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AnonymousPoster
02-19-2010, 06:26 PM
:sl:
Im asking some advice for a friend who is marrying a man that she was arranged with years ago. His family is muslim and one of his sisters is covered so they are not completely in the dark but he isnt very pious as in he doesnt pray 5 times a day. However, her marriage to him is inevitable (two weeks away). What can she do to make it better? Is there ways for her to encourage him to be more religious without seeming bossy or rude?
Please any advice would be welcomed but please no advice on her leaving him because for sure there is no chance of her being able to break it off for many reasons I wont name.
Also, she would like to know if her husband not being pious enough is going to hurt her in the eyes of God even if she herself is pious.
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heavenlyspot
02-20-2010, 04:26 AM
She has the right to refuse the marriage if she intends to marry a religious man... brothers can as well if they are in the same situation. She has the right to think of her future....

I only say this because it's more difficult to become religious if one does not have practice/experience with being religious. Of course there are converts and reverts.... But this happens only when the individual really wants to become a better person. What if her fiance does not want to change?

May Allah help her situation... InshAllah
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AnonymousPoster
02-20-2010, 04:36 AM
thanks but she cant get out of it, 100% for sure she cannot, the outcome could very well be loss of life

please just advice on ways in which she can encourage him to be more pious
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transition?
02-20-2010, 04:52 AM
Is he good-natured?
Do you think he has some interest in Islam then surely his wife can influence him to be better, since she has such an interest in Islam.

I have seen many marriages where the wife and husband work together after marriage and both of them come out stronger in faith :].
Let me see if I can find specific ahadith on how treat/encourage a spouse:
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heavenlyspot
02-20-2010, 05:55 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
100% for sure she cannot, the outcome could very well be loss of life
Salaam Alaikum sister/brother

Forgive me for sounding so straightforward sister/brother, but are you saying that she will be killed if she doesn't marry this person?
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heavenlyspot
02-20-2010, 05:59 AM
I guess in this case may Allah help them both. *I'm just realizing that this situation can definitely occur in countries where tradition overtakes the importance of true religion. May Allah guide her fiance....

I became religious by watching many lectures, some scholars are very talented MashAllah in speaking the true word of Allah. Perhaps this will help her fiance?
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Sampharo
02-20-2010, 10:43 AM
thanks but she cant get out of it, 100% for sure she cannot, the outcome could very well be loss of life
What is this loss of life stuff?

No need to exaggerate brother/sister just to get an angle. Are you saying your friend is held at gunpoint or knifepoint and told to say yes or die? Has she been theratened by her own kin that if she refuses the marriage they will kill her?

In the middle of such a situation don't you think it is deliriously irrelevent to talk about how to improve a person's piousness, when the woman is according to you held hostage and threatened with death.

1- Islamically speaking the marriage is void if she doesn't willingly accept it.

2- Islamically speaking the marriage is void if one is not praying obligatory prayers since he is not a muslim and is not a valid husband (the salaf regarded no neglect any obligation to be kufr and apostasy except for the five prayers. The prophet s.a.a.w. said: "The difference between a believer and a kafir is the salat." Read the ruling on marriage when one of the couple is not praying: http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/10077 )


3- Islamically speaking, forcing a woman into a marriage and threatening her life is a barbaric act that is obviously impermissible and requires intervention, either from family members or community leaders.

So I implore you to either be impartial and tell us if this "loss of life" thing was just figurative speech of "all craziness will break loose" rather than really loss of life, or to intervene or call someone to intervene before this crime is commited.
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heavenlyspot
02-20-2010, 12:07 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sampharo
What is this loss of life stuff?

No need to exaggerate brother/sister just to get an angle. Are you saying your friend is held at gunpoint or knifepoint and told to say yes or die? Has she been theratened by her own kin that if she refuses the marriage they will kill her?

In the middle of such a situation don't you think it is deliriously irrelevent to talk about how to improve a person's piousness, when the woman is according to you held hostage and threatened with death.

1- Islamically speaking the marriage is void if she doesn't willingly accept it.

2- Islamically speaking the marriage is void if one is not praying obligatory prayers since he is not a muslim and is not a valid husband (the salaf regarded no neglect any obligation to be kufr and apostasy except for the five prayers. The prophet s.a.a.w. said: "The difference between a believer and a kafir is the salat." Read the ruling on marriage when one of the couple is not praying: http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/10077 )


3- Islamically speaking, forcing a woman into a marriage and threatening her life is a barbaric act that is obviously impermissible and requires intervention, either from family members or community leaders.

