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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 04:17 AM
There is something my husband wants me to do for him, and it is tearing me up inside. I know that it is haram what he wants me to do, and even if it wasn't I wouldn't want to do it anyways.

He wants to have another girl with us, when we engage in intimate relations.

He says he is only thinking of me, he wasnts to make me feel good, and that it might help to have another person there.

But I KNOW that it cannot be accpetable in Islam. I've tried telling him that, and telling him how much it hurts me to even think of it. I can't stand the thought of him touching another girl, and the thought of him doing it right in front of me, while touchingme too....

Sometimes he says that I'm right, it is haram, and he won't bring it up again, but he does anyways. Now he tries hinting at it without saying it exactly, and tries to get me to agree to it. He just smiles saying I'll come around, when I almost in tears by the thought of it.

What do it do? I am right, right? that it is haram? He shouldn't even be thinking of it, right? Please help, its tearing me up inside.

its really hard, because as his wife, I'm suppose to satisfy is "needs' but I can't help myself, when he mentions it while we are.... 'you know" i get all worked up and can't.... "you know" PLEASE I NEED HELP
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Hamza Asadullah
12-31-2009, 04:49 AM
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister jazakallah for sharing this with us as i know it must have been very hard for you. This is not as uncommon as you may think. The society we live is very sexualised where pornography is rampant and homosexuality, infidility, promescuity are all becoming accepted as the the norm.

It is clear your husband has got some major sickness with his sexuality. In order for him to suggest such a thing he must be speaking to that women and must have had relations with her.

Sister only Allah knows what you must be going through whenever he mentions such a terrible thing. It is clear from what you tell us that your husband is well aware that what he is wanting is beyond a major sin.

Sister I don't like to make fatwas against him or what you should do in your situation but in my own personal opinion you cannot possibly stay with someone like that because he will constantly mention it again and again and it will always linger in his head.

I would urge you rather than relying on our opinions to immediatley see a learned and experienced scholar so that he may tell you what your next steps should be as he would know best what you should do as he is best qualified to advise you in these situations.

You should do so immediatley without hesitation. If you are not sure of where to find one then i could try and locate one for you in your town and you can contact them.
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CosmicPathos
12-31-2009, 05:04 AM
This is a sort of sexual fetish. Threesome. Sorry to bring that name up. But that is how guys think today. A sad reality. These fetishes are nourished while openness in society continues to grow to the extent that morals become annihilated in this tormenting storm of logic, rationality and self-worship.

This fetish is so sick that it is even haram for a husband with two wives to engage in intimate actions with both wives at the same time .....
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 05:10 AM
it is even haram for a husband with two wives to engage in intimate actions with both wives at the same time
That is what I understood, so the fact that it is an unknow women is just as bad or worse.

I do not think he has a specific girl in mind, but I know he could easily find one. He often goes out, to bars :( and drink :( and dances :( then comes home to tell me how good he was, because of all the girls he turned down.

Hamza, I would appreciate help in finding a scholar, however, I am a limited member, so cannot pm you to tell you where, and I do not feel comfortable announcing it in public. I will try to find one, and when I am able to pm, i I need I will ask for help.

Thank you for your help. Salam'alakum
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Hamza Asadullah
12-31-2009, 05:16 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
That is what I understood, so the fact that it is an unknow women is just as bad or worse.

I do not think he has a specific girl in mind, but I know he could easily find one. He often goes out, to bars :( and drink :( and dances :( then comes home to tell me how good he was, because of all the girls he turned down.

Hamza, I would appreciate help in finding a scholar, however, I am a limited member, so cannot pm you to tell you where, and I do not feel comfortable announcing it in public. I will try to find one, and when I am able to pm, i I need I will ask for help.

Thank you for your help. Salam'alakum
My sister if he goes out as you say to drink and dance with women and comes up with such a fantasy then surely he is having relations with other women.

You are a very tolerant women to put up with all the haraam that he does. May Allah save you from such a man. Ameen
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CosmicPathos
12-31-2009, 05:17 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
That is what I understood, so the fact that it is an unknow women is just as bad or worse.

