Family gatherings

[AlbanianMuslim]

I have a question for some of the wiser members :statisfie

How should a person deal with less pious and sometimes quite disrespectful members of their family at family gatherings? I dont want to get into big details so please dont ask me. But I am sure I am not the only one who has to deal with people who act difficult towards you because you are pious.

[Nimboo]

I'm Blunt, I tell people to their face if they show disrespect, no point beating round the bush, especially if they do it in your house.

With regards to dealing with "less pious" people :exhausted that's tough. As the old saying goes "You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink".

[CosmicPathos]

hmm ... I change the direction of discussion to secular matters. I do not want to discuss religion in gatherings. The nature of the people today is that all of them are busy in dunya so talking about dunya gets them involved and you can have a rest of mind. And then you can peacefully wait for when they will leave your house.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Its not that we discuss religious matters its that they KNOW i am religious and they treat me like i have leprosy because of it.
How do I handle them being rude to my face, not verbally, but with actions.
They used to verbally until I developed a backbone and stuck up for myself, now they do things in front of me.

For ex. my two closest girl cousins whisper and giggle in each others ears, dance with each other, take pictures together.
They completely ignore me except for when they say hello or goodbye.

They drink and dress different and they go to casinos and clubs. I dont do any of that stuff so they act as though I shouldnt even be at the family gatherings. Its somewhat embarrassing to be the odd one out.

:(

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[CosmicPathos]

Its not that we discuss religious matters its that they KNOW i am religious and they treat me like i have leprosy because of it.
How do I handle them being rude to my face, not verbally, but with actions.
They used to verbally until I developed a backbone and stuck up for myself, now they do things in front of me.

For ex. my two closest girl cousins whisper and giggle in each others ears, dance with each other, take pictures together.
They completely ignore me except for when they say hello or goodbye.

They drink and dress different and they go to casinos and clubs. I dont do any of that stuff so they act as though I shouldnt even be at the family gatherings. Its somewhat embarrassing to be the odd one out.

:(

No one is forcing to enjoy with girl cousins. They dont feel sad for abandoning you, why do you feel sad if they have done so? The world and everything in it is worthless to cry and feel pain over it. Find other alternatives and enjoy what you feel God wants you to enjoy. Friends, cousins, relatives, happiness, joys, pains, these are all tidal flows of time. They started when you were born, will stop when you die. So why get depressed over them? A reminder to myself because I ignore my advice too sometime.

[AlbanianMuslim]

I know all that. I am not crying about it or asking how I should "enjoy" them, I could care less about being friends with girls like them, I am asking for advice on how to handle family situations where I have no choice but to be near them and deal with them. That is the question.

[syilla]

:salamext:

I just put my judgement aside...and try to give naseehah in the nicest way. If he/she sitll doesn't want to listen i tell myself maybe next time. and just be nice to them...because who knows one day he/she will be much better than us in the near future. huhu

[barney]

Mad Scientist is correct IMO.

My Mums a baptist, love her very much, but I cant talk religion with her. Politics either.

[CosmicPathos]

I know all that. I am not crying about it or asking how I should "enjoy" them, I could care less about being friends with girls like them, I am asking for advice on how to handle family situations where I have no choice but to be near them and deal with them. That is the question.

I personally do not see you can be in a situation where you have "no choice." I can always create a choice and choose not be near people I do not like even if it is at the expense of being called an "arrogant" or breaking ties of relationships even though Prophet has forbidden to do so. I am always open to the repentance of others and if they apologize I try to mend things then. But it might not apply to you as you are not me.

So sorry if I could not afford any more advice than that. Someone who is more similar to your ways of thinking might provide better advice.
:wa:

[barney]

Its not that we discuss religious matters its that they KNOW i am religious and they treat me like i have leprosy because of it.
How do I handle them being rude to my face, not verbally, but with actions.
They used to verbally until I developed a backbone and stuck up for myself, now they do things in front of me.

For ex. my two closest girl cousins whisper and giggle in each others ears, dance with each other, take pictures together.
They completely ignore me except for when they say hello or goodbye.

They drink and dress different and they go to casinos and clubs. I dont do any of that stuff so they act as though I shouldnt even be at the family gatherings. Its somewhat embarrassing to be the odd one out.

:(

Re reading your post, It would seem that the problem is a matter of prespective.

If your cousins are in your house, then its your rules.

Your presence however elsewhere does not and should not restrict them from dancing or taking photo's or clubbing or any other aspect of how they choose to live their lives. Its their lives , their rules. Some of the choices our loved ones make in life might upset us, but you cant force people to comply with your standards. There is no compulsion in religion after all.

If they are being outright rude to you for no reasons then the best thing to do is ignore em.

[AlbanianMuslim]

'Again, you are missing the point. We dont discuss each others lives or religion or politics. They are just plain rude to me! Some of the things they say and do in front of me make me so upset I barely make it out of there without bursting into tears. I dont handle them very well. I cant just "ignore" them because there is other family there and I represent my father wherever I go, I dont want to embarrass him.

Ill say the question one more time:

What do I do when family members are rude to me, the ISLAMIC thing to do

[CosmicPathos]

'Again, you are missing the point. We dont discuss each others lives or religion or politics. They are just plain rude to me! Some of the things they say and do in front of me make me so upset I barely make it out of there without bursting into tears. I dont handle them very well. I cant just "ignore" them because there is other family there and I represent my father wherever I go, I dont want to embarrass him.

