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BananaPancakes
02-04-2010, 02:59 PM
How do I know if I've found my soulmate?
I know! It sounds riddiculous!
But there's this guy I've known since I was 11, we're both 19 now and 2nd year university students. We've gotten the chance to become pretty good friends within these last two years, by the most interesting series of serendipitious circumstances. It all started in the year 2002 when I moved out of the continent and started junior high in a country I had never even heard of. Anyways, that's where we met, and I didn't really aknowledge his existence. I was 11, and angsty and it all just seems so long ago and funny. Forward three years later, I moved back to North America, and started high school. Funnily enough, the year I moved, when I was 14, he actually told me he liked me! It was awkward and random, and my only way to react was to say: WHAT? He said nevermind, blushed and walked away. And I still remember that. He thinks that I actually didn't hear what he said (ha ha ha) so to this day, he thinks I don't know about his little 14 year old crush. But anyways, turns out that he moved to the EXACT SAME CITY as me a year later. How did I know? I was working as a cashier at Safeway when I was in grade 11 (WORST job ever) and he happened to come through my till with his mom. We didn't recognize each other at first, and it was late, and I just wanted my shift to be over, until he saw my nametag and the rest is history. Anyways, I didn't think much of this encounter, except for maybe...how random? But I didn't see him again for the remainder of my highschool years, and I think we might have talked on facebook once or something. To me, he was just a guy I knew. Now, flash forward to September, 2008: my freshman year at university. I was taking the bus to campus, when somebody called my name. I turned around, and I didn't recognize who the person was (because he had a beard, LOOOL) but upon closer inspection, it was the GUY (let's call him Gus, for forum purposes). Anyways, turns out Gus and I were both in the same faculty in the same university. So we started chilling and what-not, first year, I just saw him as a pretty chill guy. Anyways, just wanted to say that we're both Muslim, and we're both religious (all though he's a little bit more intense than I am) so in NO way am I thinking of doing anything...you know, haram. But we've become good friends, and I like being around him. I do. And I've never really liked someone before. I mean, I've thought people were cute for maybe like...2 days or so, then forgot about them. But I think about him a lot, and how sweet and dorky he is, and how we get along so well. But like I said, I'm religious, and I respect myself too much to say anything! I think the feeling is reciprocated because he does anything I ask him too (it's kind of funny :P), I've noticed him getting really nervous around me, and there have been multiple times that we've hung out during one of my long and boring 2-3 hour breaks, and he totally loses all sense of time and ends up skipping like ALL his lectures (that's kind of funny too), and he actually used to randomly do my homework last year without me knowing ('cause he knew that I either didn't know that I had homework, or didn't know how to do it and probably gave up hope on it), so he's the sole purpose I managed to pass Physics II. Anyways, he's really, really, REALLY religious, and that is what I think draws me to him. He's the only guy I know who will catch all of his daily prayers, even when at school (it's not often that you hear someone say, BRB, I gotta go pray Thuhr, when you're just chilling), and I'm religious too. But I just DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. One thing though, is that I'm trying to talk to him less and less for two main reasons:
1. Everytime I ignore him, he starts calling and texting randomley, and it's kind of cute (I know! That's so bad!)
2. Sometimes when we hang out, I get really flirty, mainly because his reaction is amusing (i.e. the nervousness and blushing, etc.)__ I know this is REALLY wrong on so many levels and very manipulative, but I've repented so many times and it's only really happened a couple of times.
Anyways, I'm trying to be less close, because I don't want anything bad to happen. But I really care about this guy. And I know he cares about me too, as I've seen the jealousy and over-protectiveness. And like I said, he's really religious so he doesn't really give other girls the time of day. But what in the world am I supposed to do? I know what I WANT to do, but that would just be a direct passage to hell (hahaha, I'm only kidding!).
Sorry if this **** post is sooooo long. There's a lot to say!
Thanks guys for taking the time to read this (if you did, even).
:D:D:D:D
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'Abd-al Latif
02-05-2010, 12:03 AM
:salamext:

He isn't religious enough if he's calling/texting you, handing around with you and doing all the things that shaytan wants both of you to do. When Allah (s.w.t) asked you to lower your gaze in front of the opposite gender, it was because doing something as small as looking at something that you're not supposed to look at is forbidden so anything more then looking (such as everything you've described) is even more forbidden.

Ward off passing thoughts because, if you do not, they will become ideas.

Ward off ideas because, if you do not, they will become desires.

Fight them because, if you do not, they will become resolve and determination and if you do not ward them off they will become actions.

If you do not resist them with their opposite, they will become habits and it will be difficult for you to get rid of them.
[Al-Fawaa’id by Ibn al-Qayyim, p. 33]
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aadil77
02-05-2010, 12:34 AM
Either get married or forget each other, cause next thing you know you might be repenting for a much worser sin.

You know what freemixing, flirting and all that leads to, you're living in america and its common enough there

Right now you're just a bit excited cause you like each other, but you're acting as a huge fitna for him so either leave him alone or get together islamically through marriage
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Ummu Sufyaan
02-05-2010, 01:40 AM
:sl: sis.
i agree with the above 2 replies.
even though you dont have feelings, there is a chance that since you are interacting with him, that they will develop. you shouldn't play with his emotions knowing that he likes you and all, because firstly it is wrong, and secondly you may be leading him on...
cant you see where this is going? first its a sequence of coincidence that you run into each other and all, then you get all friendly, etc...? then what. what of you do develop feelings for him?

its all a test sis so do NOT underestimate it :exhausted if you keep denying it, then its going to only get harder.
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Dagless
02-05-2010, 02:19 AM
Best case scenario - He loves you, and you love him. You see yourself with him forever and ever. You talk it out. Get married soon. Live happily ever after.

