struggling

[AnonymousPoster]

everythin is really hard for me, im in a dead in end marriage where i cannot feel anything for my husband, no matter how nice he is to me i just cant seem to feel anything towards him, its been 3 yrs and nothings changed.
parents wont consider divorce and all i get emotional stuff back
he deserves better, he needs better and i want him to find that cos i really cant see me bein able to provide that
i wan be a honest muslim, not commit sin and be leading the right way of life.. i dnt want to be horrible to him and feel that the only way forward is if we separate
im sooo stuck
i hate how im feelin...
i have no1 to turn to.. no1 understands..

[hanif_]

:sl:

Ukh AnonymousGender:

Before we respond or comment on posts we usually make every attempt to view current postings. It appears you are in a state of despair reviewing your comments, posts and threads.

This can happen to anyone in a situation they think they can't repair,rectify, or leave.

Allah always provides a way out or relief. I am suggesting that you discontinue seeking martial advice from a forum. You need to have your family and the Muslimah's at the local Masjid assist you in voicing your concerns and providing you with options to assist you with your situation.

There is only one side being presented so those you seeking to advise you are at a disadvantage because they need to hear both sides to provide just options.


3:139 (Y. Ali) So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: For ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith.

Reread before posting any comments or suggestions!

[Snowflake]

It appears you are in a state of despair reviewing your comments, posts and threads.

:sl: I think you're mistaken bro. AnonymousGender isn't any particular member's name. It's an optional account for those who want to post anonymously.


To the O.P.

:sl: Sis. May I ask if something happened that lead to you not feeling anything for your husband? Does he know how you feel and what are his feelings regarding divorce?


:wa:

[hanif_]

:sl:

Scents of Jannah:

Thank you for the clarification on anonymous posters.

The guidance of not seeking marital guidance in forum with only one party providing their side continues to be the best advise and can best be handled by the Islamic Community where they live.

Now if someone is requesting general information on what Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) directs on particular situations that is understandable.

How many qualified and certified Marriage Counselors do we have in the forum that uses Islam as the source of their resolutions?

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[AnonymousPoster]

I suggest you seek help with someone at your masjid or a marriage counselor.

[Cabdullahi]

to the Original poster what is it that you dislike about him

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

everythin is really hard for me, im in a dead in end marriage where i cannot feel anything for my husband, no matter how nice he is to me i just cant seem to feel anything towards him, its been 3 yrs and nothings changed.
parents wont consider divorce and all i get emotional stuff back
he deserves better, he needs better and i want him to find that cos i really cant see me bein able to provide that
i wan be a honest muslim, not commit sin and be leading the right way of life.. i dnt want to be horrible to him and feel that the only way forward is if we separate
im sooo stuck
i hate how im feelin...
i have no1 to turn to.. no1 understands..

is this a forced marriage? did you want to marry someone else instead of marrying this guy? do you still have feelings for the other dude?
he sounds like a good husband and it sounds like he treats you right and all (is there something you aren't telling us?), so i think there is something you need to work on?
how did you feel going into this marriage? usually when the marriage is a neutral feeling, generally everything goes smooth sailing but when there is ill feelings or one isn't going into the marriage whole heartily, then there is bound to be some "rifts."

there could be a genuine misunderstanding between you 2. is there? what i mean is that he may be trying to be someone else as to try to impress you, etc but you find that not so impressive and as a result harbor ill feelings towards him? you wish you could speak to him about it, but you dont want to hurt him? so in other words he is trying one thing and it is completely backfiring but you cant appraoch him/speak to him about it because you dont want to embarrass him/hurt him.

i dont think you should be trying to like him, i think first you need to work on the underlying root problem.

please forgive me if i have said anything out of line =)

[cat eyes]

:sl: sister your problem should be solved with a knowledgable scholar. feelings come and go, trust me when you become an adult you will realise that. give it some time, you might develop feelings for your husband. who knows, when you leave you might only realise that when its to late so i suggest maybe go to a marriage councelor or experienced scholar.

[penartist]

[trust me when you become an adult you will realise that. QUOTE]


Since the sister has been marrief for 3 years we can safely assume that she is an adult unless she was married off as a child.