Ill say the question one more time:

What do I do when family members are rude to me, the ISLAMIC thing to do

Islam tells you to be kind and patient with them. That's all I know what Islam says. I have not come across extensive step-by-step Islamic instructions in quran or seerah on how to deal with such rude relatives though. :hmm:

[AlbanianMuslim]

Thanks for trying...i guess ill just have to suck it up and pretend i am fine.
It just gets ridiculous sometimes. Even their mothers treat my mom badly. Women can be so catty. I remember one time I went to visit my uncle alone, and my uncles wife made fun of me saying "you should finish your food dont you know its HARAM to waste food, you shouldnt sit that way, dont you know its HARAM" emphasizing the haram.
Then her son made fun of how we hold up our hands during prayer and was saying gibberish as if he was praying. I almost burst into tears. I was 17 at the time and was so upset by it that I never go visit them alone anymore.

[CosmicPathos]

Thanks for trying...i guess ill just have to suck it up and pretend i am fine.
It just gets ridiculous sometimes. Even their mothers treat my mom badly. Women can be so catty. I remember one time I went to visit my uncle alone, and my uncles wife made fun of me saying "you should finish your food dont you know its HARAM to waste food, you shouldnt sit that way, dont you know its HARAM" emphasizing the haram.
Then her son made fun of how we hold up our hands during prayer and was saying gibberish as if he was praying. I almost burst into tears. I was 17 at the time and was so upset by it that I never go visit them alone anymore.

are they Muslims? I cannot imagine how ugly human mind can be. I know of some similar relatives too. But I think ugly experiences of life have taught them maturity and when I visited last time, they seemed very mature from what I know of them when I was 14 years old.

Kher.

[syilla]

Thanks for trying...i guess ill just have to suck it up and pretend i am fine.
It just gets ridiculous sometimes. Even their mothers treat my mom badly. Women can be so catty. I remember one time I went to visit my uncle alone, and my uncles wife made fun of me saying "you should finish your food dont you know its HARAM to waste food, you shouldnt sit that way, dont you know its HARAM" emphasizing the haram.
Then her son made fun of how we hold up our hands during prayer and was saying gibberish as if he was praying. I almost burst into tears. I was 17 at the time and was so upset by it that I never go visit them alone anymore.

Salams...

try to joke with them...when they are being rude (i mean in a nice way) because if you keep being defensive when they are doing it...usually you're making it worse.

Example...

Your cooking is soo badd...

your answer would be...

yeah i know, thats why i don't advise you to eat it... :D

[AlbanianMuslim]

haha good one... i will try that!

madscientist, they are "muslims" and I put that in quotes because they are as far as I know only muslim in name. they dont practice at all. in fact, one of them had her engagement part (which isnt even islamic) during Ramadan, not only that but she had alcohol served there!!!
my family was mortified, we left as soon as we could and were so upset by her doing that. her marriage didnt work out, and thats when the real trouble with her started. our whole lives she was always strange towards me, but after she got divorced she turned into an extremely difficult person.

the other girl is like her side kick, she goes where the wind blows, very gullible.

ugh oh well...i guess its a fact of life that relatives will be troublesome

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

'Again, you are missing the point. We dont discuss each others lives or religion or politics. They are just plain rude to me! Some of the things they say and do in front of me make me so upset I barely make it out of there without bursting into tears. I dont handle them very well. I cant just "ignore" them because there is other family there and I represent my father wherever I go, I dont want to embarrass him.

Ill say the question one more time:

What do I do when family members are rude to me, the ISLAMIC thing to do

i dont know what the Islamic way is, but cant you just ignore them? isn't it their problem that they have a problem with you, not yours? like sis syilla said, its just about being smart about it. know how to sharpen your tongue and use it :D

i would feel comfort and relaxed within myself if i got picked on for being religious (i dont think im religious, but that maybe the impression i may give off to people) for the reason being that i personally dont think im religious so for someone to at like that towards me, is actually a compliment. i guess to me it means that im doing something right.

also i would feel relaxed knowing that they are probably having a go at me because deep down they know im better then them. not that i have a high opinion of myself or anything, but obviously im some kind of threat to them, which is why they have the feel they need to degrade me and make feel belittled...again the problem is with them not you.

sometimes its just best not to act at all, because if you dont, it just makes the other person who is "bullying" you, look stupid. so they ruin their own reputation so there's no reason why you should do anything...

[AlbanianMuslim]

Thanks sis, that means a lot and helps.

[manaal]

Read the follwing article sis, Insha Allah, this will help you.

http://www.musalla.org/Articles/Seerah/seerah12.htm

Rasulullah (SAW) and the Muslims were persecuted and mocked at by the Quraish. Rasulullah (SAW)'s own uncle Abu Lahab was amongst these evil doers. He called Rasulullah (SAW) a liar, even though he was known as "Al Ameen" - the Trustworthy.

And how did Rasulullah (SAW) deal with these? With patience. That's the key. I know it's easier said than done. But that would be the best thing to do. Ignore their taunts and Smile when they make fun of you. They know what they are doing is wrong. They are probably just jealous of your strong Eemaan.

[SweetCherryPie]

The examples your gave were utterly rude! I can't believe they did that.

If I were you, I'd just ignore them (I'm good at ignoring rude people but sometimes it helps to be sharp and witty with them - that usually shut them up!). There isn't much that you can do, sister. People with that kind of mentality cannot be helped.