format_quote Originally Posted by
seekingsolace
I am a relatively new American revert (about 3 months now) living in the US. I have been a widow for four years, and have a young son.
I was introduced to an Iraqi man who is here as a graduate student and who was looking for a wife. We seemed very compatible (similar goals, education levels, and most importantly devotion practicing Islam), and we were soon engaged to be married. My son has met him, and they love each other. He was to accompany me over the winter break to meet my parents before the wedding in January. We have developed a very strong affection for each other and it seems like a perfect match.
He had told me that he had been married in Iraq, and had a young daughter there. He misses his daughter terribly. His wife had refused to come to the US and so he decided to divorce her. Since he had to leave quickly for school, he gave the papers to his mother to finish the divorce. That was a year ago. He has since applied for asylum in the US.
Last week, he gets an email from his attorney in Iraq saying "Congratulations! Your wife and daughter have been approved for refugee visas to the US, and they will arrive there in 30 days." He called his mother, who had decided on her own not to finish their divorce and pressure his wife to come to the US instead (his wife is his mother's sister's daughter). He told her about me, and she was so angry with him and screaming so loudly he had to hang up the phone.
We both care very much for each other, and we are both heartbroken. He doesn't feel he can tell his wife not to come because 1) his mother would never forgive him and 2) he would finally be with his daughter again.
He has not even spoken to his wife since he found out. From what he tells me they have a cold relationship. He is hoping that when she gets here, she will hate the US and want to go home. If she does, he is going to file for divorce here, which would mean he would keep custody of his daughter.
In the meantime, he wants me to become his second wife before she gets here. However, he doesn't want to tell either his wife or mother about me if we do marry. It would not be a official marriage in the eyes of the government either. I don't know much about how that works, given that multiple wives are not a part of our culture (and technically illegal here).
He knows that he will not be able to spend equal time with me especially at first. Because he is a student with no job (and cant get one with a J-1 visa), he will have trouble just supporting his current wife and child. They will have to be on public assistance until he graduates. Fortunately, I make very good money as a healthcare professional, and can support myself. Still, he is hoping that I will agree since he sees it as the only way we can be together. He says he hopes she will want to leave, and then I can be his only wife once he has his daughter.
Needless to say, my American Christian family would be outraged if I became a second wife. I still have not figured out how I would handle *that.* (I'm still worried about how they will react when I get off the plane in hijab next month as I have waited to tell them in person...)
While I hate what has happened to us, I feel even more badly for his wife. She has no idea he was engaged to another woman, much less that he wants to have me as a second wife. She has no idea that he has such little income, and what financial problems they will have. She has never lived outside of Iraq, and doesnt have any idea what kind of things she might face here (for example, we live in a rural midwest town where the closest halal meat shop is an hour and a half away...and he doesn't own a car). She doesn't know that if she wants to go home he will keep her daughter (no US court will allow a mother to take a child on refugee status back to the home country...he will get custody with no problems). She doesn't speak much English, and there are very few Arabic speakers in our rural town. I feel I must be compassionate towards her and consider her in this decision too.
So I need some advice please....
1) Should I even consider becoming his second wife knowing that I will not be treated equally, that his current wife will not know, and that I will not be acknowledged before his family and tribe?
2) If I did marry him, would it be right for her not to know? I feel that she should know, but again not being familiar with polygyny I dont know what the rules of etiquette are.
3) It is right to marry without the blessing of one's parents? I know his mother would never get over this because of her relation to his wife, because I am an American, and because he would have defied her by marrying me. My parents would never bless our marriage if they found out he was also married to someone else. I would be forced to be dishonest with them.
Please help me find the right path through this tangled mess!!! :cry:
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister welcome to the forum and jazakallah khayran for sharing your sensative situation with us. I have pasted some scholarly answers to questions asked about second marriages.
According to the fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:
a) the harm to the first wife;
b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;
c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;
d) the harm to family relations;
e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Marrying more than one wife is, in principle, without doubt permissible in Islam, but the conditions for doing so are really strict that they are almost impossible to fulfil, especially in our times.
The Quran and Sunnah have laid down certain strict conditions for practicing polygyny, such as equal treatment of the wives in all aspects, being financially in a position to provide equally for both, spending equal time, etc. These are just some conditions that are easily said than done. Just ask those who have opted to marry more than once, how difficult it is to maintain more than one wife.
Allah Most High states:
“…If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…”
(Surah al-Nisa, 3).
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“A man who marries more than one woman and then does not deal justly with them will be resurrected with half his faculties paralysed.”
(Sahih al-Bukhari).
Thus, many major scholars have advised not to marry more than one wife for the sake of it unless there is a genuine and pressing need, such as the husband being sure of falling into adultery (and not just merely wanting to fulfil his desires).
In the mentioned situation (and according to the details given in the question), it seems that the brother should avoid accepting the sister as his second wife. It has been mentioned that the brother has financial difficulties, thus this makes it all the more necessary for him to avoid marrying her.
