One of the biggest problems in marriage is getting your mum and sisters to agree with your wife, or your wife to agree with her inlaws. This isn't just a problem of todays times, but its always been an issue since the beginning of time. So you're not alone.
It's a really complicated issue for you - as a husband - because you need to handle the experience without actually knowing who to side for, knowing that whoever you side for - it's going to get you negative feelings from the other side. So I'll share what I've learnt, and I hope that you benefit from some of my experiences insha Allah.
1)
Who does he (the brother/husband
) belong to?
Once you're married and your wife moves in the house, your wife is going to expect you spend time with her since she has left her family behind. She's going to feel alone, uncomfortable, but she's also going to feel that she's married; so she will expect that her husband treats her with love and care, and most of all - attention. You will need to keep a balance with her, and show from the start that you are dedicated - but - you will have to be separate every now and then from each other when you go to work and visit family. This might make her feel sad, but this is a part of life. Sometimes, absence can make the heart go fonder. And too much 'being in your face' can make you tired of each other. The middle way is always the best way and brings the most positive long term results, and that is a balance of the two.
By being with your wife, you're going to spend less time with your family. This is going to make them miss your presence, so they will want you to still get involved with them. They'll recognise that you can't as much, due to the marriage - but it might bring too much bad feelings if you don't
show your continuous love to them. This lack of time with them will naturally make them wonder, who does their brother belong to after this marriage? Wasn't he ours before? And
is this new girl trying to take him away from us?
2)
Emotions
These emotions of jealousy will start to creep up gradually, but it won't be too apparent. It may start off by them talking to each other, but later on it might become apparent to you in the way they talk to you. But keep one thing in mind, they are not your enemies, they love you and that's why they miss your presence.
So remember; you still have to connect with them like the old days, even if its less than before. To show them you still love them.
3)
Different Cultures Clash -
One thing might mean the total opposite to the other.
If your wife is from another culture or another type of family background (everyone is), you're going to have different scenarios in the house. This is due to everyone being unfamiliar with each others way of talking, acting, and emotions. So naturally, this is going to cause confusion. When people are from different backgrounds - they're going to misunderstand each other. And misunderstandings, can lead to harm, if - there isn't an intermediary to settle the differences.
Let me give an example;
Once, a mother inlaw came to her daughter inlaw and said in a loud voice; "Did you leave the gas cooker on?"
The daughet in law - shocked - and replied; "It wasn't me! I never did anything like that!"
There was a clash due to the loud, threatening voices, and they started to argue.
Where was the problem?
The Mother in law was told off by her husband for leaving the gas cooker on at night time, so due to her sadness (of being accused for leaving the gas cooker on) - she said the question in a way which seemed like she was angry.
The daughter in law thought she was being shouted at and accused too, due to her shock - she raised her voice as a reaction to the [percieved] anger - - from her mother in law.
So in reality, both were shocked at the situation and raised their voices, which led to arguing. When both never really intended any form of blame or argumentation.
4)
What I say matters more.
The jealousy and misunderstandings built up in the earlier stages will naturally begin to cause some bitterness between both sides. This might, or might not be apparent. But gradually, it will become apparent. Either one side will say something bad about the other, or the wife will tell of the hardships she is going through in the new house.
IMPORTANT:
KEEP COOL - all the way, you should always step back whenever you hear any opinion. Never be judgmental and never make sudden decisions. Hear Both Sides of the story.
Has the story of the litigants reached you [two people brought a case to Prophet Dawud]?
How they climbed up to the Upper Room and came in on [Prophet] Dawud who was alarmed by them. They said, 'Do not be afraid. We are two litigants, one of whom has acted unjustly towards the other, so judge between us with truth and do not be unjust and guide us to the Right Path.
This brother of mine has ninety-nine ewes [female sheep] and I have only one. He said, "Let me have charge of it," and got the better of me with his words.'
He [Dawud] said, 'He has wronged you by asking for your ewe to add to his ewes. Truly many partners are unjust to one another-except those who believe and do right actions, and how few they are!'
Dawud realised that We had put him to the test. He begged forgiveness from his Lord and fell down prone, prostrating, and repented. So We forgave him for that and he has nearness to Us and a good homecoming.
(We said), 'Dawud! We have made you a successor on the earth, so judge between people with truth and do not follow your own desires, letting them misguide you from the Way of Allah. Those who are misguided from the Way of Allah will receive a harsh punishment because they forgot the Day of Reckoning.'