Average case scenario - You're just lusting, you hang out too much, do too much, lose interest, argue, drift apart, and then spend the next few years in regret.

Worst case scenario - He was shopping with his mother huh? Remember who said "A boy's best friend is his mother"? Young Gus turns out to be a stalker, and you realise all the chance meetings weren't actually chance. He did your homework without telling you so you wouldn't learn. You end up failing your exams and repeating the year. Gus stands by his window laughing as he looks through his telephoto lens, clicking away, gathering yet more material for the BananaPancakes wall/shrine.
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Italianguy
02-05-2010, 02:30 AM
Originally Posted by Ferown
Best case scenario - He loves you, and you love him. You see yourself with him forever and ever. You talk it out. Get married soon. Live happily ever after.

Average case scenario - You're just lusting, you hang out too much, do too much, lose interest, argue, drift apart, and then spend the next few years in regret.

Worst case scenario - He was shopping with his mother huh? Remember who said "A boy's best friend is his mother"? Young Gus turns out to be a stalker, and you realise all the chance meetings weren't actually chance. He did your homework without telling you so you wouldn't learn. You end up failing your exams and repeating the year. Gus stands by his window laughing as he looks through his telephoto lens, clicking away, gathering yet more material for the BananaPancakes wall/shrine.
Even worst case scenario:

They hide this from there parents, continue to do this the wrong way and inadvertantly destroy each others families, thus causing them to depend on each other....only to discover after 2 children and 3 miserable years of a forgotton lust. that

1.) they where never in love
2.) they destroyed their families
3.) God is not going to be happy with their actions
4.) They should have listened to there friends on Islamicboard
5.) They should abide by their Islamic beliefs
6.) They should have invited Italianguy to the wedding;D(You have to have at least 1 Italian at your wedding)(sorry, had to do it)
7.) Stop this madness!
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BananaPancakes
02-05-2010, 05:13 AM
Awww, you guys!
Firstly, I want to let you all know that it's not fair to say that this guy isn't religious, because, believe it or not, 99% of the time when we hang out we're talking about religion. And he has VERY firm beliefs and has memorized a LOT of the Quran already at such a young age. I know it's not right, but I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER do anything wrong, even if we developed feelings for each other and stated them. I respect myself, my religion and my family too much for that. If I just started to ignore him, he would probably be really upset, and I would feel so bad for doing something like that to someone, which in and of itself is a sin. You can't just up and leave somebody! Anyways, he's a great guy, and he does my homework which is always a ++++ in my books ;). Just kidding! I get by with my poor grades as is. Thanks for the advice guys, and I'll take it to heart, don't worry. I'm not that type of girl anways, I've had multiple chances to do stuff already and I haven't which at least says something! Besides, my priorities are (and have always been) organized like this:
1. Religion
2. Family
3. School
4. Discovering a vaccine that will simultaneously cure lukemia AND AIDS, and thereby winning myself a Nobel Prize :P. Men aren't really on that list for me at all! I honestly hardly think about guys, and I've never "lusted" for him, or thought of him in a sexual way AT ALL. I just like him for being him, and he's a refreshing dose of approval when something is upsetting me. I don't like complaining, and I usually keep things to myself and end up feeling like I'M in the wrong, and he's always so understanding and doesn't try and give lame advice.
But for serious, we aren't hooligans, no worries. I just feel like when something like this happens, God has a plan, and it may be a test, but everything definitley happens for a reason. :D
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CosmicPathos
02-05-2010, 05:57 AM
the only problem with one vaccine for Leukemia and HIV is that its not possible. But of course its good to have lofty goals. Regarding Nobel Prizes, I hope that Muslims could get em. It takes dedication and life-time effort to reach there and even then it's still a hit or miss. My inorganic chem prof told me about my "nobel prize ambitions," that its good to target for that but be realistic, you might die without getting it. He gave examples of at least 8 inorganic chemists who he thinks deserve to get it but will never.
Anyways.

Stop seeing this dude.
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Donia
02-05-2010, 06:17 AM
I agree with the others that you should get married or leave each other alone.

Has marriage even crossed your mind? I would think it would be the next logical thought since you both have taken a liking to each other and are religious people.

:sl:
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BananaPancakes
02-05-2010, 06:59 AM
Alright, thanks guys, you've confirmed everything I already knew (but kinda just ignored!). I don't really see anything else coming out of this. If something happens, then great, but likely that is not the case. Because, to be honest, nobody in their right mind would EVER marry me (and that is a fact), so he'll probably end up happily married with someone less crazy than I am, and I'll be genuinley happy for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see him as a person that I'm glad I've gotten the chance to know, but I don't feel that way about him at all_ and by that way, I mean, you know thaaaaaaaaaat waaaaay. I've taken the care to delete his number off my contact list, about a week ago, and I haven't texted him since! :D Yah, we saw each other this week, but it was totally random (I had no idea he was sitting in that floor, at the library at that time. I wouldn't have even been there if I didn't decide to skip my 12 O'clock lecture and attend the 10 O'clock one instead!), but that was pretty much it. Oh, I also saw him earlier today, but again, completely random and NOT planned. ha ha ha. Anyways, it's safe to say that I'm trying to get past this. I'm fine just being friends and what-not, but really, I don't want to EVER develop feelings for him. He deserves better than me :). Thanks guys, again! You're all really helpful and pretty darn smart <3
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BananaPancakes
02-05-2010, 07:02 AM
Originally Posted by Wa7abiScientist
the only problem with one vaccine for Leukemia and HIV is that its not possible. But of course its good to have lofty goals. Regarding Nobel Prizes, I hope that Muslims could get em. It takes dedication and life-time effort to reach there and even then it's still a hit or miss. My inorganic chem prof told me about my "nobel prize ambitions," that its good to target for that but be realistic, you might die without getting it. He gave examples of at least 8 inorganic chemists who he thinks deserve to get it but will never.
Anyways.

