How can i stop being so selfish?

[AnonymousPoster]

Selam to all,

I have a bit of an internal dilemma going on and i hope some of you may be able to help me out with some advice.

I am at an age where i am being asked for my hand in marriage. I have received numerous offers but I have held out for someone who is religious at least at the level i am if not more. My main rule was no drinkers and so far most have decided that I'm not worth giving up the bottle for, well that didnt bother me i took it as a favor that they ran for the hills when i pulled out the Koran and asked them what they knew.

Needless to say i have met a young man who is religious. He is incredibly smart and level headed. I have watched him with other people and he is not easily angered. Very patient and respectful.

Heres where i am selfish...I know he likes me, and i know that if i indicate i am fond of him he will ask for my hand. Whats stopping me?
He lives overseas and he is not wealthy. I dont mean i want someone filthy stinking rich....but with enough wealth for us to not have to worry about the bills as much as people who are less fortunate do. I dont want to raise my kids with less than i had.
Alhamdullah, i grew up in a very very comfortable lifestyle. Is it selfish that i want the same for my kids?
Then again, i keep trying to tell myself that Allah swt will provide for us, but at the same time im terrified that we will struggle as ive seen wonderful religious people struggle.

I want to get past this. I just keep falling into the same negative line of thinking. He is great in so many ways, its just the financial situation that i am struggling with. I never thought i would feel this way about someones financial situation. I guess im just spoiled ...:embarrassimsad

[Insecured soul]

Salaam sisters

I have no good knowledge in such things the only thing i know its allah who provide sustenance, what ur worried for is future which is uncertain for everyone. This is what iv realised in life since i made so many plans which went just out the door, it never worked and i have to actually restart my whole life

My advice to u is a personal one through my experience, the best for everyone is to do istikhara and leave everything upto Allah.

Just a small story for u
My very own uncle use to travel on bicycles and now after 15 years he has several houses in this city and is so wealthy and he is not at all educated and is a businesman and i know busines coz i worked for him and every penny he earns is halaal

Nobody could have thought, so as i see in reality i think u never know what we gonna get

Our brothers here have excellent knowledge, hope they will reply to u soon

best of luck anyway

salaam-alaikum

[Salahudeen]

wow subhanallah they wouldn't give up alcohol consider yourself lucky. As for the guy you like if I was a women I'd be concerned about that too, it's only natural. It's good you think about the future.

I would do istikhara first and see how you feel.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
what? i cant believe you are doing this. either accept a drinking better off husband or a non-drinking poor husband.
and you say you are worried for your kids? who are they going to benfit from more? a poor, pious father or a drinking non-pious father? how do you know that if you do marry a better off guy, that you wont get poor? Allah gives and Allah takes.

im not sure what the ruling is of marrying a poor brother as the husband is responsible for his wife financially (maybe check out islamqa or ask a shiekh?), but as long as this brother's wealth is sufficient, secure and halaal, go for it.

How can i stop being so selfish?

take the bull by the horns and kill your ego/nafs. seriously, you cant get rid of habits like this, until and unless you put in the effort and in this case, putting in the habit would be to acquire the opposite habit/killing your ego...

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[cat eyes]

:sl: sister you said that he lives over seas and then you said that you watched him with other people im confused lol like you actually met him in the flesh properly? or met him through chatting online? you know if you did not meet him in the actual flesh then i suggest you do meet him with mahram present and get to know him better then inshaAllAH and do istikharah about your selfishness then just remember one thing sis Allah will provide for both of you. i know its nice to have money i don't know anybody who dose not want the best for there kids when i was a child i remember there would be days where we would not have food and did not even have heating. long time ago now but we got through it because my parents loved each other to much.:wa:

[Cabdullahi]

you'll get your shopping of shoes and bags just put your trust in allah he will provide!

[Woodrow]

:wa: Ukhti

I suspect you already have your mind made up and just need some self justification to commit yourself.

Do as what has already been said: do istikhara first and see how you feel.


Then just go forward and never look back, no regrets, no changing.

