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AnonymousPoster
12-21-2009, 04:03 PM
Salaam,

I am in a marriage which i beleive is at a dead end.. i dont have any feelings for him and as much as i want to try, it just does not seem to happen.
I want to seperate so that he gets a wife he deserves and can treat him right, i dont wan to commit to more sin but no-one understands why I cant get on with him and people wnt consider seperatin cos what it will do to fam and reputations..
imsad
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zakirs
12-21-2009, 06:28 PM
:sl:

:( ..

Sis i think you need to give time .. if he is good to you and religious and then i am sure you would like him with time.If thats not the case then may be u can use some marriage counseling ? .
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Hamza Asadullah
12-22-2009, 12:03 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Salaam,

I am in a marriage which i beleive is at a dead end.. i dont have any feelings for him and as much as i want to try, it just does not seem to happen.
I want to seperate so that he gets a wife he deserves and can treat him right, i dont wan to commit to more sin but no-one understands why I cant get on with him and people wnt consider seperatin cos what it will do to fam and reputations..
imsad
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, Are there any children involved?

You and your husband should go to a marriage counselor immediatley. A Muslim therapist would be best, but a non-Muslim counselor, committed to helping couples reconcile, is also a choice. Furthermore, is there any pious, knowledgeable Muslim who can mediate? What about the imam of the masjid? Is there a family member? A respected elder? It often takes the support of one's family, if not the entire community, to help a couple weather the vicissitudes of married life.

What reasons do you have for feeling this way? What has caused it and at what point did it start getting like this? Something must have triggered it off.

Here are some tips:

1. Marriage takes work. There's no way to get around that. And it takes work from BOTH sides. Sisters tell me that very often they will put a lot of work into the marriage, but, unfortunately, the husband doesn't keep up his end. Both husband and wife should realize from the outset that being married is more than bringing home the money, paying the bills, cooking, and cleaning. Being married means nurturing a relationship with love, patience, generosity, and a good sense of humor. I highly recommend Ustadha Hedaya Hartford's Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage (almuhajabat.com) for some deep insights into the spiritual aspects of marriage.

2. A good marriage is strengthened by spiritual growth, emotional maturity, and intellectual development on both sides. If husbands and wives don't grow together, they often grow apart. Each person is responsible as an individual for fulfilling their religious obligations. However, each person is part of a team. Like Ustadha Hedaya says in her book, the spirit of an Islamic marriage is that of husband and wife gently pulling each other into Paradise. Spouses should set aside time for each other: time to worship, time to work, and time to play. Doing a variety of activities together can strengthen their bond and cause them to see each other in a new light.

3. People often mistake lust for love. When husband and wife are newlyweds, they often experience a high level of desire for each other. Over time, as the spouses get used to each other and settle into routines, that passion can wane. Having children can also tax their physical relationship. Then husband and wife get disappointed with each other because they expected that that initial high of the honeymoon period would last forever. The key here is to realize that the driving force behind marriage has to be something more stable and more profound than passion. Passion is a good thing. But it has to be balanced and expanded upon with love. You don't want to wake up one day and decide, o since I've run out of passion, I must not be in love anymore.

4. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to discover what love truly is. It isn't anything like the portrayals in popular entertainment. It doesn't always reveal itself in some great epiphany. Instead, it manifests itself in very subtle, almost unconscious ways. Husbands and wives don't magically fall in love. They have to strive toward it, battling many obstacles on the way. Love is worth fighting for. And the best help we can have in this struggle is the divine tawfiq, or success, of Allah Most High. To achieve this divine help, we have to constantly turn to Allah in sincere supplication, strive to perform our religious obligations, and honor the rights of our spouses, even when we don't want to. Sometimes we may not like our spouses. However, remember the words of Allah Most High, "And consort with your wives in a goodly manner; for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good." [Al-Nisa, 4:19]

5. Marriage is a commitment made upon the Word of Allah and the Sunna of His Messenger, Allah bless him and grant him peace. It should not be taken lightly, and it should not be ended lightly.

I would encourage both of you to seek counseling. This is the best way. Allah Most High says that the believers decide their affairs through shura, or mutual consultation. Tell your husband that you are committed to finding a solution. This is going to take commitment from both of you. Do not let shaythan ruin your marriage or make you give up hope. Shaythan stays with a couple until they split. Don't let anything end your marriage, fight all of the way and have trust, hope, reliance and FULL faith in Allah!