Stop seeing this dude.
Ha ha ha, don't worry, I'm sure I will never win a Nobel prize! My AIDS/Cancer cure theory is pretty psychotic, and will obviously never work. I'll just be happy being a teacher the rest of my life! Inshallah that dream comes true :).
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CosmicPathos
02-05-2010, 08:01 AM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
Ha ha ha, don't worry, I'm sure I will never win a Nobel prize! My AIDS/Cancer cure theory is pretty psychotic, and will obviously never work. I'll just be happy being a teacher the rest of my life! Inshallah that dream comes true :).
It was not meant to discourage. I just wanted to put things in perspective. I hope you achieve what you want.

Cheers.
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Cabdullahi
02-05-2010, 09:45 AM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes

2. Sometimes when we hang out, I get really flirty, mainly because his reaction is amusing (i.e. the nervousness and blushing, etc.)__
sorry I found this bit sickening, sister you two have to get married or else you're just preparing him for zina with your flirty behavior its dangerous!

Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
ehe has VERY firm beliefs and has memorized a LOT of the Quran already at such a young age.
A guy can learn the quran how many times it will not save him from zina if he's watching a girl flirt and countless girls got themselves attached to ''the perfect dorky guys'' and got used and thrown like moldy banana pancakes on the side of the curb.



either get married or curb your feeling towards him do whichever one is easy time is running out!
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Asiyah3
02-05-2010, 10:43 AM
:sl:

BananaPancakes, May I ask, do you think that your relationship (friendship) with him is halaal? Does it not include that which is forbidden in the following hadeeths:


The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to ‘Ali: “O ‘Ali, do not follow one look with another, for you are allowed the former but you are not allowed the latter.”

“be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”

[al-Ahzaab 33:32]

It was narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yassaar said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.”

It cannot be said that his intention is pure, because Allaah has created men with an inclination to be attracted towards women. Hence Allaah has forbidden men to look at women and has commanded them to lower their gaze. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts)”

[al-Noor 24:30]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The eye may commit zina, and its zina is looking.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, al-Nikaah, 1840; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Abi Dawood, no. 1884).

“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)”

[al-Talaaq 65:2-3]

“and whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make his matter easy for him”

[al-Talaaq 65:4]
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Dagless
02-05-2010, 03:25 PM
Originally Posted by Wa7abiScientist
the only problem with one vaccine for Leukemia and HIV is that its not possible.
Way to ruin someones objectives ;)
Seriously though, who are you to say its not possible? Isn't that what everyone says a short time before it actually happens? They've been looking for cancer and AIDS vaccines for ages and a lot of the money given to those charities goes to just that. If only you'd replied sooner! you could have saved them some money :)
BananaPancakes FTV! (for the vaccine).
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★ηαѕιнα★
02-05-2010, 03:57 PM
I think you DO like him sister...come on admit it:) Every girl would wonder whether it was ment to be and start fantasising about how it would be when you were married. And I read you like his company and you find him adorable. You know he likes you. No man would do such sweet things just for the fun of it. In generally men are not very carring to "strangers" (no offence brothers :D). When they are carring and you aint a relative of his you know somethings up (just a theory i thought of). Anyway sounds like a mix that causes LUVV to me. I agree with the Scientist. You should keep your distance and keep whatever contact strictly business. Like i dunno: "can i copy your notes?" or something like this. Whenever feelings are becoming a part of this you know in which direction your headed: highway 666:P

And why do you say no one wants to marry you? Bet you have loads of wife-qualities within you? Its in our genes! You shouldnt be so hard on yourself:)

Salaam alaikom

PS: ive noticed many on IB seek advice concerning this subject alhamdoellilah. Did i miss something?
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Woodrow
02-05-2010, 03:59 PM
Originally Posted by Ferown
Way to ruin someones objectives ;)
Seriously though, who are you to say its not possible? Isn't that what everyone says a short time before it actually happens? They've been looking for cancer and AIDS vaccines for ages and a lot of the money given to those charities goes to just that. If only you'd replied sooner! you could have saved them some money :)
BananaPancakes FTV! (for the vaccine).
Before we get people thinking they should stop donating for research into HIV and cancer vaccines. It should be noted that the valid for vaccines for either one is plausible. But a single vaccine for both,as as discussed by WS BP, is not likely. One reason is some cancers appear to have a mechanical basis, such as a form of lung cancer caused by breathing asbestos dust or lung cancer caused by smoking.


So Inshallah, nobody here will think cancer and HIV research is without merit based on the valid arguments against a single vaccine for both.
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CosmicPathos
02-05-2010, 05:51 PM
Originally Posted by Ferown
Way to ruin someones objectives ;)
Seriously though, who are you to say its not possible? Isn't that what everyone says a short time before it actually happens? They've been looking for cancer and AIDS vaccines for ages and a lot of the money given to those charities goes to just that. If only you'd replied sooner! you could have saved them some money :)
BananaPancakes FTV! (for the vaccine).
Well, progress is made when breakthroughs in knowledge are made. From what we know of today regarding vaccines, its impossible to make a vaccine for HIV. Its as impossible as making gold from soil, even though one can say its possible if Silicon atoms fused into gold eh! In the same way, vaccine for HIV is impossible. What I mean by vaccine is monoclonal neutralizing antibodies. There CAN be other ways of stopping HIV (genetic therapies for example) and you can call them "vaccine" too but I mean vaccine in the strictest sense of the word: humoral response of making Abs.