[Snowflake]

:sl: Sis,

The husband only provides for his family what Allah provides for him. Tomorrow can be better than today in terms of wealth, or it can be worse. But imaan is better in the eyes of Allah and if this man has it then don't disregard him due to his financial position. Moreover, each man who came had something lacking. This is a lesson that says that no one is perfect except Allah. Every man to come will also lack something. This life isn't meant to be perfect and it never will be. We shouldn't try to control life with military precision and try to avoid hardships. If we knew the rewards behind them, we'd go out of our way to meet them. Consider a man for his piety. Ask Allah for guidence and all will be well inshaAllah. La hawla wa la quwwata illah billah.


:wa:

[mammyluty]

have tawakal in it!i was in the same situation last year...a hand of marriage to a pious,respectfull,kind,funny,n wth lots of friends but jobless n poor.it took me one year to finaly let the shaytan doubts disguide me n imagine the man waited all that tym for me to decide.all my family rejected him some even insulted him saying i was a million pounds worth n i shouldnt b cheap.they all turned thier backs on me plus my mother except my dad when i got married.yes we struggled in the first year of our marriage wth finance but i knew that was test from Allah.i was patient n now my husband is a computer genius n his earning good money n hes in unirvesity.so sister just like they say do istikhara n have tawakal.n inshallah Allah will open the doors for u.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl: sister you said that he lives over seas and then you said that you watched him with other people im confused lol like you actually met him in the flesh properly? or met him through chatting online? you know if you did not meet him in the actual flesh then i suggest you do meet him with mahram present and get to know him better

The issue is not whether or not i had a mahram present or how i met him. YES i met him in the flesh. YES there was a mahram present.

[AnonymousPoster]

you'll get your shopping of shoes and bags just put your trust in allah he will provide!

Like i said in the first part of my thread, the issue is not if i will have money to buy "bags and shows" but if i my children will have clothing, food, school things and not be worried that mommy and daddy cant afford to give them those things.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
what? i cant believe you are doing this. either accept a drinking better off husband or a non-drinking poor husband.
and you say you are worried for your kids? who are they going to benfit from more? a poor, pious father or a drinking non-pious father? how do you know that if you do marry a better off guy, that you wont get poor? Allah gives and Allah takes.

im not sure what the ruling is of marrying a poor brother as the husband is responsible for his wife financially (maybe check out islamqa or ask a shiekh?), but as long as this brother's wealth is sufficient, secure and halaal, go for it.

take the bull by the horns and kill your ego/nafs. seriously, you cant get rid of habits like this, until and unless you put in the effort and in this case, putting in the habit would be to acquire the opposite habit/killing your ego...

I am sure he isnt the only man on earth who is pious. I am sure there are men who are better off financially that are pious as well.
I do not intend to marry a man who drinks. But thanks for berating me, i see you are one of the ones i should be careful of talking to on this forum.


As for the ruling on marriage, I am pretty sure that i do not have a "ego" because im concerned with this mans financial situation. It is bad enough to be concerned about it. The man does indeed provide for the women.
I dont intend to work when my children are young. I want to be there for them. Im thinking about their future. Inshallah i will have children, and when i do i dont want THEM to worry about things, to go hungry etc.

I was not always in a comfortable lifestyle. Until i turned 9 we pretty much had very little. Seeing my mom crying because she couldnt buy us anything we needed, getting picked on at school cuz i wore the same clothes nearly everyday....and you tell me i have an ego?
No thanks.






As for everyone else. Thanks for the advice, i will do istikhara

[Eliphaz]

Sister let me say that by worrying about money you are not being selfish. The more money you have the better quality of life you will have and the more you can help others, and that is not something to be indifferent about.

It is not a case of piety vs. material success. There are brothers who fulfil both criteria but there is always some kind of compromise in marriage. Sprituality/morality are the first thing you should look for but money is important and it isn't just going to fall from the sky.

Don't look at how rich the brother is now but try to see how much potential he has, as in what are his qualifications, what is the typical salary for the typical jobs based on that qualification. If you say he is smart, then surely he is smart enough to support you.