I do not think he has a specific girl in mind, but I know he could easily find one. He often goes out, to bars :( and drink :( and dances :( then comes home to tell me how good he was, because of all the girls he turned down.

Hamza, I would appreciate help in finding a scholar, however, I am a limited member, so cannot pm you to tell you where, and I do not feel comfortable announcing it in public. I will try to find one, and when I am able to pm, i I need I will ask for help.

Thank you for your help. Salam'alakum
if he tells you that he turned down so many girls in the bar, then there is more to story. He is trying to gain attention from you, it seems. Wallahu Aaalam.
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IslamicRevival
12-31-2009, 05:30 AM
What kind of husband requests such things? Its absolutely disgusting and as far as im aware these kinds of acts are totally forbidden in Islam.

As for him going out in bars drinking etc, i cant believe what im reading sis. Why put up with someone who drinks an how do you know what he gets up to when he is out, u just believe everything he says?

Allah Hu Akbar. May Allah SWT guide us all
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 05:30 AM
I appreciate your offer Hamza, but while I'm unsure of my husbands actions, email another (male possibly) is out of the question. Insha'Allah I will continue down the right path. If it isn't too much to ask, can you post your advice here, so I do not tempt fate as it were by contacting another male?

I really do beleive he hasn't actually had relations with another woman, though maybe I'm deluding myself. I am afraid. I appreciate any and all advice.

There is something, that worries me. Though I am afraid even talking about it is wrong,

I found an email (a string of emails acctually) between him and an ex-girlfriend. He tells her things like, he misses her, he loves her, she is the pretties and sexiest girl he's ever met, that he can't wait to see her, he asked her where sheis living, and said he plans to visit her. In fact, the place she told him was the place he said he wanted to move to after I graduate. When she asked about his love life, he said he had nothing serious (that he was too busy lately) but we had been married for a year and a half. When I found it, I confronted him, at first he tried to deny it, then he said he was just trying to make her feel better, because she walks with a limp now, but i saw none of that in the emails. He asked for her number, and from some of what was written they talked alot on the phone.....

.... I'm am scared, it hurts, but.... he makes me feel guilty for doubting him.
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 05:33 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Troubled Soul
What kind of husband requests such things? Its absolutely disgusting and as far as im aware these kinds of acts are totally forbidden in Islam.

As for him going out in bars drinking etc, i cant believe what im reading sis. Why put up with someone who drinks an how do you know what he gets up to when he is out, u just believe everything he says?

Allah Hu Akbar. May Allah SWT guide us all
I do (try to) beleive everything he says, because he reminds me that suspision is a sin, that trust is important, and he makes me feel guilty for doubting him. When I have trouble with it, he swears to Allah that he hasn't cheated on me, and that I am a terrible person for making him have to swear.
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IslamicRevival
12-31-2009, 05:37 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I found an email (a string of emails acctually) between him and an ex-girlfriend. He tells her things like, he misses her, he loves her, she is the pretties and sexiest girl he's ever met, that he can't wait to see her, he asked her where sheis living, and said he plans to visit her. In fact, the place she told him was the place he said he wanted to move to after I graduate. When she asked about his love life, he said he had nothing serious (that he was too busy lately) but we had been married for a year and a half.
Alarm bells should have been ringing at this point. You are a good person and from what i can gather up, he is taking advantage of you

No offense intended (Sorry!)
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Hamza Asadullah
12-31-2009, 05:39 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I appreciate your offer Hamza, but while I'm unsure of my husbands actions, email another (male possibly) is out of the question. Insha'Allah I will continue down the right path. If it isn't too much to ask, can you post your advice here, so I do not tempt fate as it were by contacting another male?

I really do beleive he hasn't actually had relations with another woman, though maybe I'm deluding myself. I am afraid. I appreciate any and all advice.

There is something, that worries me. Though I am afraid even talking about it is wrong,

I found an email (a string of emails acctually) between him and an ex-girlfriend. He tells her things like, he misses her, he loves her, she is the pretties and sexiest girl he's ever met, that he can't wait to see her, he asked her where sheis living, and said he plans to visit her. In fact, the place she told him was the place he said he wanted to move to after I graduate. When she asked about his love life, he said he had nothing serious (that he was too busy lately) but we had been married for a year and a half. When I found it, I confronted him, at first he tried to deny it, then he said he was just trying to make her feel better, because she walks with a limp now, but i saw none of that in the emails. He asked for her number, and from some of what was written they talked alot on the phone.....