So I implore you to either be impartial and tell us if this "loss of life" thing was just figurative speech of "all craziness will break loose" rather than really loss of life, or to intervene or call someone to intervene before this crime is commited.
Very true indeed, I just didn't know how to say it without sounding insensitive! I wish the Anonymous user would have been more specific with the question!
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AnonymousPoster
02-20-2010, 02:41 PM
like i said i only want advice on how she can influence her husband to be more pious. you dont need to know personal details about their lives. she isnt being held at gunpoint, she agreed to the marriage herself but now she has become more religious. cultural issues prevent her from ending it because of what could very well happen. thats all i say on that issue!

now please, ONLY ADVICE ON HOW to guide him to be more pious. he is already muslims and admires the religion...i must say i feel this wasnt the right place to come ask people ask too many questions and ont give answers
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AlbanianMuslim
02-20-2010, 02:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by heavenlyspot
I wish the Anonymous user would have been more specific with the question!
it seems she is already pretty specific.
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 02:46 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:
Im asking some advice for a friend who is marrying a man that she was arranged with years ago. His family is muslim and one of his sisters is covered so they are not completely in the dark but he isnt very pious as in he doesnt pray 5 times a day. However, her marriage to him is inevitable (two weeks away). What can she do to make it better? Is there ways for her to encourage him to be more religious without seeming bossy or rude?
Please any advice would be welcomed but please no advice on her leaving him because for sure there is no chance of her being able to break it off for many reasons I wont name.
Also, she would like to know if her husband not being pious enough is going to hurt her in the eyes of God even if she herself is pious.
personally, the fact that she seems to even ponder over marrying a scum who doesn't even pray 5 times a day speaks volume of her "piety". So i see no problem in her marrying him..May Allah guide them, and may Allah guide me...
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ژاله
02-20-2010, 03:16 PM
^i dont think you should be too judgemental.
Hidayat is from Allah Ta'ala. and people can change you know. non practising can become very practising and practising can stop. tell your friend not to worry and give dawah to her husband. may be she can read to him some good religious books, and set an example herself first, like praying five times a day, fasting etc and keep giving dawah in a cool manner. and most importantly, keep praying to Allah Ta'ala that he makes her successful in this.
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 03:20 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Malaak
^i dont think you should be too judgemental.
Hidayat is from Allah Ta'ala. and people can change you know. non practising can become very practising and practising can stop. tell your friend not to worry and give dawah to her husband. may be she can read to him some good religious books, and set an example herself first, like praying five times a day, fasting etc and keep giving dawah in a cool manner. and most importantly, keep praying to Allah Ta'ala that he makes her successful in this.
if ur a pious person u look for someone pious..end of story...nothing to judge there isn't it?
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 03:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by heavenlyspot
Very true indeed, I just didn't know how to say it without sounding insensitive! I wish the Anonymous user would have been more specific with the question!
i think she is specific enough...btw sister, ur nick is very suggestive and vulgur...please ask an ops to change it...
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ژاله
02-20-2010, 03:40 PM
if ur a pious person u look for someone pious..end of story...nothing to judge there isn't it?
it might not be as simple a matter as you seem to think..culture might have a very strong influence and there might be a thousand constraints and a lot of things specific to the situation that we dont know of. and only Allah Ta'aala knows how much piety a person has. it might be possible that her husband never got the appropriate dawah..and he just doesnt know the importance of salah, a lot of things.
plus, as the sister said, her friends marriage is inevitable. so i think its better if we try to help her by finding feasible solutions, which i am sure exist, as opposed to rigid opinions and judgements which are of no help.
anyway, i dont want to start an off-topic debate here. so my last on this. sorry if i sounded rude.
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cat eyes
02-20-2010, 04:20 PM
:sl: i don't want to sound judgmental here or anything.. Allah can give guidance to anybody however it is extremely tiring for a woman to be constantly given dawah to her husband all the time and what about when she has kids with him do you think she would even have time to take care of her husbands islamic obligations also? you might has well face the truth that this is the main cause why marriages end in divorce in the first place.

what is the matter with people putting there deen first? every muslim man or muslim woman want to feel that religious serenity in a marriage. you know you can give has much dawah but people don't want to be giving dawah to somebody all of there lives if they could not care less about helping themselves then how can Allah help them? thats why woman and man choose muslims who are already on the same practicing level as them because they want a happy life worshiping Allah swt together

You know the reason why people revert to islam or muslims getting closer to there deen is because they are tired of kufir life and they want to play no part in it. it angers them and makes them sick.. you can not bliame anybody here for the advice members are given because what everybody is saying is 100percent correct.. if this woman dose not want to marry this man then speak out against this cultural evil thats poisoning our ummah and don't sit back and watch your brother or sister getting oppressed and not given her full islamic rights
:wa:
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KittenLover
02-20-2010, 04:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
:sl: i don't want to sound judgmental here or anything.. Allah can give guidance to anybody however it is extremely tiring for a woman to be constantly given dawah to her husband all the time and what about when she has kids with him do you think she would even have time to take care of her husbands islamic obligations also? you might has well face the truth that this is the main cause why marriages end in divorce in the first place.

