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AnonymousPoster
10-26-2009, 12:29 AM
This summer I went back to the "home country" and ended up getting engaged to a man from there. I am American so one of the obvious reason hes marrying me is to come here. He's a good man, religion is a huge part of his life (I just haven't figured out if he picks and chooses what suites him yet). He asked me about the hijab and I told him I plan to wear it one day when I'm ready and not when everyone else tells me to wear it.

We recently had a huge issue over the hijab. He said he can not marry a woman who does not wear the hijab and he's a man who everyone listens to because of his deen. I told him there is no way I am going to wear it if I'm not strong enough to wear it and carry it on my shoulders. That I want to wear it when I feel I can and that if he forces me to wear it I will hate him and the hijab. I told him if he forces me, if we have children how does he want me to explain to them the importance of the hijab if he forces me to wear it. It turned into a huge issue and reached my parents, my grandparents and his family. I'm sure they told him to just leave it alone for now until you marry her because he hasnt brought it up again after that.

I've lost interest in him. I'm not even myself with him, its like all I'm doing is acting and going along with everything. We are doing this long distance thing and the time we use now to get to know each other is the only time we have before we live together. I told him I dont trust him and because I said that, he now says he doesn't trust me. I know he's going to force it on me and I can't deal with it. That is the only thing on my mind these days. I know that the hijab is required in our deen but I want to love it so I can wear it proudly since we are living in America and I will be a face for Muslim woman.

I know a lot of people almost everywhere I go in my community and many of them think Islam is oppressive. If they see me wearing the hijba all of a sudden they will ask, I don't want to have to tell them because my husband wants me to. I can not carry that on my shoulder.

I used to always say once I graduate high school, I will wear it. Now I am close to the end of my college education. I wanted to wear it and this summer I was motivated to wear it and I was determined to start changing myself and get ready to wear the hijab (buying clothes etc. -- take me a year or so-- all before I happened to get engaged). But now I don't even want to wear it. I know I am being stubborn...

Any light that you can shed into this matter will be appreciated
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Sampharo
10-26-2009, 01:07 AM
Assalamu Alaikom, Sister

Allow me to pitch in my viewpoint which may or may not help you see this from a different angle.

Wearing Hijab is an obligation on every muslim, that part is known and granted. I see that you understand that and are just giving yourself time to get psychologically into it. Many will tell you "what if you die before you wear it?". I won't. I will just say: Whether or not your husband asks you about wearing hijab, you know that the one who really ordered it is God almighty. Deal with that as that. In my opinion that part needs to remain SEPARATE from the rest of the matter, which is your husband.

As for your husband, I don't believe this is a good match. Regardless of whether you are right or wrong, but you are under the impression that he is marrying you because of your passport, and you are wondering whether or not he's a hypocrit (based on"he picks and chooses what suites him yet"). He believes he CANNOT marry a woman that is not wearing hijab, and making long-distance demands that don't seem he even cares about who you are and what you want (regardless of the fact that wearing hijab is an obligation in Islam). You have lost interest in him, feel that he's biding his time to when he has control and may then force you to do something he believes is right without caring about your emotions, you don't trust him and he doesn't trust you.

What kind of marriage is this supposed to be?

Sister, the Quranic verse says "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [30:21] Do you feel that with this mate you will be able to dwell in tranquility with them and enjoy love and mercy between you two?

Again, for the fourth or fifth time, yes the hijab is an obligation and you seriously need to make your decision and wear it sister. But I would not say that with such emotions and apprehentions between you and this man, would make good spouses for each other.

God knows best
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ardianto
10-26-2009, 04:11 AM
I still remember when my country ruled by secularist. This was a period when Muslim women who wore hijab were the public enemy number one. They must go out from state school, cannot get a job, or in simple word, they were garbage. This was a period when hijab was a symbol of extremism, symbol of oppression to women.

Then the wind of change came to my country. Many secularist were eliminated or back to Islam. But my country still in its typical, moderate.

Although wear hijab is an obligation in Islam, there is no rule that command Muslim women to wear hijab in my country, except in Aceh province. However, now we can find Muslim women wear hijab in everywhere, in schools, in offices, on the streets. And we can find, there are new hijabis everyday.

They wear hijab not because govt forced them, but because they realize, hijab is not a symbol of extremism, hijab is not a symbol of oppression to women. They realize, hijab doesn't makes a woman look ugly, but hijab makes a woman look so beautiful.