.... I'm am scared, it hurts, but.... he makes me feel guilty for doubting him.
Sorry sister i was wanting to help you find a scholar so that your issue can be resolved properly and promptly.

Sister thats how people who cheat work. They make out like they are so innocent and when confronted they make you feel so guilty like how could you even think of accusing them.

Sister think about it if he can drink, go clubbing and tempt you into doing such evil do you think he's not capable of cheating on you or has'nt cheated on you? You even caught him out. The fact that he makes it out that he resisted those women is another sign of someone who cheats. Trust me i know because many people who i know are players and i am constantly trying to give them dawah but they avoid me now for that very reason.

The fact is sister you don't want to believe he is cheating on you and i don't blame you because its terribly painful. But now is the time to face reality and do something about it. That is why i suggested talking to the scholar because he will suggest the next best move so that you can come to an immediate solution to this problem.

You deserve true happiness with someone who will lead you towards doing good deeds and Jannah not someone who is wanting to lead you towards destruction by tempting you to commit such evil which is beyond words.
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Humbler_359
12-31-2009, 05:40 AM
:sl: Sister,

Do you mind to tell us you and your husband are Muslims? are you both Caucasian?

Wasalaam.
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IslamicRevival
12-31-2009, 05:41 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I do (try to) beleive everything he says, because he reminds me that suspision is a sin, that trust is important, and he makes me feel guilty for doubting him. When I have trouble with it, he swears to Allah that he hasn't cheated on me, and that I am a terrible person for making him have to swear.
.......Mind games sis. Mind games
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 05:42 AM
We are both Muslims. He is Arabic, and I am Caucasion, I was raised a christian, but found peace and answers in Islam, (hamdul'Allah)

Sorry sister i was wanting to help you find a scholar so that your issue can be resolved properly.
I know, and I appreciate it, I just want to make sure I stay on the correct path.

Sister thats how people who cheat work. They make out like they are so innocent and when confronted they make you feel so guilty like how could you even think of accusing them.

Sister think about it if he can drink, go clubbing and tempt you into doing such evil do you think he's not capable of cheating on you or has'nt cheated on you? You even caught him out. The fact that he makes it out that he resisted those women is another sign of someone who cheats. Trust me i know because many people who i know are players and i am constantly trying to give them dawah but they avoid me now for that very reason.

The fact is sister you don't want to believe he is cheating on you and i don't blame you because its terribly painful. But now is the time to face reality and do something about it. That is why i suggested talking to the scholar because he will suggest the next best move so that you can come to an immediate solution to this problem.

You deserve true happiness with someone who will lead you towards doing good deeds and Jannah not someone who is wanting to lead you towards destruction by tempting you to commit such evil which is beyond words.
I live in Southern Maine, I would love for you to help me find a scholar, only, I am afraid my husband will not let me go, it is like pulling teeth when I need to go shopping, go to school and go to work.
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CosmicPathos
12-31-2009, 05:47 AM
We are both Muslims. He is Arabic, and I am Caucasion, I was raised a christian, but found peace and answers in Islam, (hamdul'Allah)
I cannot believe he married a revert Muslimah and is now damaging her ... I am assuming he was born into a Muslim family and hence always been a Muslim. I feel sad to see such inter-racial marriages. I always seem to feel that born-Muslims try to take benefit of revert sisters (mostly White) and in the long term damage them. There are exceptions. But rarely. May ALLAH help you sister.
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Humbler_359
12-31-2009, 05:50 AM
Thank you. My thought is your husband is not following the basic of Islam, is he really Muslim by himself in his role model?

