Trying to make a fresh start

[Hope & Islam]

Assalaamu Alaykum,

First ever post here.

I am seeking guidance and support regards issues with faith and finding inner contentment and peace through the love of Allah SWT and Islam.At present I'm going through a very troubled period and require guidance in order to strengthen my Imaan.

I am 26 years and born into a muslim family. I was taught the basics of Islam from a young age but was never given in an depth understanding and education. I feel that I wasn't given a strong enough education in the devine message of the Quran, the life of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), and some laws and rules of Allah swt. Growing up i started going to the mosque when i was 14-15 years old and performed my Salahs.At that time i was also involved with the troublesome boys from my part of town but didn't get too involved with them and thier vices.At this age i was still a confused kid and wasn't aware of the meaning of the message of the Quran but still performed my prayer.My father would offer me support and he had good knowledge and strong Imaan. However, at that time he was very ill and was suffering from cancer.Unfortunately the cancer got the better of him and i had the duty of burying him with the rest of my family.This was a particularly sad occasion for me but I had the support of everyone around me, which inculded my mum, brothers and the rest of my family.

So at the age of 16 without my father i kept going to the masjid to perfom my prayers but at the same time remained ignorant and didn't fully understand the faith.My mother who's been a beautiful person to me all her life has strong faith but as she's from Pakistan my understanding of Islam through her eyes was very weak. I completed my GCSE's and went to college. That was the beginning of my problems. I totally dropped my prayers and got involved with the wrong crowd although i stayed away from thier vices. I somehow managed to get through college and go on to university but i went through long periods of depression and complete isolation from everyone including my family.I would be absent from college for weeks and months some times all because of my sadness in life.

Once i had started university i began mixing with the wrong crowd from my local area and wanted to join them in thier bad habits. I thought to myself that "I've known these people from childhood and the acts that their doing I want to do them as well". By this stage I had lost everything concerning Islam. Astagfirullah,I had little fear of Allah (swt). I know this for a fact because before performing all the haram acts i never thought of the consequences. My only interest was to satisfy my desires and carry out these haram acts. I carried on performing these acts for a duration of 5 years and only stopped 2 months ago.

2 months ago i went out to satisfy my desires. I did.I came home and felt something that I've never felt before. Shame,disgust,hatred of myself and fear.In fact, as I write this , i still have the same feelings.I immediatley performed my ghusl and prayed my Salah.I continued performing my Salah that week but stayed isolated from everyone until eventually i couldn't bear it anymore. I decided to contact a friend of mine and asked him for advice. How can I change my ways?How can I seek forgiveness from Allah?How can i get away from that lifestyle and away from feeding my desires?He spoke to me for a while and he's advice was to seek repentance and observe my Salah.Alhamdullilah I've been praying my Salah since and I feel a great deal of satisfaction when i'm performing it.However, once i come out of it I feel absolutely deflated and depressed. I feel like theres no way out at times and physically sick.I'm looking for that inner satisfaction and peace. I pray to Allah that my repentance gets accepted.

At times when I perfom my Salah, I can't focus because theres things on my mind. I hear whispers sometimes whilst I'm trying to sleep that I'm losing and that this road that I've taken is not going to get me anywhere.This makes me disturbed even more.I want to find that satisfaction in my life through Allah (swt) but these feelings keep stopping me. At times it stops me from moving forward. If i try to read the Quran or other Islamic books I cant focus.I have my ups and downs.Certain times my Imaan would be high and I would feel happy and at other times I would feel low when i get these whispers and flashbacks of what I was up to when sinning.

I need help regarding Imaan. How i can move forward with Islam and put the past behind me. How I can succeed through Islam and faith in Allah SWT. If you could please pass on any sort of help you can in my direction I would be very much grateful.

I appreciate any sort of help you can offer me.

JazakAllah Khairun

Walaykum Assalaam

[abdelsalam]

Salam,

I can relate to what you are going through - though I don't have the same story.

I'm a revert who came in Islam after a lifetime of searching for truth. Allah (SWT) eventually brought me into a mosque and the rest, as they say, was history.

But my life became very complicated when my wife asked for a divorce (unrelated to my conversion). I've been unemployed for two years.

I too began become unable to focus during salat. What had been salvation was becoming increasingly difficult to complete. And then I began to take care of our child full time. I've not prayed daily in two months. It's taken it's toll on my spiritually, mentally and physically.

I felt like my Salat was wasted before because I could not concentrate on it. Then I could barely get through it.

Then I stopped because of my child care obligations. This wouldn't ordinarily be an issue (or an excuse) but even prior to my conversion my wife and I (she is Catholic and I was Jewish) agreed to not indoctrinate our child and let her choose which religion she prefers when she is ready. While we try to work out our marriage issues, I'm trying to keep the peace.

All I can say is that the best moments I've had over the past two months (that didn't involve my time with my child) are the few that I could actually concentrate and pray, or hear adhan.

As a matter of fact - the call to prayer is the one thing that snaps me back from the brink of anything. I keep it on my laptop and on my iPod. I keep it in my car. Whenever I need to feel better I play it. And it is how I know that starting next week when our child starts school I will be able to go back into the mosque again, hear the adhan, and inshallah make my fresh start.

I hope that helps.