Domestic violence

[AnonymousPoster]

what would you do if you know someone who is verbally and physically abused by her husband?
He has punished her several times in the face, she has black marks all of her face (including eyes), her teeth is broken and lips are splitted as well as broken arm.

[noorseeker]

The woman will usually say she loves the the guy, and not leave, even if everyone told her to leave him.

Shes got battered womens syndrome, dont know exactly what the correct terminolgy is .

But Eventually the women will see the way out before its too late.

[Hamza Asadullah]

what would you do if you know someone who is verbally and physically abused by her husband?
He has punished her several times in the face, she has black marks all of her face (including eyes), her teeth is broken and lips are splitted as well as broken arm.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,read this:

11 tips if your friend is a victim of domestic violence in the West

by Abdul Malik Mujahid

If you have a friend who is the victim of domestic violence, you're not alone. Relatives and friends are those who victims will confide in in these situations. But don't feel helpless as your relative or friend confides in you about the abuse. There are practical things you can do to help at this time of trial and difficulty. Here are some tips:

1. Listen

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that they are confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption. Encourage them to talk about the abuse.

2. Believe them

Do not deny the abuse is happening. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about their relationship, whether it is staying with or leaving the abusive partner on a temporary or permanent basis or not doing anything about it.

3. Respect them

Show your friend that you respect their ability to handle this situation and their ability to cope with it. This can help them regain their own strength and build confidence to deal with it.

4. Respect their feelings

In cases of domestic violence, victims need their feelings validated. To ignore the abuse and sweep it under the rug is wrong and will only serve to keep their feelings inside and the problem to worsen. This is dangerous and destructive.

5. Do not advise

As difficult as it is, it is necessary to do this, especially when your friend first confides in you. The best thing to do is to help your friend reach their own decisions about what to do and when to do it. Help them identify their own options and consequences which might follow. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

6. Tell them they are not to blame

This is important because blame is how the abuser often justifies the abuse. Let them know that no one has the right to abuse another. Tell them what you have learned about spousal violence and cycle of violence. Remind them that Allah does not allow a man to abuse his wife.

7. Discuss safety

Talk to your friend about shelters and other safe places. Discuss how to obtain their services and tell them about creating a protection plan (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for more details).

8. Encourage them to seek help

Persuade them not to ignore the problem and to deal with it for the sake of themselves and their family. Accompany them if they need your support to places like shelters, legal aid, etc.

If you have an Imam you can trust to deal with this situation appropriately, encourage them to seek his help first. It is more likely your friend will feel comfortable with an Imam and an Islamic center than in mainstream social services.

9. Do NOT speak to the partner

This is a big no-no and can worsen the situation. If the abusing partner finds out you know about the situation, he will most likely get even angrier and take it out on the abused partner more than before, as a punishment for telling others about the problem.

10. Keep in contact with them

One of the things abusers do is isolate their victims from family and friends. This makes it easier to perpetrate the domestic violence, since there is no one around to object. Keep in contact with your friend as much as possible, by phone or e-mail at least, to ensure that she has a link with the outside world and that she is not alone, suffering in silence.

11. Dua is connecting with the All-Powerful

Dua (prayer) connects you with the most Powerful one, our Creator. Please make special prayers for your friend who is going through this turmoil. Our beloved Prophet has said that your prayer for a person increases love between you and that person. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.

Source:http://www.soundvision.com/Info/soci...friendwest.asp

[Ummu Sufyaan]

what would you do if you know someone who is verbally and physically abused by her husband?
He has punished her several times in the face, she has black marks all of her face (including eyes), her teeth is broken and lips are splitted as well as broken arm.

oh my...imsad get someone/an imam involved. get her put of there. try change the husband. you need to be careful about how to approach matters like this. the wife may have an emotional attachment to her husband, so telling her she has to get out may backfire...so tip toe around it...
seriously, go see an imam<---first step...

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Woodrow]

oh my...imsad get someone/an imam involved. get her put of there. try change the husband. you need to be careful about how to approach matters like this. the wife may have an emotional attachment to her husband, so telling her she has to get out may backfire...so tip toe around it...
seriously, go see an imam<---first step...

:sl:

While that sounds good and would be the best choice provided and this is a big if provided. The Imam is well experienced and trained with spousal abuse. The Imam may be and proably is a very pious man, but without adequate training in spousal abuse it would do no more good then if the woman was having a heart attack and you waited on the Imam before calling for an amulance. The causes for spousal abuse are very similar to a medical illness and do require the treatment of a professional. Sadly many Imams do not have the adequate training.

Now as far as contcting the husband. That is a major no. An abusive husband wants his acts kept hidden any indication his wife might have told anybody will put her in jeopardy of physical damage.