But of course, she can dream of it, just like how I dream of flying at the speed of light. :D
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BananaPancakes
02-05-2010, 11:07 PM
Okay guys, just wanted to say a couple of things.
Firstly, I wasn't being serious about the HIV/Lukemia thing. It's an inside joke between me and my friends because when I was in high school I thought if someone figured out how to manipulate the HIV virus so that it ONLY targets non-specific, mutated white blood-cells, we could inject it into a patient suffering with lukemia and cure them of their cancer. But then we'd need to discover a vaccine for HIV so the poor person doesn't die of AIDS. I know it will never work, it was just a stab at humour (yeah, I'm lame, I get it). And I also wanted to mention something on everyone saying: Just get married! Yeah right! You guys say it like it's the easiest thing in the world. Two young people who are friends can't just get married out of the blue. We don't even have proper jobs! I work retail and am a poor and struggling college student, haha. But thanks for the concern :). And one more thing I want to add, is how upset it made me when I read all those comments saying: Yah, he's not religious if he talks to a girl, LOL. You guys don't know him, and yeah he's doing something not considered halal, but how many of you guys lie sometimes? Or talk badly about people? Or feel arrogant and confident (which, judging by your comments, there's quite a few of you). All of these are probably WORSE sins than talking to a person of the opposite sex. I know it's not right, but people need to stop acting like it's the worst thing in the world. I know that in some countries, and I've witnessed this with my own eyes, because girls and guys are not allowed to interact PERIOD, a lot of guys resort to experimenting through homosexuality. And you guys can't say that's not true, because sadly it is. Like I said, I've seen it happen. I thought women and men interacted with each other during the prophet's time? Or I could be wrong...I know the flirting is completely wrong, but I'm young and stupid, and I do it for the reaction 'cause it's amusing! I've repented for it, I don't need people to tell me that it's wrong_ I gathered that on my own. And I also wanted to add that another reason why I like being around Gus (he he) is because he is probably the one person in my life who treats me like I'm important. Everyone else treats me like they don't care and have a tendency to take me for granted, simply because I'm that type of person. A lot of people know they can rely on me because I care about them a lot, and I want to make sure they're okay, so they use me. I don't blame them, it's easy to do. And I know that all the people in my life care way less about me then I do about them. Except for Gus :). Anyways, sorry for the life story, and thanks for the advice, but just wanted to clear some things up! And I want to stop being so close to him, I do, but we have a tendency of running into each other, then we make each other laugh and suddenly my day isn't as sucky as it was before then. :hmm:
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Alpha Dude
02-05-2010, 11:20 PM
:sl:
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
And one more thing I want to add, is how upset it made me when I read all those comments saying: Yah, he's not religious if he talks to a girl, LOL. You guys don't know him, and yeah he's doing something not considered halal, but how many of you guys lie sometimes? Or talk badly about people? Or feel arrogant and confident (which, judging by your comments, there's quite a few of you). All of these are probably WORSE sins than talking to a person of the opposite sex. I know it's not right, but people need to stop acting like it's the worst thing in the world.
Sister, the bits in red are examples of you doing what you're telling others not to do. You don't know the people here, so why do you assume they indulge in these things? :)

Anyway, I wouldn't assume that they're being arrogant when they say 'he's not religious if he does this'. It's to point out, in order to be truly considered religious, one would avoid all sins. The point is, there are many other people out there who do avoid talkin to girls. So you shouldn't just assume a guy is good if he reads x amount of salah and memorises a hundred surahs. It's the outward actions accompanying the knowledge that matter.

And I also wanted to add that another reason why I like being around Gus (he he) is because he is probably the one person in my life who treats me like I'm important. Everyone else treats me like they don't care and have a tendency to take me for granted, simply because I'm that type of person. A lot of people know they can rely on me because I care about them a lot, and I want to make sure they're okay, so they use me. I don't blame them, it's easy to do. And I know that all the people in my life care way less about me then I do about them. Except for Gus :).
With no disrespect intended, what you say here is nonsense and exactly the kind of reason young girls get taken advantage of by guys. The whole 'nobody understands me! :'( nobody cares about me! :'( Only HE does YAY, I'm so glad he's in my life! :statisfie' What about his vested interests in keeping you happy and saying and doing things that will keep you happy? Have you stopped to give that a thought?

Remember this: Paedophiles can make little girls feel the way you feel about him. It can and does happen. Obviously, the paedo has vested interests in making the girls feel like that. Think about it.

Bottom line: It is haram to mingle with the opposite sex. Don't flirt. Don't be lax. Keep it formal. Don't become 'friends' with guys. Preserve your modesty.
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Asiyah3
02-05-2010, 11:45 PM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
Okay guys, just wanted to say a couple of things.
You didn't answer my question. Is your "friendship" against the will of the Merciful and His Messenger SAAS? (Please read my previous post.)
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BananaPancakes
02-05-2010, 11:56 PM
With no disrespect intended, what you say here is nonsense and exactly the kind of reason young girls get taken advantage of by guys. The whole 'nobody understands me! :'( nobody cares about me! :'( Only HE does YAY, I'm so glad he's in my life! :statisfie' What about his vested interests in keeping you happy and saying and doing things that will keep you happy? Have you stopped to give that a thought?

