Masjid Manners for Dummies [Archive]

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Al Mu'minaat

10-30-2009, 08:13 PM

Though some of them are funny ;D;D, we can relate to many of them.

Masjid Manners for Dummies

(Or, Things that have Happened and should Never Happen Again)

1. Do not enter a Masjid and, upon seeing a dish of food with meat, ask “Is that pork?”
2. Do not enter a one level, open room Masjid and ask “Is this where we pray?”
3. Do not enter a Masjid and ask “Are there any Qurans here?” without looking at the bookcase.
4. Do not enter a room filled with women and ask “Is this the men’s side?”
5. Do not enter a Masjid and change your child’s diapers in the prayer area.
6. Upon changing the babies diaper IN THE BATHROOM, do not leave your child’s diaper on the floor, next to the sink, or in the trash can unless you plan on changing the entire trash can bag.

7. It is not cute when your child spits on other children or people. If spittle must fly, let it kindly and courteously land on you.
8. If your male child is taller or heavier than you, they do not belong on the women’s side.
9. If a sign on a door says “women”, or if a room is filled with women, kindly ensure that you are a female before entering.
10. During Ramadan, or any time there is sharing of food within the Masjid, unless you are pregnant, men should not take food from the women’s side.
11. Ramadan is not the month of gluttony. If you feel the need to eat excessively, restrain yourself, which is part of the religion, or join the catholic during Mardi Gras and indulge yourself.
12. Please note: during Ramadan, your child cannot eat more than an adult, so do not fill their plates as you would fill an adult’s plate. They will only waste the food.
13. When feeding your beloved child at the Masjid, avoid the colour red when giving drinks. No colour stains better than red, and rest assured your child will stain.
14. If your child is in need of a rebuke, do not flinch from this task. It is your duty as his & her parent to improve your child when he & she are in need of it. That is, of course, unless you want someone else to fulfil this duty for you (which I highly doubt, since it would undeniably anger you).
15. When setting a place to eat in a Masjid, whether you are seated on the floor or in a chair, restrain your child from running on the plastic or flavouring your fellow Muslim’s food with the taste of their feet. If you enjoy this taste, by all means, let your child step in your food.
16. If you are about to use the bathroom in a Masjid, and you see a white porcelain bowl looking projection coming from the wall, this is where you sit and do your business, not in the sink, the floor, or trash can.
17. Also when in the bathroom, Muslims are supposed to wash with water not clean themselves with toilet paper.
18. After completing your business in the bathroom, we would hold you in high regard if you would kindly WASH. YOUR. HANDS.
19. If your Masjid has a kitchen sink, do not make wudhu in the kitchen sink. We do not enjoy washing our dirty dishes in your snot.
20. After making wudhu in a bathroom kindly ensure that you have removed all snot from in and around the sink.
21. If you are organizing an event at a Masjid, do not ask if the men and women will be sitting separately. Automatically assume that they will do so.
22. Though the level of sound on the men’s side is at a perfect pitch, do not assume the same could be said of the women’s side. Always check and make sure the women’s side speakers are not blaring the life out of their eardrums.
23. If you are having a guest speaker, be sure he is not entering your Masjid as you insult and defame him. It is highly uncourteous, and will not be remedied with a hug.
24. If a Muslim man’s pants trail behind him when he walks, or one can see his underwear, or if his jalabah trips him up, it is not a sign of being cool. It means you need to join a sewing group.
25. Also, if a man or women enters the Masjid in a flashy new Prada pantsuit, with or without tie, you have no right to be offended if other Muslims do not immediately know that you are Muslim.
26. On the flip side of the above statement, if you enter a Masjid reeking of sweat, onions and garlic, or some indescribable foul odour, kindly exit once more, shower, change your clothes, and return. With deodorant. Women: Not perfume.
27. If there is nothing more than a curtain separating the men’s side from the women’s side; men, face away from the women, and women, preserve your dignity and do not simper and preen.
28. If you arrive at the Eid prayer, women, it does not suffice for you to cover your unscarved head with a piece of paper, napkin, or paper plate. Likewise, since a paper plate, napkin, or piece of paper does not work for one woman, several women are immediately excluded from huddling under one piece of paper, napkin, or paper plate.
29. Women, note: if a Muslim can see the skin of your backside as you pray, do not enter the Masjid. If a Muslim can see your chest, do not enter the Masjid. If people aren’t sure if you really do have neon red lips, or if you are wearing so much makeup you looked bruised in the eye, do not enter the Masjid. If a Muslim can smell you a mile before you arrive, do not enter the Masjid.
30. Men, note: this may surprise you, but you too have children. If they are too much for you to handle, do not send them to the women’s side. Exert your male influence and discipline them. If the women get first pick at food, unless you are pregnant, nursing a child, or chasing little children around all day, do not complain. This may come as a surprise to many, however women are not your enemy; they are most likely your wives. Let them eat, and do not intercept the food chain headed towards the women’s side. If people mistake you for a woman from behind due to your long hair, you need a haircut. If you don’t have the money, anyone’s kitchen knives will do.
31. Teenagers, note: whining is not attractive. Neither is loud giggling, male or female (emphasis on male). You may not be an adult, but that does not mean you can’t stay on your respective sides. If a child is walking past you towards the street or a door, you do not need to be their parent to stop them. If someone hands you a plate of food or water, thank them.
32. When you pray in congregation, there is no need to whisper everything out loud. It is distracting. We know what to say during prayer and don’t need you to remind us loudly. If there is someone who does not know what to say, tell them either before, or after the prayer.
33. If there is a dog outside the doors of a Masjid, there no need to ask if it may enter; automatically assume NO.
34. If the Athaan has been sounded, do not ask if it time to pray, once again, automatically assume it is.

Author: Abu-Tayeb Khairdeen

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