format_quote Originally Posted by
AnonymousGender
I really need some advice.
I'll try and explain my situation breifly. I live at home with my parent's and siblings, due to a previous relationship breakdown (before I converted to Islam) I then lost my job and then I had a car accident and lost my car (Nice year huh!) I was extremely grateful that I didn't loose my life, extremely grateful and extremly lucky, it changed my view on alot of things (something not everyone understands or shares the same view on).
That was 2008. Since then i've not been able to hold down any work. At first I was applying for working with my field, then admin jobs, then any jobs I came across which I could do. Yesterday I had a phone call from an agent and she warned me because i've been out of work so long, the client might not call me for an interview because of that. I know this would be an issue and i'm sure in the current climate i'm not the only person facing this issue, its simular to the issue you have when you've gone from school to college and university, no one want's to employ you because you have know experience. So although her honesty did put me down a little, I wasn't to bothered as I had the simular situation when I left university.
The biggest problem I have, is my father. He is self employed, he is also currently out of work and he constantly puts me down. I call them his ego trips, because I cannot see any other reason for why he does it other then he's trying to make himself feel better. He'll say Oh you've been out of work for 14 months, you aren't doing enough. He says he doesn't put me down but he does. He'll make an entire conversation on how if someone has my cv and someone else's cv and someone with the same qualifications has been in work and i've not they'll choose that person over me. Obviously I know this, so then I ask, do you have any positive advice on how I can change this. No. He just likes to make these negative scenarios to make himself feel better like he's better then me because i've been out of work longer and everyone else has managed to find a job.
I'm also having a problem where by, basic unskilled jobs I apply for, they won't take me on because i'm over qualified, but I can't take my degree off my cv or how will I explain a big 5 year gap?
The main problem is him, I cannot cope with his constant bring me downs just so he can feel better. When I try and argue points back, they are ignored or argued against and then he'll come out with his favorite line of, if you're going to shout at me you can get out of my house.
Trust me, I want to leave this house asap. Anything I do that he doesn't agree with is used against me and according to him a "waste of time".
I try and stay strong and ignore it but sometimes it's hard :cry:
If he sees me getting upset and I tell him it's because of what he said, he gets upset and makes me feel guily because he comes out with things such as "Don't say that, I only want the best for you".
Which i'm not doubting, but the way he goes about it is completely wrong and he won't listen.
Sometimes I want to run, but I have no where to run :( and he knows this and he uses it against me, which is why he tells me to leave, he knows I won't leave and i'll do what he says because i've no where else to actually go.
I hate arguing with him, but sometimes he acts so childish, he doesn't seem to realise i'm not a child that needs his permission for things I want to do with my life. Instead he thinks I should be doing what he sees right for my life.
I don't know what to do :cry:
This is the third day we've been at home togerther now everyone is back in work and this is the third day i've put up with this. It will only stop when he seems I am upset and i'm not prepared for him to beat me down that low all the time. At least it stops for a week or so until he feels the need to repeat this same scenario over and over.
Help imsad:cry:
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister your not alone. Unfortunatley many parents may take this detrimental approach with their children. But sister i can assure you your father does not have the intention to purposely hurt you but it may be his way of having some sort of control. Its just his way of doing things even though they are detrimental.
The command to be good to one's parents begins right from the Qur'an. Allah says:
"Worship God and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents..."
[Noble Quran 4:36]
The mention of servitude to parents follows immediately after servitude to God. This is repeated throughout the Qur'an.
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say,
["My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." [Noble Quran 17:23-24]
The great scholar, Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî (d. 1201CE) explained:
To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them.
(Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)
The Qur'an emphasizes the great struggles the mother goes through for her child, to highlight the need for one to reciprocate their parents sacrifice for them:
"And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."
[Noble Quran 31:14]
The renowned exegete, Shaykh Abdur-Rahman As-Sa'di (d. 1956), says about this verse:
{And to your parents} meaning, be kind to your parents, shower on them love, affection and piety, both in words and deeds, treat them with tender humility, provide for them and never harm them verbally nor physically. [...] Then, Allah mentions the reason why we should be kind to our parents, when He says {His mother bore him in travail upon travail}, that is, the mother bore constant suffering; in pain and hardship from the first moment she felt the child moving in her womb to the worst pangs during the time of delivery. And {his weaning is for two years}, that is, during these two years the mother breast-feeds her child and looks after him/her. So after all the years of suffering, hardship, love and care, could we not, at least, compensate our mothers for what they have done for us and pay them back their rights?