He has his own two children to look after and provide for, and then this other sister has five children, thus the financial burden and strain this will have on the brother is obvious. It may also harm his own two children, and inevitably create problems with his current wife.
Therefore, the advice to the brother is to avoid getting into this second marriage, and to explain to the other sister in a kind and gentle way (with wisdom) that he is not the right person for her, and that he is not in a position to maintain two wives and seven children. Also make Dua that the sister concerned finds a husband who is suitable for her and that he is not faced with a heavy burden of duties and responsibilities.
The above does not imply in any way that it is unlawful to marry second time, rather this is the practical advice based on what has been mentioned in the question. It would also be advisable to discuss the issue with a local scholar whose knowledge and wisdom you respect.
And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam
In regards to Second marriage and the rights of wives
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
It is one of the foremost requirements from a man who has more than one wife to treat all his wives equally and justly. There are grave warnings mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah for oppressing, mistreating or not being fair with the wives. The Qur’an conditioned the permissibility of marrying more than one wife with justice and fair treatment.
Allah Most High says:
“If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one..
(Surah al-Nisa, 3).
It is a grave sin to treat the wives unequally. Any man who wishes to take a second wife also has to meet the important condition of fair treatment of all his wives. The verse quoted above includes the command to treat wives equally, and anyone who is unable to do so should marry only one wife.
Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralysed.”
(Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1141)
Equal treatment includes all social, economical and physical needs. It is very difficult for human beings to be completely fair, a fact which is recognised by the Qur’an:
“You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air)...
(Surah al-Nisa, 129).
The above verse alludes to the fact that, a man must be fair in his external treatment of his wives, in that he should spend equal time with all of them, spend out on them equally, etc. However, if his heart is inclined towards one or he has more love for one wife over the other, then that is not blameworthy, for it is beyond his control.
Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would treat his wives equally and justly, and then say: “O Allah! This is my distribution according to my capability, thus do not hold me for what you own and I don’t (meaning, what is in your capability and beyond my means).”
(Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1140, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 3133 & Musnad Ahmad).
Imam al-Mawsili (Allah have mercy on him) states:
“It is mandatory upon a man to treat his wives equally with regards to spending the night….. A virgin, non-virgin, old, new, freed slave, Muslim and from the people of the book all have equal rights, and must be treated equally….. However, equality and fairness is not necessary with regards to sexual intercourse and love, for the former is based on agility and energy (nashat), whilst the latter (love) is the action of the heart.”
(al-Ikhtiyar li ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 3/143).
A wife may even relinquish her right of spending the night with her husband and give it to her co-wife. It is narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) issued a revocable divorce to Sawda bint Zam’a (Allah be pleased with her). She requested the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) to take her back, and that she will allocate her turn (of spending the night) to A’isha (Allah be pleased with her), in order that she may be included among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) on the day of Judgment, thus the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) fulfilled her wish and took her back.
(See: Mishkat al-Masabih, 2/966, no. 3237)
If a wife relinquished her right, then she has a right in the future to once again demand equality.
Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states:
“If a wife granted her right of companionship with the husband to her co-wife, then this will be valid, and she will have the right to reverse her decision in the future if she so desires.”
(See: Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar, 3/206)
Similarly, it will be permissible for the husband to remain more in the company of one wife with the express permission of the other, for the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) sought the permission of his wives during his illness that led to his demise (maradh al-Mawt) in order that he remain in the house of Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her). His wives granted him permission, thus he spent his last days until he passed away in the house of A’isha (Allah be pleased with her).
(Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 4919)
As far as travelling is concerned, one may travel with whom one wishes, although it is preferable to draw lots and travel in the company of the one whose name appears. The reason being, that, one may feel more comfortable with one wife than the other whilst travelling, or she may be more suitable in being a travel companion. However, the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was to draw lots and travel with the one whose name appeared.
(Radd al-Muhtar, 3/206)
It must be explained to the husband about the necessity of equal and fair treatment, and the warnings of punishment for failing to treat the wives fairly. It is clearly understood from the above explanation as to exactly what rights a second wife has and what he must do.
Despite all attempts, if the husband fails to adhere to the injunctions of Shariah, then the second wife may exercise patience, for which there is great reward. However, if the suffering is too much to bear, then the second wife may refer her case to an Islamic council for the dissolution of marriage on grounds of oppression (jawr) and unfair treatment.
And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
Thus Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably. Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:
1. Financial support and maintenance
2. Housing
3. Companionship
4. Fair division of time between households
This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot deal equitably between wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous marriage.
It is clear from what your telling us that this man would not be able to fulfill your rights as a second wife as he would clearly struggle to fulfill the rights of his first wife.
Also the fact that he is decieving her by trying to make her come here in order to put her off America so that she can go back to her country and leave her daughter with you, this is utterly disgraceful and you should not associate yourself with this man any longer.
Please put yourself into the shoes of his wife. If he did that to you what he is planning to do with his first wife how would you feel? Your life would be ruined. He is wanting to ruin the life of his first wife out of his own selfisheness. This is NOT the attribute of a good man at all.