And they never thinking "I should wear hijab but not today", because they realize, no one know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow we still here, maybe tomorrow we are 'there'.

:)
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Hamza Asadullah
10-28-2009, 02:22 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
This summer I went back to the "home country" and ended up getting engaged to a man from there. I am American so one of the obvious reason hes marrying me is to come here. He's a good man, religion is a huge part of his life (I just haven't figured out if he picks and chooses what suites him yet). He asked me about the hijab and I told him I plan to wear it one day when I'm ready and not when everyone else tells me to wear it.

We recently had a huge issue over the hijab. He said he can not marry a woman who does not wear the hijab and he's a man who everyone listens to because of his deen. I told him there is no way I am going to wear it if I'm not strong enough to wear it and carry it on my shoulders. That I want to wear it when I feel I can and that if he forces me to wear it I will hate him and the hijab. I told him if he forces me, if we have children how does he want me to explain to them the importance of the hijab if he forces me to wear it. It turned into a huge issue and reached my parents, my grandparents and his family. I'm sure they told him to just leave it alone for now until you marry her because he hasnt brought it up again after that.

I've lost interest in him. I'm not even myself with him, its like all I'm doing is acting and going along with everything. We are doing this long distance thing and the time we use now to get to know each other is the only time we have before we live together. I told him I dont trust him and because I said that, he now says he doesn't trust me. I know he's going to force it on me and I can't deal with it. That is the only thing on my mind these days. I know that the hijab is required in our deen but I want to love it so I can wear it proudly since we are living in America and I will be a face for Muslim woman.

I know a lot of people almost everywhere I go in my community and many of them think Islam is oppressive. If they see me wearing the hijba all of a sudden they will ask, I don't want to have to tell them because my husband wants me to. I can not carry that on my shoulder.

I used to always say once I graduate high school, I will wear it. Now I am close to the end of my college education. I wanted to wear it and this summer I was motivated to wear it and I was determined to start changing myself and get ready to wear the hijab (buying clothes etc. -- take me a year or so-- all before I happened to get engaged). But now I don't even want to wear it. I know I am being stubborn...

Any light that you can shed into this matter will be appreciated
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister i hope your well and in the best of health and imaan. I hope this article helps as it is a very good article. I have also included links for you at the bottom which you will find very interesting inshallah. Please remember me in your dua's. Allah hafiz

Advice from a sister on hijab

One of the most difficult decisions many Muslim sisters face is the decision to start wearing hijab. This is certainly true for reverts, but may also be true for sisters whose families or even whose cultures are not particularly observant. As a revert myself, I have been through the whole thing. I would like to offer some advice that I hope inshallah will be helpful to sisters who are considering wearing hijab but find that something is holding them back.

The first step is to learn about hijab. There is so much information out there. Many Muslim sisters who will assist you in this regard.

Deciding to wear Hijab


This is where the difficulties usually come in. For many sisters, it truly is a jihad. I remember very vividly how scared I was the first day I put on the headscarf and went out into public. As long as you are just wearing the modest clothes, nobody has to know that you are a Muslim. Once you complete your hijab with the headscarf, you are suddenly announcing to everyone who sees you that "I am a Muslim". Here is some advice based on my own experiences.

Wear it for the sake of Allah SWT

Various statements are made about why you should wear hijab, such as for modesty or for protection, but the real reason that we wear hijab is that Allah SWT has commanded it. Whenever anyone asks you, why do you dress like that, that's the only answer you need to give them.

Allah SWT is the source of everything we have, our existence, our life, our capability, even our goodness. If He ever stopped sustaining us, we would vanish in that instant. If He ever took away what he gives us, we would never have even a speck of it. If we worked for millions of years, we could never repay Him for all that He has given us. And yet He does give it to us, and all He asks in return is that we do our best to obey what He has commanded us. Surely wearing hijab is a very small thing that you can do for Him compared to what He does for you!


Wear it for the hope of Jannah


Allah SWT makes tests for us in this world. He makes things difficult for us. He wants to see if we will remember Him, if we will have faith in Him, and if we will trust in Him. These qualities are what is meant by "sabr".
Allah SWT does not lose the work of anyone, ever (see Surah Ali Imran ayah 195). Even if it seems like nobody is paying attention to you or notices or appreciates good things that you do, Allah SWT has seen them, and He will not forget them. Even when it seems like the whole world is against you, Allah SWT is always there for you when you turn to Him. Remember this.

