haunting pasts....

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

I have a friend who has made many mistakes, some pretty recent. She has fooled around with some men before, but she is changing. She would like to get engaged, but she wants to know if she would have to tell her fiance about her past even though she has changed and has become a better person.

Do you feel you need to tell someone every aspect of your past mistakes? Would it be dishonest if she doesn't? She doesn't want to relive those moments and be judged by them so she is considering not telling anyone because the past is the past and as long as she has changed the past should not matter... any opinons? What does islam say about telling your fiance or husband about your mistakes?

:sl:

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum


if i was to marry a sister, i would H-A-T-E for her to tell me her past misdeeds.

just as i would H-A-T-E if she insisted on me telling her my past misdeeds.

and i think this is more healthy for a relationship.


Assalamu Alaikum

[Raudha]

:sl:

I think if her past deeds will not have an effect on his life and his relationship with her then there is no need for him to know. As long as she is sincerely determined not to go back to her past ways, and is willing to be faithful and honest with him throughout her marriage - he need not know about her past.

Wallahu A'lam

:w:

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ im in agreement with this sister.


Why cause harm when there is no need?

if she has a child, if she is pregnant, if her past is physically and literally affecting her life in the present then out of necessity its understandable if she reveals an amount required to make the prospect understand. Otherwise its best to allow the ones who have made a mistake to start fresh by the mercy of Allah.

Assalamu Alaikum

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[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

I have a friend who has made many mistakes, some pretty recent. She has fooled around with some men before, but she is changing. She would like to get engaged, but she wants to know if she would have to tell her fiance about her past even though she has changed and has become a better person.

Do you feel you need to tell someone every aspect of your past mistakes? Would it be dishonest if she doesn't? She doesn't want to relive those moments and be judged by them so she is considering not telling anyone because the past is the past and as long as she has changed the past should not matter... any opinons? What does islam say about telling your fiance or husband about your mistakes?

:sl:

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, according to a vast majority of scholars one is not obliged to tell ones past sins to anyone and that includes ones past with regards to pre-marital relationships as long as one has sincerely repented for and has changed their ways since, however if the man requires that the girl be chaste and asks if the girl is a virgin or not then he should know the truth because if he found out himself that his wife was not a virgin then it would be much worse and may cause big problems in the marriage however if he does not ask then make sure to establish whether or not he will ask in the future because if he was to find out ones past during marriage then surely it would be much more painful and cause many a problem.

Also if the girl had several relationships and there was a risk of her husband finding out about them then it is best to tell him oneself because him finding out that she lied would result in him losing trust in her but one does not have to go into every detail but is'nt it better to clear everything before marriage rather than risk the fact that he may find out for himself somehow after marriage? The truth usually comes out somehow or another.

[OurIslamic]

I am not sure what a scholar would say, but I do know that lying is Haram. In my opinion, whether or not it is safe to hide my past, I would tell my fiance about it. Marriage is all about trust, without it, nothing good will come :(

[Yusuf -Jamal]

BROTHER I WOULD SINCERELY URGE YOU NOT TO DISCLOSE ANY OF YOUR PAST.
TO OPEN SOMEONE ELSES SINS IS A GRAVE SIN IN ITSELF.
THE SAME APPLIES TO OPENING UP YOUR OWN SINS WHICH FOREVER REASON ALLAH HAS CHOSE THREW HIS MERCY TO KEEP HIDDEN.
:sl:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Thank you all for your advice.... I did not know it was like that at all and I felt it would be dishonest for her to keep the information from him, but i am glad to know that is not the case.

[cat eyes]

:sl: i agree with brother hamza if the sister is not a virgin then itz best to the tell her fiance! If she did not tell him and he found out after the marriage that would seriously mess up any guys head. He'd probably even ask for divorce....and call her other horrible namez and kick her out! Men are not like women they dont take things lightly. This would be a big thing for a man to take in! Because the trust will be broken and men do not forget stuf like this so easily! He will be all the time asking her what stuf did u do with those other guys, he would not trust her believe me. It would just kill him thats y its best 2let him know before marriage! He would deserve 2know something like this. However if she is a virgin then she dose not need to tell anybody..

[kamran javed]

:sl:

I think if her past deeds will not have an effect on his life and his relationship with her then there is no need for him to know. As long as she is sincerely determined not to go back to her past ways, and is willing to be faithful and honest with him throughout her marriage - he need not know about her past.

Wallahu A'lam

:w:

its ur good decieon i accept this idea

[Woodrow]

:sl:

The Sisters past may prove to be a great gift to her, if she has truly repented.