Remember this: Paedophiles can make little girls feel the way you feel about him. It can and does happen. Obviously, the paedo has vested interests in making the girls feel like that. Think about it.

Bottom line: It is haram to mingle with the opposite sex. Don't flirt. Don't be lax. Keep it formal. Don't become 'friends' with guys. Preserve your modesty.[/QUOTE]

Omg, it's not like that! I'm going to say this only because I don't know any of you, and it's usually something I don't tell ANYONE. But I come from a big family and being the middle child, everybody gets treated better than I do. And it is the truth. Where my older brother and younger sisters get everything paid for for them, I HAVE to get a job making $9/hour so I can put my ass through school. I don't complain, but I think parents take that kind of thing for granted. And don't say things about pedophiles because I was actually molested as a child by someone that was very close to me. Nobody knows about this, and I try to keep it a secret. So what you said is really hard to swallow. And I am not like most other girls. I've never "crushed" for a guy, and I avoid those losers with "game". This is one person that I just feel so comfortable around, who treats me with respect, and has NEVER once said anything disrespectful to me, or flirted or any of that stuff. He just does things for me, and indirectly makes sure I'm okay. Which is so different from everybody else I know who only want stuff from ME. And I'm trying to break ties with him, but I'm not going to pretend I don't care about him, because I do. I want him to be happy and healthy and all that stuff. And sorry about saying that stuff about the people on the board, but I'm getting fed up with all those muslims who don't talk to girls but are arrogant as ****, are racist, are rude, and have never donated/volunteered for the sole purpose of wanting to help other people. Not that you guys are like that in the slightest :). I'm just saying. Anyways, I'm actually trying here, but you guys are pretty good about making me feel like some stupid girl who doesn't know what's good for her, when you really never even met me. And I'm sure if you met Gus you'd agree that he's the nicest person. He's a nerd! He only talks to ONE girl really. And he's a total Mama's boy.
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BananaPancakes
02-06-2010, 12:01 AM
Originally Posted by _muslim_
You didn't answer my question. Is your "friendship" against the will of the Merciful and His Messenger SAAS? (Please read my previous post.)
Yeah, I know it's wrong. That's why I'm trying to stop it. I'm trying not to contact him (he's no longer on my phone address list), but it's hard. I just don't think its fair that people on this board are judging him...He's really a great guy. And I hate most guys out there so... Point is, I'm trying to end this relationship, but I still care and what the best for him, like I do for everyone else in the world. And some guy thinks I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't know anything and falls in love with "bad boys". If this were the case, he would have tried to convince me to do stuff with him already. He doesn't even flirt, he's just treats me better than I've ever been treated by anyone in my life, and it is genuine. I don't think of him in a sexual way or anything, just the same way I think of everyone else that I respect and care about, because he respects and cares about me. I hate those lame guys who try to take advantage of girls. Anyone who's a smooth talker is instantly avoided by me. I'm not stupid.
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Asiyah3
02-06-2010, 12:05 AM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
But I come from a big family and being the middle child, everybody gets treated better than I do. And it is the truth. Where my older brother and younger sisters get everything paid for for them, I HAVE to get a job making $9/hour so I can put my ass through school. I don't complain, but I think parents take that kind of thing for granted.
I'm very sorry to hear that. Parents should treat their children justly.

Which is so different from everybody else I know who only want stuff from ME.
But in Allah's sight you are valuable.
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Alpha Dude
02-06-2010, 12:10 AM
Anyways, I'm actually trying here, but you guys are pretty good about making me feel like some stupid girl who doesn't know what's good for her, when you really never even met me. And I'm sure if you met Gus you'd agree that he's the nicest person. He's a nerd! He only talks to ONE girl really. And he's a total Mama's boy.
Sister, I don't believe he's a 'bad' person. I make no judgement on him. I intend not to, but if from my last post it seems that way, then I apologise.

The problem I see is with your current perception and mentality. It's quite 'typical' of teenage girls, I've noticed. They yearn to be appreciated.

That's all well and good, but you shouldn't seek appreciation from unlawful sources.

Just because your own close ones don't give you the attention/love that you crave, doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact, they love you unconditionaly.

The fact is, your family have known you your entire life. They take you for granted, in a sense because you're not new to them. They've known you long enough and gotten used to you so much that they don't shower you attention etc that you want. They have every right to be like this.

They don't have the time or resources to spend every waking moment into making you feel good, loved and appreciated. You're not new to them.

Whereas, in the case of this guy, you're a new thing to him and so inevitably he's going to be enthusiastic about pleasing you. Imagine for a second that you guys got married and 10 years down the line, he got used to you too and stopped being the attentive and appreciative guy that he was? What if another guy came to you at that time and started giving you the attention that you wanted? Would you think only this new guy cares about you?

For the record, I don't think you're stupid. I'm trying to advise you. Not patronise nor judge. :)
Reply

Asiyah3
02-06-2010, 12:13 AM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
Yeah, I know it's wrong. That's why I'm trying to stop it. I'm trying not to contact him (he's no longer on my phone address list), but it's hard.
I'm glad to hear that. May Allah reward you for your deed and your pure heart and make it easy on you.

Sister, please read the following:

Prophet Muhammad's Last Sermon

This sermon was delivered on the Ninth day of Dhul al Hijjah 10 A.H. in the 'Uranah valley of Mount Arafat.

After praising, and thanking God, he SAAS said:

"O People, listen well to my words, for I do not know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you very carefully and take these words to those who could not be present today.