Allah SWT always wants the best for us and in His wisdom He knows why each thing that happens to us is in fact best for us. When it seems like everything is going wrong and life is just one disaster after another, it is easy to forget this and to become bitter and skeptical. Yet we must remember always to have faith that Allah SWT knows best why He has willed this for us, and we must always ask Him only "Make me pleased with what You have willed for me".
This world we live in, although it seems at times to be the only real thing, is actually fleeting compared to the Hereafter, which is better and more abiding. The trials of this world will seem as fleeting as a nightmare when seen from the Hereafter, and the pleasures of this world will also seem as fleeting as a dream when seen from the Hereafter. It's our happiness in the Hereafter that we should be most worried about attaining, because it is what will last forever; and it's our suffering in the Hereafter that we should be most worried about avoiding, because it also will last forever.

Allah SWT has promised Jannah to those who remain steadfast in their faith in Him and who trust in Him. The more difficult it is for you to have sabr, the greater the reward for it. So what will it be? Ease in this world, and perhaps the eternal sufferings in Hell? Or difficulty in this world, and inshallah the eternal bliss of Jannah? Let's face it, the old cliches are true: there's no such thing as a free lunch and you can almost never have your cake and eat it too. We've all got to face difficulties some time. Better by far that they be in the world than in the Hereafter.
So that's what you should set your mind to. Yes, it's difficult to wear hijab. You may be rejected by your family or your friends, you may face harassment and persecution or be fired from your job. These are very scary thoughts. But if you have sabr and keep trusting in Allah SWT, I swear to you sister, this is the path to Jannah, and when you look back on the Day of Qiyamah you will know that it was worth it and have no regrets.


Wear it today and trust in Allah SWT for tomorrow


What do I mean by that? What I mean is that you should take it one day at a time, or even one outing at a time. Sometimes the future seems to stretch on forever and ever and you don't think you can make it that long. You want to give up before you even begin.

So sometimes the best thing to do is to keep you mind focused on what is immediately at hand. Allah SWT will take care of the future. If you have to go out to the market, then concentrate on being able to wear hijab just for this activity and on getting through it. If you do get through it and nothing bad happened, then give thanks to Allah SWT for making it easy for you, and turn your mind to your next outing.

Or if you have to go out to school or work, then concentrate on being able to wear hijab just for this one day and on getting through it. And give thanks to Allah SWT when you have made it, and turn your mind to the next day.
Eventually the outings will turn into days and the days into weeks, and the weeks into months. One day you will realize that you have been wearing hijab for quite a long time and it isn't really as bad as you feared, and Allah SWT helped you get through it. Don't be ashamed. Sometimes it is like this. The most important thing is to have sabr and keep your trust in Allah SWT always.


Wear it and spite the shaytan


My dear sister, the worries and fears in your mind are the whisperings of the shaytan. He wants to talk you out of obeying Allah SWT.

It is very easy to keep going around in circles in your mind and to dwell on all the things that could go wrong. I know that I myself have a tendency to do this, I put it off and I dither and I wait for "the perfect time". If I let myself, I would never do anything at all!

So the thing you have to remember is that you do not need to be perfect in iman to wear hijab. If perfection were a qualification, where is the sister who could wear it??

You must also not fall into the trap of thinking that you should wait until all your worries and fears have disappeared. They never will! Trust me on this, sister.

True courage is going ahead to do what's right even though you are still nervous and scared. So don't listen to the shaytan. Ignore the worries and fears he whispers into your mind. Tell him that you will not let him keep you from obeying Allah SWT and you will not let him rule your life.

Make the decision to wear it

Once you have come to know in your heart that you must wear hijab, then you have to set a day and


JUST DO IT !!


This is the only way. Set a day and when that day comes, you have to do it. Don't back down. Don't give up. Do it.


Offer salat al-istikhara. Make du'a. Make lots of du'a. Do not stop making du'a. Ask Allah SWT to give you strength. Ask Him to make it easy for you. Ask Him to help you. He will, I swear it to you. He is always there for you when you turn to Him. Remember how much He has given you, how everything that you have, even your very existence, is due to Him. Remember that He deserves this from you. Remember the promise of Jannah. Remember that remaining patient and faithful through difficulty now may lead to Jannah, inshallah. Even if bad things happen, keep these thoughts in your mind. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just concentrate on getting through today, and leave tomorrow to Allah SWT until it gets here.
That's how you do it.

