format_quote Originally Posted by
AnonymousGender
Thank you so much for your answers.
I know I shouldn't of got married in secrect, it wasn't actually an intention when I went over, it just felt right at the time, thats why we did it.
We met online, it was hard to go all that way alone to meet him, but he showed up at the airport like he said he would and true to his word he looked after me during my whole trip, I've known him for around 2 years, before I went i'd spoken to his family and he'd spoken to mine, everyone here knew I was going to meet him that was also apart of the problem I guess. I know about his family background, he told me everything and was honest about it.
I don't regret getting married, but I guess I never really got chance to read into it properly and now i'm all confused as to what happens now i'm back in the uk. I think the best time to tell them would be when I can move out because I don't think they are going to take it well at all and I don't want to be around when I do finally tell them.
I also forgot about non-halal meat, I don't even know where you can get that from around here :hmm:
I know lots of people there marry to get a uk citizenship, I really don't think he's interested in that, I'd actually like to live in Pakistan for a while, I told him this and he said we'd sort it out for me so I can come again for longer and stay there if that's what I want.
I'm kind of fed up of trying to please my family and trying to please myself, they gave me alot of hassle just because I wanted to visit Pakistan and in the end I just said look im going, you have to just get used to it, I actually hid my passport incase they tried to take it before I left. They, well actually it's more my dad, he doesn't seem to realise that his children are now grown up, I'm actually 26 years old. But since i'm still living at home, I try to listen to what they say and do as they please, but if I choose to do something they don't like, it's no end of hassle, we have physical fights and he throws all my stuff around and tells me to leave his house, it's very upsetting, I want to live my life how I want but when he acts like this, it's incredible hard. So until I can leave, I figure i'll have to just keep everything a secrect :(
Hopefully soon, Inshallah I can escape here and live how I want to live my life. imsad
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister they are your parents at the end of the day and they raised you from birth so of course they are going to be concerned for you and want the best for you how they see it.
If a daughter out of nowhere comes out with "I'm going to Pakistan", that is very random and its not exactly a tourist destination as it is a very volatile country and is not very safe at all at the moment.
So of course they are going to be worried and they have a right to be. You should know that as long as your parents are not telling you to commit haraam or anything that is contrary to Islam then you have abide by their commands. Allah has given the parents a very high position so if you disobey them when they have not told you to do anything which is against Islam then you have in effect disobeyed Allah. You should ALWAYS no matter what FULLY respect your parents and speak to them with a soft and low tone and never answer them back. If you have then apologise to them.
Consider this:
The command to be good to one's parents begins right from the Qur'an. Allah says:
"Worship God and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents..."
[Noble Quran 4:36]
The mention of servitude to parents follows immediately after servitude to God. This is repeated throughout the Qur'an.
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."
[Noble Quran 17:23-24]
The great scholar, Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî (d. 1201CE) explained:
To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them.
(Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)
The Qur'an emphasizes the great struggles the mother goes through for her child, to highlight the need for one to reciprocate their parents sacrifice for them:
"And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."
[Noble Quran 31:14]
The renowned exegete, Shaykh Abdur-Rahman As-Sa'di (d. 1956), says about this verse:
{And to your parents} meaning, be kind to your parents, shower on them love, affection and piety, both in words and deeds, treat them with tender humility, provide for them and never harm them verbally nor physically. [...] Then, Allah mentions the reason why we should be kind to our parents, when He says {His mother bore him in travail upon travail}, that is, the mother bore constant suffering; in pain and hardship from the first moment she felt the child moving in her womb to the worst pangs during the time of delivery. And {his weaning is for two years}, that is, during these two years the mother breast-feeds her child and looks after him/her. So after all the years of suffering, hardship, love and care, could we not, at least, compensate our mothers for what they have done for us and pay them back their rights?
(Taysîr al-Karîm ar-Rahmân fî Tafsîr al-Kalâm al-Manân)
The Qur'an repeats its mention of the struggles of the mother in yet another passage:
"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims."
[Noble Quran 46:15]
In connection to this passage, the late Grand Mufti of Pakistan, Shaykh Muhammad Shafy (d. 1976) wrote:
Mother has more rights than father
Although the first part of this verse is a command to do good to both the parents, the second sentence refers only to the hardships suffered by the mother, because they are unavoidable, and no child can be born without them. Every mother has to go through the problems of pregnancy and severe pains of delivery. As against this, it is not necessary for a father that he suffers any hardship in bringing up and educating the child, if he can afford to pay somebody else for these services. This is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has given more rights to the mother than anybody else. According to a hadîth he has said,
"Do good to and serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then the near relatives and then those who come after them."
[Mazhari]
"And his carrying and his weaning is in thirty months"
[Noble Quran 46:15]
This sentence too describes the hardships suffered by the mother for her baby. It points out that even after suffering hardships during pregnancy and the severe labor pains, the mother does not get respite from toils, because the natural food of the infants is in her breasts, and she has to suckle them.
(Shafy, Ma'âriful Qur'ân [Eng. trans.], vol. 7, pp. 795-796)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) continually used to remind his followers of the status of the mother and the obligation of being good to one's parents. The following narration is a beautiful example of the noble position of the mother:
A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So he replied: "Then your father."
(Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also said in a famous narration:
'Paradise lies at the feet of your mother'
[Musnad Ahmad, Sunan An-Nasâ’i, Sunan Ibn Mâjah]
What can be greater evidence of honoring women than this? Islam has effectively placed the ultimate reward for human beings in their devotion to their mothers.
Shaykh Ibrahîm Ibn Sâlih Al-Mahmud writes:
Treat your mother with the best companionship, then your father; because paradise is under the mother's feet. Never disobey your parents, nor make them angry, otherwise you will live a miserable life in this world and the hereafter, and your children will treat you likewise. Ask your parents gently if you need something. Always thank them if they give it to you, and excuse them if they do not, and never insist on a matter if they refuse to give you something.
(Al-Mahmoud, How to be kind to your Parents, p.40)
It is related from Talhah ibn Mu'âwiyah as-Salamî who said:
I came to the Prophet and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I want to perform Jihad in the way of Allah. He asked, "Is your mother alive?"
I replied, "Yes." The Prophet then said: "Cling to her feet, because paradise is there."
(at-Tabarânî).
Shaykh Nidhaam Sakkijihaa comments:
Cling to her feet means to submit yourself to her, be close to her, protect her, serve her because in this is Paradise and with her satisfaction you will enjoy the good blessings of Allah.
(Sakkijihaa, Honoring the Parents, p. 52)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) showed us the importance of serving one's parents in the following narration reported by Abdullah Ibn Mas'ud:
I asked the Prophet, 'O Messenger of Allah, what is the best deed?'
He replied 'Prayer offered on time.'
I asked, 'What is next in goodness?'
He replied, 'To be dutiful and kind to one's parents.'
I further asked, 'What is next in goodness?'
He replied, 'Jihad in the Allah's cause.
[Sahîh Bukhârî, Sahîh Muslim]
Just as the Prophet said that kindness to one's parents was of the best deeds, he also said that disobedience to them was amongst the major sins:
"The greatest sins are to associate partners in worship with Allah, to be undutiful or unkind to one's parents, to kill a soul forbidden by Allah and to bear false witness."
[Sahîh Bukhârî]
Even after the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), the Muslim scholars continued to stress the importance of being dutiful to one's mother. By examining the conduct and teachings of the early Muslim scholars, one may see how the direct recipients of the Islamic message understood the command to be dutiful to one's parents. Their behavior towards their parents shows Muslims how one is to implement the teachings of the Prophet on honoring parents.
Abdullah Ibn Abbâs (d. 687CE), a companions of the Prophet and a great scholar of Islam, considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed for strengthening or rectifying one's relation with God. He said:
I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother.
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/45]
An even more powerful example is found in the statement of another one of the Prophet's companions, Abdullah Ibn 'Umar (d. 692CE), who was also a great scholar of Islam.
It has been related that:
Abdullah Ibn 'Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf (circumambulating the Ka'bah) while carrying his mother on his back. This man said to Abdullah Ibn 'Umar, "I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn 'Umar?"
Abdullah Ibn 'Umar replied, "No, not even one contraction!!"
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/62]
SubhânAllah (Glory be to God)! The efforts of a man who carries his mother on his back while performing tawâf cannot even repay his mother for a single contraction that she went through for him. Wise indeed was Ibn 'Umar's reply to this man to show him how massively indebted he was to his mother. This is the tremendous value and prestigious position of mothers in Islam!
Yet another example is found in the following prophecy of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):
There will come to you with reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn 'Âmir of the clan of Murâd from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a coin. He has a mother and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah, Allah will fulfill his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so.
[Sahîh Muslim 16/95]
Indeed, later on 'Umar ibn al-Khattâb met Uways who was exactly as the Prophet described, and upon 'Umar's request Uways prayed for him. Commenting on this narration, Shaykh Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimî writes:
What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet recommended his Sahabah [companions] to seek him out and ask him to pray for them!
All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both.
(Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslimah, IIPH 2005, p. 167)
So great was the Islamic emphasis on parents, that the Muslims considered a great opportunity to attain paradise in service to one's mother. Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah was a famous Islamic scholar from the second generation of Muslims. When his mother died, Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah cried. He was asked, "Why do you cry?"
He said, "I used to have two gates open to Paradise, now one of them is closed."
Zayn al-'Abidîn (d. 713CE) was the great grandson of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and also a renowned scholar. He used to treat his mother with so much kindness and love as seen in the following narration:
Once he was asked, 'You are the most kind person to his mother, yet we have never seen you eating with her from a single dish.'
He replied, 'I fear that my hand would take the what her eyes have already seen in the dish, and then I would be disobeying her'.
[At-Tartushi, Birr al-Wâlidayn]
In other words, he was so careful not to disobey his mother that he would even avoid eating out of the same plate as her; He thought that she would see a morsel and intend to take it, but before she did he might unknowingly take that same morsel and eat it. This is how careful he was to obey his mother in the most minute details.
Another early Islamic scholar, Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib (d. 709CE), was asked about the meaning of the verse "but address them in terms of honor"
(17:23). Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib replied:
It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master.
Muhammad Ibn Sirîn (d. 729CE) used to speak to his mother in a very soft voice, out of respect for her. He was also often seen in the company of his mother and looking after her.
(Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)
All that has preceded shows how the status of mothers - and consequently that of women - is elevated to the highest position in Islam. The honor Islam has given to mothers is beyond that found in any other religion, ideology or culture. This is clear proof of the lofty status of Muslim Women.