[mammyluty]

sometimes single men dont work because they feel they have no responsibilities but as soon as they marry they wake up n realise they have to work to support thier family.worrying about money is natural but at the end of the day u have to put ur trust in Allah.may Allah show u the light.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Selam to all,

I have a bit of an internal dilemma going on and i hope some of you may be able to help me out with some advice.

I am at an age where i am being asked for my hand in marriage. I have received numerous offers but I have held out for someone who is religious at least at the level i am if not more. My main rule was no drinkers and so far most have decided that I'm not worth giving up the bottle for, well that didnt bother me i took it as a favor that they ran for the hills when i pulled out the Koran and asked them what they knew.

Needless to say i have met a young man who is religious. He is incredibly smart and level headed. I have watched him with other people and he is not easily angered. Very patient and respectful.

Heres where i am selfish...I know he likes me, and i know that if i indicate i am fond of him he will ask for my hand. Whats stopping me?
He lives overseas and he is not wealthy. I dont mean i want someone filthy stinking rich....but with enough wealth for us to not have to worry about the bills as much as people who are less fortunate do. I dont want to raise my kids with less than i had.
Alhamdullah, i grew up in a very very comfortable lifestyle. Is it selfish that i want the same for my kids?
Then again, i keep trying to tell myself that Allah swt will provide for us, but at the same time im terrified that we will struggle as ive seen wonderful religious people struggle.

I want to get past this. I just keep falling into the same negative line of thinking. He is great in so many ways, its just the financial situation that i am struggling with. I never thought i would feel this way about someones financial situation. I guess im just spoiled ...:embarrassimsad

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister it is not wrong for you to want security because it is fard for the husband to provide financial security for his wife and children.

You should bare in mind though that as long as one makes effort to find work and actually work then Allah will provide the rest as Allah helps those who help themselves.

My sister there is no guarantee of a rich man turning poor for wealth can be taken away with a click of a finger.

Allah says in the Qur'an he may test us how he wants so whatever test we go through in life sister we should endure and bare with it with patience hoping for reward for Allah is with those who are patient.

The person who reads surah Waaqi'a before going to sleep will never experience poverty.

Rely on Allah and have your full hope, trust and faith in him. It may be that you may find someone with a better job and more wealth but he may not be as practising and may not treat you as good as a practising man with less wealth. One cannot have everything in life but know that if you choose a partner who is pious and will provide sufficiently for you then this should be enough for you.

I suggest you do isthikhara and ask of Allah sincerely and whatever is best for you will happen inshallah.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Sister let me say that by worrying about money you are not being selfish. The more money you have the better quality of life you will have and the more you can help others, and that is not something to be indifferent about.

It is not a case of piety vs. material success. There are brothers who fulfil both criteria but there is always some kind of compromise in marriage. Sprituality/morality are the first thing you should look for but money is important and it isn't just going to fall from the sky.

Don't look at how rich the brother is now but try to see how much potential he has, as in what are his qualifications, what is the typical salary for the typical jobs based on that qualification. If you say he is smart, then surely he is smart enough to support you.

well said!:statisfie

sis, just listen to those who gave you the best advice: do istikhara
And your not being selfish, nor do you have a big ego, is ee what youre saying its only natural to worry about the future of children and their welfare, but deff put your trust in Allah swt that he will help you both so that you may have enough inshallah if not more

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I do not intend to marry a man who drinks. But thanks for berating me, i see you are one of the ones i should be careful of talking to on this forum.

ok, what ever floats your boat. its not like im waiting for your approval anyway :hmm:

I was not always in a comfortable lifestyle. Until i turned 9 we pretty much had very little. Seeing my mom crying because she couldnt buy us anything we needed, getting picked on at school cuz i wore the same clothes nearly everyday....and you tell me i have an ego?
No thanks.

i meant it as a figure of speech. you asked "how can i stop being selfish?" i said kill your ego. that is how one can stop being selfish, by killing the ego. heck i would've advised myself the same thing. sorry if my whole post came across the wrong way and sorry about your childhood. all the best. really.