I pray that this was of some help. May Allah Most High unite you and your husband in true love for His sake. Ameen.
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Ummu Sufyaan
12-22-2009, 02:34 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Salaam,

I am in a marriage which i beleive is at a dead end.. i dont have any feelings for him and as much as i want to try, it just does not seem to happen.
I want to seperate so that he gets a wife he deserves and can treat him right, i dont wan to commit to more sin but no-one understands why I cant get on with him and people wnt consider seperatin cos what it will do to fam and reputations..
imsad
some questions for you to reflect on:
  • how long have you been married? if you are newly wed, then it will take a while to get used to one another
  • you say whatever you do, you just cant seem to like him so what do you do to try develop feelings for him? perhaps you are going the wrong way about it :)
  • why did you get married to him? was it a forced marriage?
  • what is it about him you dont about like? does he like you?


  • how much time do you spend together? how is it spent? i mean are you merely around each other without talking/interacting? for example when you put him dinner, dont just put the plate on the table you have to attach a string of words with it, ya know... so in other words, dont make your marriage like some kind of work agreement (all formal and official) loosen up...like tell a joke, have a good laugh...find something you both like and have in common and do it.
    when you speak to one another, look in each others eyes.


  • show your feelings to him (even if you dont like him), so that in return he does the same. so be a little "artificial" becuase this is the way a marriage usually flourishes.


  • how does he treat you?

  • how old are you? when we are young, we say things in haste and act irrationally :)

  • what is the age gap between you? were you both raised in different countries?
  • do you fight often? over what?


  • have you tried on NOT working on having feelings towards him? sometimes when we force ourselves to do something, the result is the exact opposite and sour, so try not to work towards it just let things take their course.

  • if you want to grow to like him, find something(s) you do like about him and "magnify/exaggerate" it so that when you speak to him, eat with him and all the rest of it, you only see this one good thing about him and basically it overtakes and outweighs all the things you dont like about him and inshallah through this channel, you will really see the other good things about him or atleast his bad traits wont look so bad.

  • once i was hearing a lecture on marriage where the speaker said to increase the love between one another, a husband and wife better their relationship with Allah becuase of that hadith if Allah loves someone then basically everyone else will ;)
  • work on your iman. this way inshallah your goal becomes the aakhirah and everything falls in its proper perspective. some once told me that her and her husband used to fight often, but the more they became practicing the more their fights decreased.

  • also, if feelings you mean "love" know that love is not an essential part of an Islamic marriage...so maybe you are looking at this the wrong perspective, giving you wrong results :)
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Italianguy
12-22-2009, 03:35 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Salaam,

I am in a marriage which i beleive is at a dead end.. i dont have any feelings for him and as much as i want to try, it just does not seem to happen.
I want to seperate so that he gets a wife he deserves and can treat him right, i dont wan to commit to more sin but no-one understands why I cant get on with him and people wnt consider seperatin cos what it will do to fam and reputations..
imsad
Give it more time. It will get better i promise.

Take for instance my grandparents. They were in an arranged marriage, at I think 17 or 18. In Italy. They met for the first time at the wedding, no joke.

4 days later, they came to the USA. It was extremely hard for them coming to a completely new life, in a new country, just met and married, and never learned any English before coming.

My grandfather was taken from his wife coming through Ellis Island in NY, beaten, and thrown in quarantine for no reason, for a week, my grandmother slept outside! Next to his cell, all week, waiting for him:cry:. (Keep in mind Italians where looked at as trash then, only good for labor) When he was released, they found other Italians and stayed with them and some Iranian Muslims until they got on their feet. They both passed at around 100 and 99 years old. They where quoted as saying " no matter what happens we love each other and nothing can hurt us" They had their bad times and good times but never stopped loving each other. They had to learn to love each other, not knowing anything about each other. They always said love takes time and so does a relationship. I never saw them ever show any affection towards each other, EVER,(no pda) But they had the best marriage anyone could have. I heard sometimes they would dance alone when no familia was around.;D

I guess the point being; give it time. No one is in control of your relationship but God and you,and your husband. You will learn to love each other through time. You will have bad times, but focus only on the great times. Stay strong in faith, Allah will provide everything else…..Everything else. When you learn to love each other and realize each other’s roles in a marriage, it will be the strongest bond no one can break. It may seem at times one is ready to give up on the marriage, but t will be ok, communication is key. Always talk through your feelings, (this being the learning process) and there should be no negative surprises. Please, please don’t give up, either of you.

God be with you and your marriage!
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cat eyes
12-22-2009, 06:29 PM
:sl:your problem has possibly arisen to many problems such as a rushed marriage, lack of compatibility, you cannot connect with your husband and a break down of communication is the biggest thing that make couples drift apart or maybe your husband has hurt you in the past and you feel you cannot give yourself to him fully anymore. id suggest marriage counseling and some great advice has been given here mashaAllah
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