognise it and fight it.
Read the Quran as this really helped me.

and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know. (2:216)
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noorseeker
10-26-2009, 07:58 PM
im sorry sister if my post seemed a bit harsh,

I do realise now you are repenting and feeliing hurt for what you got involved in.

he wont realise till it happens to him, a lot of guys can switch off emotionally im sad to say, we just dont realise what damage we are doing.
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kitten
10-26-2009, 08:14 PM
a lot of guys can switch off emotionally im sad to say, we just dont realise what damage we are doing.
I know. His sister, my friend even told him he'll probably never get anyone as good as me again for what he did to me!

He has just shut off completely because he can't man up for taking me to such an emotional level and feels guilty for where he has led me.

He can't live the rest of his indifferent to the grief he has caused.


sis muslima, thank you for your post. Alhamdulilah you are finding strength in your imaan . InshaAllah I will too
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OurIslamic
10-26-2009, 08:18 PM
I'm sorry about what happened to you, and I think that he has wronged you.

However, don't you think you asked for it? You never should have tried the "dating game" in the first place.
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cat eyes
10-26-2009, 09:02 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by nightstar
im sorry sister if my post seemed a bit harsh,

I do realise now you are repenting and feeliing hurt for what you got involved in.

he wont realise till it happens to him, a lot of guys can switch off emotionally im sad to say, we just dont realise what damage we are doing.
women can switch off emotionally 2:shade:
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muslimah_81
10-26-2009, 09:03 PM
Thank you for your kind words Cat eyes
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kitten
10-26-2009, 09:08 PM
However, don't you think you asked for it? You never should have tried the "dating game" in the first place.
No actually. I don't. His sister and he stated he wanted to get married. Simple as. I'm not going to take the blame for him being an indecisive jerk.
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Ummu Sufyaan
10-28-2009, 07:32 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by nightstar
im sorry sister if my post seemed a bit harsh,

I do realise now you are repenting and feeliing hurt for what you got involved in.

he wont realise till it happens to him, a lot of guys can switch off emotionally im sad to say, we just dont realise what damage we are doing.
that is the worst excuse i ever heard. everythign is ok becuase you dont realize what your are doing, despite the fact you have given your word! what the heck?!
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
10-28-2009, 12:11 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by kitten
:sl:

So i fell into the dating trap 9 months ago. The brother in question said he was looking for a wife. I knew this because he was my friends older brother.

To cut a long story short we talked and whatnot and it astahghfirllah it somehow turned into a bf/gf relationship rather than just merely trying to get to know each other.

As soon as i started to develop strong feelings for him and to finally tell my family, he chickened out and told me he "wasn't ready for a relationship".

So alhamdulilah Allah swt gave me the courage to end it, because I truly wanted to make it halal.

But I'm completely heartbroken. SubhanalAllah. It's a horrid feeling and never . NEVER would i put myself in such a position again. InshaAllah never.

My question though is. I feel wronged. Am I?

Allah swt as my witness knows how my intentions were pure from the start. How many duas I made to fulfil my duties as a wife inshaAllah for him one day. SubhanAllah. All my duas were focused on this.

Have i been wronged here?


This guy knew what he had gotten himself into. I had never been with anyone before and the first time i did, i wanted to ensure it was going to lead to something. Surely he knew I was more suceptible to hurt than any other random girl?

He claimed marriage at the start and ended up leading me on and using me. Toyed with my emotions and was relieved i ended it, saying he didn't have the guts to do so. How dare he let me carry on with him like that, while i grew attached to him he bailed and waited for me to leave him?

I have repented and still will. Please tell me if I would gain some justice out of this. Surely Allah swt wont let him let away for hurting and using me like this?
Asalaamu Alaikum wr wb, my sister unfortunatley haraam relationships are very common nowadays with the Muslim youth and where you have haraam relationships taking place then you will get countles people getting hurt and scarred for life because of bad experiences.

But what we don't realise is that these haraam relationships are NEVER going to get anywhere because they are not blessed by Allah for they are cursed by Allah because we are ONLY lawful for those who we are married to.

A lot of the time the guy or girl who we have a relationship with is not right for us and they mess us about or have the wrong intentions or just fate i guess that it does'nt get anywhere because they are not meant to be with us in this life.

The fact is sister a lot of people have relationships just to use the other and get what they want which is usually sex. They get what they want and then they have nothing left to stay in the relationship then they leave. Or you will find people who are with someone and when they find something better they leave you and go and try and get something better. Or if they are with you and you are not giving them what they want like sex for example then they look elsewhere.

These things happen a lot in relationships and that is why relationships are haraam! Everything Allah forbids is the best for us that we keep away from it! You see sister when e get into haraam relationships and they go wrong, it can really hurt and scar a person. Especially if you have been with them for so long and then suddenly your not with them no more, then it can certainly hurt you and scar and even leave a person depressed and suicidal!

Relationships are not a guarantee for marriage! They are just two people wanting to give things a go and see where it leads to and it usually leads NOWHERE! Obviously a person will end up getting very hurt especially if that was the persons first relationship and they had dreamed of a life with that person and only ever imagined being with them and doing everything with them.

You see sister everything Islam forbids us from is the best for us to keep away from. Look at how your are still left feeling just because of the pain a guy caused you!

Sister we should really repent for our pasts and think to ourselves:

" It is MY fault for getting into a haraam relationship in the first place! If i had listened to Allah i would have been perfectly alright now but because i went against Allah and listened to shaythan and ended up having a haraam relationship i now have to face the consequances and take the pain in my heart because I caused this and let it happen to me"!