I am amazed that he is not doing correct things in front of new revert like you, Sister. From my understanding, he is not gonna to stop his haraams due to his habits and pleasures. :hmm:
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 05:53 AM
So, what can i do, what you say makes me want to run for it, but how? I have to do things right, I'm afraid of what will happen.
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CosmicPathos
12-31-2009, 05:55 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
So, what can i do, what you say makes me want to run for it, but how? I have to do things right, I'm afraid of what will happen.
It is bound to happen anyways.
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syilla
12-31-2009, 05:55 AM
salams ukhtee...

i think now you should think is good and best for you. show good example...and never never ever let him ask u to do haram things. at the end of day is you're risking your ownself on the judgement day. inshaAllah when he sees you trying to become a better muslimah he will think twice before asking u to do such thing
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Hamza Asadullah
12-31-2009, 05:55 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I know, and I appreciate it, I just want to make sure I stay on the correct path.



I live in Southern Maine, I would love for you to help me find a scholar, only, I am afraid my husband will not let me go, it is like pulling teeth when I need to go shopping, go to school and go to work.
Jazakallah khayran, well im in the UK so not aware of Maine, but around Auburn? Augusta? Bangor? Bath? Biddeford?Brewer? Brunswick? Caribou? Lewiston? Old Town? Orono? Portland? Presque Isle? Rockland? Saco? South Portland? Waterville? Westbrook?
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Humbler_359
12-31-2009, 06:05 AM
:sl:

Our members here will help you in solving this matters, i know they will give a great advice.

I basically remember website somewhere, it is www.Islamicity.com

This website is based on USA, they will help you or more reverts if you need help in forum there or contact. :statisfie

Take your time to look around.
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Hamza Asadullah
12-31-2009, 07:24 AM
south portland, ...
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, Ive found 5 contacts for you:

1. ICMO Contact Information

By Phone: (207) 866-7932
By Email: ICMOweb@hotmail.com
In Person: Islamic Center of Maine,151 Park Street, Orono Maine, 04473

2. Islamic Society of Augusta

3416 Middleton Dr
Augusta, GA 30907-3542
Phone(706) 868-7278

Women’s Representative

Bilquis Seema 706-294-2460
706-925-1995


3. Masjid As Saber in Portland

info@assaber.com


4. Bilal Masjid

located at 4115 SW 160th, Beaverton OR 97007.

email: bilalmasjid@bilalmasjid.com

Street address: 4115 SW 160th, Beaverton OR 97007

5. Muslim Community Center Of Portland

3801 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.
Portland, OR 97212
Phone • (503) 281-7691 FAX • (503) 282-9831

6. Muslim Educational Trust

Neighborhood: Southwest Portland
10330 SW Scholls Ferry Road
Portland, OR 97223

(503) 579-6621

Please ring and e mail them and inshallah you wil recieve the response you need.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen
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Alpha Dude
12-31-2009, 11:06 AM
He says he is only thinking of me, he wasnts to make me feel good, and that it might help to have another person there.
Gahh! Obviously it's only about making HIM feel good. Try asking him that you want another guy in there to make him feel good and what his thoughts on that would be. Pfft, watch his face as it turns to disgust over it!

Ah man, this guy sounds really bad sis and I agree with the others, he is just playing the guilt card. Him even emailing that girl is a BIG thing and alarm bells should be ringing. Unfortunately, it very much sounds like he is deceiving you and the limp thing is nothing more than BS.

He drinks, goes to clubs, dances and goes to the extent that he asks you to engage in his very haram desires with another girl (which I wouldn't be surprised if he was already having such relations with someone) and he doesn't even care about upsetting you. These are all sins and are not the way a muslim should behave. Why have you not left this guy yet? Sounds like an idiot. Many non-muslims would have left by now! Let alone muslim.

Does he pray? If not, I'd say you have everything to gain by leaving this guy and nothing to gain by staying. Some people will drag you down with them. Also keep in mind, if you do leave him, break all contact with him. It is more and more easier for people to get in touch with their ex's these days with all the innovations in communications and he seems like the kind of guy who might ring or email you out of the blue in say 6 months too, in order to persuade you back - and given the time away, you WILL be tempted to know about him due to the feelings you've had for him and you'd think maybe he's changed etc, but it would really be better if you never gave him the time of the day, ever. So change all your contact details if necessary after you've seperated.