what is the matter with people putting there deen first? every muslim man or muslim woman want to feel that religious serenity in a marriage. you know you can give has much dawah but people don't want to be giving dawah to somebody all of there lives if they could not care less about helping themselves then how can Allah help them? thats why woman and man choose muslims who are already on the same practicing level as them because they want a happy life worshiping Allah swt together

You know the reason why people revert to islam or muslims getting closer to there deen is because they are tired of kufir life and they want to play no part in it. it angers them and makes them sick.. you can not bliame anybody here for the advice members are given because what everybody is saying is 100percent correct.. if this woman dose not want to marry this man then speak out against this cultural evil thats poisoning our ummah and don't sit back and watch your brother or sister getting oppressed and not given her full islamic rights
:wa:
So true, being a "praticing Muslim" isn't a choice, every Muslim should be praticing, if a Muslim isn't praticing his religion does that even make him a Muslim? I don't know, but I can't understand how someone can be classed as a Muslim when he doesn't even fulfill the basic obligations.

I don't believe in such a thing as a "non praticing Muslim" to me they are people who just have Muslim names and say on their tongues that which isn't in their heart.

either your a Muslim and you act like 1 by praticing the religion or your not a Muslim it's simple as that for me. I see people doing all kinds of major sins like abandoning salah drinking alcohol and boasting about it then they call themselves muslims and they've never prayed a salah in their life or abstained from haraam.

we have to many "by name" muslims.

but then you have those who are trying to be better Muslim's and are struggling and striving and not quite there, they just need a little direction and help to get there.
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transition?
02-20-2010, 04:55 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
like i said i only want advice on how she can influence her husband to be more pious. you dont need to know personal details about their lives. she isnt being held at gunpoint, she agreed to the marriage herself but now she has become more religious. cultural issues prevent her from ending it because of what could very well happen. thats all i say on that issue!

now please, ONLY ADVICE ON HOW to guide him to be more pious. he is already muslims and admires the religion...i must say i feel this wasnt the right place to come ask people ask too many questions and ont give answers
:sl:

Your brothers and sisters are only asking for details because you mentioned "she had no choice." They only want to emphasis a woman's rights because they are concerned with the sister you are talking about. :embarrass Don't be harsh with us as to take our advice the wrong way. We have good intentions.
We were worried and we say this out of concern for our fellow sister in Islam because Allah (swt) Guides humans, so if the husband was such a person that despised Islam or did not take any heed, then there the bigger possibility she could not influence him at all.

The best way to approach dawah is on a personal basis. It differs with every person. His wife will know him best. She should talk about Islam, and its greatness. And slowly approach him in an encouraging if he'd like to start doing acts. His wife can invite him to pray with her. They can do it together.:statisfie Slowly but surely she can invite him and they can support each other by making sure they complete their fard acts.
Be she should also be aware of the pace of which her husband accepts Islam is solely up to his own will. Be easy sometimes, if he is struggling and always encourage and invite him. The best way might be inviting him to join her in doing righteous deeds. One day, ask him to fast with her on a Sunnah day. Help him wake up for fajr. Always always mention the benefits of doing such deeds :). Give him books to read. Find him good company that could influence him well.
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transition?
02-20-2010, 04:58 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
:sl: i don't want to sound judgmental here or anything.. Allah can give guidance to anybody however it is extremely tiring for a woman to be constantly given dawah to her husband all the time and what about when she has kids with him do you think she would even have time to take care of her husbands islamic obligations also? you might has well face the truth that this is the main cause why marriages end in divorce in the first place.

what is the matter with people putting there deen first? every muslim man or muslim woman want to feel that religious serenity in a marriage. you know you can give has much dawah but people don't want to be giving dawah to somebody all of there lives if they could not care less about helping themselves then how can Allah help them? thats why woman and man choose muslims who are already on the same practicing level as them because they want a happy life worshiping Allah swt together

You know the reason why people revert to islam or muslims getting closer to there deen is because they are tired of kufir life and they want to play no part in it. it angers them and makes them sick.. you can not bliame anybody here for the advice members are given because what everybody is saying is 100percent correct.. if this woman dose not want to marry this man then speak out against this cultural evil thats poisoning our ummah and don't sit back and watch your brother or sister getting oppressed and not given her full islamic rights
:wa:
:sl:

I disagree. She does not have to be constantly giving him dawah. That is impossible for anyone. If she is already doing the fardh acts, then why does she not invite him to do the same things she does? she could also give him books to read. Find him good company that could influence him well, too.
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Asiyah3
02-20-2010, 05:03 PM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:What can she do to make it better? Is there ways for her to encourage him to be more religious without seeming bossy or rude?
Tell your husband about the importance of prayer.
Please read this: http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/12305/

Always encourage and remind him of the times of the prayers and pray by his side. At least during the beginning of the marriage, later he'll get used to it and so it becomes a habit inshaAllah.