Any man sincere about her will have to be a man who is very understanding and wants to marry her for who she is now, with no concern about nor any desire to worry about her past.

She need not worry about her past, the best man for her will never question her about it and she will never have any need to reveal it.

[noorseeker]

Unfortuanately what i see is if the girl wishes to change after she has dated or been with men, people tend not to forget it.

But if a guy changes after hes messed about, no one will bring it up

[Salahudeen]

It'd be wise to tell him cos he's only going to find out on the wedding night and he'll be like "ey up, what's been going on here" then there'll be fireworks.

[bluebell]

yes that is so true, especially in the pakistani culture...women get different treatment to men in regards to these matters, which is not right at all....making it even more harder for the women who want to repent.....and change.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:sl: i agree with brother hamza if the sister is not a virgin then itz best to the tell her fiance! If she did not tell him and he found out after the marriage that would seriously mess up any guys head. He'd probably even ask for divorce....and call her other horrible namez and kick her out! Men are not like women they dont take things lightly. This would be a big thing for a man to take in! Because the trust will be broken and men do not forget stuf like this so easily! He will be all the time asking her what stuf did u do with those other guys, he would not trust her believe me. It would just kill him thats y its best 2let him know before marriage! He would deserve 2know something like this. However if she is a virgin then she dose not need to tell anybody..

good point

im not sure anymore

[AnonymousPoster]

It'd be wise to tell him cos he's only going to find out on the wedding night and he'll be like "ey up, what's been going on here" then there'll be fireworks.

not necessarily, if he just educated himself a little he'd know that blood isnt necessary to distinguish a decent woman from a not so decent woman :rollseyes

[AnonymousPoster]

Anon #2 here.

Talking about haunting past and marriage, I was wondering if masturbation would classify a person as a non-virgin?

[cat eyes]

not necessarily, if he just educated himself a little he'd know that blood isnt necessary to distinguish a decent woman from a not so decent woman :rollseyes

:sl:

true but women naturally feel pain on the first time and some women experience pain for months and months until they get use to it so i am sure nobody is that stupid.

[AnonymousPoster]

i have a better idea. how about we avoid unnecessary suspicion to begin?

[Abdul Qadir]

Salam,

She should keep her sins as a secret. The sins she committed are only for the one with whom she committed the sin, to herself and to Allah. We should ask Allah to hide our sins fiddunia wal akhir...keep the Big sins to oneself and seek forgiveness, and keep it a secret...there is a hadith...but she should also make sure she does not have any diesease because of the relationship...

salam..

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

Thank you all for your advice.... I did not know it was like that at all and I felt it would be dishonest for her to keep the information from him, but i am glad to know that is not the case.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,

'Medically, there can be other reasons which could give rise to one losing one's hymen. An injury or an internal examination for instance. Sister, your situation is such that you have to consider the implications of the choices you have before you.

If you chose not to tell your husband about your past, it could happen that he could find out later and this could affect your marital relationship. On the other hand, if you do tell him, he may just decide not to marry you. If you have sincerely repented and you live your life strictly according to Allah Ta'ala's commandments (to the best of your ability), insha'allah, Allah Ta'ala will pour greater understanding between you two. Be punctual with all your salaah and read abundant nafl salaah too.Read the Quran with greater understanding and bring your lifestyle onto the Sunnah and the Quran. Make abundant istigfar and zikr daily. Constantly ask Allah Ta'ala to guide and protect you from harm and disgrace.

To elaborate, if you have given up freely mixing with non-mahram men, observe strict purdah and devote your life towards earning Allah Ta'ala's pleasure in your daily life, your future husband may consider that your indiscretion belongs to the past. May Allah Ta'ala guide both of you, ameen.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

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[AnonymousPoster]

My friend IS a virgin, no need to argue about that... but she has gone pretty far where as there was physical activity... don't really want to go into detail but she went as far as you can go without technically losing your virginity...

Thank you all for your advice and inshAllah she will make the right choice.

[Hamza Asadullah]

My friend IS a virgin, no need to argue about that... but she has gone pretty far where as there was physical activity... don't really want to go into detail but she went as far as you can go without technically losing your virginity...

Thank you all for your advice and inshAllah she will make the right choice.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, it is totally your friends decision but know that if her husband was to ever somehow find out her past as the truth does come out at times then it would truly rip him apart especially as that would be his wife and the shaythan would ruin him by constantly giving him images in his head of another man doing that to his wife. It is truly painful so turn to Allah and ask of him and ask her to consider carefully whatever she chooses to do. Jazakallah for sharing this with us about your friend and please always feel free to ask anything you want.