(Taysîr al-Karîm ar-Rahmân fî Tafsîr al-Kalâm al-Manân)
The Qur'an repeats its mention of the struggles of the mother in yet another passage:
"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says,
"My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." [Noble Quran 46:15]
In connection to this passage, the late Grand Mufti of Pakistan, Shaykh Muhammad Shafy (d. 1976) wrote:
Mother has more rights than father
Although the first part of this verse is a command to do good to both the parents, the second sentence refers only to the hardships suffered by the mother, because they are unavoidable, and no child can be born without them. Every mother has to go through the problems of pregnancy and severe pains of delivery. As against this, it is not necessary for a father that he suffers any hardship in bringing up and educating the child, if he can afford to pay somebody else for these services. This is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has given more rights to the mother than anybody else. According to a hadîth he has said,
"Do good to and serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then the near relatives and then those who come after them."
[Mazhari]
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) continually used to remind his followers of the status of the mother and the obligation of being good to one's parents. The following narration is a beautiful example of the noble position of the mother:
A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So he replied: "Then your father."
(Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) showed us the importance of serving one's parents in the following narration reported by Abdullah Ibn Mas'ud:
I asked the Prophet, 'O Messenger of Allah, what is the best deed?'
He replied 'Prayer offered on time.'
I asked, 'What is next in goodness?'
He replied, 'To be dutiful and kind to one's parents.'
I further asked, 'What is next in goodness?'
He replied, 'Jihad in the Allah's cause.
[Sahîh Bukhârî, Sahîh Muslim]
Just as the Prophet said that kindness to one's parents was of the best deeds, he also said that disobedience to them was amongst the major sins:
"The greatest sins are to associate partners in worship with Allah, to be undutiful or unkind to one's parents, to kill a soul forbidden by Allah and to bear false witness."
[Sahîh Bukhârî]
Another early Islamic scholar, Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib (d. 709CE), was asked about the meaning of the verse "but address them in terms of honor"
(17:23). Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib replied:
It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master.
Here are some tips for you in how to deal with your father:
1. Try and keep out of his way when you know he is in one of those moods where you know he will bring you down or start criticising you. Just go into your room and pray Salah or recite the Qur'an with its meanings or read a good Islamic book.
2. When you feel that you are going to lose it with him then think to yourself he is my father and Allah has forbade me to even say 'uff' to him. So i must not answer back. Just think of Allah and remain calm and patient. If you fuel his anger even more then it will turn into a conflict. Just remain calm or leave the room calmly and not slamming the door or in a disrespectful way.
3. Never gain the anger and wrath of Allah by even saying "uff" to him. Even if our parents are oppressive to us we must be patient towards them and show them love in return. You are only doing it for the pleasure of Allah and this is a great way of gaining countless rewards and closeness to Allah!
4. Remember that by being patient with him your reward is with Allah and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for patience is Jannah!
5. Keep in your mind that this is just temporary for you will not remain with your father forever. He will also die one day so make the best of the time you have with him and accept that this is his nature and don't take it to heart but accept it as advice. If you feel your getting angry then just think of Allah so that you can be prevented from reacting badly and also say: "A'oodhu billaahi minashaythaanirrajeem". I take refuge with Allah from shaythan.
6. Remember that the way we are towards our parents that is how our children will be towards us so respect them as much as you can for there is so much reward and goodness in this.
Also ask of Allah to give you a good job and be hopeful and have reliance in Allah. Continue to do your prayers and pray nafil prayers to for extra closeness to Allah.
pend a lot more time remembering Allah and reciting the Qur'an with its meanings and trying your best to implement what Allah has written in the Qur'an into your life.
Repent and ask of Allah as much as you can and know that he hears all of your prayers and that this is a test for you and he only tests those who he wants goodness for.
Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for patience can only be Jannah!
and Allah knows best