O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Treat others justly so that no one would be unjust to you. Remember that you will indeed meet your LORD, and that HE will indeed reckon your deeds. God has forbidden you to take usury (riba), therefore all riba obligation shall henceforth be waived. Your capital , however, is yours to keep. You will neither inflict nor suffer inequity. God has judged that there shall be no riba and that all the riba due to `Abbas ibn `Abd al Muttalib shall henceforth be waived.

Every right arising out of homicide in pre-Islamic days is henceforth waived and the first such right that I waive is that arising from the murder of Rabi`ah ibn al Harith ibn `Abd al Muttalib.

O Men, the Unbelievers indulge in tampering with the calendar in order to make permissible that which God forbade, and to forbid that which God has made permissible. With God the months are twelve in number. Four of them are sacred, three of these are successive and one occurs singly between the months of Jumada and Sha`ban. Beware of the devil, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.

O People, it is true that you have certain rights over your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under God's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers. It is your right and they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste...

O People, listen to me in earnest, worship God (The One Creator of the Universe), perform your five daily prayers (Salah), fast during the month of Ramadan, and give your financial obligation (zakah) of your wealth. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.

All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.

Remember, one day you will appear before God (The Creator) and you will answer for your deeds. So beware, do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

O People, no prophet or messenger will come after me and no new faith will be born. Reason well, therefore, O People, and understand words which I convey to you. I am leaving you with the Book of God (the Quraan) and my Sunnah (the life style and the behavioral mode of the Prophet), if you follow them you will never go astray.

All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. Be my witness O God, that I have conveyed your message to your people."
Reply

BananaPancakes
02-06-2010, 12:48 AM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
Sister, I don't believe he's a 'bad' person. I make no judgement on him. I intend not to, but if from my last post it seems that way, then I apologise.

The problem I see is with your current perception and mentality. It's quite 'typical' of teenage girls, I've noticed. They yearn to be appreciated.

That's all well and good, but you shouldn't seek appreciation from unlawful sources.

Just because your own close ones don't give you the attention/love that you crave, doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact, they love you unconditionaly.

The fact is, your family have known you your entire life. They take you for granted, in a sense because you're not new to them. They've known you long enough and gotten used to you so much that they don't shower you attention etc that you want. They have every right to be like this.

They don't have the time or resources to spend every waking moment into making you feel good, loved and appreciated. You're not new to them.

Whereas, in the case of this guy, you're a new thing to him and so inevitably he's going to be enthusiastic about pleasing you. Imagine for a second that you guys got married and 10 years down the line, he got used to you too and stopped being the attentive and appreciative guy that he was? What if another guy came to you at that time and started giving you the attention that you wanted? Would you think only this new guy cares about you?

For the record, I don't think you're stupid. I'm trying to advise you. Not patronise nor judge. :)
Yah I know. I love my parents, and I know that they love and care about me. But I also know that they care about my other siblings more than they do me because my whole life I got the short end of the stick. When they're stressed, they take it out on me. When they go through hard times (really hard times), I get blamed. When we were kids, my sisters used to get all these toys, and I honestly didn't have anything! I know it's stupid, and I don't think about it, but that's the stuff I remember. I also remember that when my sisters did something wrong, I would get punished for it because "I didn't tell them not to do it". But they do love me, I know that, and they do care about me, but it's not the extent that they do everyone else. And I also sometimes feel that I love and care more about them then they do about me. I go out of my way to make them know it too. Last time I've gotten a birthday present from either parent was when I was in grade 4, and it was this book I really really wanted. But I still buy them really expensive things every year because I know it makes them happy. I think it's because my parents know I can take care of myself, they don't have to try as hard as they do for my other siblings. But I get tired sometimes. I get tired from doing all that work, and trying so hard to maintain my life and keep my parents happy, and then it all goes unnoticed. It's nice to be treated special, hahaha. It's a stupid mentality, I agree, but it is nice. Anyways, point is, I'm not trying to do anything haram so I'm doing my best to avoid this one guy. He honestly is the nicest person I know, so I'm going to be sad when I won't hear from him anymore :(. Thanks though! :smile:. Sorry for the loooong posts and it's a little out of topic (ha ha) but it's just to clarify what I'm trying to say.
Reply

BananaPancakes
02-06-2010, 12:51 AM
Originally Posted by _muslim_
I'm glad to hear that. May Allah reward you for your deed and your pure heart and make it easy on you.

Sister, please read the following:

Prophet Muhammad's Last Sermon

This sermon was delivered on the Ninth day of Dhul al Hijjah 10 A.H. in the 'Uranah valley of Mount Arafat.

After praising, and thanking God, he SAAS said:

"O People, listen well to my words, for I do not know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you very carefully and take these words to those who could not be present today.

O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Treat others justly so that no one would be unjust to you. Remember that you will indeed meet your LORD, and that HE will indeed reckon your deeds. God has forbidden you to take usury (riba), therefore all riba obligation shall henceforth be waived. Your capital , however, is yours to keep. You will neither inflict nor suffer inequity. God has judged that there shall be no riba and that all the riba due to `Abbas ibn `Abd al Muttalib shall henceforth be waived.

Every right arising out of homicide in pre-Islamic days is henceforth waived and the first such right that I waive is that arising from the murder of Rabi`ah ibn al Harith ibn `Abd al Muttalib.

O Men, the Unbelievers indulge in tampering with the calendar in order to make permissible that which God forbade, and to forbid that which God has made permissible. With God the months are twelve in number. Four of them are sacred, three of these are successive and one occurs singly between the months of Jumada and Sha`ban. Beware of the devil, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.

O People, it is true that you have certain rights over your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under God's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers. It is your right and they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste...