Teach him "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the
prophet) in the morning and evening. For example:

- when he goes to bed : “Allaahumma bismika ahyaa wa amoot (O Allaah, in Your name I live and die).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 7394),
- When the Prophet SAAS woke up from sleep he would say: “Al-hamdu Lillaah alladhi ahyaana ba’d ma amaatana wa ilayhi al-nushoor (Praise be to Allaah Who has brought us back to life after causing us to die, and unto Him is the resurrection).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6312).
-saying 100 times a day" SubhaaAllaahi wa bihamdihi"

Also I highly recommend lectures.
Pray to Allah to guide him to the straight path.

Also, she would like to know if her husband not being pious enough is going to hurt her in the eyes of God even if she herself is pious.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “No person earns any (sin) except against himself (only), and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another” [al-An’aam 6:164].

May Allah guide him to the Straight path. Ameen.
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cat eyes
02-20-2010, 05:05 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
:sl:

I disagree. She does not have to be constantly giving him dawah. That is impossible for anyone. If she is already doing the fardh acts, then why does she not invite him to do the same things she does? she could also give him books to read. Find him good company that could influence him well, too.
sister it is not that easy as you would like to think. im not saying anymore on the matter but all i will say is take it from a girl who knows....
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 05:08 PM
i just can't see why this "pious" woman can't marry someone who is pious...i just can't see why...there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for her to be even in a situation where she has to give dawah to a scumbag to pray 5 times a day...
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transition?
02-20-2010, 05:11 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
sister it is not that easy as you would like to think. im not saying anymore on the matter but all i will say is take it from a girl who knows....
Of course, it is not easy. This we all know from experience. But Dawah takes time but how can her husband live up to his duty as a righteous husband if he does not have knowledge? Dawah is our obligation. No it is not easy, but the sister says he really admires Islam, already.
Has she any other choice? Everything we do in Islam is a means to attain Jannah and seek Allah's Pleasure, even marriage. If there are going to be together in a lifetime, she has to do as much as she can to help her husband into Jannah. That is one of the purposes for marriage, seeking companionship for the sake of Allah (swt).
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KittenLover
02-20-2010, 05:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
:sl:

I disagree. She does not have to be constantly giving him dawah. That is impossible for anyone. If she is already doing the fardh acts, then why does she not invite him to do the same things she does? she could also give him books to read. Find him good company that could influence him well, too.
but your basing that upon the assumption he actually has a desire in his heart to follow Islam and be a better Muslim, what if it is the complete opposite and he loves his life the way it is and would hate someone giving him a book to read and inviting him to pratice Islam to the point he starts shouting at his wife to stop inviting him to prayer and trying to make him change.

circumstances like that do exist, the opposite can also be true though, he could benefit from the dawah and come closer to Islam through his wife.

at the end of the day it all depends on the person you're giving dawah to and the condition of their emaan/heart.
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 05:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
Of course, it is not easy. This we all know from experience. But Dawah takes time but how can her husband live up to his duty as a righteous husband if he does not have knowledge? Dawah is our obligation. No it is not easy, but the sister says he really admires Islam, already.
Has she any other choice? Everything we do in Islam is a means to attain Jannah and seek Allah's Pleasure, even marriage. If there are going to be together in a lifetime, she has to do as much as she can to help her husband into Jannah. That is one of the purposes for marriage, seeking companionship for the sake of Allah (swt).
as a lady, ur husband should be a foundation for UR dawah...not the other way round...thats y in islam, men are allowed to marry christians..not vice versa...women are weak...thats y they need a man with strong faith...otherwise, we will have a lot of these sorta "pious" women walking around...
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 05:15 PM
u can marry for wealth, nobility, beauty or religion..and marry someone for that individual's religion and may ur hands be rubbed with dust...
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transition?
02-20-2010, 05:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by KittenLover
but your basing that upon the assumption he actually has a desire in his heart to follow Islam and be a better Muslim, what if it is the complete opposite and he loves his life the way it is and would hate someone giving him a book to read and inviting him to pratice Islam to the point he starts shouting at his wife to stop inviting him to prayer and trying to make him change.

circumstances like that do exist, the opposite can also be true though, he could benefit from the dawah and come closer to Islam through his wife.

at the end of the day it all depends on the person you're giving dawah to and the condition of their emaan/heart.
:sl:

She clarified. He was already pious and Muslim.
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
like i said i only want advice on how she can influence her husband to be more pious. you dont need to know personal details about their lives. she isnt being held at gunpoint, she agreed to the marriage herself but now she has become more religious. cultural issues prevent her from ending it because of what could very well happen. thats all i say on that issue!