Final Words of Encouragement

I have been wearing hijab since September 1999. I do not regret it. I have never for one instant regretted it. I do not regret it even one iota. Inshallah, you will discover that you feel the same. Even within a few months I came to feel that I would not be properly dressed if I went out not wearing hijab. This is when you know that you have made it!
Never feel that you are alone, or that you are the only one who is scared and worried and nervous. Just about every other sister who has travelled down this road has gone through the same things. I know I have. Your sisters are here for you. We have been where you are. We are encouraging you and cheering you on. We know what it takes because we had to find that in ourselves too. We are praying for your success just as we prayed for our own.

Come and join us.

Allah does not burden a soul except what it can bear. For it is what it has earned, and upon it is what it has made due. "Our Lord and Sustainer, do not condemn us if we forget or do wrong. Our Lord and Sustainer, do not put a burden on us like the burden You put on those who were before us. Our Lord and Sustainer, do not put a burden on us that we cannot endure. And blot out (our sins) and forgive us, and be gentle to us. You are our Protector. So help us against the rejectors." (Surah al-Baqarat ayah 286)

Source Reference: Al-Muhajabah

Here are some VERY interesting and beneficial links!

Hijab’ and the Freedom of Women

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39857

The Status of Women in Islam

http://www.islamfortoday.com/womensrightsbadawi.htm

Very Inspiring Experiences Of Recently Converted Woman

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40169

The Role of Women in Islamic Society-Very good article by revert sister

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39901

Hijab is not a Piece of Cloth on your Head!

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40591

The Best role models for Muslim Women

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41302

Women's Rights in Islam- LOADS OF ARTICLES CONCERNING WOMENS RIGHTS IN ISLAM

http://www.islamfortoday.com/women.htm#Rights
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Danah
10-28-2009, 02:54 PM
Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I told him there is no way I am going to wear it if I'm not strong enough to wear it and carry it on my shoulders. That I want to wear it when I feel I can and that if he forces me to wear it I will hate him and the hijab.
Dear sis, we don't have to like or dislike, strong enough or not to do what is required on us to do.....can you stop praying just because you don't feel that you are strong enough to pray? think of it that way. MashaAllah it seems that you already know that hijab is required from your post:
I know that the hijab is required in our deen but I want to love it so I can wear it proudly since we are living in America and I will be a face for Muslim woman.


but as I said, there are some matters in our deen we cant just do them when we feel like we want to. The Aayah regard Hijab is very clear sis, we can't skip it like that and keep delaying.

I know a lot of people almost everywhere I go in my community and many of them think Islam is oppressive. If they see me wearing the hijba all of a sudden they will ask, I don't want to have to tell them because my husband wants me to. I can not carry that on my shoulder.
First, don't give the others comments that much credit.

Second, wipe this idea off your head that if you wear the hijab now everyone will think that you are doing it for your husband. You don't know, maybe Allah put you through this issue with your to-be-husband to remind you that you took so long since you decided few years ago that you will wear it after you graduate from your high school

I used to always say once I graduate high school, I will wear it. Now I am close to the end of my college education. I wanted to wear it and this summer I was motivated to wear it and I was determined to start changing myself and get ready to wear the hijab (buying clothes etc. -- take me a year or so-- all before I happened to get engaged). But now I don't even want to wear it. I know I am being stubborn...
I don't call this stubbornness, but rather a Shaitan whistling who keep making you delay that decision, how many years passed since you plan to wear hijab? they are all years from your life, do you guarantee that you will be alive until you seriously wear hijab? My dear, this life is short, indeed very short that I can't guarantee being alive after finishing this post I am typing right now, may Allah grant us a good ending. Death come all of sudden...May Allah give you strength to wear it, not for that man but for the sake of Allah pleasure my dear

I remember listening to a scholar talking about hijab in Islam. He said that some girls are dealing with hijab issue like this:

when the girl is still in school, she keep saying that after high school graduation she will wear it since she is still "young"!!

when she graduated, she keep saying after Collage done she will wear it,
some do say after getting married they will wear it *as if hijab is the thing that prevent men to propose to her*

and then after collage graduation, or marriage....they keep saying after they go to Hajj they will wear it!! :hmm: *believe me some people think that way*

later on, for some other reasons....they keep delaying it till they get old, and.......guess what they say now:

"I am already old now, and there is no need to wear it as I am considered from (qawa'ed)"!!!!.....and just like that, their lives go without them fulfilling one of the important instructions of Islam.


feel free to PM me if you need any other help dear :)


:w:
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