(Surah Saad 38: 21-26)
Prophet Dawud realised he had made a mistake - because
he didn't ask for both sides of the story.
Even though it - apparently - seemed quite obvious who was the oppressor, Allah warned us through this example of His Prophet - so we remember to see both sides for justice. Because
there might be one little detail which we're unaware of - which changes the whole story.
If you want your word to count, if you want to bring about benefit and reconciliation between your wife and family - you need to ask both sides of the story, and be just - while trying to
put your emotions aside. Why? Because if you argue with emotion too - then you're not going to get anywhere in bringing reconciliation - and isn't that your main intent?
5)
Find Connection.
The hardest part in this whole scenario will be that everyone is arguing with emotions. No-one is thinking with a sane mind. Your family is arguing you don't spend enough time with them, your wife is arguing that you spend too much time with your family (when she has left all her family behind). So whatever reply of emotion you say, it will be discarded because they'll say you've been brainwashed by
'the other side'. So you can't say "You guys don't care about me", because they'll say that you're the one whose visiting them less.
The more powerful response is the one which shows you understand the situation, and that you will cause a fair balance in the scenario.
Your role is to find a connection between both parties so they get along.
So when that mother in law and daughter in law had the fight about the gas cooker, the intermediary son/husband calmly asked the wife why she shouted back at his mother (after the mother had left the room), since she should have had atleast some respect for the mother.
The intermediary told his wife that his mum wasn't shouting at her, but she was in a shock, and he knows this due to similar past experiences.
The wife replied that she never shouted either, but that she was just feeling defensive at the time, so she raised her voice against any accusation put against her.
6)
Where is the Common Ground?
Since you're going to be the middle person in this whole scenario, you will have to
clear any doubts the others face. So if you see that your family has a misunderstanding about your wife, then its your duty to ask her what she did at that time to cause such a result. She can then explain herself. You will then ask the family about their side of the story too.
Then by looking at each character, their past experiences and past arguments, you can try to
figure out what the actual problem is.
How to solve such a problem, and to clarify to each side what the other person actually meant. Did they have a good intention? If they reacted out of emotion, then probably the other side also did in some previous argument too.
So
your duty then would be to tell the wronged one what was going on in the other persons mind during that time.
After they realise this, encourage them [not force them] to forgive the other; [1] Because Allah will have mercy on them, and that Allah will give them more good for their mercy. [2] if an argument happens again in the future - the one wronged then will have to be forgiving too, to favour the balance.
Tell them that forgiveness brings more good from Allah, and that you're not belittling yourself by being merciful. Rather, you're the more powerful one by doing the forgiving. That your mercy will bring alot of good, and strengthen even your own marriage relationship between each other. Whereas to be harsh and hard hearted only makes you look ugly and brings nothing but hatred of everyone against you.
history repeats itself...
These arguments of emotion and misunderstandings will be repetitive, each in their own unique way. You will have to bear the responsibility, and show maturity in the way you respond. Don't think you're getting tired, think - you're getting stronger and more maturer, and this may be Allah's plans which will bring results that are useful for you in the future.
The husband then convinced the wife that she shouldn't have raised her voice, since the mother in law wasn't shouting at her, but just asking her a question. And furthermore, it was his mother, and his wife should have been more patient with her since adults require more respect. And that she wouldn't be happy if he raised his voice against her mother.
7)
Tell each side how you feel inbetween.
If problems persist too much, tell each side how you really feel. Tell them that you feel that you're going to get your first grey hair whenever you see them in the same room when raising their voices. Tell them in a relaxed and joking way so they feel relaxed too, but so your point comes across in a soothing and relaxed manner, but in a way that has an impact on them. They really do love you, and that's why each side feels jealous of you
'being stolen' by the other/s.
It might be that this makes them think and try more harder to stop the arguments, or be more patient with each other - for your sake.
8)
If no Connection is ever possible, then silence is better than argument.
Abû Hurayrah relates that Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his neighbor. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.”
[ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]
Sometimes the arguments still persist, so keep trying to be a mediator for help. This should show your sincerety too, and Allah will aid and reward you for trying to unite Muslims. Also, if you give up too early and say
"i can't be bothered with your lots arguments, fix them yourself" - your family members might think you've betrayed them, or your wife might feel you've betrayed her - by not helping her. This will make both sides be annoyed with you and think your acting childish.
Naturally though, there might be a point when both sides themselves stop talking to each other, and hate talking to each other. So even trying to bring them together has failed, because they're tired of this reconciliation business.