now please, ONLY ADVICE ON HOW to guide him to be more pious. he is already muslims and admires the religion...i must say i feel this wasnt the right place to come ask people ask too many questions and ont give answers
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cat eyes
02-20-2010, 05:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
Of course, it is not easy. This we all know from experience. But Dawah takes time but how can her husband live up to his duty as a righteous husband if he does not have knowledge? Dawah is our obligation. No it is not easy, but the sister says he really admires Islam, already.
Has she any other choice? Everything we do in Islam is a means to attain Jannah and seek Allah's Pleasure, even marriage. If there are going to be together in a lifetime, she has to do as much as she can to help her husband into Jannah. That is one of the purposes for marriage, seeking companionship for the sake of Allah (swt).
raising kids...teaching them the basic's of islam also takes time.. she will have to let her husband do what he wants then because by that time she will have to put all her time and energy in to them becoming muslims. i dont understand why put a woman through this emotional burden really. kids need two practicing parents not just one.. they NEED TWO..

at the end of the day it all comes down to influence.. kids are like sponges and they will soak up every bit of thing which they see and it will be for all there lives. you are only thinking about now sister but you are not thinking about the future and as i said above this is why parents end up getting divorced and why put a kid through that also.
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KittenLover
02-20-2010, 05:23 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
Of course, it is not easy. This we all know from experience. But Dawah takes time but how can her husband live up to his duty as a righteous husband if he does not have knowledge? Dawah is our obligation. No it is not easy, but the sister says he really admires Islam, already.
Has she any other choice? Everything we do in Islam is a means to attain Jannah and seek Allah's Pleasure, even marriage. If there are going to be together in a lifetime, she has to do as much as she can to help her husband into Jannah. That is one of the purposes for marriage, seeking companionship for the sake of Allah (swt).
But what if you give him the knowledge and he doesn't really care or have any desire change. as you say in this situation the husband admires Islam so maybe dawah would make him change Allah knows best, but we as individuals can not make anyone change, it is Allah who possesses the hearts we simply give the message.

to apply your logic "everything we do in Islam is a means to attain jannah and seek Allah's pleasure even marriage" then she should please Allah by marrying a righteous brother who is obediant to Allah and stays away from the major sins such as "not praticing/praying".

that would please Allah more then marrying a person who doesn't pratice the religion, some scholars would even say it is haraam for her to marry him due to the fact he doesn't pray.

I'm not sure if the person she's marrying or not prays but if he doesn't some scholars would say since he doesn't pray he's no longer a Muslim therefore it's haraam for her to marry him and if she's married to him and he doesn't pray she can withold her body from him because he's not praying.

it's sad that the sister has no other choice, culture like this is evil, to the thread op isn't there anyway you can get out of this forced marriage??

there must be a helpline you can call.
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transition?
02-20-2010, 05:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Qadir
as a lady, ur husband should be a foundation for UR dawah...not the other way round...thats y in islam, men are allowed to marry christians..not vice versa...women are weak...thats y they need a man with strong faith...otherwise, we will have a lot of these sorta "pious" women walking around...
:sl:

Actually there is no limit to the wife's knowledge in marriage for Islam. In Islam, the husband needs to have strong faith and lots of knowledge just as the wife needs strong faith in knowledge. Truth, the husband is figure of guidance and authority in the family, but that does not mean that women cannot help their husbands do what is best for their faith either. You cannot cap knowledge because the husband only knows so much. The thing is they both need to be strong and knowledgeable. As long as the husband can guide and comply with his duties, then he is fine. But if a wife would like a scholar of fiqh or usul al fiqh, there is nothing that stops her if she is completing her other duties.
The general trend is that the husband has more knowledge, and wife apples whatever knowledge is pertaining to her. Or in some cases, both are equals and complement each other's faith.

I have not seen any evidence to say that women have to be less knowledgeable than their husbands. That is only a preference by some men.
Surely, it is not a woman's fault if another man fails to seek knowledge and her commitment to Islam is greater.
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KittenLover
02-20-2010, 05:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
:sl:

She clarified. He was already pious and Muslim.
edit- I jus read her first post and he isn't praying, you do know this is 1 of the major sins in Islam? and how a person who doesn't pray can be deemed as pious is beyond me since the prayer is an integral part of 1s Islam.

as I mentioned earlier there's evidence to suggest that a person who abandons Salah has left Islam and many scholars hold this view that the 1 who does not pray or believe it is an obligation is no longer a Muslim.

because there's hadiths that state "The covenant between us and them is prayer, so if anyone abandons it he has become a disbeliever." (Agreed upon by Ahmad, Tirmidhee and Nasaa'ee to be authentic)