Get in touch with a good imam/scholar and tell him about your husband, his stupid request in bed, his actions and his non-actions (whether he prays or not), his attitude toward Islam generally and ask the imam whether you should stay with him or not. Get more than one opinion. Some imams just like to hush people away and don't like getting involved with stuff too deep, so if you meet any like that, find another one that is willing to help properly. If you get an imam who says it is better to stay with him, get another opinion! Cos I find it really really hard to believe any sane muslim would want a new muslim to stay in such a horrible situation where your iman would be in constant danger, let alone a knowledeable imam. Some wouldn't think too deeply on this issue and only give out a superficial answer (divorce is disliked in Islam and should only be done if there is no other way right, so they might say to stay together etc, but given your circumstance, it is WAY better to go apart) so please give all the facts and ask them to consider properly and advise your accordingly.
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IbnAbdulHakim
12-31-2009, 02:47 PM
tell this shameless man to fear Allah and worship him and remember him.

what a shameless and filthy man he is
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cat eyes
12-31-2009, 03:03 PM
:sl: i agree with bro Alpha some scholars don't give divorce and tell you to stay in the marriage if they tell you that then contact another imaam and another until you get a different a opinion..

i am sorry to hear of your situation my dear sister and you are a revert alsoimsad

well sister you got the prove right in front of your eyes. the emails that he was sending to this other girl sis Allah is giving you CLEAR SIGNS but you are so blinded by love and who knows maybe even black magic because its common also for crazed men to do black magic on there wife to keep her blinded by love also.

i read a familiar story to this when a wife found emails on her husbands computer to another guy asking him how i can keep the love of my wife cos i committed adultery and she wants to leave and he was asking ths guy bout black magic and ths guy whom he was emailing was giving him information on how to do it so sister you should contact a scholar straight away cos sis its not normal thing for a woman to stay in a marriage after truth has come to her that he is actually cheating by telling his ex that he still loves her. the truth is in front of u sis and why are u not acting on it??

every girl that he will ever have a relationship in his life he will also cause her hurt and pain like how you are suffering now. you can get better trust me sis there is men out there who will love u.

i strongly believe that he is seeing this other girl or maybe seeing another girl because when he asked you to have a threesum i strongly believe he obviously knows another girl who is up for this kinda stuff also..

id also be making alot of duaa to Allah to keep u save of any evil or danger

inshaAllah you will make the right decision

:wa:
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Asiyah3
12-31-2009, 03:24 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
He often goes out, to bars :( and drink :( and dances :( then comes home to tell me how good he was, because of all the girls he turned down.
May I ask, why did you marry a man like that?

(with all due respect, please dont take it in a bad way , sorry for this question)

But sis, please don't accept what he's asking, You have 100% right to say no
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Alpha Dude
12-31-2009, 03:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by _muslim_
But sis, please don't accept what he's asking, You have 100% right to say no
Not only is it her right, it is her duty to say no. :)
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Muslim Woman
12-31-2009, 03:34 PM
:sl:

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
..He wants to have another girl with us, when we engage in intimate relations.

Prophet Muhammed pbuh is our role model and he never did it . His all wives got seperate bed rooms and this is a clear indication that intimacy between wife and husband must not be seen by others.

Sis , take ur husband to a doctor and keep asking help from Allah. InshaAllah u will be granted what is good for your hereafter .
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Muslim Woman
12-31-2009, 03:44 PM
:sl:

format_quote Originally Posted by Hamza81
My sister if he goes out as you say to drink and dance with women and comes up with such a fantasy then surely he is having relations with other women.

You are a very tolerant women to put up with all the haraam that he does. May Allah save you from such a man. Ameen

yes sis . I don't understand why u are tolerating such a guy ? At least live in seperation if he does not change . Does his family members know about his life style ? If u decide to divorce this man , will u get support from ur family ?

If possible , offer Istekhara salat and take the decision.
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AnonymousPoster
12-31-2009, 03:50 PM
:salamext:


http://ahlalhdeeth.com/vbe


ask Ayman bin khaled, he is a student of knowledge and will be able to answer you insha Allah.
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cat eyes
12-31-2009, 03:57 PM
im not making any judgments here but it seems to me arab men are the worst:hmm: ive seen loads of arabs here falling down drunk on the roads and arab girls coming out of pubs
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alcurad
12-31-2009, 04:40 PM
no disrespect to you sister, but if your husband wants such excess in sexual matters why is he married in the first place?

it's better if you solve this as quickly as possible sister, human nature at it's base does not discriminate and only seeks to fulfill it's desires, and you're better off without having to make such choices in the first place.