O People, listen to me in earnest, worship God (The One Creator of the Universe), perform your five daily prayers (Salah), fast during the month of Ramadan, and give your financial obligation (zakah) of your wealth. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.

All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.

Remember, one day you will appear before God (The Creator) and you will answer for your deeds. So beware, do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

O People, no prophet or messenger will come after me and no new faith will be born. Reason well, therefore, O People, and understand words which I convey to you. I am leaving you with the Book of God (the Quraan) and my Sunnah (the life style and the behavioral mode of the Prophet), if you follow them you will never go astray.

All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. Be my witness O God, that I have conveyed your message to your people."
Thank you for posting that. It really helped put my life into perspective. I wish everybody was like the prophet (PBUH).
Reply

chacha_jalebi
02-06-2010, 01:14 AM
elo sister pancakes :D

i completely understand where your comin frooom, adding to the advice above,

you gotta think of it this way, even thou your not doin anythin directly "haraam" is the way your hangin round and stuff completely halaal?

like in uni, in many cases its hard to avoid mixin with the opposite gender, but you can put restrictions on it, just hang around when it involves group work or in lectures or even in a group, hangin around just you two, is askin for trouble, like the hadiths, "when a man and woman are alone, shaytan is their third"

my advice to you is, take a step back, please Allah (swt) make him happy, and he will sort you, and maybe when you take a step back dont mix as much, you can pray do istikhara and ask if this guy is for you :D if you get the right signals, then why not approach your rents and ask him to do the same? then you can be married and go uni together, how cute would that be :p but for the momento seriously take a step back, shaytan can mislead anyone at anytime, ask him not to text and call and if you need to speak just make sure its about uni and stuff, tell him this is what islam teaches you! and if he is so serious then he should approach his rents and if he is not ready then take a step back and see how it goes, when he is ready:D

ive known many people in exactly same situation as yourself, known each other, then they have begun practicing thus drifted apart and then some of them have actually ended up not talkin again and some subhanAllah have even ended up gettin married :D

so inshallah, make sure you do the right thin and follow what islam teaches us, as it is best for us
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
02-06-2010, 02:13 AM
:sl:
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
With no disrespect intended, what you say here is nonsense and exactly the kind of reason young girls get taken advantage of by guys. The whole 'nobody understands me! :'( nobody cares about me! :'( Only HE does YAY, I'm so glad he's in my life! :statisfie' What about his vested interests in keeping you happy and saying and doing things that will keep you happy? Have you stopped to give that a thought?

Remember this: Paedophiles can make little girls feel the way you feel about him. It can and does happen. Obviously, the paedo has vested interests in making the girls feel like that. Think about it.

Bottom line: It is haram to mingle with the opposite sex. Don't flirt. Don't be lax. Keep it formal. Don't become 'friends' with guys. Preserve your modesty.
just to add to that sis, (also, no disrespect intended)the reason why people make you feel like crap and make you feel the way you do, is because YOU cant stand up for yourself. people wouldn't treat you like a door mat if you didn't let them. ceratin things has happened in my own life, where i have come to the realixation that the reason why people treat others the way they do, is because they simply see that they can. i dont mean this necessariy in a bad way, but if you think about it, peopel treat you how you teach them-good or bad.

no one makes you the way he feels? have you let them? have you made yourself emotionally independent of people so that you find yourself not depending on them in that way so much? i dont mean cut all emotional contact from people (i dont think its even possible) but at the same time you need to dig deep and find it in yourself to be strong and stand tall. you need to teach yourself to be a leader, not a follower because when you are a follower, people aren't going to respect you as much and if they are ill minded, may even go to the extent of using you.

no one makes you the way he feels? its funny you say that because you dont even like him, he likes you and no matter what you intended if you joke around with him, etc he is going to take it seriously...he is going to take it to heart.
he doesn't see your intentions or he doesn't see whats in your heart that has lead you to joke around with him, etc, so he will take you messing with him as if you like him because well, why else would you joke around with someone if you didn't like them (that's the he'll be thinking) so you have to think about this from his perspective as well...cos to be honest, you may be leading him on, and he'll get hurt. badly.
Reply

Italianguy
02-06-2010, 03:25 AM
Originally Posted by BananaPancakes
Alright, thanks guys, you've confirmed everything I already knew (but kinda just ignored!). I don't really see anything else coming out of this. If something happens, then great, but likely that is not the case. Because, to be honest,[ nobody in their right mind would EVER marry me (and that is a fact)]

, so he'll probably end up happily married with someone less crazy than I am, and I'll be genuinley happy for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see him as a person that I'm glad I've gotten the chance to know, but I don't feel that way about him at all_ and by that way, I mean, you know thaaaaaaaaaat waaaaay. I've taken the care to delete his number off my contact list, about a week ago, and I haven't texted him since! :D Yah, we saw each other this week, but it was totally random (I had no idea he was sitting in that floor, at the library at that time. I wouldn't have even been there if I didn't decide to skip my 12 O'clock lecture and attend the 10 O'clock one instead!), but that was pretty much it. Oh, I also saw him earlier today, but again, completely random and NOT planned. ha ha ha. Anyways, it's safe to say that I'm trying to get past this. I'm fine just being friends and what-not, but really, I don't want to EVER develop feelings for him. He deserves better than me :). Thanks guys, again! You're all really helpful and pretty darn smart <3
Why would you say, nobody would ever marry you and thats a fact? That is very untrue. God has already chosen a mate for you, one who is perfect for you and will love you and treat you like a queen! It's just not time yet, finish your studies, become more familiar and stronger in your faith. When you realise that the relationship is wrong and that if he is willing to pursue you in an unIslamic way, .....why would you want him?:hmm: Clearly his intentions are...ummmm....less than honorable.