As for the O.P i think the advice given here can only temporarily soothe your feelings of not being heard and feeling trapped into assuming that a whole lot of people out there understand what you are going through (and i guess there will be many that will be in your position too) ....

...however for a permenant solution advice is best seeked from a solid Islamic source who will not only give you correct guidance but the confidence too to go ahead and change your life for the better (Inshallah)

May Allah ease your worries

[cat eyes]

[trust me when you become an adult you will realise that. QUOTE]


Since the sister has been marrief for 3 years we can safely assume that she is an adult unless she was married off as a child.

:sl:many girls get married off at the age of 16years or 17. i am assuming shes a young adult and many young couples do have these problems but they realise later in life when they become a MATURE adult that they have made a mistake because of the fact they were so young they did not take the time to seek proper help such as the things which i have said in my previous post.... marriage counseling and speaking with an experienced imam. :wa:

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:many girls get married off at the age of 16years or 17. i am assuming shes a young adult and many young couples do have these problems but they realise later in life when they become a MATURE adult that they have made a mistake because of the fact they were so young they did not take the time to seek proper help such as the things which i have said in my previous post.... marriage counseling and speaking with an experienced imam. :wa:

:wa:

I understand what you mean. But this can happen at any age. A person who marries at 30 after constant thinking and research can find out whens 40 that he has married a wrong person. Is there any blame?

To the OP, it seems that you are just thinking that "he deserves better?" Is that a way of escaping the situation? Its hard to pin point the fault since we do not know how you ended up getting married to him if you did not like him ....

[cat eyes]

:wa:

I understand what you mean. But this can happen at any age. A person who marries at 30 after constant thinking and research can find out whens 40 that he has married a wrong person. Is there any blame?

To the OP, it seems that you are just thinking that "he deserves better?" Is that a way of escaping the situation? Its hard to pin point the fault since we do not know how you ended up getting married to him if you did not like him ....

brother read my post again. young people tend not to know about the resources available when encountering such problems. of course it can happen at any age. where did i disagree and nor did i say she was a child.

[syilla]

:salamext:

Have you discuss your feelings with your husband? What is his reaction?

[sabr*]

:sl:

Scents of Jannah:

Thank you for the clarification on anonymous posters.

The guidance of not seeking marital guidance in forum with only one party providing their side continues to be the best advise and can best be handled by the Islamic Community where they live.

Now if someone is requesting general information on what Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) directs on particular situations that is understandable.

How many qualified and certified Marriage Counselors do we have in the forum that uses Islam as the source of their resolutions?

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

Akhi hanif_

I am in agreement with you. Reviewing various posts providing advice it appears that people are more interested in seeking salacious details verses providing advice based upon Quran and Sunnah.

The questions should be generalized.

The qualified and certified Marriage Counselors who give counseling treatment based on Quran and Sunnah in the forum are off duty.

Visit the Imam at your Local Masjid.

[AnonymousPoster]

i understand what ur all saying.. im the one in the wrong more than he is, we've had our issues where we both been at fault..
it was arranged marriage, hes originally from Pak.. the reason I came on here is to get advice as i feel i have no where to turn to.. sorry for asking..

[sevgi]

Dont say sorry for asking.

Sis, to be honest...you made a huge sacrifice, an illogical one when you decided to make ur parents happy by marrying a guy originally from pakistan. No matter how nice he is, hes from a different world and wont make you happy. Because you agreed to this marriage, if you leave him, youre gna break many hearts.

You either have to focus on his good side and be happy with it- or atleast content with it....or you have to not make the mistake of being illogical as you continue to sacrifice yourself for the irrational happiness of your parents. No offence. Im sure they are lovely people...but its illogical to arrange an unwanted marriage and to force it to continue.

[AnonymousPoster]

how can i make them to understand this.. all i get is emotional wrds back and nothing gets resolved..
i want him 2go and be happy and get wat he deserves.. i cant give him that happiness..i wan stop commiting these sins..

[Ummu Sufyaan]

no need to be sorry indeed. i dont think anyone thinks its your fault, its just the way you made it sound by saying you wanted someone better for him :)

have you spoken to a knowledgeable person about this? is there a third party that your parents will listen to?

[AnonymousPoster]

i dont no who to turn to..

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^allah?
......

[AnonymousPoster]

i pray and pray - seekin Allah swts help and guidance..