I'm not saying you have to divorce him right away, but your husband is going down a dangerous path if he hasn't already, and that path after the perversion has passed leaves little more than pain and heartache, unless you wish to see him being intimate with another woman like he's only allowed to be with you, I suggest you see a marriage counselor first, together, and if that don't work out see a lawyer, you said you're in the US, so there is no lack of marriage counselors.

also, I know that you're having a hard time with this, but you have to realize that part of the blame falls on you, either he's taken a fantasy overboard-all people have them, regardless of the exact details, but they are just that, fantasies, or you're not enough for him in bed, if it's the latter you need to do something, that is not an area I'm an expert in, nor should it be discussed publicly, but you're a grown up and married, and that marriage hinges on no small part in you both being sexually satisfied, hence seek out help in this as well. ask your sister or dearest friend or whomever you trust, or more easily walk to the nearest bookstore and grab a copy of the myriad books that deal with this. either way, there's endless ways to add a spark to intimate relations without involving a third party.
take this matter seriously and proactively, never feel helpless, and God willing you will be in a better situation.

if it is indeed a fantasy gone too far, then he needs to take concrete steps to curb it, we only believe what we want, no one actually needs to act upon a fetish, rather constant reinforcement is the main culprit, and this particular matter he asked you about is not widely talked in normal settings, there's either the internet-porn, chat rooms etc- or the people he would see in the bar, for the sake of both of you as individuals and as a couple he needs to stop, you need to communicate this to him as best as you can, make it no small matter, by not reacting enough to his going to the bars and talking about such things you're only giving an image of resignation and even acceptance.

and finally may God be with you and make your matters better, & I apologize if this was inappropriate in any way.
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Hamza Asadullah
01-01-2010, 07:04 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
So, what can i do, what you say makes me want to run for it, but how? I have to do things right, I'm afraid of what will happen.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,

I contacted Masjid As Saber in Portland and they replied:

Wa Alaikum Assalam.

Please let her contact our Imam: imam@assaber.com

So please E mail the imaam immediatley and i hope that whatever is best for you will happen inshallah. Please remember us in your dua's. Allah Hafiz
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zakirs
01-01-2010, 01:18 PM
so many people have given you great advice. , sister from what you have written your husband is spoilt and you deserve much more

May Allah help u :) sister
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Raaina
01-01-2010, 01:36 PM
Sister,

There is a huge amount of advice here :)
You really deserve better, you should never have to do something you don't feel comfortable with.

May Allah bless you and help you during this difficult time :)
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Donia
01-01-2010, 10:17 PM
:skeleton:

Salaamu alaikum, sis.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it must hurt. Stand your ground and continue to refuse his disgusting requests. It seems you have been really patient with him and I agree with the others that you should seek a scholar to determine what your next course of action should be. It sounds like he really needs some help but I have a feeling that he doesn't think anything is wrong. :hmm:

Please don't let this affect you as a Muslim woman. If there is anything positive to take out of this relationship so far, it is that you found the truth (Islam) and are now a Muslim. ALHUMDULILLAH. :)

I have seen situations where a woman reverts after marriage or for a marriage and then when it falls apart, she leaves Islam.
Please don't do this. How this man is treating you is not a reflection of what Islam requires.

May Allah make it easy for you sis.
Salaam.
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Cabdullahi
01-01-2010, 10:24 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
im not making any judgments here but it seems to me arab men are the worst:hmm: ive seen loads of arabs here falling down drunk on the roads and arab girls coming out of pubs

we thank sister cat eyes for the startling piece of evidence

:sl:
i would like to announce im not of the arabic ethnicity
:wa:
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sevgi
01-01-2010, 10:37 PM
I wouldnt let him touch me til he decides between them or me. Id lay out the terms...he has to chose.

If he choses them over me, he obviously doesnt deserve me and is a man***** stuck in a boring marriage.