We have to think that to ourselves sister because we chose to go down that path! How would your parents feel if they knew you were seeing a guy and having a relationship with them? Same way how would Allah feel that you had haraam relationship with a man? and now that hes hurt you by leaving you your losing faith in him when you should have listened to him in the first place and you would have been perfect right now!

Sister we have to take responsibility for our actions in life. We chose to go down that path so we have to face the consequances of our actions. But at the end of the day sister we were naive and we have learnt from it! In life how will you learn if you don't fail?

In life sister we don't learn from our successes, we learn from our failiures! So lessons have been learnt and we can take good things from it and lessons from it and do things better now and the future!

Everyone makes mistakes sister its a part of being a human, but we have to accept that we did mistakes and learn from our mistakes.

There is NO need to keep dwelling the past because whats happened has happened now and we are actually VERY lucky that Allah took us out of that situation by making that person leave us!

Imagine he never left you and carried on being with you and done something much worse to you later on. You would have been even more devasted! Your lucky he left you sister because he was VERY clearly NOT right for you! You deserve much better and you WILL get much better and when your married and you look back you will think how stupid was i being all down about a scum like that!

We have to do things the right way the way Allah wants us to do things so if we find a partner in a halal way then we will lead a happy and fulfilling life inshallah!

Remember it is Allah that will make us meet our partners not us! So if we do things the right way don't you think that he will give us the best partners for us? OF COURSE HE WILL INSHALLAH!

My sister whatever happened was good and happened for the best because Allah has a partner MUCH better for you not someone like that who you would NEVER have been happy with in life! My sister thank Allah for getting you out of that situation because i can tell you from what ive seen in life people have gone through MUCH MUCH worse so your VERY VERY lucky and we need to thank Allah SO SO much!

There is no point being bitter sister because at the end of the day you let yourself get into a relationship, no one forced you to do so and because you let yourself get into a relationship you end up getting hurt which is what happens to most people but until you don't let go of this bitterness how will you move on? Will you not just leave it to Allah? Does he not know best? If you put your FULL trust, hope and reliance in Allah that he will deal with it the way he wants then you will not feel like how your feeling. You got into a haram relationship so you should'nt expect too much but you should actually learn from it and think to yourself i did a big mistake but i have leartn from it now and becomne wiser from this experience and thank Allah for getting me out of it because if it led to marriage and then you knew what he was like your life would be ruined so thank Allah profusely!

We need to learn from our past mistakes and do things better now and the future!

My sister this world is only a few hours compared to the hereafter so we need to devote as MUCH time as we can trying to make Allah the happiest and worship him as much as we can! ONLY then will our hearts find contentment which leads to true happiness and tranquility in the heart!

My sister theres no time to waste we need to do as much good as we can becaue death can come at ANY second then it will be too late to add to our good deed accounts! We need to ount our blessings and what Allah has given us because compard to most we have TOO TOO much!

So my sister EVERYTHING has happened for the best and its all about now and the future! Lets make the best use of every second because in the hereafter we will regret EVERY second that we wasted being down and depressed for no reason and we will look back with SO much regret and think why did i waste that time when i could have been remembering Allah! Put your full hopes and faith in him and leave it to him and ask him to forgive all for revenge causes bitterness and we have to rid our hearts of it.
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AnonyMouse~
10-28-2009, 05:10 PM
Asalamualaykum,
I don't think you should worry about what he has done to you or worry about him at all. Rather you should just worry about what you've done and repent sincerely. It's over with now and all you could do now it repent, there's no going back. And at least now you'll be stronger for the future and will know not to fall in the shaitaans trap again. Always keep in mind that when there is a man and woman alone, shaitaan's the third. Theres no such excuse as "just getting to know each other" without a wali. So be careful in the future and may Allah forgive us all and guide us and most of all keep us guided. :)
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Raphael
10-28-2009, 06:51 PM
If I were a Porsche dealership, and a guy walks in and says that he's looking to buy a supercar, that he will reaaaallllll soon, any time now, but was looking to have a quick testdrive...

I would tell the gentlemen to either put the full payment down, and walk away with the car, or tell him to [...], with some choice language I picked up from listening to the gangster version of Sesame Street on YouTube.

Most people that walk into a dealership are time wasting peasants who have neither the resources or commitment to want to own a Porsche.

The problem with allowing someone to test drive is you never really know what could happen - It could be anything from scratching the paintwork, to a full on write off!

But the big difference is that a Porsche dealership has insurance against these fools...

Part of the problem is self worth. A woman is more valuable than any supercar, and even if others don't view her that way, she most certainly should view herself like that. If you don't respect yourself no one else will.

"Looking to get married" is about as worthwhile as saying "looking to buy the Porche." Its just words with no meaning until the paperwork is signed and the deal complete.


Its easy to point blame at people, but ultimately Islam sets down a user manual. READ BEFORE USING THIS APPLIANCE.
When the user manual is not followed, one opens the path for accidents.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Jack Welch said it best -

I've learned that mistakes can often be as good a teacher as success.

All the best.
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-29-2009, 12:17 AM
*face palm*
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kitten
10-30-2009, 11:14 AM
:sl:

jazakAllah and thank you to all those for their kind words of advice.

Time and sabr are great healers. I feel a bit better now. I'm alhamdulilah starting to think about him less and less.

InshaAllah i'll go away stronger and happier as a result for when I meet the right one :)
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Caller الداعي
10-30-2009, 11:18 AM
Allah is All forgiving for those who turn to him! we all learn from our mistakes
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Salahudeen
10-30-2009, 11:41 AM
As the proverb goes, "why do we fall over, so we can learn to pick ourselves up" Just try not to fall over in the same place twice :)
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