"What lies between a man and disbelief is the abandonment of prayer." ( Agreed upon by Muslim, Abu Dawood and Nasaa'ee as sahih authentic)
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 05:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
:sl:



I have not seen any evidence to say that women have to be less knowledgeable than their husbands. That is only a preference by some men.
Surely, it is not a woman's fault if another man fails to seek knowledge and her
commitment to Islam is greater.
ur trying to be sly there...there maybe no evidence to suggest that women have to be less knowledgeable than their husbands..anyway, from my knowledge, i have said what i have to say....
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Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 05:33 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by KittenLover
well in that case, if he is praying and doing the 5 pillars that is ok. I was under the misconeption he was a complete fasiq :hmm: then go for it and you can grow in deen together.
Im asking some advice for a friend who is marrying a man that she was arranged with years ago. His family is muslim and one of his sisters is covered so they are not completely in the dark but he isnt very pious as in he doesnt pray 5 times a day. However, her marriage to him is inevitable (two weeks away). What can she do to make it better? Is there ways for her to encourage him to be more religious without seeming bossy or rude?
Please any advice would be welcomed but please no advice on her leaving him because for sure there is no chance of her being able to break it off for many reasons I wont name.
Also, she would like to know if her husband not being pious enough is going to hurt her in the eyes of God even if she herself is pious.
Reply

transition?
02-20-2010, 05:34 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by KittenLover
But what if you give him the knowledge and he doesn't really care or have any desire change. as you say in this situation the husband admires Islam so maybe dawah would make him change Allah knows best, but we as individuals can not make anyone change, it is Allah who possesses the hearts we simply give the message.

to apply your logic "everything we do in Islam is a means to attain jannah and seek Allah's pleasure even marriage" then she should please Allah by marrying a righteous brother who is obediant to Allah and stays away from the major sins such as "not praticing/praying".

that would please Allah more then marrying a person who doesn't pratice the religion, some scholars would even say it is haraam for her to marry him due to the fact he doesn't pray.

I'm not sure if the person she's marrying or not prays but if he doesn't some scholars would say since he doesn't pray he's no longer a Muslim therefore it's haraam for her to marry him and if she's married to him and he doesn't pray she can withold her body from him because he's not praying.

it's sad that the sister has no other choice, culture like this is evil, to the thread op isn't there anyway you can get out of this forced marriage??

there must be a helpline you can call.

Yeah you are right. You cannot marry someone who does not pray.
I wonder if there is anyway to delay this marriage until she can convince him and he has changed but at least offering his prayers. Or at least show that he is trying. Tbh, my honest guess is that most Muslims today don't offer all their prayers, but then again, they attempt at teh very least.

There are other scholars who say that the person is not a kaffir, until he stops praying and AFTER he is approached, continues to be disobedient, not attempting again.
Reply

KittenLover
02-20-2010, 05:40 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by transition?
Yeah you are right. You cannot marry someone who does not pray.
I wonder if there is anyway to delay this marriage until she can convince him and he has changed but at least offering his prayers. Or at least show that he is trying. Tbh, my honest guess is that most Muslims today don't offer all their prayers, but then again, they attempt at teh very least.

There are other scholars who say that the person is not a kaffir, until he stops praying and AFTER he is approached, continues to be disobedient, not attempting again.
true, sister try to get him to pray before you marry him, some scholars hold the opinion that if he abandons the salah entirely including jummah and eid then this ruling applys to him.

but if he reads the occasional salah like Jummah then he is still in Islam. others apply it to every prayer. as you mentioned much of the ummah does not pray except on fridays and in ramadhan imsad
Reply

transition?
02-20-2010, 05:46 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Qadir
ur trying to be sly there...there maybe no evidence to suggest that women have to be less knowledgeable than their husbands..anyway, from my knowledge, i have said what i have to say....i just got emotional as i am seeing too many "muslim" women falling for guys who are not religious at all...
:sl:
Of course, akhi.
But you made it sound that the wife cannot be more knowledgeable than the husband. I am saying, she can, but both need to have a certain level of Islam foundations to run a succesful family.

I was just pointing out there is difference between marrying a religious person who may know less than you, especially if you are a female scholar, than someone who is irreligious or lacks the necessary Islamic foundation to barely get themselves to do the right, yet guide their wife or children in Islamic duties.
Reply

transition?
02-20-2010, 05:51 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by KittenLover
true, sister try to get him to pray before you marry him, some scholars hold the opinion that if he abandons the salah entirely including jummah and eid then this ruling applys to him.

but if he reads the occasional salah like Jummah then he is still in Islam. others apply it to every prayer. as you mentioned much of the ummah does not pray except on fridays and in ramadhan imsad
I wish she would tell us more... Does he not pray because he does not realize its importance (i.e. lack of knowledge?)
If he was raised in a Muslim family, maybe his family was not that religious and did not teach him the importance of Salah.
He seems like he has a lot of potential and somewhat aware of Islam but he really needs more dawah and maybe a push. Culture can be an evil... in such cases.