Listen to what Bro Hamza said in his post.

[ardianto]

Excuse me, excuse me,

May I call the police if I find a domestic violence case like this ?.

[Ayesha_Hanif]

For women who are suffering from domestic violence there is always help for them, I no defiantly in the U.K there is a charity called refuge. They deal with women who have suffered from domestic violence. My husband’s mum actually works there. She tells me that there are people from different ethnic, religious and social backgrounds. And they help them understand that violence is not ok for anyone to suffer from ECT. And if the person doesn’t want to make a report to the police of their perpetrator they don’t have to. They help with funding and if the person is a Muslim for example they can provide them with a Quran, prayer mat and anything they need. what I suggest you do is you speak to the lady who is being abused and tell her about refuge, they don’t deprive you from going out to see other members of the family. They are honestly really great and understanding. There is a refuge in almost every city in the UK.

[Woodrow]

Excuse me, excuse me,

May I call the police if I find a domestic violence case like this ?.

If there is an act of violence taking place. That is probably the best choice. A crime is in progress, it needs to be stopped immediatly.

However, if there is no active act of violence taking place and you only know it has occured, it is best to handle matters as Bro. Hamza suggested.

[sevgi]

I'd grab a bat and smash the guy's head in.

[cat eyes]

:sl:

well is this person your friend and how did you come to know this person was being beaten? i would suggest you call around there with the police as soon as possible. this is not any little thing that you can ignore and imaam dose not have that power to arrest a animal like this. all the imaam can do is advise thats all his job is.
:wa:

[Laila01x]

I'd grab a bat and smash the guy's head in.

id probably more or less do the same thing

[Hamza Asadullah]

I'd grab a bat and smash the guy's head in.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, what use is this sister? We are here to support and advise people not make stupid remarks that will not benefit anyone.

Let us check our intentions before we post anything and ask ourselves will it benefit the person or not? because it seems obvious that some people are not here to give any useful advise at all.

Let us be constructive and try and help others for the pleasure of Allah and not post away useless comments which were not intended to be helpful at all!

We have to use hikmah (Wisdom) for everything we do and say, especially for issues like these.

These issues can be extremely sensative, hurtful and painful for so many people! So comments like yours are very insensative and thoughtless.

Let us say that which is useful and beneficial and if not then let us not say anything at all!

[OurIslamic]

Report it to the police! This is serious!

Make du'a to Allah(SWT) to help her as well!

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

While that sounds good and would be the best choice provided and this is a big if provided. The Imam is well experienced and trained with spousal abuse. The Imam may be and proably is a very pious man, but without adequate training in spousal abuse it would do no more good then if the woman was having a heart attack and you waited on the Imam before calling for an amulance. The causes for spousal abuse are very similar to a medical illness and do require the treatment of a professional. Sadly many Imams do not have the adequate training.

i understand that. i just mentioned the shiekh to find the Islamic solution to the problem eg divorce if need be.

[S_87]

be tempted to beat a coward like that but realistically. ask her to pack some stuff and get her out of there ASAP.

[aamirsaab]

:sl:
Call the d*mn cops!

[AnonymousPoster]

jazzakallah khair for all your replies. I appreciate them all.
Someone asked how I came to know that the wife was beaten. well unfortunately I'm related to the guy. So when he kicked, punched and bitten her he left the house and she went to her parents house who called us and informed us about the situation. At first the sister and her family was certain that the next step would be divorce. However after talks between the two families it has been agreed with the wife's consent that she will go back to her husband. Personally i dont think its good idea as they have only been married for two months. If a man can do that to his wife of two months how can we be sure that he wont hit her again lets say in a few years time or even few months. What worries me more is that the wife has a young boy from previous marriage- if this man could beat his own wife like that what are the chances that he wont hit someone else's child?.


Is it ok if i give the wife the telephone numbers of those people who deal with domestic violence?

[Hamza Asadullah]

jazzakallah khair for all your replies. I appreciate them all.
Someone asked how I came to know that the wife was beaten. well unfortunately I'm related to the guy. So when he kicked, punched and bitten her he left the house and she went to her parents house who called us and informed us about the situation. At first the sister and her family was certain that the next step would be divorce. However after talks between the two families it has been agreed with the wife's consent that she will go back to her husband. Personally i dont think its good idea as they have only been married for two months. If a man can do that to his wife of two months how can we be sure that he wont hit her again lets say in a few years time or even few months. What worries me more is that the wife has a young boy from previous marriage- if this man could beat his own wife like that what are the chances that he wont hit someone else's child?.


Is it ok if i give the wife the telephone numbers of those people who deal with domestic violence?

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister i understand how difficult it is especially for the victim of verbal or physically abusive marriage but if the mediators came to a resolution which the wife felt is worth trying then let it be.