Don't be so down on your self. Be strong, be faithfull, give all glory to God!....Not this guy whom is leading you away from Gods path. When you become stronger in your faith, God wil see this and along will come your mate, it will fall into place if you leave it up to God.

God be with you sis.:D
Reply

zakirs
02-06-2010, 03:50 AM
Originally Posted by Italianguy
Why would you say, nobody would ever marry you and thats a fact? That is very untrue. God has already chosen a mate for you, one who is perfect for you and will love you and treat you like a queen! It's just not time yet, finish your studies, become more familiar and stronger in your faith. When you realise that the relationship is wrong and that if he is willing to pursue you in an unIslamic way, .....why would you want him?:hmm: Clearly his intentions are...ummmm....less than honorable.

Don't be so down on your self. Be strong, be faithfull, give all glory to God!....Not this guy whom is leading you away from Gods path. When you become stronger in your faith, God wil see this and along will come your mate, it will fall into place if you leave it up to God.

God be with you sis.:D
:sl: sister ,

I agree with what italian guy has said. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR SHAMEFUL IN PROPOSING a marriage. I believe its better than asking out for a date :p. Anyways we are happy that you realise what is important. But please don't think its bad or people would imagine you are lame because you are different.

I you like this guy and you admire him for his religiosity then may be put him out of misery and propose for marriage ( may be after graduation , if you are uncomfy ). Its not for you to judge yourselves , its others job :p . If he rejects it don't worry , there are a lot of fish in the pond and you have a noble prize to win too!.

Bye
Reply

Italianguy
02-06-2010, 04:05 AM
Originally Posted by zakirs
:sl: sister ,

I agree with what italian guy has said. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR SHAMEFUL IN PROPOSING a marriage. I believe its better than asking out for a date :p. Anyways we are happy that you realise what is important. But please don't think its bad or people would imagine you are lame because you are different.

I you like this guy and you admire him for his religiosity then may be put him out of misery and propose for marriage ( may be after graduation , if you are uncomfy ). Its not for you to judge yourselves , its others job :p . If he rejects it don't worry , there are a lot of fish in the pond and you have a noble prize to win too!.

Bye
LOL.....put him out of his misery;D

Marriage is putting him in it;D I'm JUST KIDDING ladies!
Reply

zakirs
02-06-2010, 04:32 AM
Originally Posted by Italianguy
LOL.....put him out of his misery;D

Marriage is putting him in it;D I'm JUST KIDDING ladies!
Well its misery because , if A likes B

A cannnot talk to B because it is forbidden
A cannot completely let go of thoughts of B because of his age and the world we live in
A feels guilty that he is thinking too much about B which he knows is wrong.
Reply

★ηαѕιнα★
02-06-2010, 01:56 PM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
:
With no disrespect intended, what you say here is nonsense and exactly the kind of reason young girls get taken advantage of by guys. The whole 'nobody understands me! :'( nobody cares about me! :'( Only HE does YAY, I'm so glad he's in my life! :statisfie' What about his vested interests in keeping you happy and saying and doing things that will keep you happy? Have you stopped to give that a thought?

Remember this: Paedophiles can make little girls feel the way you feel about him. It can and does happen. Obviously, the paedo has vested interests in making the girls feel like that. Think about it.
Your on slippery ice her brother! ;D
And ItalianDude: Your looking for trouble aint ya?? Hope your wife aint a member. No samosa for you!;D

Sis you should be more ASSERTIVE. Seriously I recognize a lot of stuff from your behaviour. I was the same as you. Inshallah you will get loads of hasanaath for being there for people. But you should also take care of yourself. Usually people taking advantage of you results in you ending up as a doormat. You should gard your boundaries else it can be disadvantuous for you. AND you can be assertive and friendly/sweet at the same time. Being assertive doesnt mean you have to change in a total witch. When somebody asks you something (like a sister) and you dont want to do it you could just say: "I love your very much but I am not gonna do that". This message says two things 1. You saying no will not effect your relationship with your sister (atleast not for you) 2. You will not do it. Use it on my lil sis too sometimes and it helps. She just feels dissapointed for a little while and after that she understands and all is good:D Take care

Salaam alaikom
Reply

BananaPancakes
02-08-2010, 04:19 AM
Ok, so _muslim_ pm'ed me and asked me how I was doing, and it turns out I couldn't reply because I need to be a full member! So I've decided to bump up this thread hoping that she'll see it, hahaha.
Well, to answer that, the weekend is done and I'm not ready for Monday! It's a strange feeling to have, but even though I like talking to him, I really really REALLY don't want to see him at all. I'm a little sad because I kind of miss him, even though I shouldn't. We IM'ed each other a couple times over the weekend, but it was nothing sentimental. There was just something I needed to tell him (it was nothing sentimental! Just a small family issue_ his not mine). And I've taken into consideration what everyone has said on this thread, and although it's sad to admit it, it's the truth...He doesn't care about me as much as I thought he did. It's just that I've been so used to being ignored by everyone else, that I assumed his attention was genuine caring. I re-evaluated the situation, and I realize now that he's just as caring as everyone else in my life (if not less haha). It's a nice dose of reality, so I'm not going to complain! Hahaha, right now I'm just going to focus on school (well, try to) and work and whatever else I need to get my life moving in the direction I want it to. Again, thanks for the advice everyone! You guys are awesome <3
Reply

syilla
02-12-2010, 04:23 AM
^^^ May Allah grant you the most lovable and caring husband that is perfect for you :)
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