THREAD CREATOR/SISTER- Is there any possibility you can convince this man to start praying a little even before the nikah/wedding?


MAY ALLAH GUIDE HIM AND GIVE HIM THE STRENGTH TO FOLLOW HIS FAITH BEFORE HIS MARRIAGE OR WORSE, DEATH!
Reply

KittenLover
02-20-2010, 05:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Qadir
ur trying to be sly there...there maybe no evidence to suggest that women have to be less knowledgeable than their husbands..anyway, from my knowledge, i have said what i have to say....i just got emotional as i am seeing too many "muslim" women falling for guys who are not religious at all...
brother the outcome of those marriages is not a happy one, I have an aunty who did that and now she is regretting it cos her children have taken the father as a role model and the father never prays and is very "chilled out" when it comes to Islam.

and when she tells them to pray they say "dad doesn't so why do we have to" the children are confused. "dad listens to music so why can't we".

it affects the children.
Reply

Abdul Qadir
02-20-2010, 07:15 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by KittenLover
brother the outcome of those marriages is not a happy one, I have an aunty who did that and now she is regretting it cos her children have taken the father as a role model and the father never prays and is very "chilled out" when it comes to Islam.

and when she tells them to pray they say "dad doesn't so why do we have to" the children are confused. "dad listens to music so why can't we".

it affects the children.
we dun have to worry about the consequences too much...the equation is simple...i will repeat...if ur pious, u marry a pious partner...coz pious ppl marry for the sake of The Most Gracious....and would you marry someone who does not pray for the sake of Allah? if u do, that renders ur status as a "pious" person as void...we dun have to explain and reason everything...or keep giving examples(even though we have to for some people)...
Reply

Sampharo
02-20-2010, 08:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
like i said i only want advice on how she can influence her husband to be more pious. you dont need to know personal details about their lives. she isnt being held at gunpoint, she agreed to the marriage herself but now she has become more religious. cultural issues prevent her from ending it because of what could very well happen. thats all i say on that issue!

now please, ONLY ADVICE ON HOW to guide him to be more pious. he is already muslims and admires the religion...i must say i feel this wasnt the right place to come ask people ask too many questions and ont give answers
Very well, very well, just take it easy with the frustration sister.

First remind her that if he doesn't start praying, the marriage is void and she is performing daily zina with a kafir. Just remind her of that.

Second, she can actually use that as an angle: that their marriage is not correct until he at least start the five prayers, so he can make that her marriage gift.

The sunnah showed us that a companion was brought to Islam that way, when Abu Talha liked Umm Sulaim Arrumaisa', a muslim woman, and asked her to marry him, she told him her dowry is for him to become muslim, which he obliged. That man went on to be a close companion of the prophet -s.a.a.w.-.

Also people like to follow example. If he sees her pious and enjoying her prayer and quran, he will be inquisitive. If she brings stuff over to him and then "ask" him about its meaning or its ruling, making him feel sought for his exquisite advice and knowledge (many men love that and women can really play them :)), or she can ask him to check with the imam of the masjid (making him GO to the masjid instead of praying at home), that can lead to useful things.

Hope that helps.
Reply

AnonymousPoster
02-20-2010, 11:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Qadir
if ur a pious person u look for someone pious..end of story...nothing to judge there isn't it?
OP stated she became engaged to the man before she became a practicing muslim
Reply

AlbanianMuslim
02-20-2010, 11:23 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by _muslim_
:sl:

Tell your husband about the importance of prayer.
Please read this: http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/12305/

Always encourage and remind him of the times of the prayers and pray by his side. At least during the beginning of the marriage, later he'll get used to it and so it becomes a habit inshaAllah.

Teach him "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the
prophet) in the morning and evening. For example:

- when he goes to bed : “Allaahumma bismika ahyaa wa amoot (O Allaah, in Your name I live and die).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 7394),
- When the Prophet SAAS woke up from sleep he would say: “Al-hamdu Lillaah alladhi ahyaana ba’d ma amaatana wa ilayhi al-nushoor (Praise be to Allaah Who has brought us back to life after causing us to die, and unto Him is the resurrection).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6312).
-saying 100 times a day" SubhaaAllaahi wa bihamdihi"

Also I highly recommend lectures.
Pray to Allah to guide him to the straight path.


Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “No person earns any (sin) except against himself (only), and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another” [al-An’aam 6:164].

May Allah guide him to the Straight path. Ameen.
After this beautiful response and seemingly the only one that actually answers the question without judging or insulting, I suggest closing the thread before people start tearing the OP or anyone else to bits.