I do understand the saying that "a person who raises his hand is likely to do it again", but he should be given one more chance and if the family and the wife felt like he did deserve one more chance then he should be given it.

Divorce is not easy especially for a women and it should ONLY be undertaken once ALL avenues have been exhausted.

Just talk to the wife and tell her that she should tell you if he ever gets voilent with her again and that if she notices that his voilent tendancies have not changed and that they may occur again then she should not tolerate his voilence again because she would then be risking danger to her child.

Once she realises this then she will be more likely never to tolerate such voilent physical abuse again and she would not be willing to put her child in danger or risk.

So just monitor things carefully for now and let him have one more chance for every sinner has a future and i have heard of people changing after deeply regretting inflicting abuse on their spouse.

May Allah give them a happy and prosperous marriage and give us all the ability to treat our spouses family and other people in the best manner and conduct. Ameen

[mahfuja]

Excuse me, excuse me,

May I call the police if I find a domestic violence case like this ?.

as much as you feel you might be helping them ... calling the police may make things worse for the victim. The police will only take the perpertrator to the station ... question him ... file a report and IF only the victim wishes to take things further then the perpertrator will be convited. But most cases the victim is not ready to escape and to be honest it won't help by you trying to fastforward it for her.

So i urge you to not call the police without her permission.

[sahena12]

Any man that physically hurts a woman is a control freak, a bully and a coward. Do these men usually stand up to 6ft odd wrestlers? i dont think so.

Theres are patterns anyway. theres verbal abuse, threats, saying what you can and cannot wear or do, and put downs. A woman will feel nothing she does is right. These men have little man syndrome and thats not a catch, even if hes super rich or a good father... at the end of the day these men are weak.

[Yusuf -Jamal]

truly sad to read,
SOMETIMES THE ONLY DOOR LEFT TO KNOCK ON IS THE 1 THAT HAS DIVORCE BEHIND IT.

THE ONLY REASON DIVORCE IS HARD FOR WOMEN IS BECAUSE OUR 'CULTURES' LOOK DOWN UPON DIVORCED WMN.

DID THE PROPHET (saw) DO THIS ?
HOW MANY OF HIS WIVES WERE PREVIOUSLY MARRIED HAD CHILDREN ETC.


MY TONGUE CANNOT DO JUSTICE TO HIM.

[ardianto]

as much as you feel you might be helping them ... calling the police may make things worse for the victim. The police will only take the perpertrator to the station ... question him ... file a report and IF only the victim wishes to take things further then the perpertrator will be convited. But most cases the victim is not ready to escape and to be honest it won't help by you trying to fastforward it for her.

So i urge you to not call the police without her permission.

You are right sister.

In many domestic violence cases, the first person who prevent people call the police is the wife herself. They also prevent people hit their husband. Even many of them refuse an idea to ask divorce to their husband and try to defend their husband when people angry to their husband.

I really don't understand why those wives always love their husbands although their husbands always treat them very bad.

But I begin to understand why my teacher said "There is a place in jannah for shaleehah wife".

[Ummu Sufyaan]

However after talks between the two families it has been agreed with the wife's consent that she will go back to her husband.

i hope it was a fair and honest talk not one full of sweet words and brainwashing :heated:

What worries me more is that the wife has a young boy from previous marriage- if this man could beat his own wife like that what are the chances that he wont hit someone else's child?.

what worries me is that next time she may not be able to get out so easily. imsad

Is it ok if i give the wife the telephone numbers of those people who deal with domestic violence?

if anything like this happens again and her family are able to divorce/separate her from him, then i dont think you should anyone else should be involved.

[tango92]

someone very close to me was also the victim of domestic violence, this was very early in her marriage aswell. well what happened was that she told her brother, who drove 700 miles from scotland down to london just to sort out the husband.

by that i mean physically threaten the husband, in most cases husbands like this are cowards and dont know what hurt they are doing the wife.:heated:
but im not so sure about your case, even though the families know about it there seems to be little done to prevent it happening again.

in my experience it would be better for the wife to get divorce now, ive seen the long term psychological effect it can have, especially if she goes on to have children, it would be a horrible environment for kids to have to see their mother in so much pain.:heated:

[cat eyes]

:sl: anybody that can knock a womanz teeth out of her head and break bones i guarantee u these are the worst of abusers and she might not be so lucky to escape ALIVE the next time! The poor sister clearly went back because she loved him and it has reduced me to tearz to find out that there is a child in the middle of all this! It might be that he wont do it again but she should be clever!! She should arrange counceling for his anger problems if a professional who deals with men with these problems can see that this man will Change and wönt hit again then she should only go back to him! I am telling you this is the only mature an wise advice im giving you right now!. There is a kid involved brotherz and sisters! A poor innocent kid! Dont take that risk 2 allow her 2 go back without a experiened and professional councelor 2 confirm he has changed and WONT hit again

[mariyyah]

Assalamou Alaikoum Warahmatou ALLAH Taala Wabarakatou,

I read all your reply but noone mentioned about the islam opinion and punishment regarding a husband who hit his wife , Could someone please give us a surah or hadith regarding this matter ?