You are his wife to try and fix him. This is your test. If you cant fix him, leave him to Allah.

Eww man...please dont degrade yourself to sleeping with a man who fills his mind and is driven with his lust for other women. Why cant he just stay at home and get turned on by his beautiful wife?

He doesnt deserve you.
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roohani.doctor
01-01-2010, 11:29 PM
He is telling you that suspecting him is a sin and yet himself continues to drink and engage in sinful thoughts/actions - it should tell you everything you need to know. Sis - please do see a scholar and inshallah the next steps will be easy. I wish you all the best. May Allah bless you and guide your husband to the right way. Ameen.
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~*~Serene~*~
01-03-2010, 08:55 AM
:sl:



I said i wouldn't give any marriage advice for a while but.....



I'll like to add something. I have questions. Do you plan to have children with this man?


If god blessed you with a daughter... what type of man would you like your daughter to marry? One that drinks, parties, enjoys threesomes, cheats, dances in clubs..etc? Would it please a mother to see her daughter with such a man? If the mother chooses such a man for herself...Will the daughter grow up believing that it's okay for women to accept these behaviours?And will the daughter choose such a man for herself?
Are mothers not the role models for their daughters?


If god blessed with you a son... would you be pleased if he behaved like his father?





i think thinking about the future might help:hmm:

take care:wa:
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distressed
05-16-2010, 08:20 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by alcurad
no disrespect to you sister, but if your husband wants such excess in sexual matters why is he married in the first place?

it's better if you solve this as quickly as possible sister, human nature at it's base does not discriminate and only seeks to fulfill it's desires, and you're better off without having to make such choices in the first place.

I'm not saying you have to divorce him right away, but your husband is going down a dangerous path if he hasn't already, and that path after the perversion has passed leaves little more than pain and heartache, unless you wish to see him being intimate with another woman like he's only allowed to be with you, I suggest you see a marriage counselor first, together, and if that don't work out see a lawyer, you said you're in the US, so there is no lack of marriage counselors.

also, I know that you're having a hard time with this, but you have to realize that part of the blame falls on you, either he's taken a fantasy overboard-all people have them, regardless of the exact details, but they are just that, fantasies, or you're not enough for him in bed, if it's the latter you need to do something, that is not an area I'm an expert in, nor should it be discussed publicly, but you're a grown up and married, and that marriage hinges on no small part in you both being sexually satisfied, hence seek out help in this as well. ask your sister or dearest friend or whomever you trust, or more easily walk to the nearest bookstore and grab a copy of the myriad books that deal with this. either way, there's endless ways to add a spark to intimate relations without involving a third party.
take this matter seriously and proactively, never feel helpless, and God willing you will be in a better situation.

if it is indeed a fantasy gone too far, then he needs to take concrete steps to curb it, we only believe what we want, no one actually needs to act upon a fetish, rather constant reinforcement is the main culprit, and this particular matter he asked you about is not widely talked in normal settings, there's either the internet-porn, chat rooms etc- or the people he would see in the bar, for the sake of both of you as individuals and as a couple he needs to stop, you need to communicate this to him as best as you can, make it no small matter, by not reacting enough to his going to the bars and talking about such things you're only giving an image of resignation and even acceptance.

and finally may God be with you and make your matters better, & I apologize if this was inappropriate in any way.

Erm sorry how is this the sisters fault ?? explain that to me ? the only thing shes done wrong in my opinion is stuck by him for so long and put up with such crap & how dare you say what you have about the sister not being good enough for her husband ?? I think its disgusting. This guy has probably picked up his fantasies, with the lifestyle he has, how is she to blame. From what ive read, the sister has had a lot of sabr & i hope things have sorted out for her.
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bluebell
05-16-2010, 10:34 PM
this is what happens when men watch porn!!! they want to be loved in that way, they have unrealistic fantasies and if they not getting it the way they desire it from their wives, unfortunatly they have to get it from elsewhere....

its not the sisters fault at all, its his fault he needs to stop watching all this rubbish, and appreciate her love for him, and if he wants more or wants to spice it up, then he should make the first move and she should follow as long as it is within islamic limits.

unless he might be a sex addict?? if he is its a illness and needs checking out.
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