This is one of those instances when some posters become overly judgmental and frankly, nosy. She asked a simple question: What can her friend do to help her husband to be more pious because she recently became pious. She cannot get out it, so leave it at that! You people talk as though a woman can just pick up and leave her entire life easy like 1-2-3. Alhamdullah my parents are pious, but if they werent and they told me that if I dont marry who they tell me, I would be in a very critical and terrifying position. Im not saying the girl in this case is in the type of situation, but open your eyes! Not everyone understands religion or deen. Not everyone understands the rules and even those who do dont play by them.

RELAX when you answer sensitive questions like this, if you cant respond in a kind hearted respectful way, than dont respond at all! Many in here make it difficult for people to ask for advice because of the responses they will get from people who act as though they can judge a person. Avavavvvv....making my head hurt.
Reply

AlbanianMuslim
02-20-2010, 11:33 PM
I have to laugh at something though, the way some people approach these threads reminds me of when I do student teaching. No matter how many times you tell the student to read the instructions and explanations carefully before answering the question they dont and answer the question completely incorrectly! Ha...
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
02-21-2010, 02:15 AM
:sl:
if you can refuse, then refuse. if you cant, pray, pray and pray through your teeth that something occurs to prevent this horrible predicament.
Reply

heavenlyspot
02-21-2010, 08:19 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Qadir
i think she is specific enough...btw sister, ur nick is very suggestive and vulgur...please ask an ops to change it...
SubhanAllah... how is it suggestive & vulgar?? I've never gotten that comment on my username until now.
Reply

heavenlyspot
02-21-2010, 08:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
like i said i only want advice on how she can influence her husband to be more pious. you dont need to know personal details about their lives. she isnt being held at gunpoint, she agreed to the marriage herself but now she has become more religious. cultural issues prevent her from ending it because of what could very well happen. thats all i say on that issue!

now please, ONLY ADVICE ON HOW to guide him to be more pious. he is already muslims and admires the religion...i must say i feel this wasnt the right place to come ask people ask too many questions and ont give answers
I was only asking to reduce sounding judgmental in her case, because I felt bad for her.

I didn't expect you to give more information on the matter. Don't worry, I have no intention of finding out who she is.
Reply

-Elle-
02-21-2010, 08:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:
Im asking some advice for a friend who is marrying a man that she was arranged with years ago. His family is muslim and one of his sisters is covered so they are not completely in the dark but he isnt very pious as in he doesnt pray 5 times a day. However, her marriage to him is inevitable (two weeks away). What can she do to make it better? Is there ways for her to encourage him to be more religious without seeming bossy or rude?
Please any advice would be welcomed but please no advice on her leaving him because for sure there is no chance of her being able to break it off for many reasons I wont name.
Also, she would like to know if her husband not being pious enough is going to hurt her in the eyes of God even if she herself is pious.
:wa:

Islam is following the 5 pillars, the teachings of our Rasoul(SAW) and The Qu'ran, of course. It is also "Akhlaaq" (good morals, decency, fairness, good heart and respectable interactions with others.

A man can pray 5 times and day yet lie, cheat, backbite, etc. We are in NO position to judge him, nor judge a man who is opposite to him (i.e. misses prayers, yet respects his parents, is fair and just, etc). Surely the five pillars come first, but how can they be accepted without good Akhlaaq?

I understand your situation very well, and my advice to your friend would be for her to make it clear to her future husband that Islam is the foundation of her life.

She should ask him what interests him in Islam the most, and start with that; she should not only tell him the rulings, but why the rulings are there, and tell him of the numerous benefits of salah, zakaat,etc... whether the benefits be in this life or the next.

As mentioned previously, lectures, videos, conferences, books, halaqaat (segregated gatherings where muslims talk about Islam and read Qu'ran) can all be very helpful. Good company and friends make a world of difference; therefore, if he has religious friends who attend these kinds of event, encourage him to go with them. If he doesn't, then surely she has a brother, a cousin or a friend's brother whom he could get acquainted with and go to the halaqa with.

I will leave you with a small reminder, that when a Muslim teaches another a good deed, (example, teaching him an ayah) he will get hassanats every time this person reads that ayah. Even if the teacher dies, and the person who has been thought recites the ayah, the teacher will continue to get hassanats.

It is one of the 3 ways to keep getting hassanats after you die. So if her future husband learns countless positive actions from her, she will insh'Allah get a numerous amount of hassanats.

As for the source, this is widely known and I have heard is at halaqaat, I won't go in depth since this thread is for advice and not religious teachings. if anyone has the exact source, feel free to share. Jazak'Allah kheir.


Best of Luck,

:sl:
Reply

AlbanianMuslim
02-21-2010, 10:49 PM
Beautiful response houda.
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