[Ansariyah]

Some things aren't worth keeping, she shud leave this Psycho'woman'beater. Theres NO excuse to hit a woman! Why is it always the woman who has to sacrifice her life? If I were her I wud never ever forgive him n make sure I get a divorce asap.

Even animals wud have zero tolerance for this kind of crap! why shud it be subjected to a woman!

Allah says in the Quraan spouses are like garments to one another, a man like this is not that.

[mahfuja]

asalaamu alaikum guys :)

I dont understand why people are not that receptive when it come to the issue of Domestic Violence, maybe because alhamdulillah it is not in a lot of people's radar. But alot of people ARE suffering from this ... and me and a team ARE trying to make a difference for our brothers and sisters

But we cant do it alone and need YOU lots help.

Please private message me to request for a questionnaire. It will literally take 5 minutes to fill up ... we need the opinion of the public to generate a report insha'Allah.

Please support us.

jazakAllah khair

[Snowflake]

jazzakallah khair for all your replies. I appreciate them all.
Someone asked how I came to know that the wife was beaten. well unfortunately I'm related to the guy. So when he kicked, punched and bitten her he left the house and she went to her parents house who called us and informed us about the situation. At first the sister and her family was certain that the next step would be divorce. However after talks between the two families it has been agreed with the wife's consent that she will go back to her husband. Personally i dont think its good idea as they have only been married for two months. If a man can do that to his wife of two months how can we be sure that he wont hit her again lets say in a few years time or even few months. What worries me more is that the wife has a young boy from previous marriage- if this man could beat his own wife like that what are the chances that he wont hit someone else's child?.


Is it ok if i give the wife the telephone numbers of those people who deal with domestic violence?

:sl: Even if the man never hits the child, the child will realise his mother is being beaten and abused by this man and he will come to hate him. Children need good role models and this man is one of the worst. For a woman, whether her child is from her present/previous marriage, the child's welfare comes first. That child may not be able to speak out but he must be sensing his mothers distress and suffering in his own silent world. Witnessing his mother's marriage and treatment can damage him for life. May Allah protect him and the mother. If the man is to be given a chance, he will need professional help as well as Islamic guidence. This may take several months, and in the meantime the abuse may continue. That isn't acceptable.

The sister's parents are aware of the situation and they should set the condition that until the husband reforms (i.e. gets help for his behavior) their daughter will stay with them. For her own welfare and especially for the welfare of that poor innocent child, this is a strong and valid reason for the sister to move out immediately.. If the husband makes no attempt to change, he has had his chance and the sister should ask for divorce. If he begins resorting to threats the police should be called and she should also press charges for the previous abuse.


:sl:

p.s. If I can be of help to the sis in any way, please feel free to pm me.

[touba]

Asslamou ALAIKOUM wARAHMATOU allah taala wabarakatou,

domestic violence is not allowed in the islam because our religion is a peaceful religion alhmadoliallah

First we should know what cause this domestic violence ? why this man beaten his wife? whos fault?

The women should know how to handle the situation and the husband and control his temper to help that no domestic violence happen

If the husband is drink alchool and beaten the wife then this is different story and family should also involve to solve the problem

If the husband beaten the wife cause she make problems and argument and make him fire then she should control her self and make him calm down and inshallah everything will be fine

AND ALLAH SWT KNOWS THE BEST

[mammyluty]

my duas r wth the sister May Allah make it easy for her.i know how it feels to be beaten up by a man,4me it wasnt frm a husband bt from my own brother n father at the same time.bt now am married alhamdullilah so neither of them will dare raise thier hands on me again,not when my husband is alive.May Allah soften the heart of the husband n c how precious a woman can be.

[nilufer]

she should leave him and divorce him no men deserve any good muslim wife i wish if he will find an other women who can really cheat on him and then i will see if he will beat her or not they are coward anyway they gone to the weak women

[mahfuja]

Salaam

Please take out 5 minutes to fill in this questionnaire. We need to unite and help eachother in order to help the oppressed.

http://www.tigersurvey.com/survey.php?survey=13800

This survey will help to create a strong literature and research to forward the domestic violence charity i am working on.

Thank you very much, if possible please circulate the link above

jazakAllah khair

[mahfuja]

JazakAllah khair guys many people have been filling it in! great to see such response. thank you. please spread the link.