This is the time when you can
let them have a break, they don't need to talk to each other. You know that
this break will actually lessen the arguments, because they're not confronting each other.
However, this silent period should
not make them cause annoyance to each other like not performing their duties which are normal in the home. You should encourage them to continue their daily duties, but their
silence is a break from argumentation between each other. If your wife complains that she has to wash the dishes, tell her that she's doing it for you and not for
them. Maybe
even help her and the family out sometimes?
This is the time when you can benefit each side by giving them good influence. You
narrate them good events of the Salaf (our pious predecessors) of being a good character,
the rewards of Paradise etc, and you be a
practical example by keeping good relations with everyone. This softens the peoples hearts, and they want to reach new heights due to great role models and rewards which they hope for in the future.
If any side hints at wanting to reconcile with the other, you can throw in a good word to the other that this person said something good about you. Infact, there's a hadith on this;
It was narrated that Asmaa’ bint Yazeed said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘
It is not permissible to tell lies except in three (cases): when a man speaks to his wife in a way to please her [i.e. compliments which might not necessarily be true]; lying in war; and lying in order to reconcile between people.’”
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1939)
This hadeeth was classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7723
So if you think you can
unite them and there is good in that, then that is good. But this would be best if you first fed them with heart softeners and a good intention to strive for. So they aren't being good to the other for their own benefit, but for Allah's sake for His reward of Paradise. This encourages them to be patient and strive for that Paradise, even though they may face a hard time with the others.
8)
The Baby - who does it belong to more? [to everyone, each in their own respectable right].
When you have a child, similar arguments will likely happen. Every family will argue that it is 'their child'. The answer to this is simple; It's
YOUR CHILD. By saying that its your child, you can influence others on the rights they feel about the child.
So you set the rules; It's your child, and his mother has alot of rights on him. This means that if your sisters argue that the child is 'part of their family', then yes - but the mother will naturally have more rights (and she will have more emotions for it too) - so
you tell everyone who has what right to the child in how much degrees - in Islamic based justice [so the child's mum has alot of rights, but the childs grandma and aunties do too]
- while showing in everyones eyes that its your child, so you will try to uphold this justice Islamically, while being fair.
9) Show everyone their rights, and treat them as
Mature individuals.
When advising others, show them that you percieve them as a mature adult, so they understand you see them as someone who is intelligent instead of stupid. So hear their opinions and benefit from what they say. This makes your voice heard more receptively, and they appreciate the advices that you will give instead of them thinking your a big child who has a baby and '
just wants everything their way'. You need to show that you can handle your responsibility as a parent, while being fair, balanced and just with those around you.
This
allows them to look upto you and actually feel that you really are that mature parent who knows what he's doing.
Key Points of Benefit;
Don't humiliate anyone infront of the other - EVER. Each side respects you - if you let one down, they'll feel hurt that you put them down infront of someone who was opposing them. This increases bitterness against you, and people want revenge. If you - the good example - are like this, then what do you expect of everyone else? Allah's Messenger said [meaning];
"Whenever kindness is added to something, it adorns it; whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it defective." (Recorded in Sahih Muslim)
A wife looks upto her husband, sisters care for their brother (even if each side might say nasty things sometimes.) You need to play the role of the forgiving and fair figure they look upto and follow. Be like Allah's Messenger who never belittled his wives and companions, but instead was kind and forebearing with them.
Silence in Anger is Better than Abuse- Allah's Messenger was silent when he heard someone say something greedy or nasty to him. That builds in the abuser a sense of guilt, so they be kinder to you next time, since you never retaliated in an aggressive way back - even though you had the power to.
The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allâh ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.
35. But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high moral character). 36. And if an evil whisper from Shaitân (Satan) tries to turn you away (from doing good, etc.), then seek refuge in Allâh. Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.
(Quran Surah Fussilat 41:34-5)
This is better than being an abusive husband who hits his wife for what she said to your sister. Instead, you
show her through kindness what the right way is. If they rebel against you, then don't talk for abit until they show signs of them being sorry, and try to
give them excuses [
and they will learn and do the same for you if you ever do a mistake].
If she was in a fit of anger, and said something bad to your sister, or your sister said something bad to the wife - you
realise their anger and allow them to calm, instead of worsening the relations any further by any form of abuse.
Remember,
you're the intermediary - if you mess up - then nothing gets better. If you put your effort in, Allah will aid you in that rewardable act, and increase you in patience and wisdom.