[syilla]

i pray and pray - seekin Allah swts help and guidance..

Does your husband understand how you feel?

[alcurad]

aside form what sister Syllia said, having a mediator-counselor etc- helps a lot I believe, to avoid getting emotions in the way another party is sometimes needed.

also for the thread's sake, it would make it easier if you laid out specifics to discuss, I mean I don't think you're asking for general advice, rather something very specific in your relationship with your husband that's not working, so if you laid that out we could offer more concrete advice ..

[Italianguy]

^you took the words right out of my mouth.

Does your husband know how you feel? If he finds out, maybe you can try counciling and or different things that may bring upon better feelings for eacch other? I am sorry that you feel this way....I have never see someone in an arranged marriage so unhappy? Usually the 2 people are matched, upon multiple facets of your lives. Most of my family are in arranged marriages. You do have to learn to love one another, but it's beautiful when you grow in a relationship together. If you don't mind me asking,....are you not attracted to him (do not answer me if you do not want to) I have plenty of experience with poeple like us in arranged marriages(there positives and negatives) Mine was semi arranged(longgggg story, just watch the Hindi movie when it comes out;D) but in all seriousness, it is a shame after 3 years.....nothing??

God be with you sis.

[alcurad]

another thought, 2.5-3 years is around the time the 'sparkliness' of marriage fades, and the couple are faced with the prospect of having to deal with each other for a very long time ahead, most divorces happen around this time as well I remember reading somewhere, a sort of a middle age-marriage-crisis. if so then you should try your hardest to open the communications channel, outbursts are ok at the beginning, just agree on a format and don't blame, rather listen to each other and don't try to defend/feel attacked right away. that won't be that easy but for both of your sake's it has to happen.

if you're not used to articulating your thoughts well or the idea of confrontation makes you uncomfortable, try writing them down on piece of paper instead, as a letter I mean, that way no drama would happen.

also could it be that you don't usually stand up for yourself most of the time? reading your post I get that feeling though I could be wrong, if so, he'll probably take you for granted and not try his best to be your friend & confidante as well as husband, I mean you're not actually telling him of your needs and woes, then how would he know?

in this situation, when it comes to your needs and feelings don't say anything rash but it is necessary to be assertive, again from the little you've actually said it doesn't sound like he's even trying his best and all the burden of adjusting is on you? being meek is not your duty as a wife nor a religious obligation, these are your basic human rights. perhaps you need to stop talking about him deserving better and think about yourself as well? now again I could be wrong, so feel fee to correct me.

more importantly be proactive and do something, sitting on your hands is the worse thing to do. I'm not trying to be mean, and I apologize if this is how I come across, but the situation seems to be quite bad, and you do need to take matters into your hands. now thinking only about one's needs is not good for a healthy relationship, but that goes both ways.

[AnonymousPoster]

cos of all the emotion involved i just tend to stay schtum cos i cant deal with it.. either i rant or rave, cry etc.. which i no dont get anywhere , i jus stay quiet..

[cat eyes]

another thought, 2.5-3 years is around the time the 'sparkliness' of marriage fades, and the couple are faced with the prospect of having to deal with each other for a very long time ahead, most divorces happen around this time as well I remember reading somewhere, a sort of a middle age-marriage-crisis.

i wouldn't agree with that brother. the reason why marriages fail depends on the person whom your married to. if we look at what the prophet (saw) said about finding a spouse.. we are told to look for compatibility.. if we havent got this theres a high chance marriages fail because both people are so different from each other. you see this is why i don't agree with arranged marriages..

you cannot get to know the person whom your going to marry and the parents arrange everything. they put an awful lot of pressure on there child to marry who they want just because he might be wealthy or what ever or come from a highly respected family. i have been told how difficult arranged marriages are and it becomes some what of a sex relation more then anything.. sometimes the person don't fall in love such in the sisters case.. and just like italian guy says i think its a lot to do with attraction also. attraction plays a big part.

[syilla]

cos of all the emotion involved i just tend to stay schtum cos i cant deal with it.. either i rant or rave, cry etc.. which i no dont get anywhere , i jus stay quiet..

ukhtee...if you want to be happy you should do something about it...not just let it be. You're the only one who can make yourself happy :)